Hopeless80 Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 First of all, I'm not looking to be made fun of or ridculed so if you're going to reply with such a comment, please don't waste your time. I'm honestly looking for some good advice if you have any. How do you get over a crush that you have no chance of getting with? I’ve had a crush on a guy for the past few years now. YES, YEARS! I won’t go into detail, but there’s no way to not see him due to our schedules. This guy is older than me, old enough to be my father actually, and he is also married. Knowing that he’s married is more than enough for me to know I can’t act on my feelings so I’m not. I’ve actually met his wife and she’s a doll. As much as I don’t want to like her, I can’t not like her she’s so kind. When I see him, we have a friendly relationship. We’ll talk and joke and everything, but aside from that nothing happens. Anyway, I can’t get him out of my head and it’s literally driving me insane! As I said, I can’t not see him so that’s out of the question. I've liked other guys in between, but it always comes back to him in the end. I’ve tried telling myself that our personalities wouldn’t mesh well even if he was available. He’s a partier, I’m not. I’ve tried to tell myself that our age difference wouldn’t be a good mix (I’d be in my 50’s and he’d be in his 70’s), but that’s not helping either. He’s a damn good looking guy, he has an amazing sense of humor and personality, he's always been nothing but kind and respectful to me, and his body type is exactly what I prefer. Basically, he’s my dream guy that I have to let go of, but I don’t know how. What would you recommend I do to get over him? One other thing. I know that the age difference in this situation is huge and probably sick and twisted for some of you. I do have a thought that since I was not close to my father growing up, maybe I'm seeking this guy out to be more of a father figure? Do you think that's possible? If that's what it is, why would I have romantic feelings for a "father figure"?
BustedUpInside Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I am going to make some assumptions here. I am in no way an expert in this area but I do have some personal experience with these issues and I also have seen a lot of friends go through this too. I am thinking that you might have some emotional issues with your father. By having these issues, you would naturally be attracted to a certain type of man. An older man, who is obviously a stable provider, and is able to be in a long term committed relationship. Father issues always translate into a fear of abandonment or rejection. How does your subconscious block this so your psyche won't be damaged? You become attracted to someone that you have absolutely no chance of ever being in a relationship with. If you can't ever have them, then you can't ever be rejected. The fantasy of the relationship will always be better than the reality, because in the real world you might get your heart broken, you might say and do things you regret. In your imagination everything will always be perfect. So, what I really think is that you don't actually like the guy that you think you like. You like the idealized version that you have created in your head. He can't be perfect and by acknowledging some of his faults you might be able to break the crush a little bit. Also, by noting how the relationship with your father may be coloring some of your attitudes towards your crush you can see how dysfunctional it actually is to be attracted to the man at work. I hope this helps at least a little bit. I know how hard it is to give up on the daydream of the perfect man, but if you do, you have a much better chance of meeting a real man who can be in a real life relationship with you and that will make you so much happier than pining for the guy you have invented. 2
Teknoe Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I recommend to get over him is to find someone else to like... preferably single. The age thing is up to you, but a married man is a no no. I actually have a big crush on a friend that has a boyfriend (relationship seems to be OK at best) so I can't say I'm exactly "clean" either... but there is a big difference IMO between someone who is married and someone who is in a meh relationship. Anyway, good luck. Crushes/infatuations are tough. They keep life interesting, but there's more fantasy than reality most of the time. 1
Author Hopeless80 Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 BustedUpInside - Thanks and I think you're probably right. The majority of crushes that I've had have all been unavailable. Either they're in a relationship and in a relationship with kids. I think my relationship with my father is a huge factor in all of it. I used to be a daddy's girl when I was very young, but once I started to understand things we butted heads more than anything. Teknoe - I've had multiple crushes, but for some reason they always seem to fizzle out pretty quickly and I'm back to square one with this guy.
LoverOfDance Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 There're ppl who are in worse situations, trust me. For 2 yrs now I've been battling my feelings 4 a man in a 12 yr long relationship. They're not as strong as they use to be bcoz I'm beginning to realize that we may not be good 4 eachother - I'm never happy when he's around me. I don't know why but when he's around I feel a lot of sadness inside of me. I have 2 talk 2 friends and keep a little distance to avoid the negative energy. I think it's because I know he won't be around 4 long bcoz when he leaves, I feel even more empty and sad because I know he's going back home with the one he loves. When I'm not around him, I'm happy, hopeful and just....ok. Life is not always fair to everyone but always know that everything will be ok. I wld advice u to find a way to keep ur distance from him. Do whatever it takes to be away from him and I promise u everything will be fine. Always remember that u deserve to be happy and one day u'll find someone who'll love u just as much as u love him. 1
Col1 Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 How do you get over a crush that you have no chance of getting with? I’ve had a crush on a guy for the past few years now. YES, YEARS! In your mind, this man was an actual romantic relationship. To some people, a crush can be deeply emotional. To get over it, you could... 1. Cut-off all communication and seeing each other in-person. 2. Take time to heal your emotions before trying to date. This could take a long time. This way, you won't be directly comparing every new man to this crush. No one can measure up. You'd be setting yourself (and other guys) for failure. Take time for yourself. 3. If the quality of your life is affected significantly, then consider discussing your feelings with a counselor. I wish you the best in life. Colin. 1
Author Hopeless80 Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 In your mind, this man was an actual romantic relationship. To some people, a crush can be deeply emotional. To get over it, you could... 1. Cut-off all communication and seeing each other in-person. 2. Take time to heal your emotions before trying to date. This could take a long time. This way, you won't be directly comparing every new man to this crush. No one can measure up. You'd be setting yourself (and other guys) for failure. Take time for yourself. 3. If the quality of your life is affected significantly, then consider discussing your feelings with a counselor. I wish you the best in life. Colin. I'm definitely starting to get the feeling that nobody will ever measure up to him. I've had some bad/strong crushes in the past, but something is VERY different with this one. I really don't know what it is. He's just amazing and pretty near perfect in my eyes. Let's say I am able to find a way to cut off contact. He's been a pretty good friend to me, won't he want to know why I've stopped talking to him all of a sudden? I'm not sure how to cope with that either. I'm sure he'll, or someone else, will start questioning me on what's wrong. I can't tell him the truth. There're ppl who are in worse situations, trust me. For 2 yrs now I've been battling my feelings 4 a man in a 12 yr long relationship. They're not as strong as they use to be bcoz I'm beginning to realize that we may not be good 4 eachother - I'm never happy when he's around me. I don't know why but when he's around I feel a lot of sadness inside of me. I have 2 talk 2 friends and keep a little distance to avoid the negative energy. I think it's because I know he won't be around 4 long bcoz when he leaves, I feel even more empty and sad because I know he's going back home with the one he loves. When I'm not around him, I'm happy, hopeful and just....ok. Life is not always fair to everyone but always know that everything will be ok. I wld advice u to find a way to keep ur distance from him. Do whatever it takes to be away from him and I promise u everything will be fine. Always remember that u deserve to be happy and one day u'll find someone who'll love u just as much as u love him. When I see him and talk to him I am in pure heaven! Probably the happiest I ever get! Later on in the day when he's gone I'll start replaying the conversation and that's when I start to feel kind of down. With him, I know deep down we wouldn't be a good couple. With our age difference and and different lifestyles, I just don't think it would mix. Still, I can't help but like him.
todreaminblue Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I'm definitely starting to get the feeling that nobody will ever measure up to him. I've had some bad/strong crushes in the past, but something is VERY different with this one. I really don't know what it is. He's just amazing and pretty near perfect in my eyes. Let's say I am able to find a way to cut off contact. He's been a pretty good friend to me, won't he want to know why I've stopped talking to him all of a sudden? I'm not sure how to cope with that either. I'm sure he'll, or someone else, will start questioning me on what's wrong. I can't tell him the truth. When I see him and talk to him I am in pure heaven! Probably the happiest I ever get! Later on in the day when he's gone I'll start replaying the conversation and that's when I start to feel kind of down. With him, I know deep down we wouldn't be a good couple. With our age difference and and different lifestyles, I just don't think it would mix. Still, I can't help but like him. I actually think dating others would help and limiting contact with the guy who you are crushing on.......I do believe that you can talk yourself out of it just as you can talk yourself in by replaying conversations........replay the fact, it wont work ........the reasons why it would never work... I have a crush on a guy,a mirror to yours though ...he is much younger than I am......a real sweetheart, genuine, compassionate a dream guy for me.......but......he isnt for me.......he will be for some other lucky woman......I know that....i cant have everything I desire...even though the desire is strong...doesn't make it right.........he has also been nothing but nice to me but he is nice to everyone.......and i recognise my feelings for him........ I am controlling them by not letting them hopefully be known......I have liked him for a very long time.....and i would hope he sees me as a friend......and that is all i know it can be......I hope he finds happiness and someone who loves him......it would make me sad if he couldnt........it is possible to have feelings for someone and to move on in life.......people do it every day...not act on things they feel...when it isnt right to do so.......causing someone pain or to feel uncomfortable are reasons not to act.....and to turn your thoughts somewhere else.......you cant always get what you want....is my motto....smilin atcha....here's the song from me to you.......hugs..deb
vanhalenfan Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 I am actually in an extremely similar situation. Older man (22 years older...I am 30 and he is 52), he's a crush that I cannot get over. Years long as well. I could have signed my name to this post! I am very interested in what others have to say. As for the older man aspect, I am very much attracted to older men - always have been. It has nothing to do with a "father figure" in my case. I was very close to my father when he was alive (he passed away 4 years ago, and I can assure you my attraction for older men goes before then!). I don't look at the older boyfriends I have had or older men I am interested in as a father figure. I know it could be true for some, but definitely not me. Just my 2 cents
Author Hopeless80 Posted May 29, 2013 Author Posted May 29, 2013 todreaminblue - What you're saying makes sense. I'll be completely honest in that I don't have a lot of dating experience, I have some, but probably not anywhere near what most of the people here have. I've yet to be able to successfully talk myself out of liking someone. I've tried time and time again, but it doesn't work. I know we can't always get what we want, but it really feels to me that I'll never get anything I want. That may sound like I'm throwing myself a pity party, but that's not it. It's just that for some stupid reason 99% of the guys I like are always taken. It's just so frustrating. vanhalenfan - Is your crush also married? If mine wasn't I'd have a much easier time with this whole situation I think. I'd actually be able to be more forward with him and perhaps even act on my feelings. Knowing he's married (to such a lovely lady) I just cannot and will not do anything that might cause an issue in their marriage. It wouldn't be fair to any of us.
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