Baby123 Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Hello everyone, First time poster but long time readear. Just wanted to share my store. -So my MM was 44 with two children and a 20 year marriage, and i'm 24 with a degree and a good job. Our A started out as just sex in my eyes, but after about 3 weeks my MM rang me up and told me he couldn't carry on as he had fallen in love with me. It was too much too soon for me so we split up, for a week or so. When we met again after this he said regardless of me he was moving out on the 2nd of Jan, he would leave sooner but for the sake of his children he felt he should spend Xmas with them (6 weeks after we had met.) He, from the very beginning told me how horrendous his wife was, and he is SUCH a nice person, everyone will say it including his sons, that he didn't deserve to be with someone so selfish who just lived off of him completely. He said he hadn't left before due to the kids, and now he felt they would be okay, he could leave. He was true to his word, left, bought an apartment, and I helped him move in and moved a few of my things in. We have spent 6 months together now, full of love, but full of arguments about the age gap and his ex always being in the picture. Hes filed for D but says that as he has kids and has spent 20 years with her he can't cut contact and won't as it would be too nasty. I just can't handle the baggage and he can't handle the fact that ultimately I will most probably leave him (even though I wouldn't ever want to but the age gap is too much). So we argue all the time and this weekend we have split up. (the trigger factor was he invited her to a family meal which he said was due to his sons asking him, which I wasn't invited to.) Sometimes I think they have a chance at working things out, since he moved out, his resentment towards her has eased and tbh it would be the right thing to do. But then I want him, completely selfishly and the circle starts again. He keeps messeging me apologising, telling me he loves me. All the arguments are too much, they've killed our love, and now I need to look after me and move on but it is SO hard after everything he has done for me Any thoughts would be appreciated?
Summer Breeze Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 You're in a tough place. You want the man but the man has all sorts of commitments and history that come along with him. I married a man with kids and it was tough. I remember his xW coming to the house and being snide about everything. We hadn't had an A, we met a few years after they were D but it still hurt her and then she did her best to hurt me. Those are the realities of having a history with someone and ending it. It doesn't all end. I loved his kids like my own and I'm still in contact with them. I had to put myself second to his kids and sometimes to his baggage. It wasn't easy but it was the only way forward. So you need to figure out what you truly want. Do you want to have all that baggage around you? He'll do his best to keep you from it but you need to know you're in it and you're in it at your own choice. Think long and hard. Don't ask him to do anything that is going to alienate his kids or make him choose. You may win in the short term but in the long run you'll lose and it'll build resentment between the two of you, and the two of you and the kids. Good luck. Figure out what is best for you. Just like he had to do when he left home. 1
Goodbye Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 It sounds like you are having regular relationship problems secondary to a large age difference and moving too quickly. Your MM is one of the rare type who actually say he will leave his wife and then does. If you don't love him, you should end it. If you do, can the two of you slow down? Can you live separately? It may be very hard for you to understand given the difference in age and place in life, but his kids NEED to remain his first priority. He will need to be in frequent contact. You don't want a man who would have kids and not love them, right? He moved out from his wife, and it sounds like he is willing to divorce. He shouldn't need to hate his (soon to be ex) W. It is GOOD if they are civil. Even better if they are friends...these things will benefit the kids who are the most important piece of the equation. Actually, I just re-read your post. I think you'll be doing you MM a favor to be very honest and tell him it isn't going to work out, and then go NC. Good luck...none of it is easy. 2
Author Baby123 Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 I think tbh we have a lot of problems The age gap- although fine now, will not be in 20/30 years My family- Mum knows, not overly happy but thinks that I need to do what makes me happy but can't see the rest of my relations being to happy His kids- they need him, but I am very immature and high maintenance. The fact hes had a previous life (The thing we argue about most) I can't stand his ex mainly as she reminds me i'm not his first and it upsets me that he loved someone so much he would marry them- as a 24 year old that is hard to accept (I know its not fair, its just how I feel.) - He doesn't want me to stop my life and my plans and just settle as I have a lot of dreams and aspirations Its just so many reasons not to be together. He bends over backwards to do everything he can for me, always. And the four days a week we spend, for 3 of them we're usually happy. But the arguments have caused him to put up barriers (so I feel like hes pulling away which makes me insecure) and my to always nag. Its not how a 7 month relationship should be. I'm at a real crossroads, a million reasons why not to be together- just one reason to be together- we love eachother.
Summer Breeze Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I think tbh we have a lot of problems The age gap- although fine now, will not be in 20/30 years Is it REALLY fine now? I think a lot of stuff you're feeling and going through is because of the age difference, like Goodbye said you're both in different places in life. My family- Mum knows, not overly happy but thinks that I need to do what makes me happy but can't see the rest of my relations being to happy I'm very happy you've spoken to your mother. You need some support. As far as the rest of your relations go, well if you're happy and you two do make a life together what does it have to do with them? Do they have to know? Many people marry with age differences. I personally would tell them the truth but if you don't feel it's right to then that's your choice too. His kids- they need him, but I am very immature and high maintenance. The difference is he is not your father. He is potentially a partner in your life not a Dad. You recognize you're immature and high maintenance but are you willing to change in order to be in a proper R with this guy? Remember too. He probably isn't looking for a partner who is a part time child too. The fact hes had a previous life (The thing we argue about most) I can't stand his ex mainly as she reminds me i'm not his first and it upsets me that he loved someone so much he would marry them- as a 24 year old that is hard to accept (I know its not fair, its just how I feel.) It is how you feel and you do know it's irrational. Again it's something else you have to get over if you want to move forward. With their history this isn't going to change. Have you thought about talking to a counsellor about these things? If you want to have a chance with this guy and his kids you can't hate her. - He doesn't want me to stop my life and my plans and just settle as I have a lot of dreams and aspirations I'm pleased to hear this. He sounds like a pretty standup guy. Its just so many reasons not to be together. He bends over backwards to do everything he can for me, always. And the four days a week we spend, for 3 of them we're usually happy. Do you do the same for him? Do you care enough to do the hard work to bring yourself into this R as a real partner? Do you think you can? Do you even want to? But the arguments have caused him to put up barriers (so I feel like hes pulling away which makes me insecure) and my to always nag. Sadly it's human nature and unless you guys attack it head on this is what will happen til you implode. You have a lot going against you and no matter what they say love doesn't conquer all. Its not how a 7 month relationship should be. I'm at a real crossroads, a million reasons why not to be together- just one reason to be together- we love eachother. I think one of the tough things is you don't have a frame of reference as to what a 7 month R with an older man with kids and history should be. This is all new and you're struggling to cope. Responses to each item bolded. I'm so pleased you recognize your weaknesses and the problems you're having. You aren't blaming someone else for everything. You seem to be seeing things clearly but now sure how to work through things and act on them. It might be that you want to walk away and slow things down to a crawl. Let him get used to being alone and you used to having a BF who is everything you're struggling with. You may end up together or you may end up deciding it's not going to work.
Author Baby123 Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 Thanks for your advice, its very helpful I think one of the reasons I wanted to post was to say MM are not all liars, and do leave, but even when they do it is not all plain sailing. I think ultimately neither of us wants to hurt the other one, and we know reality and the odds are stacked against us. If I was being completely selfish, my ideal situ would be to have a few years together and enjoy the experience, but that is not fair, as it would leave me in a far more fortunate position then it would leave him. I would marry him and have his children, but I know it wouldn't work out, and therefore it is not the right thing to do and I won't consider it. I guess i'm 90% in, and so he has become the same due to the reality setting in. We both want to act in a way that is best for the other person. I'm to young to deal with his baggage, and he is to wise to know I can't and I shouldn't. He needs to decide whether he could go back and work on things, as maybe they could. But there is no way they can when I am around, as he will choose me everytime. AHH. its the choice between doing the right thing, or doing the easy fun thing and its hard. 2
Author Baby123 Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 Erm, my dads still around, this is my first relationship with an older man, its not a pattern. He persued me, and I resisted a lot at first because of guilt towards his family but when he started to make plans regardless of me to move out, I became attached. I am very aware of how the age thing would work out long term, hence me saying I would not consider it. 99.5% of people look and treat us like a normal couple, maybe they look at him like hes quite lucky if anything. I know what we both have to do, for eachother, all i'm saying is it is extremely hard. I don't feel sorry for the BS in order for me to be in this relationship I had to stop seeing her as a person in order to have what is hers. That is wrong but that is the only way around it. If I had empathy towards her I could not do what I have done. It sounds horrible, but I am honest, and very critical of myself.
Summer Breeze Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Thanks for your advice, its very helpful I think one of the reasons I wanted to post was to say MM are not all liars, and do leave, but even when they do it is not all plain sailing. I think ultimately neither of us wants to hurt the other one, and we know reality and the odds are stacked against us. If I was being completely selfish, my ideal situ would be to have a few years together and enjoy the experience, but that is not fair, as it would leave me in a far more fortunate position then it would leave him. I would marry him and have his children, but I know it wouldn't work out, and therefore it is not the right thing to do and I won't consider it. I guess i'm 90% in, and so he has become the same due to the reality setting in. We both want to act in a way that is best for the other person. I'm to young to deal with his baggage, and he is to wise to know I can't and I shouldn't. He needs to decide whether he could go back and work on things, as maybe they could. But there is no way they can when I am around, as he will choose me everytime. AHH. its the choice between doing the right thing, or doing the easy fun thing and its hard. You know the answers and the last sentence is the crux of your situation. If you love him don't waste his time. Don't waste yours either if you know in your heart it's not going to work out then don't take it any further. You said you're immature and you may well be but you are definitely introspective enough to read situations and people well. Now find the maturity to go through with the best actions for you both. 1
Author Baby123 Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 My dad doesn't know, as the R has been up in the air I haven't thought it worthwhile to divulge all the info yet. I would if we were in a happy place. Im not cold, I've spent all weekend crying, but as i'm in my family home today im trying to take a step back and be objective. Sometimes in writing you can be more logical. That is precisely what I don't want to do- leave him high and dry. I need to walk away because of this, its just so hard to do, when im so head over heels with him and we could have such a good time at this moment. I am truly battling a selfish, hedonistic, you only live once version of myself, and the one that knows that I need to do the right thing. His kids are happy that he has someone to love, they know that as a dad he has put them before him for many years. They accept me and my age and know ideally their dad wishes I was older but its just not how it has happened. 1
Summer Breeze Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Erm, my dads still around, this is my first relationship with an older man, its not a pattern. He persued me, and I resisted a lot at first because of guilt towards his family but when he started to make plans regardless of me to move out, I became attached. I am very aware of how the age thing would work out long term, hence me saying I would not consider it. 99.5% of people look and treat us like a normal couple, maybe they look at him like hes quite lucky if anything. I know what we both have to do, for eachother, all i'm saying is it is extremely hard. I don't feel sorry for the BS in order for me to be in this relationship I had to stop seeing her as a person in order to have what is hers. That is wrong but that is the only way around it. If I had empathy towards her I could not do what I have done. It sounds horrible, but I am honest, and very critical of myself. In all of this you need to remember he left after a matter of weeks. He left for himself and not for you. Not many people leave a M without some sort of catalyst and that may have been you but you can't take the responsibility of him leaving upon your shoulders. Own what you did and feel what you need to but he made the choice to cheat and he made the choice to leave. When I was in my early 20s I had a BF who was in his 40s and I never had anyone mistake us for father and daughter. I've never made that mistake about others either. Don't take the dig to heart. It's not worth it.
ComingInHot Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 baby, you Should be having fun and adventures at Twenty our. I mean Really coming into your own. From your comments, I feel like you understand and want that too* Maybe look at it this way, you are young, vibrant, ready to take on the world and make your place in it, you know, leave your "mark" so to say. This feeling can last years! And is or can be an amazing adventure. So as you are now entering this time, how do you envision this time going for the next Ten to Fifteen even Twenty years? What are your dreams? Successful career? Travel adventures? The Awesome role of becoming a Mother and W? All of the above?!* When you take the still frames in your head, are they of "just" you & MM? (What does he look like in the picture/s?) Do the pics include the panoramic view of you MM, his kids and in some his W (stbxW)? You are telling LS all the important things that allow sincere posters to ask you, maybe some hard questions. But I also believe that You are a strong & intelligent lady to Really answer them. I wish You Your Very Best!!* CIH 1
Author Baby123 Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 Thanks for everyones kind words, I will try to respond to what I can. Its nice to know someones listening and willing to advise. Its good to see other prespectives. We don't live together, we spend about 4/5 days with eachother, the other 2 he is with his children. My dad knows im in a relationship, but as he has mental health issues I think unless i'm 100% sure on something, (like with all my other bfs) id rather spare him the details and worry. I see my life as, I've just finished uni, MM is paying for me and a few friends to go backpacking for a few weeks at the end of the month which should be nice. I've just started a job with a global cosmetics company where I have lots of opportunities to travel and live in other places... my original plan. One day i'd love to be a W & Mother. (I know the classic, what if someone came into my R and did what I have done.) He doesn't want to stop this, and really I know this is my life route, I need to move on and cut ties but he has become my best friend. Neither of us regret the situ, we've had a blast and lived honestly for the majority of our relationship. We are both massive believers in experience. The relationship has moved too quickly, I wish we'd taken it one step at a time. I love him as a best friend not just a lover, therefore I need to let him go. For me and for him, for both of our futures. 1
Author Baby123 Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 His qualities are amazing, but the age gap and baggage ARE too much. I wish they weren't I try with them but they overwhelm me. I can't imagine being 50 and him 70 It is too much sacrifice. The BS issue is hard for me, I don't feel sorry for her, I feel she had this wonderful man and took a lot of him (I know I've heard one side, which every OW hears) She is the opposite for me and I get frustrated with him for ever marrying her... its RIDICULOUS but just crazy jelousy... one more positive of getting out the R is that I wont have to deal with that feeling anymore. It was his choice to leave, he would never judge me on that basis and I don't judge myself, I was a trigger factor. I think we both know what to do, break up. I just can't stop going through the emotions of the good and bad times. 1
Author Baby123 Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 Thanks alot LFH. Hopefully me and him can be good friends one day, as he really is the kindest person I've ever met- but right now I need to focus on my job and him on his kids and go NC. Hes already paid for flights, but with the spending money my parents have offered to give me spends, and my friends were never going to rely on him for that anyway. I'd love to one day be his best friend, and I want to help him with his business (maybe from a far) but right now we need some distance to start making decisions about our future independently of one, another.
Author Baby123 Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 Hm where to start. I did not anticipate not being able to handle things. Issues came to a head when his BS became depressed/ suicidal and something happened to her, which he had to be there for, but in doing so he really upset me as he didn't explain himself very well and ever since that the tolerance from me has disappeared. I wish I was a laidback nice person who could relax and not dwell on these things, I do though. The older man thing, I think age is a number, he is my maturity level although very successful. He hasn't paid me more attention then previous bfs. I have always had more than my fair share of attention... ahh what a mess, I miss talking to him, today is the first day we are cooling things...
veryhappy Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I don't think you'll be able to cool things off. Your dynamic is a very intense one. I suggest you freeze this off. You tell him to let you know when he's divorced. That way he can handle the kids, the divorce and the suicidal wife or ex-wife. You don't need to be a doormat. If you stick around, this experience might leave you badly damaged. You are right that you are too young to be dealing with all this. You are not as immature as you think as you are insightful, but life experience can make a lot of difference. He might go back to his wife. Let him. You don't want him long term, so no point in stopping him anyway. At your age, you'll find other loves to make this one pale.
angie2443 Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 The older man thing, I think age is a number, he is my maturity level although very successful. He hasn't paid me more attention then previous bfs. I have always had more than my fair share of attention... ... First, age is not just a number. If it was, these 40 something year old men would be dating 60 something year old women also. Second, if he is at your maturity level at his age, it means that he never grew emotionally. That is disturbing. I think you'll understand this more in the future. Right now, enjoy your age and have fun. You don't want to be one of these 40 year olds that feel they missed something in their youth because they settled down to quickly. Life is too short for this. Just my 2 cents.
angie2443 Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Your MM is one of the rare type who actually say he will leave his wife and then does. This isn't that rare. This is an exit affair. He was pretty much ready to leave before he met OP. This is why things went quick. He looked for his soft landing, found it, and was ready to leave.
BrokenPrincess Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 The older man thing, I think age is a number, he is my maturity level although very successful. Interesting...seems like younger women usually describe it the other way...that they are at their older partners maturity level Regardless, the situation you've described doesn't sound like a maturity discrepancy anyway but more of a life stage discrepancy. You are just getting started and want to travel without ties to pursue your career, your MM is settled and focused on raising his kids, ideally with access to both parents. This is probably part of the reason his "baggage" seems overwhelming to you. There's nothing wrong with that!
ComingInHot Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Hey Baby, something you wrote made me a little concerned. You stated more than once now how you don't think of his W as a real person, as awful, as and you acknowledge you are only Truly getting only Half the story which is fine with you as if you accepted his W as a person you'd never be able to "do what you're doing". Does it concern you or have you thought about the fact that 1. You have been "able" to dehumanize another human being for your selfish gain? 2. You blame MM's W and kids for " killing your love"? 3. Are you concerned that by teaching yourself to dehumanize another, that this could become a pattern for you and you continue to do this when you want something that someone has? I do NOT mean this in ANY way as a "bash" or meanly. It's just something that kind of stuck out to me and because I see your conflict here and that you understand the time of life you are in that may not be the "right" time for you & MM. I DON'T want unhealthy habits to form with you because of this A that could potentially follow you for life and harm you*
Goodbye Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Thanks alot LFH. Hopefully me and him can be good friends one day, as he really is the kindest person I've ever met- but right now I need to focus on my job and him on his kids and go NC. Hes already paid for flights, but with the spending money my parents have offered to give me spends, and my friends were never going to rely on him for that anyway. I'd love to one day be his best friend, and I want to help him with his business (maybe from a far) but right now we need some distance to start making decisions about our future independently of one, another. Good job, you do get it. And you aren't going to let the emotional piece dictate your actions. Not easy, but definitely commendable. Do you think you can follow through?
Goodbye Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Hey Baby, something you wrote made me a little concerned. You stated more than once now how you don't think of his W as a real person, as awful, as and you acknowledge you are only Truly getting only Half the story which is fine with you as if you accepted his W as a person you'd never be able to "do what you're doing". Does it concern you or have you thought about the fact that 1. You have been "able" to dehumanize another human being for your selfish gain? 2. You blame MM's W and kids for " killing your love"? 3. Are you concerned that by teaching yourself to dehumanize another, that this could become a pattern for you and you continue to do this when you want something that someone has? I do NOT mean this in ANY way as a "bash" or meanly. It's just something that kind of stuck out to me and because I see your conflict here and that you understand the time of life you are in that may not be the "right" time for you & MM. I DON'T want unhealthy habits to form with you because of this A that could potentially follow you for life and harm you* CIH, She has repeatedly admitted that this is a selfish and immature view. I think she gets it.
ComingInHot Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 goodbye, maybe re-read my post? I concurred that she acknowledges Everything she is doing. What I DID ask was, again, has she consciencly thought about the ability she has discovered and polished, to dehumanize another person, and would this new realized "ability" repeat itself in the future and put into use with Other, even Non-Affair related issues & situations?? Very different from what you interpreted* Baby, If I didn't put across my question/s in a comprehensive way, I apologize. 1
Author Baby123 Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 Firstly the dehumanising thing- I think its happened for 2 reasons, firstly I work in strategic development. I have learned in order to win, more often than not someone looses. In order to benefit someone is put out. In order to be the best someone is the worst. And maybe this mentality has creeped into other aspects of my life. Just like I use my negotiation skills in everything I do. Secondly, when I met him he was very resentful of her, and I very sorry for her. He saw that and I think made her seem worse to me then perhaps she was. Its bad of him, its bad of me, and the BS has also been very nasty to me (understandably.) Its just easier sometimes to block things out. I split up with him many times through feeling sorry for her in the beginning. Not a quality to admire, but a quality non the less. About the age gap, it does matter, I wish it was smaller but it is what it is. Right now I like it, but in 20 years I wont- I realise this makes my love conditional, which is something it shouldn't be. I think and hope I can go NC this time, ive made plans for the next 2 weeks in different cities to him so fingers crossed. its for the best for both of us. I am just a young girl, in an adults situation. Ive played my part- but realistically they were together when I was a toddler. The whole thing is TOO MUCH. I wish wish wish the age gap was less then id fight every battle for him
Author Baby123 Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 LFH I think it must be true, if we worried about everything all the time nothing would ever be 'achieved'- I don't know if that is the right word. On some level I do feel sorry for her, but she doesn't help herself in my eyes. She is seeing someone new, although she would like her H back. I sometimes think that when I cry over my MM I expect everyone to feel sorry for me, but I shouldn't because in reality, I obviously didn't care about anyone but myself and my MM when I started the A.
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