bohica Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 This is actually a continuation to a previous post in another section.... Been try to cope and deal with a break up I had. Been 4 months on NC but we actually broke up months prior. I feel I am past the break up for the most part but still think about her. I know the chances of us being together are slim and I don't think shes the one for me. We share a mutual work client which initiated a little contact recently through text and email She has hinted a few times that she might be still struggling with some problems she had and expressed that she now thinks I was right about a lot of things I had said to her about any problems in her life. I offered an ear sometime if she ever wanted to talk it out. I didn't mean about us. I am just trying to be a better person and a friend. She sent me another text saying she would like to see me at some point soon just to have a chat. I told her just let me know her thoughts on when and she said ok. Fast forward a few days and we shared some text messages with casual pleasantries and jokes. No reminiscing took place at all really. Yesterday I sent a text saying just let me know when you would like to get together to talk and she responded with 'I don't think thats a good idea' just like that. No...Im sorry I thought it over and....nothing else. I told her I thought she was just testing me to see if I cared and that it wasn't right. I said conscious or not thats what she did. I went on a little about how I felt. I am a little pissed off and want to rant some more. I mean that just wasn't right. I feel a little set back although I tell myself I didn't have intentions. Maybe part of me was hoping things have changed. Now to top it off she's turned that light switch off (as usual) and is being really cold. Thoughts by anyone? Suggestions? Thank you in advance
Author bohica Posted May 29, 2013 Author Posted May 29, 2013 Not one response? Is this post in the wrong section or is it that the topic is just too boring and predictable?
Calvin's wagon Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 Hi! It's good that you bumped the thread, sometimes it gets lost. I'd like to ask you firstly to clarify why are you still in touch with her? You've mentioned: - "I don't think shes the one for me." - "I offered an ear sometime if she ever wanted to talk it out. I didn't mean about us. I am just trying to be a better person and a friend." - "I feel a little set back although I tell myself I didn't have intentions. Maybe part of me was hoping things have changed" So I'm a bit confused as to if you know what you want from further contact with her. Friendship or possibly reconciliation? If just friendship - do you think you're capable (at this moment or in general in the future) of being 100% only friends with her, without this relationship getting in the way of you meeting someone for you, and without risking getting hurt by the "friendship"? And if just friendship, have you considered that it might be better to wait (and stick to NC) until you are completely over her? And in the mean time she can work on her issues with her other (female) friends (or if she hasn't got them, to make new friends?) and possibly a therapist/support group (depending on the nature of her problems) then see if friendship is an option? And after that, maybe it would be easier for you two to see if friendship is still an option? Best wishes
Author bohica Posted May 29, 2013 Author Posted May 29, 2013 (edited) I get along fine now. At first I was pretty hurt and very frustrated that it didn't work. Of course I think about her but I also know it wouldn't work so I wouldn't want to rekindle anything. I think I just want to justify and validate the relationship and know I meant something. I was left with an empty feeling. I also am pretty secure and confident in the fact that if this person lived the life they wanted and stopped allowing other people to dictate how they live, what they do, and who they do it with that it could have worked. That said, I know it wont work unless they changed and became a more independent multi layered person. The person they said they want to be. In the end that's the type of person I need and want. When she said she wanted to see me and that she now thinks I was right about some of the things I had said I thought maybe I was finally going to get some of that validation. I thought maybe she realized she needed to take control of her own life. Friends? Possible, very possible for me. At first I was left with the impression that she was long over me. Thats how it finally broke. No real interest, other friends, no time.. a real pull back 180 degree turn then the person I was with. She wanted to be friends. My experience told me (and her) that no way, we can't be friends until I am in a place she is, over me and over us. Until I felt the same and moved on emotionally and worked a little on me we can't be friends. I went through the break up alone. I had no one to talk to or lean on about it. I feel I have gained a lot of ground. I get along fine and have moved on comfortably emotionally. Now that all said, again moving through it alone and not having met someone else yet I do think about her but I am realistic. I think it is obvious that the fact that she changed her mind says that she isn't as over me as I thought. I just think it was b.s that she did that and I think she was testing me. Sorry for the long response. I know an easy response to me is to say if I am here writing all this then it's obvious I am not over her. True to some extent but very realistic about it. I do feel it's a little set back. Also, how would you suggest someone go to Therapy? Edited May 29, 2013 by bohica
Chi townD Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 She pulled on the leash to see if the dog was still there. The dog barked! That was enough for her and went back to her life.
Author bohica Posted May 29, 2013 Author Posted May 29, 2013 She pulled on the leash to see if the dog was still there. The dog barked! That was enough for her and went back to her life. Man...That is how I felt! I need to write that down. Good one. Its actually funny Being the nice guy I bought into it, I encouraged it and then she pulled it away. It was wrong and I told her she was just testing me to see if I cared. She said no and I said whether you realize it our not that's exactly what you did. She then shut down, gone NC.
aisuru Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 If you are employed full time, your employer most likely participates in an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) that provides a referral to a therapist and a few free sessions. Take advantage of it. Contact your HR or Benefits rep to get the info. Alternately, you could just use Google and you'll find some websites where therapists/psychologists will list their areas of specialty and rates.
Author bohica Posted May 29, 2013 Author Posted May 29, 2013 If you are employed full time, your employer most likely participates in an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) that provides a referral to a therapist and a few free sessions. Take advantage of it. Contact your HR or Benefits rep to get the info. Alternately, you could just use Google and you'll find some websites where therapists/psychologists will list their areas of specialty and rates. Actually, the comment was regarding having the other person go to Therapy and my response was how does someone suggest to that person that they consider therapy. It can be a sensitive issue for some people and can come off the wrong way if not done properly. Anyway, don't want to get off topic. My original post.
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