lop98 Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 The only reason I'm in a healthier relationship now is because I got better in the past two months, and the reason I got better is because I went NC and I went NC when I found out about his relationship with some girl he met two days after he was begging me to get past the breakup. What I regret was the entire month I spent obsessing over the type of relationship they had, whether he was serious or not, what that other person was about, what she looked like, it was so confusing because he'd send breadcrumbs literally while he was with her, making me delusional and keeping hopes for reconciliation, while obsessively checking up constantly to see what they were up to. If I had previously obsessed about the issues of two people (me and him), now I had an extra element to obsess over (her). It was a month of absolute trash, lack of dignity and mental torture I will never get back, I feel like it physically aged me 3 or 5 years. The pain of the breakup remained on the same level (depression basically) but going out of my way to not "remain in the dark" and see him move on was exhausting and so downgrading. Now that I see clearer (thanks to the distance of NC and healing), I know it all comes down to our relationship and nothing else... if I had gone NC the moment he ended things so nasty, I would've realized earlier that all hope was gone right there at that moment. That's why we're not together, it's not about someone else, but the fact that he was a d!ck with me. So in other words, finding out is a nice incentive, but it shouldn't determine our right to move on. 1
suladas Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 (edited) You don't want to know. I found out, it doesn't help it makes things worse. It makes you furious, sad, want them back more, angry that they already moved on and found someone else while you're still hurting. Nothing good comes from it. I almost put my fist threw a wall when I seen my ex with someone else for the first time. Yes it's true most people hold onto hope for for a while, but at the same time if they are moving on the thoughts get less and less and eventually go away, or they meet someone new and no longer care. It took me a long time to let go of the hope. Actually not to let go of the hope, but to not want her back and realize the BU was for the best. The less you know about a ex the better. The more you know the more pain you will have. Constantly knowing what was going on in my ex's life brought me an incredible amount of extra pain. PS I can't believe how many new people there are to this section with all recent join dates with new BU's I haven't paid attention to this section in a while, it's unfortunate Edited May 28, 2013 by suladas
Leigh 87 Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 That seems unhealthy. I'm not madly in love right now and I'm not bummed that previous exes have found it. I don't really care. For example, by your own testament, you are choosy and are not rushing into a relationship. Say life gets in the way and you don't meet someone for a few years. A few years! Will you really still be hung up on Andrew to the point that him perhaps meeting someone and falling in love? Is being indifferent to your ex really so contingent on replacing them first? Because that'a an awful lot of pressure to put on the next love, when you could just work on not caring on your own... I'm sure you don't see it, but a few posters have mentioned that you're in love with the idea of love. That's not a healthy attitude. You seem to put an awful lot of your moving on from Andrew onto the responsibilites of someone else to fulfill you. That can be a disastrous situation... Oh of course I wouldn't give a damn after YEARS! I am talking short term... In the strict NC 3 month mark, I won't care AS MUCH as I do now, but I would still be hurt if he started to fall madly in love with the new girl. However, if I was dating and really into a great guy, it would not phase me if he was also moving on in the same fashion. Does that make sense? Earlier on, it would make it easier for ME to deal with HIM moving onto a new potentially serious person, if I too was enjoying the same lovey feelings again. A year? Blah. I couldn't care less. Just within those first few months it would bother me greatly, as we were both SO close and involved every single day, that I would need MORE TIME to fathom a new girl entering that territory. Even after letting go of "hope" for us, I would still hurt at him finding love within the next few months, if I were to find out. In the first few months, there is no way I would even want him to find out what I am out doing, as after YEARS together in a very close situation, it would still feel a little strange and just a very off thing to picture the other person like (with another person). Caring less is one thing. Being totally indifferent to them with a new love? That will take more time than the 3 month period.
Leigh 87 Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 You don't want to know. I found out, it doesn't help it makes things worse. It makes you furious, sad, want them back more, angry that they already moved on and found someone else while you're still hurting. Nothing good comes from it. I almost put my fist threw a wall when I seen my ex with someone else for the first time. Yes it's true most people hold onto hope for for a while, but at the same time if they are moving on the thoughts get less and less and eventually go away, or they meet someone new and no longer care. It took me a long time to let go of the hope. Actually not to let go of the hope, but to not want her back and realize the BU was for the best. The less you know about a ex the better. The more you know the more pain you will have. Constantly knowing what was going on in my ex's life brought me an incredible amount of extra pain. PS I can't believe how many new people there are to this section with all recent join dates with new BU's I haven't paid attention to this section in a while, it's unfortunate I plan to let go of hope, yet still feel a LITTLE sting for a few months if he were to meet someone new. I don't even think I will hear from him again as it stands, besides him potentially checking up on me. I already have lost he hope earlier on. I don't see or feel us getting back together. Even with months of NC though, I can tell that while the hope will have DIED; I will still get hurt if he has moved on, and I have not. I think it takes longer to get past your ex with other people, particularly the longer and more serious you were about each other.
metal_chick Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I plan to let go of hope, yet still feel a LITTLE sting for a few months if he were to meet someone new. I don't even think I will hear from him again as it stands, besides him potentially checking up on me. I already have lost he hope earlier on. I don't see or feel us getting back together. Even with months of NC though, I can tell that while the hope will have DIED; I will still get hurt if he has moved on, and I have not. I think it takes longer to get past your ex with other people, particularly the longer and more serious you were about each other. Why not try not being hurt? Why not "plan" to be indifferent?
1908 Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I like remaining in the dark about such things. At least for now. We only broke up a few months ago. Once indifference kicks in, I would be fine knowing
Leigh 87 Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Why not try not being hurt? Why not "plan" to be indifferent? Absolutely, I have to PLAN and AIM to reach indifference, rather than holding onto feelings and hope. What I meant to say is: knowing myself, I think it would take at LEAST 6 months for me to be indifferent. Rather than the 3 months you mentioned heals you significantly with strict NC. At this stage I WELCOME indifference occurring sooner rather than later. Where as before I could not quiet comprehend or will myself to WANT to stop caring, as that would mean I would not welcome him back (subconsciously)
Emilia Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 So...would you want to know? No. If I still had feelings for him I'd cut him out for this reason. It would only make me sick to my stomach and I'm not masochistic the slightest
metal_chick Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Absolutely, I have to PLAN and AIM to reach indifference, rather than holding onto feelings and hope. What I meant to say is: knowing myself, I think it would take at LEAST 6 months for me to be indifferent. Rather than the 3 months you mentioned heals you significantly with strict NC. At this stage I WELCOME indifference occurring sooner rather than later. Where as before I could not quiet comprehend or will myself to WANT to stop caring, as that would mean I would not welcome him back (subconsciously) I didn't say you should be healed, I said "at least" 3 months to feel better than you do at the break up. Everyone's NC journey is different and can take longer & shorter. But you should be feeling a bit better after 3 months. IF you don't cheat...
Leigh 87 Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I didn't say you should be healed, I said "at least" 3 months to feel better than you do at the break up. Everyone's NC journey is different and can take longer & shorter. But you should be feeling a bit better after 3 months. IF you don't cheat... I thought you alluded to being heading fast towards the indifference phase by then.. That is also why I am glad I got that job out of town! There is no way I will have to run into him and the new girl. Out of sight out of mind. That is music to my ears.
Leigh 87 Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 LOL I was thinking... hell no will I be OKAY with him banging a super model who he is falling in love with within THREE months. Or even 6. I cannot fathom the worst case scenario happening and being OKAY with it within a year. I genuinely hope it is less that a year until I feel NOTHING towards him though. And yes I would not be as upset if he got a girl before that time and she was ugly and nothing special. That is just what I am like. Jen Aniston had the worst deal..... And it happened within a year and he likely cheated on her with the most beautiful women on the planet. Now THAT would suck!!!!!!!!!!!! And what do you know, she is with a new soon to be husband who does not suck as much as her last one:lmao:
Emilia Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 And yes I would not be as upset if he got a girl before that time and she was ugly and nothing special. That is just what I am like. What a bizarre way to look at this thing. 2
metal_chick Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Ugly is such an... ugly word. And, not cool to insult people on appearance given that you've struggled with that issue in the past. We're all God's children in the dark...
Leigh 87 Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I Know I Know. I am ugly to some people too. Look though... If the next girl is some super model then yes, it would annoy me way more. Until I get to the indifference stage, at which point I could not care less since what he does will not be of any concern to me. For the period when I am NOT indifferent then... I think it is more common than you think, for women to not want their ex to go on to find some model straight away.
Leigh 87 Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 ..... your seriously not telling me that, if you were crazy in love with a guy and he left you for ANGELINA JOLIE.... ...That you would be no more upset than if it were some women that was not attractive? It all plain hurts of course, but it rubs the wound in deeper if they leave for someone super beautiful, and when your still in the mourning period.
metal_chick Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Looks mean squat. I would be more concerned if she was a nicer person, with a stellar personality and had her head together. Looks fade. A good personality is forever.
metal_chick Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 ..... your seriously not telling me that, if you were crazy in love with a guy and he left you for ANGELINA JOLIE.... ...That you would be no more upset than if it were some women that was not attractive? It all plain hurts of course, but it rubs the wound in deeper if they leave for someone super beautiful, and when your still in the mourning period. No. If a bloke left me for someone better looking, I would not care. It's pretty hard to change the way you look if you're already looking after yourself. If he wanted someone skinnier, I'm not going to get any thinner without starving myself. Therefore, there is no point worrying about what I can't change. If he left me because I was drama-fuelled and didn't have my s--t together for someone who did, then I'd be mad. Because being a better person on the inside can always be improved on. 1
Emilia Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 ..... your seriously not telling me that, if you were crazy in love with a guy and he left you for ANGELINA JOLIE.... ...That you would be no more upset than if it were some women that was not attractive? It all plain hurts of course, but it rubs the wound in deeper if they leave for someone super beautiful, and when your still in the mourning period. Of course it wouldn't matter what she looked like I guess I view myself as more than just blonde hair and a pair of tits 1
Leigh 87 Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Looks mean squat. I would be more concerned if she was a nicer person, with a stellar personality and had her head together. Looks fade. A good personality is forever. Of course. It just makes it a little worse if they leave for some goddess look alike. You know, like adding a little insult to injury. I would just be more upset if they were super good looking. It would make me feel that he would have a much stronger capacity to love a women who was so beautiful (providing she had a stellar personality to match). Then again, I also believe that the capacity to LOVE is there regardless of looks; he could fall head over heals for a plain Jane OR a super model. Love can either be realised or not, and it has nothing to do with looks. I mean, when I think about it, my model friend has been cheated on and lied to. I guess the "leaving me for Angelina Jolie OMG" thing is just an extra kick, rather than being as terrible as I made it sound initially. It is ironic I feel that way, seeing as my kindness and generosity are the things he said he fell most in love with
Leigh 87 Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Of course it wouldn't matter what she looked like I guess I view myself as more than just blonde hair and a pair of tits LOL. For some reason I think that Angelina, who as you have guessed is the most beautiful women in the world to me (both inside, for her charity work, and her good looks) I imagine a guy looking into HER eyes and having a greater capacity for being in love, since she is very pleasing to look at? Although at he same time I realise the love has to BE there irrespective of looks. Love will not necessarily be there even for HER lol. Once a guy is in love though, I always have a complex that being ridiculously good looking would enhance it? Tell me I am wrong. I wan to me wrong!
metal_chick Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Angelina Jolie the most beautiful? I disagree. Mila Kunis. She is smoking hot. And funny. Total girl-crush on her. 2
Emilia Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 LOL. For some reason I think that Angelina, who as you have guessed is the most beautiful women in the world to me (both inside, for her charity work, and her good looks) I imagine a guy looking into HER eyes and having a greater capacity for being in love, since she is very pleasing to look at? Although at he same time I realise the love has to BE there irrespective of looks. Love will not necessarily be there even for HER lol. Once a guy is in love though, I always have a complex that being ridiculously good looking would enhance it? Tell me I am wrong. I wan to me wrong! I think Anniston got dumped for being boring. I think her looks would have been probably enough for Pitt because he married her when he was old enough to know with lots of dating experience under his belt. He met someone who wanted to do much more than walk the red carpet and stay at expensive hotels. Anniston is boring, Jolie is exciting.
Leigh 87 Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Angelina looks beautiful with or without any make up. I am really attracted to her when I see her doing charity work, it enhances her looks. I am sure she can be selfish too and has bad things about her too. Jenifer sounds like a funny and interesting enough women? I mean, you can't tell that much about a person based on their looks and demeanour in interviews can you? For all we know Angelina could be boring in bed and Jen was a total freak. Mila Kunis is awesome, also because she is smart and talented and not just some pretty actress. See what I mean? The women I think are the best looking have personalities, smarts, or kindness that really enhance their appearance. I am not a fan of Jens looks although she has a great body, especially for her age! And is average looking to me albeit with NICE HAIR!
Leigh 87 Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 And come on, Jen obviously got dumped because Brad fell in love with another women, and his love for Jen did not compel him enough to ignore his feelings for the new women. I think her situation would have to have been one of the worst! I mean, a break up is painful enough when the dude leaves you yet still loves and adores you (with the relationship just not being a goof fit) It would be way worse to know they cheated or left for someone else. The " what they do is of no concern to you" sets in and will for me soon after enough NC, but I would RATHER NOT KNOW they are with other people early on, or worse; have had them leave me in the first place for another person. I much prefer being ignorant about what he is doing and assuming the worst and accepting whatever, opposed to KNOWING for a fact that hey have found someone new.
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