The 6 month "wall"

[salparadise]

Great advice, Salparadise. I've tried the calm approach, but my idea of calm is just silence and I need to be more assertive when she acts that way. She has even told me before that she "needs boundaries" and has mentioned that she knows that I don't let her walk all over me, and I do defend myself sometimes, but I still should stand up for myself more at times.

 

Right, making the "I" statements and saying how you feel, but without engaging or even acknowledging the irrational stuff is being assertive. Be assertive but not defensive. Enforce healthy boundaries. Transmit a feeling of confidence that you know who you are both in the relationship and separately from the relationship. This tells her that while you love her and want the relationship, you'd also be ok with leaving the relationship if necessary for your own happiness and well being.

[Cutiepie1976]

First, I'm sorry that you've had to endure this. I'm sure it's been tough.

 

I didn't read the whole thread, but it seems that she thinks you're not moving the relationship forward at the speed she'd want you too. But her reaction to her unhappiness with this issue is not a good one, she's reacting emotionally.

 

I agree with this. I too just skimmed and may have missed a few details, but it seems you've stagnated and are still just a weekend couple six months in. Do you guys go away on getaways? Are you meeting friends and family? Are your lives starting to integrate in other ways? Any discussion of where you see yourselves as a couple down the road. She may be wondering if she has been investing pointlessly in a relationship that is going nowhere. For some people, it can be hard to say: "What are we doing? Where is this going?" Not that I'm condoning her behavior, but I don't believe in throwing away an otherwise good relationship with a good person over something like miscommunication or a hiccup in your interaction.

 

Can you plan a weekend away or a special dinner, and share with her some of what you said here. The progression in your relationship (or rather lack of progression) doesn't reflect where you say your feelings for her are. Maybe share where you hope things go. What you might want in general at this stage of your life. I'm guessing she isn't aware that she means as much to you as she actually does. She may have no clue whether you are on the same page. Speculation on my part about your specific situation, but this is often what is going on at five or six months.

 

BTW, I think sending the flowers was a bad idea. You can be understanding and attempt to work through her difficulties, but please do not reward bad behavior. Do not tolerate disrespect. Not having clear boundaries about what is and isn't acceptable treatment of you will come back to bite you hard if you don't nip it in the bud. Call her on it when it happens calmly and firmly. Something along the lines of: I realize that you're stressed, and I sympathize and want to support you since I care about you. What you just said to me and your tone are unacceptable. She will either apologize or you walk away putting an end to the conversation until she gets around to apologizing.

 

We teach people how to treat us, and that starts fairly early on in a relationship.

Edited May 28, 2013 by Cutiepie1976
Typo

[Janesays]

I think I can take that and fit it to our situation. All I can do after that is hope she reacts in a similar way. Thank you.

 

Good luck! All I can say is that I'm not a naturally bratty person, but in that particular situation I was....something that a lot of posters who are quick to make snap judgement s are missing. Visit the long distance relationship forum and you will see first hand how emotionally wearing it can be for those that are in them.

 

I also want you to note that the posters here who give the most confrontational advice also tend to be perpetually single. Try to listen more to posters who are in HAPPY committed relationships.

 

Communication is all about BALANCE. You don't need to roll over and die in arguments, but going at your girl with you guns blazing all the time will get you nowhere either. Try to always confront issues like this as if you are a team. It's not about who is right or wrong. Lay everything on the table like WE are having an issue, so how are WE going to work together and fix it.

 

You won't get to always be 'right,' but I guarantee you almost always be HAPPY.

[pcplod]

After 6 months of being "on-guard", she is letting her guard down, to reveal her true self.

 

It's not just about the substance of the issues between you but, more crucially, how she typically tackles them. Instead of tackling you in a constructive and confident and tactful manner, she prefers to be abusive, sulky, reactionary and expects you to be a mind-reader.

 

Face reality, unless she has one of those cathartic moments (well, probably more than one), she is not going to change. It isn't ever going to get better than this. This is her learned response.

 

But you are going to take a punt on it aren't you? Lots of men and women do that every day, only to pose the inevitable question to themselves, many years later, "Were you insane"?

 

If you truly don't get it, you will probably never get it and in all probability it is best that you never do.

 

Exit stage right. Bowing would be optional.

[Jane2011]

I'm in a happy, committed relationship and believe you should be a little confrontational, if need be. Healthy relationships come about when people respect each other. If she treats you disrespectfully (even with some degree of 'justification'), it's because you've led her to believe that she can. I guarantee that she doesn't act this way with everybody, even when she's frustrated.

[randomniceguy]

First, I'm sorry that you've had to endure this. I'm sure it's been tough.

 

 

 

I agree with this. I too just skimmed and may have missed a few details, but it seems you've stagnated and are still just a weekend couple six months in. Do you guys go away on getaways? Are you meeting friends and family? Are your lives starting to integrate in other ways? Any discussion of where you see yourselves as a couple down the road. She may be wondering if she has been investing pointlessly in a relationship that is going nowhere. For some people, it can be hard to say: "What are we doing? Where is this going?" Not that I'm condoning her behavior, but I don't believe in throwing away an otherwise good relationship with a good person over something like miscommunication or a hiccup in your interaction.

 

Can you plan a weekend away or a special dinner, and share with her some of what you said here. The progression in your relationship (or rather lack of progression) doesn't reflect where you say your feelings for her are. Maybe share where you hope things go. What you might want in general at this stage of your life. I'm guessing she isn't aware that she means as much to you as she actually does. She may have no clue whether you are on the same page. Speculation on my part about your specific situation, but this is often what is going on at five or six months.

 

BTW, I think sending the flowers was a bad idea. You can be understanding and attempt to work through her difficulties, but please do not reward bad behavior. Do not tolerate disrespect. Not having clear boundaries about what is and isn't acceptable treatment of you will come back to bite you hard if you don't nip it in the bud. Call her on it when it happens calmly and firmly. Something along the lines of: I realize that you're stressed, and I sympathize and want to support you since I care about you. What you just said to me and your tone are unacceptable. She will either apologize or you walk away putting an end to the conversation until she gets around to apologizing.

 

We teach people how to treat us, and that starts fairly early on in a relationship.

Thanks for the input and specific suggestions. We have gone on several weekend getaways, but they were to weddings and other social events with groups of friends. She wants more "one on one" activities. We have both met each others parents and her parents loved me. She even said that she didn't know how to feel about that because her dad never liked any guy she has ever intoduced and he is now asking when I will be back. That's why I am so confused...I feel like I have let her know she's important and I am committed. But a lot of what has been said by others makes sense too.

[Jane2011]

I think the obvious take-away from what everyone is saying is to be firm about what is unacceptable, but just don't necessarily destroy the relationship in the process. It can be done. But it's not all on you to play everything just right. Part of it is her too. You can't control how she will behave, react, etc., to your desire for a communication-style change.

 

It's true that a person can have a certain trigger-issue and that for most other things they will be reasonable, but only time and experience with her will tell if she's a single-issue problem or giving you a preview of how she is in general. My bet is that she has other trigger-issues too.

 

None of it is to say you should end the relationship, though, if you really love her and you want to keep working at it and getting through things.

 

Those of us being harsh on her only have what you posted. She may well come off as nicer/more tolerable in person.

 

But dealing with a person's disrespect is horrible.

 

Life itself is frustrating. We all work and have jobs. We all have families and friends who stress us out. We all have bills. We all have money problems. We all have stress.

We all have harsh bosses, or at least unfair ones.

 

The point is, do you handle it with an iota of reason or do you lash out at your partner?

 

It's not that she's bad. She just needs to get a handle on how she handles stress. She also needs to put herself in others' shoes sometimes. You have problems and stress, too, and her acting the way she does...is horrible.

[Cutiepie1976]

Thanks for the input and specific suggestions. We have gone on several weekend getaways, but they were to weddings and other social events with groups of friends. She wants more "one on one" activities. We have both met each others parents and her parents loved me. She even said that she didn't know how to feel about that because her dad never liked any guy she has ever intoduced and he is now asking when I will be back. That's why I am so confused...I feel like I have let her know she's important and I am committed. But a lot of what has been said by others makes sense too.

 

From the additional info, it seems everything else is progressing along in your relationship. I don't know your girlfriend. I (and many women) look at both actions and words. The fact that you are only seeing each other on weekends would be an issue for me at six months. Since her job is closer to where you live, why not invite her to spend the night with you on some weekdays?

 

Relationships all encounter speed bumps. I'm glad that you're putting in the effort to make this work out.

[clia]

I think she's losing interest in you. She's gone through the happy honeymoon phase, has come back to planet Earth, and now is getting to know you, your personality, and your quirks and may be coming to the conclusion that she isn't as into you as she thought she was. Compound that with the distance, and it seems like she isn't quite as happy as you are in the relationship. That's really common, especially around the 5-6 month mark.

 

The reason I say this is because she seems to be getting irritated with you a lot and picking fights with you, and when you try to correct the problem, she is switching gears almost saying the opposite. It's like she is unhappy with you, but she isn't quite sure why. She just knows she is unhappy (and some of the things you do are irritating her), and there is little you can do to make her happy at this point. She may like you and think you are a great guy, but she knows this is not going to lead anywhere. And it's very likely that a lot of this has been percolating for awhile, especially given how she blew up at you. I suspect things haven't been quite as perfect in her mind as they have been in yours.

 

In my opinion, she is likely going to end it with you soon. I'm sorry to be blunt, but that's what I'm seeing here.

[Jane2011]

The worst is her getting mad at you because it's raining. WTF?

 

It's probably coming from somewhere else, of course.

 

Still, when you're condemning your partner because it's raining on the night said partner is treating you to dinner at a nice restaurant, you've fallen to an extreme low.

[clia]

The worst is her getting mad at you because it's raining. WTF?

 

It's probably coming from somewhere else, of course.

 

Still, when you're condemning your partner because it's raining on the night said partner is treating you to dinner at a nice restaurant, you've fallen to an extreme low.

 

That's why I think there is more to this. She's inventing reasons to be unhappy with him and/or to justify breaking up with him.

[sydneysider1978]

Ok, so she is definitely being bratty at the moment. It sounds like she is really hurting about something. Its something you are doing, even if you dont lnow it. Assuming you want to save this relationship, lets go through was we know (from your OP)

 

 

She's really stressed at the moment with work

You're really busy at work and aren't really seeing her during the week

She feels disconnected and not supported by you

She says you don't plan things ahead

 

So even if you feel like you are doing what you can at the moment, she is feeling like something is lacking.

 

So suggestions...

 

Can you really, really not see her during the week? Couldn't she pop over or vice-versa during the week. Maybe late at night for a drink and a sleep over?

 

Who's making the calls? You say you talk very day, but do you initiate? Could you send her a few cute texts during the day? It means a lot to girls when you initiate contact.

 

Lack of planning. Even if you can't see each other that often, it's fun and it makes a girl feel special if there's a plan. Doesn't need to me much. Plan a walk, trip to a museum, cheap dinner in china town. Gives you both something to look forward to.

 

I would tell her you don't appreciate the silent treatment and brattiness. Ask her what she wants to make things better, and ask for specifics. (More calls, texts, date plans, time during the week, future plans?)

[randomniceguy]

From the additional info, it seems everything else is progressing along in your relationship. I don't know your girlfriend. I (and many women) look at both actions and words. The fact that you are only seeing each other on weekends would be an issue for me at six months. Since her job is closer to where you live, why not invite her to spend the night with you on some weekdays?

 

Relationships all encounter speed bumps. I'm glad that you're putting in the effort to make this work out.

Thanks. I'm hoping this is just a speed bump and we will be stronger in the long run if we can get over it together.

[randomniceguy]

That's why I think there is more to this. She's inventing reasons to be unhappy with him and/or to justify breaking up with him.

That possibility has crossed my mind, but just a couple of weeks ago when she left my place she had written this sweet note and left it in my room about how happy I make her and how much fun she had with me that weekend....Just so many mixed signals and I feel like I know her well enough and we have been together enough that there is some hurt there that is causing this. Albeit my quirks probably stand out more now.

[randomniceguy]

Ok, so she is definitely being bratty at the moment. It sounds like she is really hurting about something. Its something you are doing, even if you dont lnow it. Assuming you want to save this relationship, lets go through was we know (from your OP)

 

 

She's really stressed at the moment with work

You're really busy at work and aren't really seeing her during the week

She feels disconnected and not supported by you

She says you don't plan things ahead

 

So even if you feel like you are doing what you can at the moment, she is feeling like something is lacking.

 

So suggestions...

 

Can you really, really not see her during the week? Couldn't she pop over or vice-versa during the week. Maybe late at night for a drink and a sleep over?

 

Who's making the calls? You say you talk very day, but do you initiate? Could you send her a few cute texts during the day? It means a lot to girls when you initiate contact.

 

Lack of planning. Even if you can't see each other that often, it's fun and it makes a girl feel special if there's a plan. Doesn't need to me much. Plan a walk, trip to a museum, cheap dinner in china town. Gives you both something to look forward to.

 

I would tell her you don't appreciate the silent treatment and brattiness. Ask her what she wants to make things better, and ask for specifics. (More calls, texts, date plans, time during the week, future plans?)

You are an insightful poster...

 

Yes she has been stressed at work. Something terrible happened one day before this really started and she told me she left the office crying but wouldn't tell me why. When I tried to talk to her about it later she was then saying it was too late that she'd already talked to other people about it because I wasn't available when she was ready.

 

I was really busy. I have a lot more time now, but things are picking up for her. I really couldn't help my schedule. I was gone literally all day most days for a stretch and only got home in time to get in bed and go to sleep.

 

She definitely feels something is lacking. She said it was the weekend thing and that we only did things when it was convenient and I wasn't working enough at pursuing her. I asked what I could do to make it better and she started with the whole rant about how I just didn't get it...

 

I tried telling her I wanted to see her more too but she said she didn't believe it that I was just reacting.

 

In regards to your suggestions...most days I called her first, but I didn't always get through and she would call me back. I often texted her in the morning that I loved her and hoped she had a good day. Just 3 weeks ago she randomly texted me "love you, boy" in the middle of the day.

 

Just a lot of confusion but yes I do need to plan more, do more little things, etc.

[shexy]

It sounds to me like she's nit-picking, and looking for reasons to complain and bitch for no reason. If the distance (an hour) between you two is THAT big of a deal for her, she needs to just say so. I doubt it's that though, it sounds to me like she's a total attention whore and likes to pick fights and blame you, so that you totally take all the blame and apologize when you didn't do anything wrong. I hate to see someone totally getting walked all over, and it sounds like you are :-(

[Adele0908]

Ok randomniceguy, when you're dealing with a woman like this, the worst thing you could do is appease her behavior with gifts, flowers and so on.

 

I just have to be frank with you. You are going to encourage more of this behavior if you appease her behavior with flowers and apologies.

 

What I'm saying is, it's just going to get worse.

 

She is testing you to see if you will "man up" and tell her to STFU.

I test guys all the time to see how strong they are. To be honest, it's just something that women do. If she thinks that she is stronger than you, she will leave.

 

If you want to save the relationship, next time she flips out on you, say:

 

"I'm not going to tolerate your outbursts any longer. If you have an issue, discuss it with me in a mature and respectful manner. Until then, I have some things to do that take precedence over this issue."

 

Then tell her you have to go and hang up the phone or leave the vicinity.

 

You may see an immediate change in her behavior.

[salparadise]

The worst is her getting mad at you because it's raining. WTF?

 

It's probably coming from somewhere else, of course.

 

Still, when you're condemning your partner because it's raining on the night said partner is treating you to dinner at a nice restaurant, you've fallen to an extreme low.

 

Yes it is. I think it sounds like "splitting." Idealized one minute, condemned the next. It's a familiar pattern. Healthy, well adjusted people don't do this. Practicing assertiveness and enforcing boundaries is the way to handle it. It will either get better or worse, and OP should be ready to accept either outcome with a what will be will be ambivalence that shifts responsibility back to her where it belongs.

[scorpio1978]

Yes I had an ex like this one time.

 

Nothing you do at this point will make her happy. She wants one thing, she gets it, and it's not good enough.

 

The above sentence right there sums it all up. You can do nothing right here. She is picking fights with you too which is not a good sign. I did that with an ex of mine when I wanted to end it, but didn't have the guts too. I was a major pain in the ass and was so disgusted by him that I just picked fights out of disdain. The fact that she has come out and said that she isn't sure if you should climb the wall or cut the losses means that she has thought about it enough to bring it up and actually verbalize it. Haul ass outta there and let her go be a major pain to somebody else. Ugh. She sounds awful.

[oriole man]

Ok randomniceguy, when you're dealing with a woman like this, the worst thing you could do is appease her behavior with gifts, flowers and so on.

 

I just have to be frank with you. You are going to encourage more of this behavior if you appease her behavior with flowers and apologies.

 

What I'm saying is, it's just going to get worse.

 

She is testing you to see if you will "man up" and tell her to STFU.

I test guys all the time to see how strong they are. To be honest, it's just something that women do. If she thinks that she is stronger than you, she will leave.

guys, this is a secret of dating women rarely reveal! being the nice guy is the biggest fail ever. nice guys will stay virgins and she explains exactly why.

 

guys, read what she said over and over and be a man. if don't like it, then enjoy singledom. if you want the ladies, be the man in the relationship.

[randomniceguy]

Thanks to all of you who offered support and advice to me over the past couple of days. As a sign of respect to anyone who is interested, as well as to offer a reference to anyone who might encounter a situation like this in the future, I will try to update as things progress.

 

So I went to see her tonight. She was a bit snappy with her texts before I got there. I heeded the advice of maintaining my cool, so I didn't let that get to me and just communicated the details she needed to know. She responded in a nicer way to the texts after that. When I walked up to her door, she just opened the door and turned around and walked to her room, not even acknowledging I was there. Again...kind of bratty, but I didn't respond to the behavior. We took a walk and I told her that I wanted to have a mature, calm discussion about our conflict(s) and try to work together to find solutions that we could both agree on. Again she was acting a bit pouty, but I could see the hurt in her eyes as she did it. I calmly told her that I was not there to argue, and I wasn't there to apologize either. I told her that it came to my attention that maybe I haven't been direct enough with her, and things had gotten out of hand. I told her that I was going to be a man about the situation, but I needed to know if she legitimately wanted to work things out, or if she just wanted out. She wouldn't answer either way, so I could tell she was more hurt than disgusted with me and wanting to break up.

 

Come to find out, it was indeed all stemming from her wanting to see more of me and have more one on one time. She was bothered by the fact that I didn't appear bothered and when she brought it up (her idea of bringing it up was telling me i wasn't doing enough and she was thinking about walking) that I didn't say then and there I wanted to see more of her. She got progressively less bratty the more we talked after that, and I reassured her that I did want to see her, everyday if I could, but that the way she broke it to me was not fair and not in the most mature way. She agreed. She then told me she appreciated me making an attempt to be more direct, and that in the future if I thought she was being "bitchy" then to tell her right then and there, not take it and bottle it up. I agreed that would be good.

 

We walked to dinner and slowly it seemed like I was getting my girlfriend back. We talked and laughed a little, seemed almost like old times. I can tell that she is still a bit hurt and feeling vunerable, but is more open to working things out. After dinner we had a decent walk back and parted on a positive note.

 

All in all I think we still aren't out of the woods yet, and that there is work to do, but the ultimate problem here is the way we have been communicating with each other. If we can improve that, I would hope we can get over this "wall" and move forward. We are scheduled to have dinner at my place Saturday night, so I will post another reply then for anyone who might be interested.

[Janesays]

Nice job, man. Way to take a problem and turn it into a positive growing experience for both of you!

[randomniceguy]

Nice job, man. Way to take a problem and turn it into a positive growing experience for both of you!

Thanks Janesays! Your advice has been most helpful!

[Teknoe]

Nice story, bro. I mean that

 

Way to man up. I myself can get too in touch with my feelings, when the girl just needs a good bop on the head (FIGURATIVELY speaking).

 

Acting like a woman's on a pedestal = comes back to haunt ya.

 

All the best going forward.

[Cutiepie1976]

Thanks for the update. Had a feeling this was the issue. That she thought you didn't care as much. Common at this stage of the game. Glad you have been able to have a positive outcome so far.