The 6 month "wall"

[randomniceguy]

As the title indicates, I've been dating an amazing woman for the past 5-6 months. For the first 3 months everything was perfect. She was in to me, I was in to her, it was everything I've always thought a really good relationship should be. Around this time I told her I loved her, and things seemed to get even better. We had a couple of minor disagreements here and there, but we both were very affectionate and never walked away mad.

 

However, about a month ago she started getting irritable around me, more fights, etc. She was under a lot of pressure at work, and was experiencing some discomforts with a roommate situation, so I just figured she needed to vent and kind of took it on the chin. We live about an hour away from each other, so we had been mostly spending time together on the weekends, but sometimes we would see each other during the week when we could. However, we talked everyday for at least an hour on the phone, I thought we were communicating well. Then about 2 weeks ago we were talking like we always do and I asked her about something going on with her at work. She went into this tirade about how she wasn't comfortable talking to me about it, that she didn't know how to talk to me, and that if I had been around I would know. At that point in time it really wasn't possible for me to be "around" because I was swamped day and night at work, but I was trying to talk to her still. I was completely blindsided by all of this and the message I was getting was "I don't want to talk to you...why aren't you talking to me??...You don't know anything about what has been going on...I don't want to tell you about what has been going on because you dont know...." Very mixed signals and messages.

 

Since then things have slowly been unraveling and she's telling me she feels disconnected, that I wasn't pursuing her enough and she felt like she deserved to be pursued. I tried asking her to do some things last week and she blew up again about how if I knew what was going on with her then I would know her schedule and she couldn't. Finally we agreed last Sunday would work so I took her out to a nice restaurant that I knew she really wanted to go to. She was cranky as soon as I arrived and seemed pissed at me because it was raining and I didn't plan better...like I can control the weather. However, we slowly started talking and enjoying each other's company for a while. We went back to her place and cuddled, I stayed the night and had to leave early in the morning. I kissed her and told her I loved her, she responded with the same, and I thought things were on the turnaround.

 

Last week she started again with how I wasn't around enough, that I never planned anything until the last minute, and that we were at a "wall" and she wasn't sure if we should try to climb over it or just cut our losses and walk away. This weekend was completely awful. We were with a group of friends and the whole drive there everytime I tried to start a conversation with her, she had some comeback that pretty much came across as "that is stupid..why do you want to talk about that..you're a moron"..She put on a nice act in front of the friends for a while, but still wasn't very easy to talk to. I began to ask some of the friends for advice, and they even commented that they'd noticed she was being really cold to me and overheard some of the things she was saying and it seemed like she was being unfair. They suggested I talk to her and let her know that she was being harsh and hurting my feelings. I tried and she blew up more and said that I thought I never did anything wrong and I always was the victim, etc etc. Which is not the case, but I feel like in this particular situation, I was being talked to and treated in a way that was not right. She also was very pissed that I talked to the friends about "our business" and didn't talk to her. I tried and failed to make her see that I had been trying to talk to her about it but everytime I did she seemed to get more upset so I asked others for advice. She told me I was being immature and that I needed to man up and talk to her like an adult, and she was "over it". We rode home together and barely spoke for 4 hours. However, when we stopped for gas she would take the time to ask very nicely if I needed anything form inside. When we got to my place she asked if I needed any help unloading things.

 

As soon as she drove away from my place to head home, she called and asked me why I didn't say anything in the car. She again told me I wasn't listening to anything she'd been saying and I just didn't get it. Later on she texted me and apologized but also said that she felt I wasn't being sincere and until I proved my words with actions she wasn't buying it.

 

Here is the deal: I love her to death, and I know she loves me. Things were amazing for so long, and I know that they can be again. Even in the midst of our current situation, she still does and says things that let me know she still cares. I can see now that I did get a little big complacent because I was too comfortable. Her initial complaint was that she wanted me in her life more, wanted more planned activities together, etc. which is something she wouldn't say if she was trying to push me away. I took everything as a personal attack and was so shocked by the way she started acting on all of this so suddenly that I didn't react the best way I could have. I think we both have made some mistakes, but I still feel like we both care enough about each other that we aren't going to call it quits just yet. However, if things don't change soon, that is probably coming.

 

Has anybody out there gone through anything like this before? If so, I'd love to know any successes/failures, what you might have done differently, etc.

 

I just really feel like this is one of those make or break moments and want to get it right. I sent her flowers at work today with a note that said that I was really sorry, and asked her not to give up on me just yet. I know that isn't going to fix anything, but hopefully she sees that as a positive sign that I want to be with her and want to work to make it right.

[Keenly]

She is being a pain in the ass is what she is doing. Little miss high maintenance over here.

[MidwestUSA]

Make sure she's not pregnant. Otherwise, wait and see what the flowers do.

[gaius]

Don't ever take it on the chin from a woman if she starts stuff with you for no reason. Fight back! It doesn't matter what's happening in her life, she is not allowed to take it out on you. If you don't her vagina will dry up when you're around and her respect for you will just become less and less. Sending her flowers when she was being so nasty to you for no reason is probably the last nail in the coffin.

[Janesays]

Yes, I've been in this situation before. She's being difficult by hinting that "you're never around" instead of coming clean and saying "I don't want a long distance relationship."

 

My current fiance and I used to live an hour and a half apart and once we got serious it, I learned that it is emotionally VERY DIFFICULT to have a strictly "weekend boyfriend." Even worse when your boyfriend doesnt seem bothered by the situation at all. She probably misses you and wonders if you miss her during the week at all. This was so difficult for me that I thought about walking away numerous times.

 

It didn't get better for me until he moved. Now we're fabulous.

[TouchedByViolet]

Yes, I've been in this situation before. She's being difficult by hinting that "you're never around" instead of coming clean and saying "I don't want a long distance relationship."

 

My current fiance and I used to live an hour and a half apart and once we got serious it, I learned that it is emotionally VERY DIFFICULT to have a strictly "weekend boyfriend." Even worse when your boyfriend doesnt seem bothered by the situation at all. She probably misses you and wonders if you miss her during the week at all. This was so difficult for me that I thought about walking away numerous times.

 

It didn't get better for me until he moved. Now we're fabulous.

 

Please elaborate. As a guy I don't understand this.

 

I have been in 1 long distant relationship (3 hours driving) and it wasn't a big deal at all. We spent at least every other weekend together (fri-sun) and communicated through text or phone call everyday. Yes we mainly saw each other on the weekends but we still have relations on the weekdays. I always felt the time apart made the time together more intense.

[Janesays]

Please elaborate. As a guy I don't understand this.

 

I have been in 1 long distant relationship (3 hours driving) and it wasn't a big deal at all. We spent at least every other weekend together (fri-sun) and communicated through text or phone call everyday. Yes we mainly saw each other on the weekends but we still have relations on the weekdays. I always felt the time apart made the time together more intense.

 

Well to each his own. I personally would rather have a boyfriend. Not a pen pal.

 

Let me put it this way...

 

Say you're in a serious monogamous relationship and you car breaks down at 2 am on the express way. Who do you want to call for a ride? For me, it would have been my guy. But I couldn't because he lived 150 miles away. There was also was a time I got incredibly ill and was hospitalized for 4 days and he didn't even know until I was sent home. Nothing makes you feel lonelier in a relationship than to know that if you NEED someone, they can't be there because of distance. It's like....what's the point? My fiance and I NEVER would have made it if he didn't move.

 

This guys girl is ALSO going through tough times (at work) and it starting to be keenly aware of the what it's like to have an absentee boyfriend herself. I think she could be communicating her feelings a bit more maturely and respectfully, for sure. But I can also see how she's frustrated with the relationship and is thinking about walking away.

 

My advice is if you want this relationship to work: move. If not, walk away.

[Jane2011]

Oh my god, OP, your woman is a total pain in the ass. I'm in a relationship myself where I *know* I'm a little more irritable than my boyfriend is, but even then, I'm only about 1/4 as much of a pain in the ass as your girlfriend is.

 

It sounds like she expects you to read her mind, as well as just "be there" and "know what's going on with her" when you're at work?? Or living your life?

 

Don't grovel, nor should you coddle her unreasonable behavior.

 

It's true she'll lose respect for you if you don't take a stand.

 

She's a child and needs someone to give her boundaries.

[randomniceguy]

Please elaborate. As a guy I don't understand this.

 

I have been in 1 long distant relationship (3 hours driving) and it wasn't a big deal at all. We spent at least every other weekend together (fri-sun) and communicated through text or phone call everyday. Yes we mainly saw each other on the weekends but we still have relations on the weekdays. I always felt the time apart made the time together more intense.

I see it from both sides now. She wants me to "be there" in person and emotionally all of the time. It was like we were going great on the same path and at some point there was a split where I was ok with how things were going and really happy to be with her. She also "was" happy but wanted to crank things up a notch. The fact that I didn't appear to be bothered by that was just fuel on the fire. Truth be told I would love nothing more than to see her everyday so I get where she is coming from and why she is hurt/upset. Still think she could have explained it to me more clearly and calmly, but the fact that she got so upset about it also shows me it must mean something to her to begin with.

[crederer]

Yes I had an ex like this one time.

 

Nothing you do at this point will make her happy. She wants one thing, she gets it, and it's not good enough.

 

The only thing I can think to say is to give her some space. I don't know how often you hang out but something is stressing her out and you seem to not be making her any happier.

 

I'd take a break. Not a break in the sense that you are no longer exclusive but just spending a little less time together for a bit.

 

If you guys hang out all the time, I'd suggest seeing each other maybe twice a week instead but make it quality moments.

 

But it sounds like she's just being a bitch and was probably more interested at hiding it during the beginning of the relationship and now that's she's comfortable she doesn't care anymore.

 

Okay I missed that one sentence where you said you spend time only on weekends. Why does she not come up there to visit you more? Are you the one always traveling to her (I have a feeling the answer to that is "yes")

[Jane2011]

I can understand not wanting to do long distance either. But I think a weekend-relationship isn't the same as long-distance. I see long-distance relationships as ones where you can't see each other except for like once every four weeks (or more). If you're seeing each other on weekends, you're just an other-side-of-the-city relationship. Of course, everyone has different needs. To her, that feels like a big impossibility. I could do that, myself, but I know not everyone is the same.

[randomniceguy]

Well to each his own. I personally would rather have a boyfriend. Not a pen pal.

 

Let me put it this way...

 

Say you're in a serious monogamous relationship and you car breaks down at 2 am on the express way. Who do you want to call for a ride? For me, it would have been my guy. But I couldn't because he lived 150 miles away. There was also was a time I got incredibly ill and was hospitalized for 4 days and he didn't even know until I was sent home. Nothing makes you feel lonelier in a relationship than to know that if you NEED someone, they can't be there because of distance. It's like....what's the point? My fiance and I NEVER would have made it if he didn't move.

 

This guys girl is ALSO going through tough times (at work) and it starting to be keenly aware of the what it's like to have an absentee boyfriend herself. I think she could be communicating her feelings a bit more maturely and respectfully, for sure. But I can also see how she's frustrated with the relationship and is thinking about walking away.

 

My advice is if you want this relationship to work: move. If not, walk away.

I get what you are saying 100%, but moving is not an option for me at this point. My career is location specific and I am just getting started and love my job. I love her too, but if I were to move it would be career suicide at this point and then I would be a broke bum living on her couch, which would not be a good situation either. We aren't so far away that we can't see each other 2-3 times a week, plus most weekends if we both work a little bit at it. Also, where I live is about halfway between where I work and where she lives, so I am already about as close as I can be. Her job is actually closer to my house than where she lives right now, but she wants to live in a certain place right now.

[randomniceguy]

Yes I had an ex like this one time.

 

Nothing you do at this point will make her happy. She wants one thing, she gets it, and it's not good enough.

 

The only thing I can think to say is to give her some space. I don't know how often you hang out but something is stressing her out and you seem to not be making her any happier.

 

I'd take a break. Not a break in the sense that you are no longer exclusive but just spending a little less time together for a bit.

 

If you guys hang out all the time, I'd suggest seeing each other maybe twice a week instead but make it quality moments.

 

But it sounds like she's just being a bitch and was probably more interested at hiding it during the beginning of the relationship and now that's she's comfortable she doesn't care anymore.

 

Okay I missed that one sentence where you said you spend time only on weekends. Why does she not come up there to visit you more? Are you the one always traveling to her (I have a feeling the answer to that is "yes")

Appreciate the feedback. It def seems nothing I do is right or makes her happy...right now. However, we have been pretty even about seeing each other. The times we saw each other during the week she usually came to see me because it was a shorter drive for her to work the next morning than it would have been for me to see her. Also, she came and surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me. She has done some really sweet things and I think she is a sweet girl, but just something the past month has been incredibly wrong.

[Janesays]

I see it from both sides now. She wants me to "be there" in person and emotionally all of the time. It was like we were going great on the same path and at some point there was a split where I was ok with how things were going and really happy to be with her. She also "was" happy but wanted to crank things up a notch. The fact that I didn't appear to be bothered by that was just fuel on the fire. Truth be told I would love nothing more than to see her everyday so I get where she is coming from and why she is hurt/upset. Still think she could have explained it to me more clearly and calmly, but the fact that she got so upset about it also shows me it must mean something to her to begin with.

 

 

Oh absolutely! Please don't listen to these other posters who every time a woman doesn't behave PERFECTLY, it means she doesn't love or respect you. She probably loves you very deeply and when she comes home from a brutal day at work, licking her battle wounds and feeling beaten down, it is KILLING her to know that your loving arms aren't waiting for her.

 

So, she's lashing out. Should she be? No, absolutely not. She should be maturely and respectfully telling you that the distance is making her unhappy. But let's be honest...MOST people make mistakes when they're hurting.

 

Do you love her? Then sit her down and say, "I hate seeing you so little. I really think we need to seriously consider rethinking our living situation so we're closer."

 

Even if you guys don't actually move for another 6 months, the fact that you actually are planning an end to the distance issue will probably thrill her.

Edited May 28, 2013 by Janesays

[crederer]

I'm not suggesting that she's a bad girlfriend or anything. I have been there. I tried everything I could to make her happy. I gave and gave and all I got back in return most of the time was attitude. I became her punching bag.

 

Yes, there were many many good moments but I just couldn't take it anymore. And I was with her for four years, not 6 months, and I gotta say I wish I ended it sooner.

 

I suspect she has some sort of emotional issues such as depression that she is hiding from you. There are a lot of patterns here that I see in depressed women and I can tell you from experience in having LTR with three depressed people, it is very difficult and emotionally exhausing to have a depressed partner. Something to think about...

[Jane2011]

I may agree that the OP shouldn't necessarily end the relationship with his girlfriend if he believes she truly does love him and that she is just really frustrated, etc., and lashing out out of hurt.

 

And I do think talking to her about possibly changing their living situation is in order.

 

But I also don't think he should be super-delicate and loving toward her either, because of her behavior.

 

Even if they work out their distance problems, if he's super loving and gentle in the face of her acting bratty in the way she communicates, she's just going to learn that being bratty and disrespectful gets her a super-sensitive guy who gives her what she wants.

 

He doesn't have to be totally cruel or give her the cold shoulder. But I believe a talk about their living situation (and maybe changing it now or in the near future) should take place only alongside a serious talk about how her style of communication when she's feeling upset/frustrated needs to change.

[randomniceguy]

I'm not suggesting that she's a bad girlfriend or anything. I have been there. I tried everything I could to make her happy. I gave and gave and all I got back in return most of the time was attitude. I became her punching bag.

 

Yes, there were many many good moments but I just couldn't take it anymore. And I was with her for four years, not 6 months, and I gotta say I wish I ended it sooner.

 

I suspect she has some sort of emotional issues such as depression that she is hiding from you. There are a lot of patterns here that I see in depressed women and I can tell you from experience in having LTR with three depressed people, it is very difficult and emotionally exhausing to have a depressed partner. Something to think about...

Very real advice, much appreciated. I will not continue to be a punching bag, that's for sure.

[randomniceguy]

I may agree that the OP shouldn't necessarily end the relationship with his girlfriend if he believes she truly does love him and that she is just really frustrated, etc., and lashing out out of hurt.

 

And I do think talking to her about possibly changing their living situation is in order.

 

But I also don't think he should be super-delicate and loving toward her either, because of her behavior.

 

Even if they work out their distance problems, if he's super loving and gentle in the face of her acting bratty in the way she communicates, she's just going to learn that being bratty and disrespectful gets her a super-sensitive guy who gives her what she wants.

 

He doesn't have to be totally cruel or give her the cold shoulder. But I believe a talk about their living situation (and maybe changing it now or in the near future) should take place only alongside a serious talk about how her style of communication when she's feeling upset/frustrated needs to change.

I get what you are saying exactly. However, here is the million dollar question:

 

How to you tell someone who is acting bratty, that they are acting bratty, when you know you will get a bratty response and denial?

[randomniceguy]

Oh absolutely! Please don't listen to these other posters who every time a woman doesn't behave PERFECTLY, it means she doesn't love or respect you. She probably loves you very deeply and when she comes home from a brutal day at work, licking her battle wounds and feeling beaten down, it is KILLING her to know that your loving arms aren't waiting for her.

 

So, she's lashing out. Should she be? No, absolutely not. She should be maturely and respectfully telling you that the distance is making her unhappy. But let's be honest...MOST people make mistakes when they're hurting.

 

Do you love her? Then sit her down and say, "I hate seeing you so little. I really think we need to seriously consider rethinking our living situation so we're closer."

 

Even if you guys don't actually move for another 6 months, the fact that you actually are planning an end to the distance issue will probably thrill her.

I appreciate all of the advice. It seems like you have been on the other side of this, which is the opinion I really needed to hear right now. (Although I do appreciate everyone's feedback and advice, I am taking it all in and have a better grasp of the situation thanks to all of you)

In your opinion, how do I go about moving forward? We already have confirmed plans to go out to eat tomorrow night. I think both of us are still very tender and feeling the sting of it all. I don't want to make it worse, but I've got to do something to make it better. I don't think right now is the exact time to bring up the living situation at all, but it is something we need to discuss eventually. I want to be able to let her know I get why she is hurt, and take ownership for SOME of it, while still delicately implying that she could express her emotions in a more clear and respectful manner.

[salparadise]

The six month mark is about when people start revealing who they really are. Up until that point they're on their best behavior. The behaviors sounds like my ex in many ways. I can give you a few bits of advice, but of course what will transpire is completely unknown.

 

She is setting up a dynamic wherein you will always be on the defensive, always striving to make her happy, and it never being enough. I have described it to people like this... at some point I inadvertently signed a contract with my ex to be responsible for her happiness. But happiness is a choice everyone has to make for themselves. She was not able to self-soothe and was prone to bouts of serious discontent. But since I had assumed the obligation and was unable to fix her, I became the bad guy... this way she didn't have to deal with her own crap, she could project it onto me. This is dysfunctional, to say the least.

 

So #1, don't let her put you on the defensive, and don't let her convince you that her crap is your fault. Her crap is her crap, period. She needs to deal with it like a big girl. This is not to say that you shouldn't be sensitive to her needs- it is paramount that you distinguish between your responsibility as good partner vs. taking on her crap.

 

How you should react... being defensive is participating, engaging in the dynamic. This is the fuel that the dysfunction thrives on. Without your participation the dynamic cannot survive and something will have to change. When she tries to put you in charge of her crap, blames, criticizes, etc., stay very calm. Lower your voice, speak slowly, and make a well considered "I" statements that does not challenge, yet cannot be argued with. For example, "I feel that I express my love and appreciation for you every day. I don't understand how you would not know how I feel." She will probably proceed to catalog your shortcomings. Listen, and let her know you're listening. When she is done––and this is important––don't engage, don't be angry, irritated or upset. Perhaps say, "I'm sorry you don't feel what I've done is enough" and then be silent. If she starts throwing a fit, calmly leave the room. When you disengage it highlights the inappropriateness of her behavior, and hopefully the irrationality of her strategy. Something will have to change.

 

It may get worse before it gets better, or perhaps it may not get better. You aren't in control of the outcome. Accept that fact. All you can do, really, is force her to start taking responsibility for how she feels and behaves by not participating in the dysfunction or taking on her crap. This also demonstrates to her that you are strong, reasonable and in control. You will not forfeit respect, regardless of the outcome.

 

I wish you the best. Just know that no matter which direction she turns in response, it's better than living in a dysfunctional pattern wherein no matter what you do it's never enough.

[Jane2011]

I get what you are saying exactly. However, here is the million dollar question:

 

How to you tell someone who is acting bratty, that they are acting bratty, when you know you will get a bratty response and denial?

 

If her brattiness is that deeply-embedded, to the point that she will respond with disrespect when you say you think she's been disrespectful, you might just have to "have it out" for an hour or two (often times, a person who has been disrespectful will just be defensive at first and not be able to admit that they were wrong, but they'll come around eventually).

 

That doesn't necessarily solve the problem altogether, though. Sometimes people who admit they're wrong still lash out again later because they can't help it. They don't *mean* to be disrespectful in the first place; they just can't get a handle on their emotions and they lash out.

 

It does sound, based on your story, like she can't help herself. She seems to say "sorry" or otherwise soften, periodically, after lashing out at you, probably because down deep she knows she's being disrespectful and bratty, and so wants to make up for it. But then her frustration/emotions overtake her again, and the disrespect happens again.

 

Honestly, if you're really determined to get a handle on her behavior and get it to stop significantly, and talks about it don't do the trick, you might have to actually say you want to spend less time with her because of her behavior.

[BluEyeL]

I didn't read the whole thread, but it seems that she thinks you're not moving the relationship forward at the speed she'd want you too. But her reaction to her unhappiness with this issue is not a good one, she's reacting emotionally.

[Janesays]

I appreciate all of the advice. It seems like you have been on the other side of this, which is the opinion I really needed to hear right now. (Although I do appreciate everyone's feedback and advice, I am taking it all in and have a better grasp of the situation thanks to all of you)

In your opinion, how do I go about moving forward? We already have confirmed plans to go out to eat tomorrow night. I think both of us are still very tender and feeling the sting of it all. I don't want to make it worse, but I've got to do something to make it better. I don't think right now is the exact time to bring up the living situation at all, but it is something we need to discuss eventually. I want to be able to let her know I get why she is hurt, and take ownership for SOME of it, while still delicately implying that she could express her emotions in a more clear and respectful manner.

 

Well, to be honest there were times when I acted bratty during this with my guy. Looking back it was because I didn't want to come across as 'needy' or 'clingy'....especially when he didn't seem phased by the situation at all. It really wasn't until he showed some vulnerability and communicated HIS dislike of the distance that I was able to 'woman up' and tell him that the distance wasn't going to work for me. As I said, I wanted more than a weekend boyfriend/pen pal.

 

I don't think you necessarily need to move in with each other RIGHT NOW, but you do need to discuss that it IS a future goal. If you bring this up, don't be surprised if she cries she is so relieved. And when she gets super emotional and pours her heart to you saying, "this is how I have been feeling too!" Then you can say, "Is THIS why you've been so sensitive lately?" And when she admits to (and likely apologizes for) her bratty attitude, this is where you deftly talk to her about communicating with you about what is bothering her and how you'd much rather have a "tough conversation" every now and then than to fight, argue, or watch her bottle up her unhappiness until she snaps."

 

Then end it on a positive, all, "we're in this together. I want us to handle these issues like a team."

 

These are the kind of things my fiance said/did with me and the main reason I love him more than life.

[randomniceguy]

Great advice, Salparadise. I've tried the calm approach, but my idea of calm is just silence and I need to be more assertive when she acts that way. She has even told me before that she "needs boundaries" and has mentioned that she knows that I don't let her walk all over me, and I do defend myself sometimes, but I still should stand up for myself more at times.

[randomniceguy]

Well, to be honest there were times when I acted bratty during this with my guy. Looking back it was because I didn't want to come across as 'needy' or 'clingy'....especially when he didn't seem phased by the situation at all. It really wasn't until he showed some vulnerability and communicated HIS dislike of the distance that I was able to 'woman up' and tell him that the distance wasn't going to work for me. As I said, I wanted more than a weekend boyfriend/pen pal.

 

I don't think you necessarily need to move in with each other RIGHT NOW, but you do need to discuss that it IS a future goal. If you bring this up, don't be surprised if she cries she is so relieved. And when she gets super emotional and pours her heart to you saying, "this is how I have been feeling too!" Then you can say, "Is THIS why you've been so sensitive lately?" And when she admits to (and likely apologizes for) her bratty attitude, this is where you deftly talk to her about communicating with you about what is bothering her and how you'd much rather have a "tough conversation" every now and then than to fight, argue, or watch her bottle up her unhappiness until she snaps."

 

Then end it on a positive, all, "we're in this together. I want us to handle these issues like a team."

 

These are the kind of things my fiance said/did with me and the main reason I love him more than life.

I think I can take that and fit it to our situation. All I can do after that is hope she reacts in a similar way. Thank you.