Damsel in Distress update

[Damsel in Distress]

I disappeared from this site for a while as I was confused and decided to just wing it alone than write about it, especially because I wasn't able to do NC.- I wasn't ready to give up on the relationship, couldn't accept that it was over, and saw myself as waiting it out instead of breakup up. Until tonight. I'm back to the breakup forum.

 

Long distance relationship of 2+ years. Between visits our contact was through video chat, phone calls, gaming, etc. Valentine's Day was great, we spent most of the day talking and in a good mood. The next day we were chatting, he said brb... and didn't come back. Silence for two weeks with no warning. He didn't respond to phone calls, text or messages. Finally two weeks later he emailed. he talked about some difficulties, said his life was a total mess, and then threw in at the end that he met somebody, they had talked by phone, but nothing had happened. We talked by phone the next few days and he said he wasnt breaking up with me and he was very confused and needed time to straighten up the mess in his life, to get his head straight and decide what he wants. He ended by saying thanks for talking, call any time. I gave him space, but didn't hear a thing from him for (a very painful!) two months.

 

The whole time I was desperate for information about what was going on, feeling that I was left hanging - I looked for clues on FB, etc, but there were no signs of any online presence. I am still very grateful to Am4Real for explaining to me that THAT was a break-up talk, the best my ex was capable of. Intellectually I knew he was right, but my heart chose to focus on slivers of hope rather than accepting that the relationship was over.

 

After two months of silence, he unexpectedly logged into a game we play together. My heart jumped when he logged in. I was glad to see him, but pissed that he chose to make contact in such an impersonal way. He was friendly but wasn't saying anything about where he had been for two months or what was going on.. No apologies or explanations (WTF!). Finally I asked and he said " Nothing is going on, I don't have a girlfriend. I'm not ignoring just YOU - I'm not talking to anybody. I'm having a hard time and just need time alone. I appreciate how patient you have been." Other than that he kept it game-related, and logged out without anything personal.

 

Over the next two weeks there were a couple more game logins that were very similar. He threw in a few updates about things going on in his life and work, etc. This was just breadcrumbs, but I took it as a sign he was warming back up, tried calling but got no response.

 

His birthday was last week, and I got a sucker punch when I saw a girl posted a loving birthday message to his FB, which was deleted shortly after I saw it. I was further shocked when i tried calling him and he picked up - for the first time in nearly 3 months. He sounded glad to hear from me and talked as if nothing had happened. (huh???!) When I asked about what is going on, and he said nothing is going on, just still keeping to himself and not talking to anybody. Then I asked about the FB message. Finally he had to admit that they have gone out and she's crazy about him. But he insisted that she's not his girlfriend, he doesn't want a serious girlfriend, and this girl isn't the reason he hasn't been talking to me. he's staying away from everybody, turned off the internet on his phone, blah blah. We talked a little about old times and he clearly has great memories. I said, I can't believe you are willing to give that up... he said, "Don't say that! I'm not giving it up. We never know what may happen." We ended on a positive note, but that was followed by another week of silence.

 

Then tonight I noticed that his MOM is now friends with this new girl. Bingo. Can't get much clearer evidence than that. I am so frustrated that this was how I found out the truth. Why wouldn't he tell me the truth - so I can move on. If only my ex had the balls clearly tell me it was over. I think he truly felt bad and didn't want to hurt me, but gosh, letting me have hope is much more hurtful than letting me go.

 

I know that I shouldn't need this kind of evidence to believe he is done with the relationship... when he was silent for 3 months except for a few breadcrumbs, but clearly I haven't been rational, and only accepted the parts that I wanted to hear.

 

So here I am. I am so upset with how he has handled this - moving on so abruptly and not able to be honest about it. Up until Feb 15th I felt completely secure and didn't doubt his love or the relationship. I assume the long distance was the problem, but he had always said he is a loner, and the long distance setup was ideal for him. But when somebody local came along and pursued him, gosh he dropped me like a hot potato. It was so hard for me to believe that somebody who loved me so much, who enjoyed my company so much, could do that and handle it in that way. It still boggles my mind. I can't blame him for wanting a local relationship, and I hope this makes him happy, but gosh this was not handled well.

 

I feel like such an idiot for allowing my mind and emotions to focus on him for the past three months, for failing to accept the obvious, clinging to hopes. Why was I so stubborn, and why would I even want somebody who would ignore me for 3 months?? No need to kick me, I'm already kicking myself.

[metal_chick]

So what happens now? Next step?

[BustedUpInside]

So what happens now? Next step?

 

Exactly. I am much more interested in what you're going to do, then his boring stupid life. How are you?

[metal_chick]

Exactly. I am much more interested in what you're going to do, then his boring stupid life. How are you?

 

S--t, I only read the last paragraph before weighing in - you read all of it?!

 

Joking, OP. My advice still stands. How about YOU?

[Damsel in Distress]

Honestly The past two days i have felt better than I have since February! Somehow getting confirmation that he really has moved on - no longer cares about me, but has turned his heart and attention elsewhere, found something that he feels is better for him... I finally feel free to close up this wound and start on a new path.

 

He kept insisting that he didn't have a girlfriend and he wasn't avoiding ME, but depressed and needing time alone. So I felt that I had to leave my heart there with an open wound... scared to stitch it up, allowing it to continue to bleed so that it would still be open when/if he decided to return. Almost feeling that it was a virtue to be patient and wait while he got his life together "Good things come to those who are patient." Yes I know this is twisted, but it's where I was.

 

No contact doesn't work when you are waiting with a bleeding heart - I was desperate for information - I needed to find out (sooner rather than later) whether to close up and harden my heart or continue waiting (and bleeding!). He's gone silent in the past for a few weeks at a time and came back, so I had reason to believe it would happen again. But as the weeks became months, intellectually I suspected he was gone this time... but he wasn't giving me any information to be sure what was going on. In fact after 2 months of silence and I finally saw him in that game and i asked him to tell me what is going on - he said "Nothing is going on, Damsel. There's no girl. my life is a mess and I just need to be alone." I wanted to scream. Those breadcrumbs didn't give me any information either way. I'm not sure if he handled this way because he didn't want the guilt of hurting me or because he wanted to keep me hanging just in case he needed a backup, but either way it left me enough rope to continue waiting in limbo.

 

Some will say I would have been bbetter off with NC... but without any information I was continuing to leave myself in limbo. I needed to be sure before I could let go. I do believe in NC.. but the way it works is to protect you from the emotions they trigger while you are healing. If you are not ready and willing to heal, I think NC makes you anxious and miserable.

 

I feel that I am in a much better place to benefit from NC now. The past two days I've actually felt like the rock tied around my waist finally got cut off, and I'm swimming up to the surface. I have a very full life (3 kids, professional job, active in volunteer work, respected in the community, etc). I've surely slacked a bit over the past 3 months - hard to live your life to its fullest with a huge rock dragging you down (loved that analogy, whoever it was who came up with it!) but I'm now ready to embrace the current moment, instead of pining away for the past, or waiting for an uncertain future.

 

I'll admit I have to fight my thoughts... even these two days I can feel thoughts trying to creep back in... thoughts that maybe there is some other explanation and this girl really isn't his girlfriend. But I'm able to fight those thoughts off now. By breaking NC and allowing myself to obsess and search for information, I was able to gather enough convincing evidence that I can now argue sense into myself when those thoughts come intruding.

 

But because I know those irrational thoughts are still simmering, I know that contact with him at this point would be detrimental. So NOW, finally, 3 months out, I am ready to try NC (on MY terms not just him refusing to speak to me).

[mtnbiker3000]

I was wondering where ya went. Well, glad your back (and I mean that in a good way)...