Boyfriend disappeared for a week and then dumped me

[KarenMc]

I don't know what I'm looking for ...maybe someone that can help me understand how someone could treat a person they are supposed to love like this. Basically my boyfriend joined the military in 2012. Prior to that he Was unemployed for 2 of the 3 years we'd been together. Mostly by choice he was too lazy to drive his taxi. I paid the mortgage (my house), bills etc because I have a very good job. His lack of effort frustrated me but I always encouraged him, and any courses he wanted to do etc I gave him money for. I also never got any money from him even though he was living in my house the whole time. Anyway when he joined up we then had s LDR.

 

I thought ok I'll give it a go, at least he's doing something that he always wanted to do and give him a good life and career. While he was away I paid for all his stuff for training, flights home fir him, flight over to see him and hitels, money to buy stuff because he got paid hardly anything. I didn't mind because he seemed happy. Up until xmas everything was ok, he was clingy and overbearing and jealous but I just put it down to being locked away the whole time. After Xmas everything changed- he stated out drinking from Friday evening until Sunday night in his weekends off when he wasn't coming home, wouldn't answer his phone, no texts etc. but all the time I could see him messaging on Facebook.

 

On weekends when he was coming home he would be hammered when he got on the flight and would not come home and go drinking all night as soon as he got off the plane. Of course during the week then he'd be all apologies and because of the short time together I had to let it go because he'd be gone again the next day. I spent do much time crying and feeling angry that I couldn't think straight. Anyway he passed out and had 3 weeks of and we were supposed to go on holidays. In the night he got home we had a row because he was messaging on his phone and took it into the toilet with him, I said really calmly why would you take your phone into the bathroom? Can I see your phone please?

 

He went mad and stormed out, that was last Friday and I haven't seen him since and he won't answer His phone( 10 days ago). We were supposed to go on holiday to spain last Thursday but no contact, nothing at all. Yesterday he sent me a text just saying "we're finished" that's it... Nothing no explanation no discussion.

 

After 4 years and all the support I have given him (financially and emotionally) he dumped me by just disappearing the first time he has had any time off in 9 months when we could have been together and worked through the problems. I love him so much and I cannot figure his anybody could hurt someone they are supposed to love kind this

Edited June 3, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs added, use them please

[smorgenHeckengard]

It might not be what you want to hear, because you're hurting but you might have dodged a bullet there with this man. Obviously disapearing for a week and then ending things via txt shows his level of maturity or lack of. It's gonna suck right now, but one day you'll relieze that you are better than this.

 

Best of luck for you!

[KarenMc]

Thank you for replying Smorgen. I think I am just in shock at home after nearly 4 years and talking about the future and moving to be with him he can just leave - with nothing, no explanation. Especially as he was so clingy I couldn't miss a phone call or he'd lose it. Mad. How can anyone have so little respect or empathy? I feel so used, line he used me god money and support until he passed out and then literally just flung me on the floor once he was done

[smorgenHeckengard]

It sound's almost like he felt settled down in the relationship and didnt feel like he had to put much effort into it. When it started coming closer to having to face you and act like he was in a relationship he couldn't and flaked. Sounds like he just wanted the title but the not the actual relationship. I don't know if i'm expressing it right.

[TaraMaiden]

He was phukked up before he joined the military, and now that he's basically joined a testosterone-driven environment, even more so.

 

He's every bad thing a guy shouldn't be.

 

Really, you should count your blessings you haven't invested anything other than money in this guy.

No marriage, no kids - no hold? No problem!!

 

I know it's incredibly hard to do, and the thought of it must make you feel insane, but you have to shake him off for good and consider this a lesson learnt.

Ain't no guy gonna treat you like schytt, not never again!

Edited June 3, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Million.to.1]

I agree with the above posters. This is a blessing, and one you really need. You will be much better off with him gone from your life completely.

 

But more importantly, why would you allow someone to live rent free and laze around your house for 2 years?

I think you have some self esteem issues that need to be addressed and you should probably see someone about it. When i read your post, i couldn't believe that you didn't see this coming... It's almost like you yourself, prepped this loser man, to then act like a total ass towards you at the end by accepting crap behaviour from him for all this time. You say you were encouraging, but it sounds more like he just got an easy meal ticket and had a holiday for 3 years.

 

sorry, just being honest.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you for replying Smorgen. I think I am just in shock at home after nearly 4 years and talking about the future and moving to be with him he can just leave - with nothing, no explanation. Especially as he was so clingy I couldn't miss a phone call or he'd lose it. Mad. How can anyone have so little respect or empathy? I feel so used, line he used me god money and support until he passed out and then literally just flung me on the floor once he was done

 

I've seen this (and experienced this ). It's because you were investing in someone that wasn't investing in themselves OR the relationship.

 

Often these people grow to resent being "taken care of" and feel "guilty." Then they drop you like a hot rock when a better offer comes by.

 

See if a guy closely matches your bidding and effort in a relationship. Don't give excuses like "he's tired" "he doesn't get it" "I just have to show him" "maybe if I put in a little more, he'll really appreciate it."

 

Because then you will end up with a dynamic where they'll be:

 

1. Tired

2. Dumb (not "get it")

3. You have to show them everything if they even pay attention that long. They are already supposed to be an adult with a skill set.

4. They'll be expectant of what you put in and not appreciate it.

 

This goes for friendships too, not just relationships. See what they are willing to put in. If they stop putting in, back off a bit and see what happens. If they still aren't putting in, bring it up, talk about your examples. If they take some responsibility and CHANGE what's going on, then party on. If not, drop them. If they just pay lip service to it and not care, back right off and drop them. Just get out of user situations.

 

That's how he could leave so easily. He didn't put anything in, so he wasn't going to lose anything. You on the other hand lost your investment and time that you could have been spending with a guy who wasn't a lazy, burgeoning alcoholic.

 

Well, crap, I just described my marriage. Happy 8th Anniversary to me!

[dreamingoftigers]

I recopied this (I posted it in a different thread).

 

The girl in that thread really made a much more risky choice in mate then you did. However, the dynamic where she let this guy in the gates and then allowed for his behaviours is similar (I'm NOT judging, it might be worth a read if you find that any of it applies to you. And no, I didn't rip the idea off of the latest John Gray or Dr. Phil or whatever. It's mine. So if it sucks, I built that. )

 

OP,

 

It's great that you've decided to go NC with this guy and not visit him etc.

 

But seriously, you need to extend that into forever, or else holding out hope for this is just a "temporary punishment" to him and he'll play ball with it until you either cave out of lonliness or believing his motivations.

 

This isn't a new game with him and clearly plays women.

 

Leave it alone and start completely over.

Oh yeah, and lose the bat **** crazy "friend" too.

 

Somewhere along the line you learned to try to see "why" people do what they do and evaluate if it's "justified."

 

I used to do this when I was younger. Here's the thing: EVERYONE has a "why" and everyone has a justification based on the context of their life and history. Sure, these were the "only friends he's ever known" and "he grew up harshly." Now what? He gets a Golden Ticket to behave however he pleases? Or a pass into certain behaviours but not others?

 

You can't live a life justifying harmful behaviour. As sad as it is the people have had miserable lives and have learned poor skill sets, it is not your JOB to "help and educate" a man on "how not to be a criminal and screw your friends."

 

Each of us has a role in each other's life, each of those roles come with boundaries. Sort of like hiring someone for a job, except we hire each other. When you "hired" your boyfriend, the idea is that he ALREADY has the sense, maturity, stability and loyalty for the job. You screened put other applicants who didn't have the appropriate criteria and this is the candidate you chose.

 

Even if only ONE person is applying for the position, if you can see that they would run your business (life) into the ground, you don't expand HR to take them on and hire them. It's a POOR INVESTMENT.

 

So what did this guy have on his relational resume?

Recent conviction? On parole? (that's for starters)

 

Now do you hire him?

How do you treat yourself?

Are you a convict-to-work type of business? The type that keeps getting screwed over and over again? The type where office supplies and funds go out the door because you have a series of crooks take advantage of the employment program you offer? The type of places where you have to offer "how to act/behave in the workplace" classes? The type of place where you look on the outside in and know that only a narrow minority of the people inside those classes will even take part of the message and figure some part of it out?

 

Or are you a Fortune 500 Company with reasonable security, a screening process in place who looks at incomplete or bogus resumes and tosses them in the trash. The kind of place who would've written back to your boyfriend "sorry we have no position available for your skill set at this time. Please feel free to examine your options at the convict-to-work program."

 

What kind of company are you? And what kind of company do you want to keep?

 

Without a standard or a cut-off line, it opens the door to ALL KINDS of treatment from people who may have "good intentions" or be "nice guys" but simply don't have the credentials to match their act.

 

I know that a lot of posters are saying "well you got the bad boy and he was bad DUH" but I'm sure he was actually pretty nice TO YOU, for awhile.

Usually people come across pretty nice to people they want to date. You probably truly didn't see it coming. That he had "had it rough and was making changes and had a tough life."

 

But the thing is, a persons resume (when I say resume in this example I am using it as a figure of speech for "life & relationship history.") tells a lot about

them. It can show directionality.

 

If you are an employer of a Fortune 500 company and you see that someone has a criminal past, how long ago was it? What have they done for what length of time to move past it? I would say NO CLOSER THAN FIVE YEARS AT LEAST, depending on the offense. There are guys that do dumb things as late teens and I wouldn't go near that guy for AT LEAST ten years of SOLID, QUALITY life history and that's only if he did something dumb like shoplifting or stealing something. Assault? Forget it. Not because "he's a loser" but because every time that background check goes, ASSAULT pops up. That limits a lot of things in life. A lot of opportunity etc.

 

In my country, you can't even travel across the border anymore. Blah.

 

Hire someone with more mobility that you have a better chance of trusting.

A Fortune 500 company would rarely re-hire someone proven untrustworthy, and neither should you.

 

Sometimes, far down the line if an employee has DEVELOPED a problem after YEARS of solid, SOLID service the company may grant a leave of absence to deal with larger issues. (I.e. Give the person time off without pay to attend drug or alcohol treatment). But that is NOT THE NORM.

 

SCREEN BETTER AND DO NOT REHIRE.