ihateusernames0 Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I feel like I have to go by my boyfriend's availability in order to see him and it's really starting to make me sad :/ Let me give you some background info first. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. When I'm with him, everything is amazing but lately, I don't feel like that when we're apart. Now, when we met, we went to the same community college. I transferred to a university shortly after and we continued our relationship long distance, with me coming home for breaks and for summer. Well, it's now summer, I've been home since Friday and he hasn't even asked me to hang out. He broke his phone so we haven't had communication and it really gets to me. When I was away during the semester, we would plan visits but when we're apart, I would barely hear from him because of his phone. Not even an email or message on Facebook or anything so I would have no idea what's going on. Anyways, he called me today through his roommate's phone and said he's going to hang out with his best friend tonight and then Thursday to Sunday he's going with a friend to visit his friend's family (the friend is a guy). He could tell I was upset and he agreed to meet up on Wednesday to talk about what I've been feeling. I feel so upset that he made all these plans but hasn't even asked me to meet up until he heard my tone of voice. I feel like his schedule is so busy with work, school, going to visit his mom and then his friends that he has to squeeze me into it somewhere. His friends all live in the same apartment complex as him so it's easy for them to just get together but for us, I have to take two buses which takes forty five minutes to go see. The thing is, no matter what, I put him first. He's the first person I want to see when I'm back and I ask him when he's free so I can see him and this just made me realize that I'm now back home and he's too busy to even spend time with me. I'm going to start working soon and I have friends and family of my own but I would still make the effort to put aside time to see him whenever I can. What hurts the most is he is a great guy and we truly love each other. We've been through so much, I've been there for him at his worst and I know he loves me. His friends, roommates and family tell me how much he does too but that's the thing: It's when we're together that I feel it. He tells me I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him but I feel like if I was, he would put me first. He sucks at balancing his life and that is hurting our relationship and it's starting to feel like he asks to see me when he misses me even though that's not what he may feel in his head. Am I being too needy? Do I sound like I'm being unreasonable with his friends or do I have a right to be upset if I'm apparently that important to him? I honestly wouldn't mind him hanging out with his friends if it hasn't been going on so much and if I felt like he shared that time with me. I mean now that I'm back home, it's easier for us to see each other but it sounds like he's too busy. I don't want to see him with what sounds like once a week, what kind of relationship is that when we used to see each other 3-4 times when I'd be home for the summer? I am going to talk to him about this, I just don't know if I'm asking for too much.
Jane2011 Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. He's your boyfriend and should be very excited about seeing you. Have you talked to him about it before? I'm too lazy to re-read your post (I did read it once, but I don't recall this part), but it sounds like you have not yet spoken to him. It could be just a matter of telling him what you want. Although, not to be negative, but I have a friend who has a similar situation with her boyfriend, and when she has talked to him about it, he doesn't change much. But, she says (and I see it too) that he is a good boyfriend by all other accounts; they're just not on the same page as for how much communication to have. She wants more texts/phone calls. He gives a certain amount and just doesn't budge on that amount. I believe her when she says he's serious about her and that he's just stubbornly set in his ways about certain things. He could very well be a good guy who means well. I just don't know if that's true compatibility if she's often feeling frustrated and slightly under-attended-to.
Treasa Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I feel like I have to go by my boyfriend's availability in order to see him and it's really starting to make me sad :/ Let me give you some background info first. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. When I'm with him, everything is amazing but lately, I don't feel like that when we're apart. Now, when we met, we went to the same community college. I transferred to a university shortly after and we continued our relationship long distance, with me coming home for breaks and for summer. Well, it's now summer, I've been home since Friday and he hasn't even asked me to hang out. He broke his phone so we haven't had communication and it really gets to me. When I was away during the semester, we would plan visits but when we're apart, I would barely hear from him because of his phone. Not even an email or message on Facebook or anything so I would have no idea what's going on. Anyways, he called me today through his roommate's phone and said he's going to hang out with his best friend tonight and then Thursday to Sunday he's going with a friend to visit his friend's family (the friend is a guy). He could tell I was upset and he agreed to meet up on Wednesday to talk about what I've been feeling. I feel so upset that he made all these plans but hasn't even asked me to meet up until he heard my tone of voice. I feel like his schedule is so busy with work, school, going to visit his mom and then his friends that he has to squeeze me into it somewhere. His friends all live in the same apartment complex as him so it's easy for them to just get together but for us, I have to take two buses which takes forty five minutes to go see. The thing is, no matter what, I put him first. He's the first person I want to see when I'm back and I ask him when he's free so I can see him and this just made me realize that I'm now back home and he's too busy to even spend time with me. I'm going to start working soon and I have friends and family of my own but I would still make the effort to put aside time to see him whenever I can. What hurts the most is he is a great guy and we truly love each other. We've been through so much, I've been there for him at his worst and I know he loves me. His friends, roommates and family tell me how much he does too but that's the thing: It's when we're together that I feel it. He tells me I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him but I feel like if I was, he would put me first. He sucks at balancing his life and that is hurting our relationship and it's starting to feel like he asks to see me when he misses me even though that's not what he may feel in his head. Am I being too needy? Do I sound like I'm being unreasonable with his friends or do I have a right to be upset if I'm apparently that important to him? I honestly wouldn't mind him hanging out with his friends if it hasn't been going on so much and if I felt like he shared that time with me. I mean now that I'm back home, it's easier for us to see each other but it sounds like he's too busy. I don't want to see him with what sounds like once a week, what kind of relationship is that when we used to see each other 3-4 times when I'd be home for the summer? I am going to talk to him about this, I just don't know if I'm asking for too much. Stop doing that. He is taking you for granted, and you are making it easy for him. Seriously, become very, very busy with your own life - without him. See what he does in response. Act accordingly.
Cutiepie1976 Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Am I being too needy? Do I sound like I'm being unreasonable with his friends or do I have a right to be upset if I'm apparently that important to him? I honestly wouldn't mind him hanging out with his friends if it hasn't been going on so much and if I felt like he shared that time with me. No your expectations are more than reasonable, especially since you are putting in all the effort to travel and see him when you live in the same town. He isn't visiting you, nor are you even suggesting he put in any effort on this front. Frankly, barring the extraordinary, I expect a 50:50 effort, not 100% on my end, and the guy acquiescing to see me on occasion. A significantly asymmetric investment tends to be unhealthy. I mean now that I'm back home, it's easier for us to see each other but it sounds like he's too busy. I don't want to see him with what sounds like once a week, what kind of relationship is that when we used to see each other 3-4 times when I'd be home for the summer? I am going to talk to him about this, I just don't know if I'm asking for too much. You are now struggling to convince someone to see you once a week who under similar conditions a year ago spent half of the week with you. He's been disinterested and disengaged for a while, even before you got back. Unfortunately, this typically signals the end. He's not calling or attempting contact. You are. He showed no interest in seeing you until you "guilted" him into it, if you will. (Couldn't think of a better way to phrase that, so apologies.) You tried to make the effort to visit after not seeing him for a long time, and an extended absence, and he relegated you to a midweek visit, leaving his extended weekends free to go out with his buddies. Normally I am all for communication in a relationship, but it's really sort of pointless at this stage. You're just setting yourself up to be strung along until you "get it" or give up and break up with him out of frustration. Either that, or he'll just fade out of your life as he's doing. His actions and choices speak loud and clear. Last summer, when you came home he was invested in making your relationship work. This summer, he's disengaged and is no longer invested. He'd rather spend his weekends socializing with others. Unfortunately, you are making someone a priority who now only begrudgingly sees you as an option...or less. That generally won't work out well for you. Relationships require effort from both people. You putting in 100 or 200% will not make this viable. He may be a great guy, but a great guy who is no longer interested in the relationship will only hurt you. Time to reconsider IMO. Let go and stop fighting to make this work. Let him hang with his friends and be "too busy" to see you if that's his choice. Reclaim your life and self-respect and stop having all your choices revolve around when he might grant you time to see him.
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