Too late to fix it?

[Delilah1623]

My boyfriend and I have been dating only about 2 months but from things were progressing very well and very quickly in the beginning. We are both late 20's and divorced. Me because my ex husband did not treat me well and him because his ex wife was unfaithful. About 2 weeks in it seemed clear to both of us that we were a good fit and saw long term potential. We have both been in long term relationships and although it sounds like we are teenagers really felt we would be together for the long haul.

 

He has been amazing. Treats me like gold, planned romantic dates, walks on the beach, never put me down. Due to some special circumstances we began talking about moving in together at the end of July when my lease is up. We did talk a lot about this as I have dogs and cats and even hired a dog trainer to work on some issues with my dogs. He came to the training session and was very engaged an has been working with the dogs as the trainer instructed ever since.

 

The problem? About two weeks ago I started feeling insecure due to my past and obsessing about his past girlfriends. Mainly because there are things in the house from them, decorations from his ex wife and two presents he had bought for ex girlfriends but broke up with before giving them to them. To him I think it is just stuff. To me I feel like it has meaning and he's holding onto the past.

 

I blew up at him again yesterday morning about the gifts that he has sitting around that we're bought for his exes instead of approaching it calmly. I have done this a few times about equally dumb stuff. When I approach stuff rationally he is responsive but shuts down when I freak out but I did it anyways

 

I was scared to admit how much I cared and wanted to be with him until I realized I was losing him. Yesterday he told me he was tired of being accused and feeling like nothing was good enough for me and he couldn't deal with it anymore. He said he doesn't want to make any rash decisions and at this point we are not broken up but I feel that is what he leaning towards.

 

I have come up with an action plan for next time I get upset. I want to write a letter and let everything out. Sit on it for 24 hours and if it is still an issue at that point approach it in a calm, rational manner. I am hoping he will be responsive o sitting down and having a real talk about everything.

 

Does anyone have any ideas on things I can do to try and fix this? Although its only been 2 months I really care about him and 95% of the time things are amazing but he deserves better than I have been giving and we both know it. I do want to work this out if at all possible and wondered if there are any suggestions for me at this time.

 

Thanks for any and all feedback b

[randomniceguy]

I'm on the other end of this with my gf at the moment. The only difference is she doesn't admit to blowing up and being irrational, so you're already taking the right approach there. I don't know more about your situation than what you posted, but if I were him and I still wanted things to work here is what I would like:

 

1) Tell him what you told us. He treats you like gold, and you realize you have blown up over things he probably didn't see as a big deal and you are sorry.

 

2) Let him know how much you still care about him and being together and you are willing to change. He should know it wont happen overnight, but just knowing you see the problem and are willing to try to fix it will go a long way.

 

3) Mention that you are working on ways to better handle your emotions when you get upset and ask for his feedback.

 

He's probably as confused as you at the moment. Just my two cents.

[Delilah1623]

"I'm on the other end of this with my gf at the moment. The only difference is she doesn't admit to blowing up and being irrational, so you're already taking the right approach there. I don't know more about your situation than what you posted, but if I were him and I still wanted things to work here is what I would like:

 

1) Tell him what you told us. He treats you like gold, and you realize you have blown up over things he probably didn't see as a big deal and you are sorry.

 

2) Let him know how much you still care about him and being together and you are willing to change. He should know it wont happen overnight, but just knowing you see the problem and are willing to try to fix it will go a long way.

 

3) Mention that you are working on ways to better handle your emotions when you get upset and ask for his feedback.

 

He's probably as confused as you at the moment. Just my two cents."

 

I have tried to do these things and feel like he has lost faith in me at this point. He said he needed some time to cool down and think and I haven't contacted or been contacted by him yet today. I am hoping he will think and be willing to sit down in person and have a good conversation but obviously I can't force him to to this. I will fully admit I am insecure and seek validation at times. I think this is about 10% of the time. The other 90% we are happy and hold hands constantly. He is always kissing and being very affectionate. He even put on a fence at his house for my dogs. I am capable of buying my own home, I own a home in another state with my ex husband that has finally sold an will be closing at the end of the month, but I also move here from 1,700 miles away and honestly if we are not together I would debate returning to my home own so I am hesitant to buy a home here. I am not freeloading or gold digging in any way. Would be paying rent and have already spent days deep cleaning the house as well as a lot of yard work.

 

After my ex husband I was in a 4 month relationship with a pathologically lying sociopath who was severely abusive in every sense except physically. He was arrested in February 2012 and is still in prison for 30+ felony charges. I was not aware of the stuff he was involved in, he lied to me Bout everything including his name and career. Since this I have developed PTSD and severe anxiety. I am still close friends with my ex husband and asked him if I had always been like his and he said no, it was stuff he never saw and must have happened after the divorce.

 

I have never cheated and have twice resisted the advances of men who were in relationships as I feel very strongly that infidelity is the worst way to invalidate your partner in every possible way. He has said from the beginning he always felt that he could tidy me and I would always be loyal to him. I think he is afraid of getting hurt and has had a series of several serious short term relationships 2-5 months so I feel there are some things on his part contributing to this and he has a tendency to bail when things are rough.

 

Thank you for the advice. I am hoping for the rest and that we can work through this.

[Delilah1623]

Well finally heard from him. He first said he was done but after a little more talking he is open to sitting down and talking about everything and seeing if we can work things out, come up with some solutions and maybe have this be the beginning at the next phase of our relationship instead of the end. Please send some positive thoughts my way. I know I am a hot mess but other than the few incidents I freaked out over dumb stuff when I was feeling jealous and insecure I have treated him very well and he always told me I made him very happy. I hope this can be salvaged and I am willing to give it my all. I care about his boy very much.

[randomniceguy]

I am so sorry that you have been through all of that. The fact that this guy tends to bail when things get tough probably isn't the best scenario, but if he is sincere in wanting to sit down and discuss how to make things better and referred to it as being the next phase and not the end, then I certainly hope things work out for you two.

[shexy]

I hope it works out for you! Just remember, guys (at least all the straight guys I know) don't give a flip about decorations in the house. And it really doesn't make sense just to throw presents he bought for exes away... he did spend good money for it. It's just STUFF, it's not feelings, just stuff~

[Brunettie]

I agree with randomniceguy. Good luck

[Delilah1623]

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I am not sure when we will talk. We texted briefly today because I had left something at his house that I need. I told him I was sorry for suffocating him the last few days and realized it wasn't going to help anything. Told him to take the time and space he needed, he knows how I feel and u hope we can try to work it out. He seemed genuine about being open to a discussion about everything so I hope he follows through.

 

Thanks for letting me share. Getting it out helped bevause I'm very frustrated because I know I acted selfish, immature and pathetic and want so badly to make it right but don't know if ill get the chance. Trying to stay positive and not dwell but just want to curl in a little ball and sleep for a week.

[Delilah1623]

Well. I am back. I am not sure if anyone will have any advice but needed to he my feelings out a bit.

 

We did get together and talk and he decided he did want to try again. The first few days were great and it was like the beginning. This weekend we had a weekend away planned and decided to still go and it ended up being a disaster. He was quiet and a bit standoffish at times. I asked him if he wants to leave a day early and he said if I wanted to. We packed up and headed back.

 

On the 4.5 hour car ride we talked a bit. He was kind of cold towards me until one point when he broke down crying and admitted that he was still messed up from his ex-wife. She cheated on him hike he was deployed and moved herself and their daughter in with the new guy. He said he thought the weekend wa going to be amazing and he wanted to tell me he loved me but he felt the opposite... Not sure what that means. Right before we got to my house he started crying and broke down again. We texted a bit later because he couldn't find his wallet and he was back to pretending he wasn't hurting.

 

He tends to shut down when things get emotional and always acts like he is on control of his emotions so it was a shock to see all the pain he is still in and keeps holding in. He admitted e had never even told his dad why he got divorced and his dad never asked so I assume there was not a lot of "feelings" stuff when he was growing up.

 

He said over text that he was done with everything but I asked him to eat together and talk. I went over there last night and we talked about a lot of issues that he had been keeping inside, how he feels a lot of pressure about me possibly moving in because of my pets (mainly my 1.5 year old Great Dane). He said he was worried about how expensive the weekend turned out to be with food and parking and wasn't able to enjoy himself. I offered to pay for things, I try to pay for things sometimes because I want to do nice thins for him and don't want him to feel like I'm taking advantage of him, he let me pay for a few things but for the most part refused. He said he feels like a schmuck when I pay for things because he feels like the man should be the one to pay for things and he's not use to t because his ex wife never paid for a single meal in 9 years together. He said he worries about money a lot and feels like he needs to buy me things and take me to nice dinners even though I have told him a million times I don't need expensive things. He has a lot of money saved and makes good money so its more an anxiety thing than an actual problem. He said he need to think about everything and make a decision, this is the same thing I heard when I was being the difficult one.

 

Any takes on this and why he is acting this way and so conflicted? I don't know if he will come back and want to work things out. I know if he does and it doesn't work out I need to end things permanently. Just hoping someone can provide a point of view or some things to think about. I am not sure what to do right now othe than keep busy and give him his space for now.