BornToDie Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I've known this girl for years but have only been her best friend for about a year and a half. When we became friends, she'd just gotten out of a 5 year relationship with someone who constantly cheated on her and destroyed her self esteem. She needed someone, and so did I, so we spent every day and night together. She started dating her current boyfriend last August, and things have changed drastically since. Our hometown is 45 minutes away from our college town, and originally, we had apartments we lived in at college. Months after seeing her boyfriend, I only saw her maybe twice a week. She basically moved into his apartment, but I understood and was happy for her. I realize that when friends get boyfriends, distance will happen, so I've never pushed her. In the past few months, I only saw her maybe once every other week. She and I were talking about getting a house together, but after dating her boyfriend, she announced that both of them were getting an apartment together in our hometown (4 months in their relationship). I was disappointed but understood. Soon after, she'd promise to come visit so we could go out and have a girls night, but those plans always fell through. My friend is almost 22 and gets sick a lot; she has diabetes and lupus, and she goes to the ER a lot for things like dehydration and kidney stones. Whenever she cancelled plans, she'd say she was in the ER at 7 that morning, but then I'd see her post that she was going out to dinner with her boyfriend, and that really hurt me. However, she promised me that "when they moved in together, we'd hang out like we did last summer because she and her boyfriend would get tired of each other, and she'd need girl time." Seeing as how they basically lived together before moving in their own apartment, I didn't see how that made sense, but I took her word for it. However, that hasn't really been the case. I've maybe seen her twice since the end of April. She uses excuses like "I've been busy moving in the new apartment" or "my doctor says I can't go out tonight," but then I see her post on Twitter about how she went to the mall or went places with her boyfriend. We iMessage, and I'll send her a text that will be read but not responded to for hours, if at all. Please note that I have never been pressing to her. Each time she cancelled, I understood. My friend is the messiest person I know, but since she's started living with her boyfriend, she's all about cooking, cleaning, and doing his laundry for him. I know the real reason she won't come to see me is because she is terrified that her boyfriend will go off and cheat on her if she does. He's never cheated before, but the fact that her ex cheated on her for years has demolished her self esteem, and she's even admitted to me that she's terrified he'll cheat (although everyone agrees that her fears are irrational). I know that to her, though, the fear seems very real. I really don't know what to do or how to address this to her without coming off wrong. As her friend, this really breaks my heart. I take her friendship seriously even though she is neglecting me. I just want her to realize that if her boyfriend does cheat, I may not be around by then because of how she's treated me. I want her to understand that I get her self esteem issues, but they're damaging our friendship. I realize the picture I've painted of her doesn't seem very positive, but I've had some of the best times of my life with this girl and consider her friendship to be the best I've ever had. It bothers me because I myself have been in a relationship for 3+ years, and if my best friend asked me to hang out with her, I'd drop what I was doing in a heartbeat. I don't feel like she feels the same way. She and I are making plans to hang this week, and if she does this again, I don't think I'll be able to hold back any longer. What should I say and do?
chocolatepudding Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 I can see why you are feeling hurt because it looks as though she's lied to you, however you really value her friendship and seem to care about her a lot. Of course it's normal for a friend to go off and spend all or most of their time with their boyfriend when they meet someone, but at the same time it's a big change for you and you miss her company. Have you told her that you really miss her and that you feel it's such a shame you haven't seen her in a long time because you love her company? How about meeting up with both her and her boyfriend? Perhaps best not to mention the bit about maybe not being there for her if her boyfriend does cheat.
Recommended Posts