J_L_C Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 We have all experienced a difficult time moving on from our exes ESPECIALLY if we are the dumpee. Here is my question: Would you want to know if your ex is seeing someone new or would you rather be in the dark about it? Most people on here have not agreed with my thinking along the way, but in the back of my head, I still hold out hope even though I've clearly been told I shouldn't want this guy nor will he realistically be coming back to me. But here's my rationale: Despite it all, I will always wonder about what a second chance COULD bring. I'm not ACTIVELY waiting, but of course I think about it frequently. If he IS seeing someone, part of me WOULD want to know so at least my mind could process that IF he ever came back, it wouldn't happen for at least awhile or if ever (should this person be "the one" for him). It would help me to move along more easily to some degree, but on the other hand I would be SO UPSET that he is sharing his love with someone else. On the flip side, if I found out he is still single, I would constantly hope day in and day out that I will hear from him. Each day would be frustrating when I just don't ever end up hearing from him. So...would you want to know?
metal_chick Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 We have all experienced a difficult time moving on from our exes ESPECIALLY if we are the dumpee. Here is my question: Would you want to know if your ex is seeing someone new or would you rather be in the dark about it? Most people on here have not agreed with my thinking along the way, but in the back of my head, I still hold out hope even though I've clearly been told I shouldn't want this guy nor will he realistically be coming back to me. But here's my rationale: Despite it all, I will always wonder about what a second chance COULD bring. I'm not ACTIVELY waiting, but of course I think about it frequently. If he IS seeing someone, part of me WOULD want to know so at least my mind could process that IF he ever came back, it wouldn't happen for at least awhile or if ever (should this person be "the one" for him). It would help me to move along more easily to some degree, but on the other hand I would be SO UPSET that he is sharing his love with someone else. On the flip side, if I found out he is still single, I would constantly hope day in and day out that I will hear from him. Each day would be frustrating when I just don't ever end up hearing from him. So...would you want to know? This pattern of thinking holds you back. If a second chance is coming your way, it will happen even with you moving on and killing the idea of hope. Because if someone wants you, they will find you. They will say the right thing. They will do their damndest to make it happen. Stop torturing yourself. You thinking about this, and writing about it, IS actively waiting for it. This guy broke up with you, and as you sobbed, jerked off to your pain. Even if you're waiting for a chance to him to come back so that you can tell him to sod off, don't. It's just as damaging as imagining that they'll declare their love and come back. I'm going to say to you what I said to Leigh 87. Your ex is a giant rock tied to your waist, dragging you under the waves. You have 2 choices. Only 2. There are no "what-ifs". There are no multiple scenarios. There is cut the rope, or drown. That's it. Cut the rope, JLC. Don't drown over this complete pr1ck. There is not a single redeeming quality about him. Let it go. Now. 3
shawngee Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 For me, absolutely not. I thought about it helping with closure for a while, but realized that was not going to do anything but cause me to act out.
Author J_L_C Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 This pattern of thinking holds you back. If a second chance is coming your way, it will happen even with you moving on and killing the idea of hope. Because if someone wants you, they will find you. They will say the right thing. They will do their damndest to make it happen. Stop torturing yourself. You thinking about this, and writing about it, IS actively waiting for it. This guy broke up with you, and as you sobbed, jerked off to your pain. Even if you're waiting for a chance to him to come back so that you can tell him to sod off, don't. It's just as damaging as imagining that they'll declare their love and come back. I'm going to say to you what I said to Leigh 87. Your ex is a giant rock tied to your waist, dragging you under the waves. You have 2 choices. Only 2. There are no "what-ifs". There are no multiple scenarios. There is cut the rope, or drown. That's it. Cut the rope, JLC. Don't drown over this complete pr1ck. There is not a single redeeming quality about him. Let it go. Now. You're "2 choices" give quite a message when reading them. I don't want to drown. I want to cut the rope. I just feel like it's sometimes out of my control and no matter how much I try to cut that rope, the rock is too heavy and its pulling me down faster and faster than I can handle. I have to keep reminding myself of the horrible things he did after the split and not the wonderful things while we were together. It's just hard because the negative behavior was so short lived seeing as it happened upon breakup... I see what you're saying though about the fact that whether a second chance comes or not, knowing or not won't make a difference. I'm just too damn curious for my own good at times!!!
metal_chick Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 You're "2 choices" give quite a message when reading them. I don't want to drown. I want to cut the rope. I just feel like it's sometimes out of my control and no matter how much I try to cut that rope, the rock is too heavy and its pulling me down faster and faster than I can handle. I have to keep reminding myself of the horrible things he did after the split and not the wonderful things while we were together. It's just hard because the negative behavior was so short lived seeing as it happened upon breakup... I see what you're saying though about the fact that whether a second chance comes or not, knowing or not won't make a difference. I'm just too damn curious for my own good at times!!! Oh, honey. That is the ONLY thing in your control. 1
Author J_L_C Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 Oh, honey. That is the ONLY thing in your control. I want to let go! I really, really do!!! How though?! How do I stop obsessing over it non-eff'ing stop?! 1
BustedUpInside Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 We have all experienced a difficult time moving on from our exes ESPECIALLY if we are the dumpee. Here is my question: Would you want to know if your ex is seeing someone new or would you rather be in the dark about it? Most people on here have not agreed with my thinking along the way, but in the back of my head, I still hold out hope even though I've clearly been told I shouldn't want this guy nor will he realistically be coming back to me. But here's my rationale: Despite it all, I will always wonder about what a second chance COULD bring. I'm not ACTIVELY waiting, but of course I think about it frequently. If he IS seeing someone, part of me WOULD want to know so at least my mind could process that IF he ever came back, it wouldn't happen for at least awhile or if ever (should this person be "the one" for him). It would help me to move along more easily to some degree, but on the other hand I would be SO UPSET that he is sharing his love with someone else. On the flip side, if I found out he is still single, I would constantly hope day in and day out that I will hear from him. Each day would be frustrating when I just don't ever end up hearing from him. So...would you want to know? Oh man, it is so hard to give up this way of thinking, isn't it. I know that for me it was really difficult to imagine that even though my ex broke up with me that he wouldn't want me back at some point. I mean, he isn't dating anyone else and I don't imagine that he will for a long time, so why wouldn't he realize how much he misses me and eventually find his way back and we could ride off on a unicorn into the sunset. I really feel for you, because wanting something so bad that you would disregard reality is painful. Despite what everyone is telling you, you still keep up the hope that what you are wishing for will happen. It is holding you back though. You can never fully get over the breakup and move into a new relationship if you refuse to give up the old one. You don't know me, but I do have some advice for this situation. What helped me really get over wanting my ex to come back was to completely change my way of thinking. I finally came to the conclusion that it didn't matter if my ex was dating or not. It does not matter if he never dates again or if he suddenly sleeps with a thousand women in a row. The net result is the exact same. My ex doesn't want ME anymore. It doesn't matter if he wants or doesn't want anyone else because he won't ever want me again. Unfortunately, your ex feels the same way. I know it is like a gut punch to think about that, but you really have to face the truth. He is never coming back and whether he is single or dating somebody does not change his feelings regarding your relationship. I am so sorry that you won't be getting what you want, but if you let this go, you really will have the opportunity to find something better. A relationship that you don't have to question and can be built on mutual affection. I hope you are able to get past this and move on sometime in the future. Good luck! 6
ConfusedT Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 A lot of people hold out hope for quite a while, whether they want to admit it or not! Honestly, I think it depends on the person. Sometimes, realizing they are with someone else may make it easier for that person to move on to. (closure, no longer possible) Other times, it may send them in a downward emotional spiral (this would likely be my case if this happened) and make it even harder for them to accept reality. I would HOPE that if you did spiral down, that you were able to pick yourself back up after realizing that it just isnt meant to be at this time and if it is ever meant to be, it will be. Cant stop fate ladies and gents, cannot stop fate! 2
Simon Phoenix Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Simple answer, no. Wouldn't want to know until I didn't care what the answer was. And then, I wouldn't want to know because I have better things to think about. As for your "How do I stop?" question, you just have to be committed to doing it. And I don't think you are. If your ex killed someone in cold blood you'd find a way to spin it. 3
metal_chick Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I want to let go! I really, really do!!! How though?! How do I stop obsessing over it non-eff'ing stop?! I told you. Fill your time. Get a new hobby (preferably one with other people) Despite the fact that you might like alone time, it's clearly not working for you. You're comfortable with the obsessing. We're not talking a couple of months, are we, it's been longer, yes? You need to be out with people. Even if you only go out for an hour, have one drink, and then go home, it's one hour you will spend in forced interaction where you cannot talk about your douchebag ex. Join a book club. That way, you have homework (read the book) and then a discussion with like-minded people that again, you can't discuss your ex with. The counselor was right. If you don't know what you want to do, try everything! Join a class, take up a musical instrument, take up rock climbing, a team sport, pub trivia, anything! You're stuck in a cycle that only you can break. You've been given the advice over and over again. I am not talking out of my a**. I've BEEN you. Get it together. Cut the rope. 1
siankat Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I want to let go! I really, really do!!! How though?! How do I stop obsessing over it non-eff'ing stop?! By calling him up....seriously, you are imagining bigger and bigger monsters in the shadows. You might feel better if you just call him and let pan out what will. It seems you refuse to accept your current situation so maybe contact at this point would in fact be the catalyst to your recovery. By the way, do you have a job? My guess is that you have a lot of time idle
Author J_L_C Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 Simple answer, no. Wouldn't want to know until I didn't care what the answer was. And then, I wouldn't want to know because I have better things to think about. As for your "How do I stop?" question, you just have to be committed to doing it. And I don't think you are. If your ex killed someone in cold blood you'd find a way to spin it. Hey, that's not a nice thing to say (that last part)...I get your point though. Anyway I DO want to stop and be committed to doing this. It's really really hard to turn off those intrusive thoughts though and to hose down the intense feelings. I get the whole keeping busy piece, but how do I go about the automatic type stuff that isn't so easy to get rid of?
Author J_L_C Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 By calling him up....seriously, you are imagining bigger and bigger monsters in the shadows. You might feel better if you just call him and let pan out what will. It seems you refuse to accept your current situation so maybe contact at this point would in fact be the catalyst to your recovery. By the way, do you have a job? My guess is that you have a lot of time idle I do have a full-time job. I'm a teacher. But in my off time I am alone. Calling him up? Seriously? He didn't even respond to the las email I sent where I simply called a truce if sorts. I doubt he'd even answer my call and I wouldn't know what to say to him. I haven't spoken to him in 2 months and don't think I could handle getting a riled up again. He makes me feel worse after talking to him.
ConfusedT Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Don't call him. You will seriously regret it!! It wont help at all, it will just slow down your healing in my opinion!! If he didnt respond to your last email, he probably wont respond to this either and if he does, breadcrumbs for you to eat right up! Trust me, we all know too well what these breadcrumbs taste like. SOOO delicious at first, but then they make your stomach hurt- (that dear old heartache pain)!! Find a hobby or maybe speed dating or online dating just to go on some dates and get your mind off things. Nothing serious until you fix why youre still obsessing over him.. Good Luck youll be fine!! 1
metal_chick Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 JLC, how big is the city you live in? Get on meetup.com. Start looking for some groups in your area or nearby, that you can join so you are not alone in the evenings. Did you have friends before your relationship?
Simon Phoenix Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Hey, that's not a nice thing to say (that last part)...I get your point though. Anyway I DO want to stop and be committed to doing this. It's really really hard to turn off those intrusive thoughts though and to hose down the intense feelings. I get the whole keeping busy piece, but how do I go about the automatic type stuff that isn't so easy to get rid of? I'm not looking to be nice, I'm looking to make a point. And you just have to commit to doing it. When the thoughts come up, say to yourself "Nope, not doing it" and do whatever you can to not think about it. You just give up at the drop of a hat. You have to be tough, because what you are going through is tough -- though you make it a heck of a lot tougher than it needs to be. And develop some boundaries. Another issue you seem to have is that you have no point-of-no-return line. What your ex did is probably the worst thing I've seen on here barring physical abuse. And it's in the ballpark of that. You should probably figure out why you not only tolerate that type of behavior, but try to spin it like you are a battered wife. Concentrating solely on you would help a ton. Figure out what your boundaries are and try to enact them. 1
Suave Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I put the pieces together on my own that my ex had been "moving on" for the better part of three months before she dumped me. 2
BigTuna Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I put the pieces together on my own that my ex had been "moving on" for the better part of three months before she dumped me. Yeah I was in that boat. Must say when the 'dumping' came I was pretty well prepared for it, emotionally. And just to echo what metal_chick said, it's not particularly healthy to live with your own thoughts evening after evening. Don't get me wrong, nothing wrong with chilling by yourself but at least 2 or 3 nights a week, to put yourself out there will do the world of good.
Leigh 87 Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Even thinking about a second chance IS actively thinking about it. Any time you spend writing about it or thinking about it IS actively willing it to happen. I can see you're reaching out for help though, by posting here..... you obviously want to just be able to move on and find someone else to love one day. So first of all, you have to literally NOT even think about a second chance. .... learn to push it out of your mind. For instance, if I ever think about what a second chance would be like, this is what I'll do: I'll repeat this to myself: ' I am going to move on and find love again with someone else. I'll be just as happy possibly more so, with the next person.' ' what he thinks is no longer any concern of mine' I honestly believe that if you tell yourself that every time your ex pops into your thoughts, that you will start to believe it. And HELL NO will I EVER be ready to hear that my ex is with a new girl. Gross. STRICTNo Contact is going to HAVE to be my, and also your, best friend. You would be moving on much quicker and with FAR less pain if you had not know that your ex had moved on 2 months after you. ...... I sure as heck don't want to make the mistake you did: thanks for reiterating how detrimental it would be if I ever get in contact with my ex again. I want to be well on my way to indifference by two months of No Contract. I can tell ya' that a mate of mine is not indifferent to her ex... months after he rejected her. She is not No Contact. .
aisuru Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I haven't read the entire thread, but I would want to know. It would kill false hope from me and is much better than not knowing. Much, much better.
Suave Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Knowing and then simply forgetting is the way to go. I am aware that she is with someone else. Does it bother me? I'd be a liar if I said it didn't. But I'm with someone else too, which does help quite a bit. If we have any sort of a future together (whether as friends or lovers) somewhere down the line, it's going to be after the high of being single has worn off. Otherwise, it's just too much to bear. 2
BLo7687 Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I would rather know. I wouldn't want to wonder, what if's, false hope, etc. It's a reality check for me.
Leigh 87 Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I don't ever want to know. Until I find love again and I'm madly in love, I cannot handle knowing if he's dating. ... even if he wasn't yet serious about them. I am very averse to knowing that a person who I was so involved with has taken my old place in his life. I cannot see how it could possibly help..... In saying that, I want to get to tge stage where I'm indifferent and don't get too upset about it. I want to be ready before I know... and frankly, by the time I stop having a bad reaction to the notion of him with ______ , I won't CARE enough to even have an interest in his life and dating situation.
metal_chick Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I don't ever want to know. Until I find love again and I'm madly in love, I cannot handle knowing if he's dating. ... even if he wasn't yet serious about them. I am very averse to knowing that a person who I was so involved with has taken my old place in his life. I cannot see how it could possibly help..... In saying that, I want to get to tge stage where I'm indifferent and don't get too upset about it. I want to be ready before I know... and frankly, by the time I stop having a bad reaction to the notion of him with ______ , I won't CARE enough to even have an interest in his life and dating situation. That seems unhealthy. I'm not madly in love right now and I'm not bummed that previous exes have found it. I don't really care. For example, by your own testament, you are choosy and are not rushing into a relationship. Say life gets in the way and you don't meet someone for a few years. A few years! Will you really still be hung up on Andrew to the point that him perhaps meeting someone and falling in love? Is being indifferent to your ex really so contingent on replacing them first? Because that'a an awful lot of pressure to put on the next love, when you could just work on not caring on your own... I'm sure you don't see it, but a few posters have mentioned that you're in love with the idea of love. That's not a healthy attitude. You seem to put an awful lot of your moving on from Andrew onto the responsibilites of someone else to fulfill you. That can be a disastrous situation... 1
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