Eggle Posted October 4, 2004 Posted October 4, 2004 Hi everyone - this is my first post here - hoping you can give me some advice. I'm sorry this is long, but I think I need to explain the (complicated) situation. I met my boyfriend 4 months ago. All was brilliant - like best friends who fancied each other. At the time we met he was being diagnosed for a lung illness. Although he was feeling a bit lousy, it didn't really affect the relationship for the first two months. Then he got the firm diagnosis of his illness and was put on steroids. He had a really tough time with side effects. He did not deal very well with the diagnosis - initially he could not accept that he was chronically ill. He got very depressed, stayed in bed a lot, didn't return my calls as he didn't want to talk to anyone. Basically, I stuck around and let him know that I was there for him, and would do whatever I could. He didn't want to talk about the illness (it's not life-threatening btw) or accept the limits it would have on his life. It was quite difficult for me as I cared about him, but felt locked out. Also, I was dealing with behaviour that wouldn't normally be acceptable in a relationship - but obviously was (largely) occurring because he was ill (although he admits he has a selfish streak regardless - for example he double booked me and a female friend one night and didn't have the guts to ring and explain, so he just didn't call). Basically he decided that right now he needs to concentrate on himself, accepting the illness and shaping a life for himself. He felt that he needed the mental space away from the relationship in order to do this. And said that it was unfair on me to deal with his current behaviour (he got very upset when saying this and cried). He said that not all of his behaviour was due to the illness, but because he is feeling apathetic towards life (which to me, is the result of being ill) (NB most people live a relatively normal life with this illness - but might get tired or out of breath from time to time). I agreed and asked whether he wanted to make it final, or 'for the time being'. He said he didn't want to lose me, but didn't feel right asking me to wait - but wanted us to get back on track once he was better if that was OK with me. Anyway - he texted me a day later saying he was going to get himself better as soon as possible, so we could get back on track, was missing me etc., and was off to work as a kitchen assistant abroad for two weeks to see if he could cope with the hours (potentially then training to be a chef). I talked about it with friends, who said they thought he just didn't want to be in a relationship and had 'parked me up at the side' in case he changed his mind later on. This upset me, so I called him to ask, but he was busy with the kitchen, said that this was not the case and would call me back to talk about it later. Well - that was 2 weeks ago. He is back in the UK (so no longer busy in the kitchen!!). But no call. I really, really like him and was led to believe that he felt the same way. But I don't know how he really feels - I know he has had a terrible time with the diagnosis. Am I just being taken for a ride? I don't want to call him - as forcing the issue when he is feeling confused may make things worse - plus I really feel it is for him to contact me. Thank you so much for reading. Please give me your thoughts if you can.
SoleMate Posted October 4, 2004 Posted October 4, 2004 Just a few thoughts... * Steroids can cause mood problems: the well known roid rage, but also depression and others * His apathy may be due to steroid effects, not just the diagnosis (as you say, the diagnosis is not life-destroying) * Depressed people have very low energy for challenging tasks, like picking up the phone and making a call * It's very possible he's sitting by the phone craving your voice, yet down because he feels he can't have you because he is damaged and diseased * It's also possible he doesn't care about you, but given the facts, I think this is less likely I would suggest calling him a few times, to chat and in a lowkey way offer your friendship. If that doesn't work, then yes, you will have done all you could.
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