How to play this now?

[Jingle14]

I broke up with the person I considered to be 'the one' in June 2011. This had been a very intense relationship, we planned a future and really thought it was forever (I know, don't we all). We were so happy and amazed that, in our 40's, we had 'found' each other after long previous relationships which we weren't happy in.

 

The relationship wasn't without its problems though, as we were both going through difficult divorces (even though she left him, she hated he was with me). I can have quite a fiery temperement and he found that difficult to handle, especially so when he and his ex never crossed words (although they did each seethe with inner resentment). I was going through a lot of pressure with my own split (which he was the cause of) so it wasn't plain sailing. However, instead of sticking by me - especially after all I'd sacrificed for him - he ran. I learnt from the relationship though that conflict is dealt with much better in his conciliatory way and I'm much calmer and more rational as a result, which is very much easier.

 

Since September 2011 there has been very little contact. I saw him in June last year and we hugged for a full hour. I've seen him a couple of times since - only fleetingly, not to speak to. Our last contact was a text I sent him in October last year but he didn't reply. He's been very guarded against me pretty much.

 

While out with a friend on Saturday night, he was there (I didn't realise until he came up to me to say hello) and ended up sitting next to me for 2 hours. He was very smiley and touchy feely (tickling me, holding my hand, putting his arms around me, smiling warmly while looking into my eyes), clearly happy to see me, very attentive. We chatted, laughed, enjoyed each others company. He told me I looked 'beautiful and calm', told me he thought about me a lot, especially when he visited my home town adding 'when I'm there, you're all I think about' (when I expressed surprise). But then he told me he was seeing someone. At that point, I said I was leaving but he asked me not to and we hugged tightly.

 

At the end of the night, I gave him a lift home (he'd had a bit to drink, I hadn't). We sat in his house and chatted some more - all lighthearted, laughing - but then we ended up in bed together and I stayed the night. Yesterday morning, he was a little hungover but we were still intimate before I left. The 'old' me would have been questioning him about this other person, being jealous, wanting to know where this left us etc. The 'new' me didn't, I was calm and relaxed and asked nothing - very different. I'd mentioned on Sunday night that I'd started going to barn dances for a laugh and what good fun they were, and said there's one on next month, come with me and he said yes. I reminded him of this yesterday morning as I was about to leave and he laughed but when I said I'd let him know when it was he said 'ok' with a smile, not 'I'm seeing someone and I can't'.

 

I might be being stupid, I know that, and I'm not getting carried away - in fact, I'm calm about it all. Logic tells me he can't be all that happy with this other woman as he wouldn't have ended up with me all evening and then in bed (even though he'd been drinking, I know him well enough to know he would not have let that happen if he was in a stable, happy relationship, for all his faults). The 'old' me would have texted or emailed him already, the 'new' me wont. I don't feel guilty about this other woman, she's nothing to do with me (I'm sorry if this sounds selfish but I sacrificed my marriage for this man and I didn't do that lightly, this was a very, very important relationship to me, I loved him very deeply and its taken me almost 2 years to even think I might date again). He always said in the past that he thinks people speak their mind more, and the truth comes out, when they've had a drink.

 

Question is, what should I do now? If there is even the tiniest hope of any reconcilliation, then I don't want to blow it. I know him well, he's very analytical and logical, he's not a spontaneous person (even though he likes to think he is, he's too scared to be). My friends think what happened will have given him a lot to think about, I'm not sure. He told me when we first got together that he'd surpressed his feelings for me for almost 3 years 'for the sake of my family', I'd been his fantasy all that time (his words, not mine).

 

I'm asking for advice, not judgement, so please don't be too harsh.

Edited May 28, 2013 by Jingle14

[metal_chick]

Ok. I'm about to lay something on you. We assume that if someone cheats, they're not "happy". This isn't true. People cheat for a variety of reasons, and it can have absolutely nothing to do with how "happy" they are. And the easiest way to cheat is with someone familiar. It's far less effort than with someone new.

 

Even happy people cheat. I speak from experience.

 

Withdraw from this situation immediately and go back to NC. When he comes sniffing around, tell him what transpired between you is not happening again. Then back to NC. Leave the next move up to him. Anything less than that is a breadcrumb and should not be replied to.