Tk123 Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 Hello there! I tried posting this in the "In Search Of" section and haven't received that much help. Some of you know my story and probably most of you don't. To keep it as short and sweet as I can, I have been in a Long-Distance Relationship for 6 months now. We've never met and she shows no desire to meet anytime soon. I can't force myself and keep lying to myself that I'm happy. I know she whores around online with other guys, and knowing her personality, it seems like she can't go any further with anyone past a "virtual" relationship. I am going to pull the plug on this relationship I think, as we're getting no where. So now that you all know where I'm coming from I'll continue with a little bit about myself. I'm a 20 year old college student currently majoring in Music. My schedule is quite intense during the school year, and it doesn't give me the time to join a social club such as a Fraternity. I am friendly with quite a few people in the Music program, but non to the extent that I'd hang out with. It seems like every portion of my life is in tact except the relationship or "lady friends" aspect of my life to say the least. I got a great and loving family that would do anything for me, I drive a sports car that not many college students are lucky enough to have, I finished on the Dean's list for both semesters of my first year in college, I've got a full time job for the Summer as a construction laborer, I am so grateful and humble for all of things and I'm so blessed. My main issue is that I've always lacked confidence which makes me seem awkward in some social situations. I wouldn't say I'm an unattractive guy but I'm by no means a model. I'm about 6'4 with brown hair and brown eyes and I don't feel that bad about my appearance. I've always been a quiet and shy sort of guy with a humble attitude. Summer is here and I don't want to waste my time in this virtual relationship anymore. Simply put, I want to meet more people; particularly women. I only really stay in touch with one girl from my high school days, however I really don't see myself getting into a relationship with her. We're really close friends and I don't want to ruin that. I don't know where to even begin with putting myself out there. Some might suggest going to a club or something but honestly, that ISN'T me. As I said previously, I'm a shy guy and lack confidence. I need something that will build up my self-esteem and make me more attractive around women. I hate to say this, but I've even bothered looking up hours upon hours of pick-up videos on Youtube. They really do nothing for me. I find myself clueless and it is really bothering me. So to sum it up, I'm looking to get the absolute most out of my summer. I want to meet new people and I want to have a good time. I want to forget about this girl who wasted 6 whole months of my life in a virtual relationship. She continued to lead me to believe that we were one day going to meet. During those 6 months, I basically didn't even give any thought to other people in real life, thinking she was the only one I needed. I didn't realize how big of a mistake that was until now. I'm in desperate and dire need of help. I want to turn my life around. I am tired of spending my weekends home on the computer playing stupid games and looking at these forums. As much as I love this place, I need to have fun in real life. I don't know where to begin and I am lost. I greatly appreciate any help or assistance I receive. Thanks again.
Cutiepie1976 Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 First "break up" with your virtual girlfriend. It wasn't the complete waste you think it was. View it as a learning experience. For starters, next time, you probably won't wait six months to meet. Play to your strengths this summer. That will differ for everyone. So you're shy and not into the bar scene. No worries. Maybe join a coed sports league if you like a particular sport. That gives you a chance to get to know others (including women) in a more friendly setting over weeks. Most sports leagues go out as a group after the game. Some sports leagues are close to 50:50 men to women...soccer, volleyball, softball for example. Another option, since you mention music, might be to take a dance class. You don't have to know to dance...that's the point of the class...to learn. Classes are almost all women. Just look at your interests, look at what might work with your personality. Take some chances and risks in exploring new and different things. It will happen. You'll meet someone. Don't put too much pressure on yourself, and you'll be fine.
apple OR orange Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 sounds like you have your head screwed on (didn't read it all, browse read it, its very long), however if you find it hard to talk with women in real life, your kinda done really. Women like guys who can at least talk with them, if you cant do that, your be shot down really, your chances are way higher if you think your way better than all other guys as well and if you really dont want to date her as you have a super busy social life. Some of the below are lines you need to spot that you failed on the above (some more commons ones): - never getting the call from them - them finding there friends and leaving you - them introducing you to there new boyfriend later the same night I hear the best way is to just keep getting shot down and having your heart ripped out over and over again until you get good at seeing when you loose, personally i dont like this idea, but it seems the consensus when you have no social skills at all. dont blame me for the above, just repeating what i learn from here. 1
pyramid Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 The sports league is a good idea. Volunteer. Go hiking on a popular trail and practice making conversation with strangers... hopefully some of them cute girls
Author Tk123 Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 First "break up" with your virtual girlfriend. It wasn't the complete waste you think it was. View it as a learning experience. For starters, next time, you probably won't wait six months to meet. Play to your strengths this summer. That will differ for everyone. So you're shy and not into the bar scene. No worries. Maybe join a coed sports league if you like a particular sport. That gives you a chance to get to know others (including women) in a more friendly setting over weeks. Most sports leagues go out as a group after the game. Some sports leagues are close to 50:50 men to women...soccer, volleyball, softball for example. Another option, since you mention music, might be to take a dance class. You don't have to know to dance...that's the point of the class...to learn. Classes are almost all women. Just look at your interests, look at what might work with your personality. Take some chances and risks in exploring new and different things. It will happen. You'll meet someone. Don't put too much pressure on yourself, and you'll be fine. Thanks for the response. I'm trying to not put too much pressure on myself, it's just hard especially after spending 6 months in this toxic long distance relationship. I definitely learned my lesson and I am positive I'll never do an online relationship again. It is just hard for me to think where to even begin after shutting out people in real life for 6 months, thinking she was all I needed. I obviously made a huge mistake and I know I'm going to miss her to pieces even after I end it. sounds like you have your head screwed on (didn't read it all, browse read it, its very long), however if you find it hard to talk with women in real life, your kinda done really. Women like guys who can at least talk with them, if you cant do that, your be shot down really, your chances are way higher if you think your way better than all other guys as well and if you really dont want to date her as you have a super busy social life. Some of the below are lines you need to spot that you failed on the above (some more commons ones): - never getting the call from them - them finding there friends and leaving you - them introducing you to there new boyfriend later the same night I hear the best way is to just keep getting shot down and having your heart ripped out over and over again until you get good at seeing when you loose, personally i dont like this idea, but it seems the consensus when you have no social skills at all. dont blame me for the above, just repeating what i learn from here. I can talk to girls for the most part. I am blessed to not be the most unattractive guy out there but I'm by no means a "hot" one either. I'm quiet and collective and some girls like that about me. It is just hard for me to put myself out there with my shy and laid back personaility. I can't "pretend" to be confident if you know what I mean. That's just not me. The sports league is a good idea. Volunteer. Go hiking on a popular trail and practice making conversation with strangers... hopefully some of them cute girls Thanks! One thing I'm really into are horse trails and those sorta things. I know a few horse stables in my nearby area. Maybe that would be a good way to meet people? What girl doesn't love a horse!
Cutiepie1976 Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 It is just hard for me to think where to even begin after shutting out people in real life for 6 months, thinking she was all I needed. I obviously made a huge mistake and I know I'm going to miss her to pieces even after I end it. Just start reaching out to old friends and invite them to join you for different activities. Plan something...maybe a small get together at your place this summer. I can talk to girls for the most part. I am blessed to not be the most unattractive guy out there but I'm by no means a "hot" one either. I'm quiet and collective and some girls like that about me. It is just hard for me to put myself out there with my shy and laid back personaility. I can't "pretend" to be confident if you know what I mean. That's just not me. Play to your strengths. Don't try to be someone you're not. That can come across as insincere and inauthentic. If you're shy, thoughtful, and laid-back, place yourself where those are strengths. Thanks! One thing I'm really into are horse trails and those sorta things. I know a few horse stables in my nearby area. Maybe that would be a good way to meet people? What girl doesn't love a horse! Sounds fun.
crederer Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I've never understood how someone can be in a relationship online only. Like, how do you know she's not a 75 year old dude? Not to mention everything else that goes with a relationship... Not trying to be harsh, i genuinely do not understand this at all. 1
sweetheart5381 Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 You know, I am close to 20 yrs older than you and yet, I have had the same problem. I'm an introvert who eventually learned how to disguise it. Have had a few relationships but nothing ever stuck or felt right. I tried OLD in a effort to meet new people... guess what, it sucked. I tried going to new places for the same reason but I just felt weird doing it, and it sucked. I got picked up lots by players in the meantime who hurt me (as a female), and it really, really sucked. I know it sounds corny, but you will meet your greatest connections when you never, ever expect it. They come to you in everyday life when you aren't looking at all. It's honestly really simple. Smile and make eye contact with everyone, wherever you are. Open yourself to the other person and genuinely make an effort to communicate with them on a less than mechanical level, everyday. If you smile and they smile back, you are half-way there If they don't reciprocate, don't dwell on it and move on. You don't have to do anything special, go anywhere special, just be yourself.
Necris Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 I hear the best way is to just keep getting shot down and having your heart ripped out over and over again until you get good at seeing when you loose, personally i dont like this idea, but it seems the consensus when you have no social skills at all. dont blame me for the above, just repeating what i learn from here. That never worked for me to learn from rejection you need to actually have something go right once and awhile, I don't really learn much from the pure rejection I get.
Adele0908 Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 How about just doing things that you enjoy this summer? If you want to build confidence, you have to do things you are afraid of. I can tell you that facing your fears is a very SURE way to build confidence. If you are afraid to go to a certain city, go there. If you're afraid to go canoeing, go. If you're afraid to talk to women you don't know, then talk to women you don't know. If you're afraid to go to a certain place, go to that place (while still keeping your safety in mind) Like Eleanor Rooosevelt said, "Do one thing that scares you everyday" So if that is chatting up hot women, then do it. Focus on having fun this summer. The happier and more fun you are, the more women will be attracted to you, and the more likely you are to meet women that fit your standards. 2
sweetheart5381 Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 Yep, I agree. But one step at a time for OP, otherwise it comes off as fake. One should not visit the glass floor of the CN tower to confront their "fear" of heights. Doing so will exacerbate "fear" and cause further traumatic feelings. Fear and discomfort are 2 very different things.. and should be treated as such. Fear comes from trauma, discomfort does not. Over time we learn to adapt to discomfort. Fear is completely different as it is involuntary.
sweetheart5381 Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 You'll do fine just get off the computer. I remember one time this woman who supposedly loved me. She ended up sending fake pics. A lot women send fake pics or they ended up being married. I remember one married woman trying to fall in love with a guy online but the guy turned on her. Forget online crap as dating goes. Forget using texting and facebook. You have plenty of good qualities in a man. Education, money, good grades and you are tall. I'm short and fat and still can get women at my age of 44. This one woman on the bus was checking me out and I was kind checking her out. I still have it at my age. It's all about confidence. You will do fine. I used to very shy and fear of social settings. Act confident if you're not confident. If you're not sure how to be confident, walk as you are confident, move around with body language as you're confident and breath the way a confident person would breath. Practice this daily and you will develop a new habit to be confident. Another way is get a sense of humour. Watch some stand up comedians and watch them make people laugh. Watch their posture and body language. This is how I learned to be confident and have a sense of humour. After that things are a lot easier. Trust me this will work with most women not all though noting is 100%. When you approach women don't do it to pick up women. Your goal is to make them laugh. Once you do that the rest comes naturally. Yes, I agree, wholeheartedly A man that makes me laugh (and vice-versa in my experience) is a man that I want to keep around. Humour is a way of bonding since it is based on values essentially. If 2 people can laugh about the same thing, it is because they have a similar value system, a baseline so to speak. Humour breaks the ice, eases tension... a good laugh goes a long way
Author Tk123 Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 You'll do fine just get off the computer. I remember one time this woman who supposedly loved me. She ended up sending fake pics. A lot women send fake pics or they ended up being married. I remember one married woman trying to fall in love with a guy online but the guy turned on her. Forget online crap as dating goes. Forget using texting and facebook. You have plenty of good qualities in a man. Education, money, good grades and you are tall. I'm short and fat and still can get women at my age of 44. This one woman on the bus was checking me out and I was kind checking her out. I still have it at my age. It's all about confidence. You will do fine. I used to very shy and fear of social settings. Act confident if you're not confident. If you're not sure how to be confident, walk as you are confident, move around with body language as you're confident and breath the way a confident person would breath. Practice this daily and you will develop a new habit to be confident. Another way is get a sense of humour. Watch some stand up comedians and watch them make people laugh. Watch their posture and body language. This is how I learned to be confident and have a sense of humour. After that things are a lot easier. Trust me this will work with most women not all though noting is 100%. When you approach women don't do it to pick up women. Your goal is to make them laugh. Once you do that the rest comes naturally. I want to get off the computer. It really hurts knowing that this online "girlfriend" is talking to other guys in Skype without me, and it hurts even more to know that she probably wouldn't even care if we split, because there are guys waiting in line for their turn with her. I know I got the qualities, I just need to know how to use them. I even got a nice tan going from working outside all day. I will try to be more confident. One big step since now is I always try to look people in the eyes and smile them as I pass. I guess this is a start, but still a long-shot from confidence. When I see a woman I'm not thinking about picking them up, however sometimes my shyness doesn't allow me to crack a joke or make her laugh. I really need to put my "A" game on. I want this summer to be special. I don't want to spend this summer like every other summer; on the computer for hours and not getting out there. Part of me really wants to get dressed up and go to an 18+ club. My worries are: A. I'd probably be going by myself, and I assume there will be groups of friends there that already know each other. B. I have no idea how to spark up a conversation with a random girl whom I've never met. C. I wouldn't know how to carry myself in a club setting due to the fact that I've never gone clubbing before.
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