trippi1432 Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I think I will just let my "likes" speak for themselves on this thread. Old School - When I was your tender age (23), I used to think that love conquered all as well. That if I continued to forgive, eventually I would be loved and valued as I deserved to be. I learned that forgiveness doesn't mean to continue to take back which hurts me, it is also letting go of which hurts me too. It's a disappointing lesson in life, especially when you have given so much of it to a MAN MISTAKE. 2
Author Steen719 Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 not that i beilieve you are wrong, but there is always a way to handle things. regret can transform people. now what i say next i dont want you to get upset. please take is stricly as an observation. with you working and im going to hate saying this but its because of how i fealt when my ex-wife did. these are feelings remebered not feelings i have and i dont want what i just said to contribute to YOUR situation. he fealt alone. in marriage you must carry everything, not you but both people. work, children, eachother. it seems apparent to me we neglect some areas at different times. and thats where things go crazy and we live for the sparce moments inbetween. When that devil of a women was working, thats all she did. i cleaned the house took care of the kid and did everything in advance preparation until she got home. this was after a few things that she did that contributed to the loss of my job. being lonely creates a need for intimacy. for him he made a mistake. A MAN MISTAKE. i know you say you dont want him. which you may not but find out what you really want. atleast give him a chance. chances are after his operation and this is not justification. a persons choice is their own. thats accountability. he fealt some things he normally wouldnt. you were working he didnt feel like a man and you were gone so his want outweighed his good and better judgement. sometimes the man below has a way of taking over. again not justification bu the feelings come. ive had them but never acted on them. its a struggle and he wasnt in a condition, MAYBE to make good choices. atleast talk with him. asked him why. get some closure. dont take a BS answer. ask him to take responsibility and then tell him how he knows he can avoid it if you ever did get back with him. guage his answer. its all up to you. i know if a person cheated on me i wouldnt have a problem, really. i know my self-worth and that what they did was wrong. if they can admit it, in time, i will let it go and monitor them. cheaters arent always cheaters. any habit can be broken and in good reason. TO BE VERY HONEST. married men want to only sleep with their wife. its the feelings and the situation that have grave consequences of a mistake made. if anything ask him if he truly wanted to sleep with those women. he might tell you alot of things. i dont know mam, im just trying to share if you care to investiagte. My monitoring days are over...that is NO way to live, believe me. 2
BetrayedH Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Steen, I've already made it clear that if you take that asshat back, I will personally drive up there and kick your behind if I have to check every door in the city to find you. You're worth more than that clown and he's had plenty of chances to right his wrongs. Make a new life for yourself and enjoy it. I think 5 years to get clear will pass before you know it. If only I was so lucky; my youngest is just 6 years old. Can you imagine routinely dealing with your ex for another 12 years?! And then the kids will be having marriages and kids of their own. Ugh. I'll never be free! (We were talking about me here, right?) Anyway, just being jovial, of course. Keep your chin up. There are brighter days ahead without any asshats involved. 4
Author Steen719 Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 While forgiveness may not have limits, tolerance and patience do. Only a fool would set themselves up to be betrayed 3 times...by the same person..in the same relationship... Mr. Lucky Yep, only a fool. I think two times was more than enough chances. When he was here for Mother's day, he asked me if I wanted to get back together; that it would be good for both of us and I brought to his attention that his cheating on me twice was reason not to and that for all I knew, he could have been cheating with how many more. He said, "oh no, just the two", so proud. Oh dear! 2
Author Steen719 Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 Steen, I've already made it clear that if you take that asshat back, I will personally drive up there and kick your behind if I have to check every door in the city to find you. You are a funny man, BH! You're worth more than that clown and he's had plenty of chances to right his wrongs. Make a new life for yourself and enjoy it. :love: I think 5 years to get clear will pass before you know it. If only I was so lucky; my youngest is just 6 years old. Can you imagine routinely dealing with your ex for another 12 years?! And then the kids will be having marriages and kids of their own. Ugh. I'll never be free! (We were talking about me here, right?) LOL, BH, I have no problem at all in talking about you....t/j away. I am fine with a general discussion. Anyway, just being jovial, of course. Keep your chin up. There are brighter days ahead without any asshats involved. It would be harder to have small kids, that is true. But on the flip side of that, you are younger and have more chance to meet someone with not quite so much baggage - well, maybe, anyway. I think no matter what, when you have kids, it makes it harder - his gf, your bf, family holidays, etc. SICK, isn't it? How complicated can it get? Next will be my son's college graduation. You are right - it will never end, but maybe our perspectives will continue to be healthier each day. 3
Author Steen719 Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 I think that all cheaters have regrets and want or wonder about what might have been if they had just tried harder or stuck it out. I know both of my exH's think about it, have said things to me in the past two years that I know they do. Both are married, both are not always happy, but going back to the past that obviously wasn't good for them in some way or another for them to cheat is not the way to resolve what they are currently unhappy about either in their current marriages. Like Steen, I don't want to be alone forever either; however, I won't lower my morals, values or standards to take back what wasn't working. I'll keep a "special place in my heart" (as one of my exH's told me) as they were my history, we have children together, there was a time that we loved each other. But, this is now MY future, and in that it's finding someone who does have the mindset that they want to stick it out through thick and thin and you know they are worth it as much as you are. At least you put yourself out there - I am not there yet. I admire that you try. 2
Author Steen719 Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 You're kidding.... right?? She already gave him 2 chances plus 30 years' marriage. Then he comes back to her, all roses and romance - and he's STILL talking to the ex!! And you honestly believe she should still bend over backwards for this man to give him yet another chance...?!? Er.... No. Most definitely not. Absolutely, definitely not. No bending here - either way :lmao::lmao: 2
Author Steen719 Posted May 29, 2013 Author Posted May 29, 2013 Oh cool, a thread with my name on it. Hi Steen, I'm sorry you went through so much garbage. How disappointing But you sound much happier now. You sound more assured and really, really over him and his BS. I am a little unsettled. I really am. It is okayish.... but not quite as well as I had hoped. The intimacy hasn't picked up as much as I'd like. And now that I am on the Wellbutrin (although cutting back to discontinue) we scrap a lot. Just in the last couple of days, we seem to be getting on the same page. It's been so tough. I have just three months left of school after a year invested. sigh. so much stress. I really want us to get to the brain clinic, but the finances as of yet just aren't there. He's willing to go and get a polygraph but the money that we had just marked out just had to go for expenses. Sigh. Our little daughter just turned four.:love: She's great! Today is our eighth anniversary of the day that we met, tomorrow is our seventh of the day we got married. I just didn't think that we would be.....here. Ironically today I got a letter in the mail auditing the two years of separation we've been filing. We have great documentation for the first year, but when we fought to get our daughter back, he moved back here, but I rented him the lower part of the up and down suites (to work on recon and so he could be close to his daughter). I am not even sure if the government will accept that now, I am so stressed because that means if they rule that we are not separated over the last two years, I might lose my school funding and have to repay a whole bunch of it. Ugh. So close to being done with my prerequisites too! I hope that you keep doing well. And yes, he isn't demonstrating anything worth thinking twice about. Especially after such a long investment. He needs something, but more of your time is not it. Does this mean that you are in danger of losing your daughter? Does your H pay rent for the downstairs? What a mess. Only 7 years and so much has happened. Is your H working? What is the polygraph for? Some days, it is just so much to face, isn't it? Seems like a wall everywhere you look, but you have your daughter and I know what kids can do for you. They mean everything and you will go to any length to make sure they are OK. I'm sorry things aren't better - I had that sense from your posts. You have been through a lot, but if your daughter is thriving and happy, you have done something right! Keep the faith. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 Does this mean that you are in danger of losing your daughter? Does your H pay rent for the downstairs? What a mess. Only 7 years and so much has happened. Is your H working? What is the polygraph for? Some days, it is just so much to face, isn't it? Seems like a wall everywhere you look, but you have your daughter and I know what kids can do for you. They mean everything and you will go to any length to make sure they are OK. I'm sorry things aren't better - I had that sense from your posts. You have been through a lot, but if your daughter is thriving and happy, you have done something right! Keep the faith. Oh jeez. It certainly isn't as bad as your response suggests. 1. NO I am not in danger of losing my daughter. That was over a long time ago. They even sent her home early with no continuing terms (RARE, less than 20% of cases). She's fine, she's great, she's cute. She's a bit of a brat but she's four. 2. Husband "kinda" pays rent for the downstairs. He pays $550 a month for R&B BUT it's more in lieu of child support. He is a funded student. Which also means that even if I wanted to, I couldn't get a dime out of him. But we still pool together money anyhow. We do have separate accounts but he can't get into mine and I can get into his. I know that sounds messed up. He did take money though and leave me broke, so I do have that protection. He also trusts me with access to his account. I have never withheld or played a power card regarding funds. He'd leave if I did anyhow, and I hope that he would if I did so. The rental agreement we have is just a formality between us for my protection, but it is documented. It also gives me the freedom to kick him out if I need to if he goes back to Addict-Land. I went through so much that it will probably be one more year of decent actions etc. before I am ready to sign on a lease with him again. All of this is, in theory, probational until we are both comfortable enough to fully invest in trusting one another. There's a lot of water under that bridge. 3. The polygraph is regarding full disclosure of his sexual addiction. It is to confirm that he has been honest with me about the nature and depth of his "acting out" during our relationship, highlight any "at risk patterns" and confirm that he hasn't stepped out for as long as he claims that he hasn't. He has claimed faithfulness for over a year at this point. He knew that that poly was coming for years. He was also aware that it was a required condition of continuing the relationship and a non-negotiable. No surprises or "forcing" him to do anything. He chose to cheat. He can chose to prove that he isn't. Or we can divorce. Whatever. I am not staying with someone that can go really off-the-wall without confirmation just because "I feel I can trust them now." He played that card and manipulated my feelings too many times in active addiction. 4. We're okay but not great. We are getting along MUCH better than we were when he was in active addiction. We can now remain in the same city together. We spend a fair amount of time with one another and the affection is returning. It's just limbo-land until we can afford to continue the marital work. Every time we do, we get results. But with our histories and our history together, we really do need the supports. Our issues wouldn't just disappear if we split up and found other people. And we do care for one another. We do need to rebuild trust and forgive and heal from all of the crapola. I really want to get us to the Brain Clinic for SPECT scans. And he really needs some ADD meds or supplements. So frustrating both of us living with this.
trippi1432 Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 At least you put yourself out there - I am not there yet. I admire that you try. Meh...just got dumped today I think! LOL!! I guess the poor guy gave up on his repeated requests that I marry him after only going on one date. I thought women were supposed to be desperate?? I guess after two bad marriages, I keep some hope that one day I will have learned enough and will meet someone else who has learned enough to share a happy life together. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Steen, I've already made it clear that if you take that asshat back, I will personally drive up there and kick your behind if I have to check every door in the city to find you. How very Bostonian of you BetrayedH You're worth more than that clown and he's had plenty of chances to right his wrongs. This statement made me envision this: Image of 'The Merry clown with ball and flower.' coming back to beg for Steen. He even has balloons! C'mon! C'mon! There are brighter days ahead without any asshats involved. And hopefully -1 clown. That it would be good for both of us and I brought to his attention that his cheating on me twice was reason not to and that for all I knew, he could have been cheating with how many more. He said, "oh no, just the two", so proud. Oh dear! Proud Clown In Colorful Wearing, Standing With Folded Arms On White Background Stock Photo 95386798 : Shutterstock have more chance to meet someone with not quite so much baggage - well, maybe, anyway. SICK, isn't it? How complicated can it get? C'MON! http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_TjTFXtldCLU/TO0mUKpsChI/AAAAAAAAAbw/h4i-KQRd35c/s1600/clown.jpg Meh...just got dumped today I think! LOL!! I guess the poor guy gave up on his repeated requests that I marry him after only going on one date. I thought women were supposed to be desperate?? He wouldn't commit after one date! What is he waiting for? What does he think you are!? Some kind of pushover? (quoted originally by Steen719) I think two times was more than enough chances. awww...... http://i105.photobucket.com/albums/m238/onap/sad-clown.jpg (Honestly, I don't know what the Hell is wrong with me.) 1
Author Steen719 Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 Meh...just got dumped today I think! LOL!! I guess the poor guy gave up on his repeated requests that I marry him after only going on one date. I thought women were supposed to be desperate?? I guess after two bad marriages, I keep some hope that one day I will have learned enough and will meet someone else who has learned enough to share a happy life together. OMG...one date???? Unreal! He didn't have a hint that might be just a little too fast? 2
Author Steen719 Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 And hopefully -1 clown. Proud Clown In Colorful Wearing, Standing With Folded Arms On White Background Stock Photo 95386798 : Shutterstock C'MON! http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_TjTFXtldCLU/TO0mUKpsChI/AAAAAAAAAbw/h4i-KQRd35c/s1600/clown.jpg He wouldn't commit after one date! What is he waiting for? What does he think you are!? Some kind of pushover? awww...... http://i105.photobucket.com/albums/m238/onap/sad-clown.jpg (Honestly, I don't know what the Hell is wrong with me.) There is not one thing wrong with you!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you for starting my day out with a laugh. I want to answer your other post, but it will have to wait as I am getting ready to leave for work. Have a good day, dot; you are too funny! 2
trippi1432 Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 OMG...one date???? Unreal! He didn't have a hint that might be just a little too fast? Tell me about it!! LOL! Anyone that "falls in love" that fast, is apt to fall out of love just as quickly too. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Tell me about it!! LOL! Anyone that "falls in love" that fast, is apt to fall out of love just as quickly too. I misread it. I thought you were joking about asking him. But I guessed you're the one with the "commitment issues":rolleyes: It's not like guys like him come along every date, y'know..... 1
trippi1432 Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 I misread it. I thought you were joking about asking him. But I guessed you're the one with the "commitment issues":rolleyes: It's not like guys like him come along every date, y'know..... Very true DOT, and hopefully they don't. When it's just too good to be true, it probably is. Guess I lost out on that one or perhaps I dodged a bullet? Darn these commitment issues I have!! 1
Author Steen719 Posted June 1, 2013 Author Posted June 1, 2013 Oh jeez. It certainly isn't as bad as your response suggests. 1. NO I am not in danger of losing my daughter. That was over a long time ago. They even sent her home early with no continuing terms (RARE, less than 20% of cases). She's fine, she's great, she's cute. She's a bit of a brat but she's four. 2. Husband "kinda" pays rent for the downstairs. He pays $550 a month for R&B BUT it's more in lieu of child support. He is a funded student. Which also means that even if I wanted to, I couldn't get a dime out of him. But we still pool together money anyhow. We do have separate accounts but he can't get into mine and I can get into his. I know that sounds messed up. He did take money though and leave me broke, so I do have that protection. He also trusts me with access to his account. I have never withheld or played a power card regarding funds. He'd leave if I did anyhow, and I hope that he would if I did so. The rental agreement we have is just a formality between us for my protection, but it is documented. It also gives me the freedom to kick him out if I need to if he goes back to Addict-Land. I went through so much that it will probably be one more year of decent actions etc. before I am ready to sign on a lease with him again. All of this is, in theory, probational until we are both comfortable enough to fully invest in trusting one another. There's a lot of water under that bridge. 3. The polygraph is regarding full disclosure of his sexual addiction. It is to confirm that he has been honest with me about the nature and depth of his "acting out" during our relationship, highlight any "at risk patterns" and confirm that he hasn't stepped out for as long as he claims that he hasn't. He has claimed faithfulness for over a year at this point. He knew that that poly was coming for years. He was also aware that it was a required condition of continuing the relationship and a non-negotiable. No surprises or "forcing" him to do anything. He chose to cheat. He can chose to prove that he isn't. Or we can divorce. Whatever. I am not staying with someone that can go really off-the-wall without confirmation just because "I feel I can trust them now." He played that card and manipulated my feelings too many times in active addiction. 4. We're okay but not great. We are getting along MUCH better than we were when he was in active addiction. We can now remain in the same city together. We spend a fair amount of time with one another and the affection is returning. It's just limbo-land until we can afford to continue the marital work. Every time we do, we get results. But with our histories and our history together, we really do need the supports. Our issues wouldn't just disappear if we split up and found other people. And we do care for one another. We do need to rebuild trust and forgive and heal from all of the crapola. I really want to get us to the Brain Clinic for SPECT scans. And he really needs some ADD meds or supplements. So frustrating both of us living with this. Hey dot, finally am getting back to this. OMG, I am so glad it is Friday - (just one job over the weekend...not two). XH is supposed to be in town this weekend and I am thinking that since I have not heard a peep since Mother's day, he is probably back with the gf. I don't know why this whole different aspect of this divorce relationship bothers me. Maybe because before they broke up, I had no contact. I have discovered that there is nothing easy about this. I'm glad your daughter is safe and sound with you. One less issue. Is sexual addiction like other addictions in treatment and is it a compulsive act? I have wondered if there is an OCD component. Anyway, I'm glad you and your H are trying as it seems as if you are wanting to make every effort. Something you said about the issues following you started me thinking about how much work I would need to put into a new relationship - UGH. I don't know about that. Anyway, I hope you don't end up paying back the school money. Oh...and aren't kids great? Such love - we are lucky to have them.
dreamingoftigers Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Hey dot, finally am getting back to this. OMG, I am so glad it is Friday - (just one job over the weekend...not two). XH is supposed to be in town this weekend and I am thinking that since I have not heard a peep since Mother's day, he is probably back with the gf. I don't know why this whole different aspect of this divorce relationship bothers me. Maybe because before they broke up, I had no contact. I have discovered that there is nothing easy about this. Frankly, it's part of why I avoided the divorce. So much pain and separation and we would've fought like wild dogs over our daughter. Your xH may need to be blocked out in a blanket-style move. What a tosser! I'm glad your daughter is safe and sound with you. One less issue. Me too, you have no idea May 2013 598 | Flickr - Photo Sharing! Is sexual addiction like other addictions in treatment and is it a compulsive act? I have wondered if there is an OCD component. Anyway, I'm glad you and your H are trying as it seems as if you are wanting to make every effort. Something you said about the issues following you started me thinking about how much work I would need to put into a new relationship - UGH. I don't know about that. Anyway, I hope you don't end up paying back the school money. Oh...and aren't kids great? Such love - we are lucky to have them. SA is a type of compulsion. I would not be surprised to find out that there is an OCD element to it. I suffer from impulsive and compulsive control issues as well, so there's no doubt that I would have a mate with something similar. Anyone else would find it unlivable. It is exhausting trudging through this. I need a nice vacation. Although I probably can't afford it.
trippi1432 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Adorable!! Such a glimmer in those eyes too...I think she needs a water pistol or something. 2
dreamingoftigers Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Adorable!! Such a glimmer in those eyes too...I think she needs a water pistol or something. OMG, did I post about that? I didn't think so.
dreamingoftigers Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 OMG, did I post about that? I didn't think so. Oh right, right. My May 26th FB status: ROFL! This morning my husband decided to be miserable and sleep in, refusing to get up and deal with anything. So...... (I swear I had nothing to do with this) my daughter found her squirt gun for the first time in months.... and "surprise" Daddy. LOL ___________________________________________________________ It was pretty funny, she was squirting the plants and then she ran into the bedroom where he was still sleeping and said "Good Morning! Surprise Daddy!" And he just thought she was being cute and croaked out "Good morning T." Then she got really excited and said "I'm going to spray you!" And then she did and he was yelling for her to stop. _________________________________________________________ 2
Author Steen719 Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 Me too, you have no idea May 2013 598 | Flickr - Photo Sharing! OMG, she is a cutie! I can remember thinking at each age that I didn't want my son to get older. I loved each of those little stages. She's a doll, dot! Well, wish me luck today. I find out if I have a job for next fall. I can sub for the schools near me if I need to, but would rather know I will have the money. About the only good thing about if I don't get the re-hire right away is that I may have to pay less for the bankruptcy payment or I guess it could go to Chapter 7 instead of 13. I try daily not to think about the fact that my XH has the house to live in for free until they toss him out and that he is leaving with no payments of any kind while I came into the marriage with a house and money and leave paying for my debts because I have an extra job to help my son through college. UGH Gotta go to work.....ttyl 1
trippi1432 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 DOT - I do miss when mine were that little too and those impish moments....epic!! When my son was little, he took great delight in chasing his grandmother around the yard with the water hose, cackling!! Hilarious...she was warned not to give him the hose. LOL! And I will never forget my 1st exH telling me how our 2 year old daughter woke him up by putting an egg on his chest in the bed where he was sleeping...the next time, she got smarter...she put a beer on his chest to wake him up...hair of the dog? 2
Author Steen719 Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 So, it seems that there is some waiting yet on the job (with teacher taking a test to qualify), so I won’t know until the middle of the summer or fall. I called to attorney to ask what I could do. I filed the bankruptcy 5/16 and got the termination due to reduction in force 5/23…one week too late. They said if I don’t get re-hired, then I can go back to court to do a chapter 7. From what I can tell, the credit problems are the same with chapter 7 and 13. I can sub, but that is not really steady, so I think it would not be considered steady employment – it would be more like having a job and a half. Without the repayment plan, that would still be enough to pay son’s rent in college – just one more year. He said he would take more loans, but dear God, kids today have so much debt. He is working, but is in a difficult curriculum; Engineering, so I want him to concentrate on getting out. X basta*d pays nothing to help and will be debt free. Sigh - It seems like I take one step forward and two steps back. Feeling a little sorry for myself (no kidding, right? whine whine whine LOL), but it usually doesn’t last, so I’m sure it will work out.
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