Boyfriend broke up with me because of long distance

[queensgirl]

My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me 2 months ago because of long distance. I go to school in one city three hours away from home, where he and I live. Going away to school makes it very hard for him and myself. Yes, we would be happy every time I got the chance to go home or whenever he could visit me or on holidays, but it just isn't the same when you see your boyfriend/girlfriend every 3-4 weeks at a time.

I've known him for 8 years and he's been very important to me emotionally (as a lover and as a best friend) for many many years. He is the oldest friend I've known that I've kept in close contact with. I obviously still love him and care for him deeply as he cares for me even though we've broken up. He is a very sensitive person with a hardshell on the outside, and he is in his words, 'forcing' himself to get rid of the feelings he has for me because he can't undergo another 2 years of my undergrad dating me, while I'm away at university.

While he was dealing with our breakup, his friend (who goes to college with him) has been there for him emotionally and as a friend. He told me himself that he is beginning to like this girl. In a very messed up way, I'm glad he doesn't have to go through the pain and loneliness anymore with someone new to distract him and help him get over me. But in another selfish way, I am so hurt to know that he doesn't want to be with me anymore.

He is still attracted to me, and he still has feelings for me. But he is going to force them to go away, and I know eventually, knowing his hard on personality, he will only look at me as a friend. I am stuck. I know I have to move on from him, but I cannot. I still am SO in love with him. I can't forget about him and I can't stop believing in us. There is just something that seems so 'unfinished' between our relationship. It may be the fact that we both still have feelings for each other or that we both know we're attracted to each other or miss each other. I don't want to move on.

I still talk to him on a friendly note, every day. I know coincidentally as I talk to him, his new girl is helping him through his breakup, and he's slowly letting her into his romantic life. It kills me and I don't know what to do. Should I keep trying and keep fighting for what I believe is still in this relationship or should I let him go? We have both declared that 'if we were meant to be together, eventually we will find a way,' and I'm assuming this means even after some time/dating others that we BOTH can't forget about each other.

 

What should I do?

[subversive]

I think you should stop talking to him. It's only been two months, and you're hurting. The other thing that stands out to me is this other girl. You say you're happy he has someone, but to me, the fact that this other girl was there for him when he broke up with you is very suspect. For him to have moved on that quickly suggests to me that perhaps this new girl was part of the breakup, rather than just a support through it. I know that can't be a nice thing to hear, but I really think you should let this guy go completely so that you can heal and move forward.

[Carenth]

Hey queensgirl,

 

Sorry to hear about your situation. Unfortunately to me it seems like the LDR had become too hard for him, which I understand they are not exactly easy at times. For a lot of people they would be an automatic deal breaker.

 

This friend of his does not seem like a friend. More like someone who was waiting on the sidelines for him to become available (possibly seeding the idea of breaking up with you?). If he is seeing her as a romantic partner then I'm sorry to say he has probably seen her that way for some time, just not acted on it.

 

Basically the way I see it most LDR are doomed to failure if one party doesn't pony up and decide they are going to close to distance, especially if the separation is going to be for an extended period of time. So in your case you couldn't move because of study and I'm assuming he can't or wasn't willing to move to be closer to you.

 

As to the part about moving on, well this may seem blunt but. He decided he no longer wanted to be part of this relationship. There is no us anymore there is him and you. Unfortunately not all relationships end with closure that you want. You have to start accepting that you can't force a relationship to keep going when one party has decided to give up and that is what he has ultimately decided.

 

You won't be able to move past this until you start seriously limiting or cutting off contact with him altogether. It's not too be horrible to him but for yourself, besides he was the one who decided to end it so you really owe him nothing at this point. The main reason if you are honest you keep in contact on a daily basis is you are hoping he will change his mind, which is very unlikely at this point because he has found someone else he is interested in.

 

If anything it will just push him away faster because he knows you are there as a backup in case this new relationship fails. That is what he meant by the whole "if we were meant to be together, eventually we will find a way". Is basically thanks for been my number 2 in case number 1 doesn't work out. To be honest you need to focus on yourself and accept this relationship has ended. Once again not trying to be harsh, I understand it is very painful to realise these things so shortly after a break up, I've been there.

 

Will it be a possibility again in the future? Sure maybe but the question is will it be different next time? Will he break up with you again when he finds someone locally who is more accessible. What it really boils down to is, do you deserve better. For me that answer is yes.

[queensgirl]

I trust him with my life. He is very compassionate, and we were very in love. I know he isn't lying. I have asked him this already already knowing the answer, and he told me he did not look at her that way. I think she may have had feelings for him when we were dating though which is why she quickly moved in when he was vulnerable, which bothers me. But I'm not 100% sure, it's just instinct. I know he never had feelings for anyone else while he was with me.

[queensgirl]

Hey Carenth,

 

I really don't know at this point. I'm too hurt to think about him and this other girl. He is a VERY trustworthy and honest person, I trusted him and the relationship with my life and would never doubt him. He would never lie to me. I just don't know at this point. I realize him with another girl recently out of a 2 year relationship is suspicious, but I don't know what to believe.

 

I don't know how to not talk to him everyday. I want to keep holding onto what used to be, and what feelings we still have for eachother.

[Carenth]

I'm still finding it hard to believe that this friend who he suddenly has feelings for was not someone he was potentially interested in prior to the breakup. This seems to be very common with LDR couples who are both students who have to study at separate cities.

 

Eventually one will find someone else who lives locally and wonder why they bother with an LDR when they have someone near by.

 

Not saying it is right or fair but that it is just what seems to happen in a lot of cases. It's been two months and he has moved on, you have not.

 

How long are you going to wait around hoping he changes his mind?

[queensgirl]

I agree with you. I know what I have to do, I just can't bring myself to believe it. You are saying EVERYTHING I want to hear, everything I'm thinking... but WHY can't I seem to stop holding onto hope??

[Carenth]

Trusting him and reality are two different things.

 

Lets look at the facts.

 

1. He broke up with you, the relationship is over. Even if you do get back together some point in the future. The relationship you had is finished it will never be the same and most likely there will be trust issues especially with female friends of his.

 

2. He has found someone else, lets forget the questionable circumstances for the moment. The fact is he has found someone else. Whether he omitted that he had feelings for this person prior to the breakup to save face or your feelings is irrelevant to be honest. Even if he is being honest it is still irrelevant he has still found someone else.

 

You are afraid to break off contact because you feel he might forget you if you are not constantly reminding him you are there waiting, hoping. Which sadly may be the case. With my last ex she suddenly broke it off one day. I tried to reason with her for about a week then stop talking to her, we have never spoken again. That was about 3 and a half years ago.

 

Sometimes you just need to cut you losses and move on and I believe this is one of those cases. It's been 2 months he hasn't changed his mind the likelihood of him doing so is almost zero. Even if he did change his mind honestly deep down would you want him back after he put you through this?

Edited May 28, 2013 by Carenth

[queensgirl]

I know for a fact that me and him will always be friends, we've known each other for 8 years, kept in close contact for all of that time. We both deeply care about each other as friends and as something more. I agree, this current relationship IS over even if we do get back together sometime in the future. I do agree that it is irrelevant whether she was there before or not, she is there now.

 

Yes, I am afraid to break off contact because I'm scared he might 'forget' me. But I don't want to act like strangers with him even if it IS the best option!

[Carenth]

You also have to realise you can't just go from lovers to friends without giving it some distance and time to heal your own wounds. I mean yes you can but being in constant contact with him will just make it a much longer, drawn out and painful process.

 

You don't see him as a friend at the moment you still see him as your lover and are fighting for something that is no longer there (the relationship). There is nothing wrong with stepping away for a bit to focus on yourself and get your feelings in order.

 

If he is truly caring and understanding as you say, he will understand why you need to do this.

Edited May 28, 2013 by Carenth

[queensgirl]

I agree with you. I can't properly see him as a friend (even if i act and talk to him like one) if I still see him as my lover. I know there is nothing wrong with stepping away. He has always told me he will respect any decision I make and he will deal with it somehow. But I think a part of me (a part that I absolutely hate) doesn't want to remove him from my life because 1. I don't want him to forget me and 2. because the new girl is there and I don't want her to occupy his life.

 

I'm scared that once I remove contact, him and this girl will progress to something more serious and I will have to deal with it on my own, scared and even more hurt.

[subversive]

But I think a part of me (a part that I absolutely hate) doesn't want to remove him from my life because 1. I don't want him to forget me and 2. because the new girl is there and I don't want her to occupy his life.

 

There's nothing wrong with feeling that way. It's totally natural. Unfortunately, that doesn't change the fact that you won't be doing yourself any favors by keeping in contact with him right now. I feel for you. It's easier said than done.

[Carenth]

As I said earlier. Often after a breakup many of us (myself included) logically conclude that the best way to keep them close if to stay in constant contact. However this will just push him away he has someone else and now is reassured you are there (because of your constant contact )as his second choice if this relationship fails. He never has to fear that loss if you are constantly there.

 

Not saying this is some sort of trick to win him back, it's not. It's about you and who you should be focusing on is yourself. Not him and his new relationship, you will have to deal with these feelings sooner or later. It will likely not happen until you remove yourself from the situation and are able to look at it objectively and accept it for what it is.

 

I won't lie that will be a painful process but you need to feel that before you can move on. I have friends who did what your ex has done and jump from relationship to relationship to try and avoid having to work through the emotions of a breakup. They generally end up in a string of unsuccessful, unfulfilling, short lived relationships.

 

Because they never gave themselves the chance to step back feel the emotions and take stock of what they learned from the previous relationship and what to avoid in the future.

 

Now to the points you raised.

 

1. If he really cares about you as much as you say. He won't forget you.

2. This has already happened and is happening regardless of you being there or not.

[queensgirl]

thank you subversive,

 

I know there's nothing wrong with it and that it's totally natural. But it's what's holding me back from moving on. It's forcing me to learn the much, MUCH, harder way.

[Njeanne]

It is possible this girl had feelings for him and waited for him to become available. It is also possible that he had romantic feelings for her, because if you say 'I don't look at her that way' but then so soon after break-up starts a relationship with her then that is just a big lie. I wouldn't be surprised if he said "I'm in a ldr, as long as I got her then me and you can't become a item." Now that you are out of the picture, he can be with her.

 

From my conclusion, he broke up with you because he is curious after her and because he couldn't handle the distance anymore. If he loved you, he wouldn't jump in a new relationship soon, that is just a rebound. And those hardly go anywhere.

[Aicha]

how old are u both?

[queensgirl]

thank you everyone.

 

i have decided and told him that i won't be contacting him anymore. he says he respects my decision although he'd love to be best friends with me. now here comes the issue of actually moving on.

 

how do i stop thinking about him constantly? will it get easier everyday, even while he's with someone else now? how do i cope with jealousy issues???

[queensgirl]

Aicha, we are 20.