hayewils Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 (edited) My wife left me two months ago..we married in 2009. We had an argument and i went and stayed With my parents for a couple days. Wanted to cool down. I hoped she would contact me but never did. I went home to talk and was told it was too late, that she was moving out. She moved out, feel like as fast as she could. I have asked that we go to counseling, i dont feel that her leaving was the right thing. Looking back, i never felt accepted by her, she told me i love you only 3 times on her own. She had issues with my teenage kids. 18 and 16.. While her 15 yr old son still lays in her lap and gets petted like a dog. Ive told her to stop babying him. She serves him breakfast in the recliner but never did that for me.. Im just hurt and lost, dont feel that she ever really loved me. Ive been driving myself nuts trying to talk to her, ive since gave up and been reading all the helpful info on here. I need communication with someone, dont have much networking support and tired of venting on family. Im lost and confused. How does someone give up on someone and cut off everything, just closing a door and talking to the dead. HELP! I forgot to mention, she hasnt filed for divorce. Has done everything else but that. I told her i refuse to file or sign anything. Our anniversary is june 6th also. Gonna be a rough day.. Been wondering if i should send flowers. Edited May 28, 2013 by hayewils Wanted to add more info
BrokenHeartedSavior Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Listen to me. DO NOT SEND FLOWERS! She does not want to be with you, and she is now considered your ENEMY. Don't believe me? I went through the same thing with my ex-wife nearly 16 years ago. Fastfoward one year ago to my ex-gf and our stories coincide: her kids were treated like KINGS (they were whiney mommaboys) and mine were treated like PEASANTS under her roof. If this woman left you because you needed a mere few DAYS to cool down and collect your thoughs after a bad fight? SHE'S GOT SOMETHING ELSE GOING ON! NO ONE DOES THAT! Be ready to get served with papers, it's coming. Now, worry about YOU AND YOUR KIDS ONLY! Read TaraMaidens NO CONTACT and MAINTAIN IT. I'm sorry I can't offer more comfort than that, but you MUST start somewhere. Every single human being on this board is in your corner! GET A LAWYER TODAY. 4
Author hayewils Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 I dont understand why i love her like i do. I always felt like she kept me at arms length and was on a need to know basis with her. I would ask if she needed to talk and she always said, no, im fine. Then would get mad if i asked if she was sure. Told her one day, smile baby. Gonna be a good day, she just yelled back. What the hell is there to smile about! I guess i just got used to her being there all the time. We did have good memories too.. Im just remembering back to the wrong in the relationship
BrokenHeartedSavior Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 You, my friend, sound like a classic "nice guy" but I don't mean that in the traditional sense, i mean you were a doormat! I'm not trying to insult you, I too was one of those men. She sounds JUST like my ex of one year ago. She'll find fault in every nice thing you try to say and do = emotionally unavailable/narcissist/borderline personality. I work nights, I have for years. I would come home to her, smoking pot and playing online video games, she wouldn't even break her eyes off her game long enough to say "hey, how was your night?". I work a pretty stressfull job, and ONLY went to the night shift BECAUSE I WAS SUPPORTING HER AND HER KIDS! She dumped me before we got married (THANK GOD) but only after I bought her the engagement ring of her dreams (took me nearly eight years to afford it- I too have children) You WILL survive this, please listen to me and the other posters here. They helped me survive, and we'll all help you. If divorce is what she wants? Divorce is what she'll get. PLEASE don't think you can win her back by sending flowers or such! That would be mistake number one!
BrokenHeartedSavior Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Oh, and just making sure you know? I LOVED MY EX-GF TO DEATH! I would have walked the ends of the earth for her happiness. Didn't work!
Author hayewils Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 Thank you for that doormat example. My mother told me the same thing.. And my wife did seem to find fault in everything i did. I felt i could do nothing right by her. Counselor on day told me that my wife was behaving in a passive aggressive way so, seems there are issues with her
Author hayewils Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 Oh yes, by the way. She was never married before. Single and 35 when we met with a son whom she concieved with a man cuase he was there consoling her after a breakup, and she said they had been drinking. So, says somehing.. There is something wrong with her
BrokenHeartedSavior Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 There you go my friend, most people can see it LONG before we do. Don't let your emotions rule you from here on in. This is now about YOUR survival. It's a terrible thing to change about yourself, but it's an absolute must!
Author hayewils Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 Something i do have trouble with, besides accepting its over is, the fact that im going to be 43 and single again. I dont feel anybody will want me after feeling rejected like a piece of useless trash. I do have my faults in this relationship, tried to get her to go to counseling with me but no response.i do not like the idea of being single again but it is what it is. I cannot do anything, fix anything when she refuses to participate. She never just talked to me about anything that bothered her. She talked to her friends, said somethings to my mother. But never to the guy who she shouldve been talking to.. I wouldve given my own life up for her. She had issues with my kids, especially my oldest son. Found out later my kids couldnt stand her. Even a young man who lives with us, not my child. My wife loved him but after she left, he told me he was happy. Said he always saw me trying in the relationship but nothing from her. He called her rude and said she blamed me for things i didnt even do..
Author hayewils Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 I also believe she was in some sort of relationship with someone else. She had flowers in her office she sId she picked up. She never bought flowers for her office. She was also coming home late, saying she was working. Bologne!
BrokenHeartedSavior Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Bingo! Same exact with my children (i was actually told I had forsaken them for her! PAINFULL!!) And yes, she also had someone else already lined up, she was merely looking for any reason at all to dislike me. I could do NOTHING right, I just didn't realize it, so I tried to do MORE AND MORE AND MORE until there was nothing left of me! Do NOT allow to get yourself to that point! I didn't find this forum until it was too late. You did. NOW LISTEN! 43 years old? So what! I just turned 46 a week ago! YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Not so much as a "Happy Birthday" wish after eight years together! (not married, but engaged- lived together, close enough) Now? I'm happy she didn't! It only would have set me back as she was playin' with her new strange that night. Screw that pal! You deserve, and WILL find better! Hell, I've got THREE kids of my own! We aren't dead yet! Don't you forget that. When she tossed me, I had repaired or replaced her furnace, hot water heater, toilets, sinks, dishwasher, washing machine, dryer, fridge, pumped two feet of water out of her basement BEFORE I went to work on Christmas Eve (leaving my kids at my familys dinner table, mind you) maintained HER property, did dishes and EVERYONES laundry after twelve hour shifts, and endless things I cannot recall. Know what her answer was when I begged and pleaded? She gave me the middle finger and said, AND I QUOTE: "YOU NEVER DID A THING AROUND HERE!" Run Buddy! Don't learn the hard way. I ABSOLUTELY know the feeling of "love". **** I put a 7-8k ring on her finger AFTER she did those things to me! I speak from experiance. All to be GIVEN THE MIDDLE FINGER AND BE TOLD "YOU'RE JUST A TENANT, YOU NEVER DID A THING AROUND HERE!!!"??? Learn from guys like me. You deserve better.
BrokenHeartedSavior Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Bingo! Same exact with my children (i was actually told I had forsaken them for her! PAINFULL!!) And yes, she also had someone else already lined up, she was merely looking for any reason at all to dislike me. I could do NOTHING right, I just didn't realize it, so I tried to do MORE AND MORE AND MORE until there was nothing left of me! Do NOT allow to get yourself to that point! I didn't find this forum until it was too late. You did. NOW LISTEN! 43 years old? So what! I just turned 46 a week ago! YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Not so much as a "Happy Birthday" wish after eight years together! (not married, but engaged- lived together, close enough) Now? I'm happy she didn't! It only would have set me back as she was playin' with her new "strange" that night. Screw that pal! You deserve, and WILL find better! Hell, I've got THREE kids of my own! We aren't dead yet! Don't you forget that. Working late? Seriously? Get out my friend, DO NOT LOOK BACK, EVER! When she tossed me, I had repaired or replaced her furnace, hot water heater, toilets, sinks, dishwasher, washing machine, dryer, fridge, pumped two feet of water out of her basement BEFORE I went to work on Christmas Eve (leaving my kids at my familys dinner table, mind you) maintained HER property, did dishes and EVERYONES laundry after twelve hour shifts, and endless things I cannot recall. Know what her answer was when I begged and pleaded? She gave me the middle finger and said, AND I QUOTE: "YOU NEVER DID A THING AROUND HERE!" Run Buddy! Don't learn the hard way. I ABSOLUTELY know the feeling of "love". **** I put a 7-8k ring on her finger AFTER she did those things to me! I speak from experiance. All to be GIVEN THE MIDDLE FINGER AND BE TOLD "YOU'RE JUST A TENANT, YOU NEVER DID A THING AROUND HERE!!!"
Author hayewils Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 Yep. 7k on her finger, 2k in her ears. Another1800 around her wrist and never a thank you. Just, oh! I worked and worked for some appreciation and acceptance. Nothing! Thank you for your story and the words of encouragment. I have no choice but to keep trudging alongand i will be and find happiness..
BrokenHeartedSavior Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Hahaha oh buddy, the price tag goes on and on! I know all too well! Now? Your ONLY job is the care of YOU AND YOUR CHILD/CHILDREN! I spent the last year putting my life back together on my own. Scary, but happy one year forward. I realized what a total DISPENSIBLE piece of crap I was to her! Damn, know what I could have done with eight years and all that money???
Author hayewils Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 Oh yes, i think about the wasted money. Wedding honeymoon.. I know a good 35000 gone and 6 yrs i will never get back. It is scary trying to move forward. I find myself asking, what do i do from here? Where do i go? All i can do right now is keep my head up, try to, and take care of me and whats At home. Thats all i can do. Not making any major decisions at this time.
Author hayewils Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 Ive also been wondering why she hasnt filed yet. Next thursday is our anniversary. Would suck if she does it then to make a statement
CarrieT Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Stop thinking of the money or financial aspects on the ending of your marriage. That will get you no where. It is just "stuff" and the sooner you let it go, the easier that part will be. And there is nothing wrong with being in your 40s and single again. I will be 49 this weekend and have only recently gotten engaged to a wonderful 53-year old who also went through a handful of bad relationships. That part is called life experience. What you won't want to do is rant how crazy or psychotic your Ex is when/if you start dating again. Chalk it up to life experience and a mis-match and you will be able to move forward much more quickly. My condolences, by the way. Go No Contact and start divorce proceedings. Sounds like nothing else to do... 2
Author hayewils Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 Ive been wondering if she has been waiting file and have me served next week. Our anniversary is next thursday
Author hayewils Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 Very true, thank you. Ive been told to look at it as one big booboo. Is what it is
GuyInLimbo Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Bro, you need to get yourself to a good therapist to get your sh*t together. This woman did nothing for you. She didn't even show you she loved you. Be happy she's gone. You don't need a cancer like that in your life. The fact you are so devastated over her shows how little you think of yourself. You deserve a lot better. And you'll find it. Let her go and be done with her once and for all. Show your two kids what being a healthy adult is. Stop letting them see their dad act like a needy child. Stop waiting around for papers. YOU file first and take the initiative in taking control of your life again. 1
Author hayewils Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 I know ive been dragging my ass on doing anything. Been sulking, being a useless terd. I am feeling much better.. A month ago was terrible. I will get thru. Just dont understand those types of people.
Author hayewils Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 And ass far as filing im not doing it. She wants to be this way and leave like that. She can pay for it, not me.
Chi townD Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Well, you need to start protecting yourself. You need to take half of the money out of joint savings and checking accounts and place the funds in a new account in your name only. Have your paychecks deposited in these accounts. Cancel all joint credit cards and if she's on your cell plan, get her off of it. You still need to carry her on your health insurance, but name someone else as the beneficary for your life insurance. You don't need to finance her living expenses in a new place. No reason for you to be paying or help pay for two living spaces. She wants to start living single, then she's going to have to pay for that single lifestyle, NOT YOU!
Author hayewils Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 All that has already been taken care of. There is nothing now.
Author hayewils Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 There is nothing to fight for. No community property, no kids. Nothing. She is gonna file and i will not be in the courthouse. Screw that, im gonna be at work having a coke and a smile. 1
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