First time dumped

[avacado]

Nothing I'm about to say is unique, I've just never had this happen to me before and it's been surprisingly devastating. Any words of advice are appreciated.

 

I've had girlfriends before but my first seriously relationship wasn't until I was 26, which lasted two years and ended four months ago. Looking back on it, it was a wonderful time, I felt truly like an adult and enjoyed every minute with her, but something in me was nagging, telling me that something wasn't right. Maybe she wasn't adventurous enough or too introverted, I don't know. You know the feeling when you're blown away by a girl? That didn't really happen. She was just extremely good to me and sweet and every day with her was a pleasure. But something was missing and nights when I really got reflective I became sad because I didn't see myself marrying this girl with confidence.

 

She dumped me when I returned from a trip, sobbing hysterically and telling me her reasons. In hindsight, they don't make much sense, but I didn't argue at the time because something in me insisted that I let this thing happen. Being in grad school was rough enough, and the few months that followed were absolutely terrible. I dragged myself through school but often felt like crying in the middle of class. While dating her, I had imagined all the sexier alternatives that might be available to me if we ever broke up, but they were and still are nowhere to be found. I had underestimated how important she had been to me. Worse, I'd forgotten how sad and unfulfilled I had been before I ever met her, and my old insecurities and depression came back like a freezing blanket.

 

But the last thing I wanted was to be that cliche ex who pesters her and drops to pathetic lows to get her back, so I participated in our mutual stonewall. Aside from a few texts and one awkward coffee conversation, we haven't communicated. It's been some time now and I still miss her so damn much. I dream about her almost every night. If I am going to try to get her back, I want enough time to go by to be sure that it's the right call, but I also don't want so much time to pass that she moves on. And the idea of her potentially with another man makes me cringe with horror.

 

I guess this is what most of us go through at some point, it's just part of being human. I just wish I knew what I should do. I wish I knew whether she is irreplaceable or if I could find someone else who might suit my needs better. Maybe I should "work on myself by being single" as my friends say, but life just seems so meaningless when I'm single. I've been hitting the gym a lot, trying new activities, meeting new people, all the syuff you're supposed to do. But I still feel terrible, only slightly better than when this first happened and I gear it will never go away.

 

All for now

[BigTuna]

Hey Avacado, your story has some familiarity compared to my own. My ex and I were together for 3 years, and throughout a lot of it I knew she wasnt the girl for me. It's not that she didn't set my world alight, because she did on a few occasions, but characteristically we were so different. I felt there was someone more suited out there for me, even though I wanted it to be her.

 

So yeah, after I was dumped I was strong enough to look at my relationship in retrospect and accept that it was for the best. Like you've done. If you were to get back together with her, you know that'll it'll reopen that door of naggling thoughts questioning yourself whether there is something else/someone else out there. Focus on yourself man, you're taking great strides with the gym and getting out there. Being alone is f*king hard when you're use to the security blanket of a relationship, but you'll come through the other side after all this stronger. And you never know when an opportunity may present itself.

[avacado]

I'm sorry but I'm going to give this thread a bump. Thanks for the kind words, big tuna, I think you can relate. But you're being more positive about it than I am. After more than four months it seems that if anything, I'm getting even more wrapped up in fear and regret to the point where it's not like I think about it every few hours anymore - it's like a constant background pain. It's incredible how someone who used to be such a positive aspect of your life can become a source of so much pain. I know I need to work on being happy as a single person but life just seems so pointless the way it is. I feel like I've spent the past few years as a proud adult and now taken a great leap backwards and I might never recover. I've taken to some of my old habits, trying to meet girls at bars and striking out and feeling terrible, struggling to fill that void and generally failing. And I torture myself my imagining her having moved on and replaced me. I feel like I'll never meet anyone like her again. Is that irrational? Objectively, I really do have a lot of things going for me. But it's 3AM and I just woke up, having another nightmare about her. I desperately want to contact her, but I know you all say the dumpee just needs to wait and hope. I probably need therapy or something. God this is hard.