bwasroy Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 The Meeting I met a girl at the end of February/beginning of March. We went on a few dates, and felt the relationship was in a good place. She was a bit guarded and wanted to take things slowly. I knew right away that I felt very positive about her and was adamant that being in a relationship was a good idea. I suffer from Crohn's (recently diagnosed) and am in law school. She was dissatisfied with her job and was in a period of transition. Things were not bad, but both of us were busy. The Difficulties We never really had many problems. She went to Vegas one weekend when I was particularly sick (and hopped up on new medication) for leisure and we bickered quite a bit. But we got back to a very placid place. The Break Up Two weeks ago, out of the blue, we had a nice evening together and were happy. We both had a lot on our minds, but the relationship was in a good, comfortable place. The next day, I received a phone call from her and she told me that she wanted to take some time off from the relationship due to her anxiety problems (panic attacks) and the transitory period her living was going through. I was hurt/angry that rather than do this over the phone, she had chosen to break up over the telephone. We argued quite a bit. Three days later, she came over and broke up with me in person. She told me that she could either be my friend or that she could leave my life. I told her it was best to just leave things. My Birthday The next week, it was my birthday. We talked quite a bit. I was very understanding about her situation: that she wasn't happy with her own life situation and that I supported her decision to make herself happy. She took me out for my birthday. I acknowledged that she did not love herself. She said that she always thought if she was with somebody who loved her for the right reasons that she thought it would make her happy, but that the emptiness she felt in this relationship when that type of love was present merely demonstrated to her that she had a lot of soul searching to do on her own. She said I was "prince like" in the way I supported her and encouraged her progression towards being happy. (And I do. I love her.) She said that she had to kill off any romantic feelings about me, that to her the relationship was not in a place where she could expect it to ever become romantic again and that essentially if at some point I wanted to be her friend then we would just be friends and if something else developed that it would be great but that she wasn't expecting such a thing to happen. I told her that one day she'd wake up and would realize that she was worth being loved and that it would change everything. I told her that I would have waited for her to get better. I told her to be good and take care of herself. She told me I was destined to have a beautiful life. I told her that the best idea now was to do no contact for a month. I definitely have my moments when I would love to reach out and contact her again, but I don't. The Questions Is this over? Did I handle it poorly? What do I do with this now? Is there a chance this could still work out? I feel so hurt and angry and upset that she had the lack of insight to understand that entering into this relationship would end this way (all of the problems that she broke up the relationship for existed before we began dating). Is it right to be doing no contact?
youngbutoldsoul Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 How long were you guys in a relationship after the first few dates?
crederer Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 It could work out. You handled it well. Keep doing so. I wouldn't be the first to contact her. I know it may not seem like it now but I'm quite certain at some point she will contact you. I know NC sounds like a bunch of mind games, and that's cause it kind of is. If she contacts you first you'll have some more power in the situation than if you contact her first. I know it's hard. I;ve been there and right when I started to think that the ex wasn't going to contact me anymore, she did. Like literally the same day that I finally gave up any hope. We're not back together or anything but just saying....the power obviously shifted to a more even keel than what it was before. In the meantime just work on yourself, and go about life as if this is the absolute end.
Author bwasroy Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 (edited) Relationship Timeline We kissed on the first date. Slept together after a few weeks. Became a couple after about a month. Fears I Have About The Relationship The thing is, and she's said this, many times, I just don't figure into this. The relationship we had or how she feels about me is literally irrelevant in this situation. She had to be alone due to focus on getting into a better job and loving herself and not having panic attacks. (And for the most part I've totally supported this.) I know that some guys might be tempted to think she met somebody else, but I know she's pretty confused (sees a therapist, has panic attacks) and she did so many loving things for me (for my birthday even though we were broken up she got a cake and bought me a keurig, an essential for any halfway through law school student). But at the same time, she had to drive all this into the ground and kill off the relationship otherwise she was always going to second guess things and not really be able to work on herself because she'd be stuck on us. The Old Ex Girlfriend What makes the situation even more complicated is I've kind of been seeing an exgirlfriend (several girls removed) since the break up and we've made out several times. I don't know if it'll go anywhere. It was a relationship that I left (a lot of drama and unhappiness, eventually I cheated, the only time I've ever done so in my life). I know this old ex girlfriend makes the new ex girlfriend jealous, and I think she's surmised via social media that I've been seeing this girl because she's literally blocked me on everything. I don't necessarily think I did anything wrong here or offensive to the newest girlfriend (she broke up with me, I'm a free man, she literally told me to not wait because it wasn't fair to me). How I'm Doing with NC I should also add in that I've broken no contact a few times in the last week (I had some major career/life achievements and wanted to share them with the new ex girlfriend, it's hard to wrestle it in my head that even doing that is not something I'm supposed to do under no contract.) Where Things Stand The way I've left it with the new ex girlfriend is that we had tickets to go to a concert in a month and I'm supposed to get back in touch with her if I want her to go. (She said we'd most likely be friends for a long time if we started hanging out again because she can't handle a relationship.) The old ex girlfriend is taking care of a friend who is suicidal and has told me that we have to take things very very slow at the moment because it's bad timing and her life is not in a place where she can handle both of those things coming into her life simultaneously. (Although I can also tell the old ex girlfriend still has really strong feelings for me.) Edited May 28, 2013 by bwasroy
Author bwasroy Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 (I really hope that doesn't read to make me sound like a player. I loved both of these girls. They both met my families. I discussed and really thought about marriage with each of them. They were two substantial relationships that just happen to be occurring somewhat concurrently. I'm a good guy. I promise.)
Author bwasroy Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 The other thing that makes this kind of hard, is the more that time elapses I realize that given the length of time she allowed the relationship to continue and the rather sudden nature in which she broke it apart, I don't even think I'd want to date her because I don't think i can trust her to do not do the exact same thing in the future.
Recommended Posts