I think I lost a friend, and someone I love deeply

[NikadVise]

I met him 3 years ago. We chatted the whole night in a bar and haven't heard from each other since. I move back to Europe last July, and find him through fb in september. We start hanging out often. Our relationship was never really defined. I mean, it was never purely platonic. One night we ran into each other and spent the entire night kissing. Didn't hear from each other for over a month. Then I contacted him and we saw each other frequently. There were several nights where he acted in a way that made me question if this is something more. Then a few months ago I reveal to him how I feel and he rejects me. Said he loves me like a sister, his heart is taken. I end up writing him a long letter about how he should have said something in the beginning instead of allowing me to think otherwise. 2 weeks later he sends me a message and we are at the same house party and he tries to speak with me all night. Little by little, we start speaking again, but haven't brought up what happened.

 

A month ago, we met up and he mentioned the letter I wrote to him, said he felt like he was put in a situation he didn't want to be in and that we were always friends. From then on, I haven't brought up how I feel about him. I decided to try and be his friend. I have not given him any indication that I want anything more, even though, I am deeply in love with him and I care about him. At the time, that is not something I wanted to lose.

 

Last Monday, he calls me (we haven't heard from one another for a week) and begs me to go out. I get to the bar and his friend is there. He kept repeating how much he missed me, that he loves me, I'm his best friend. I reply indifferently: It hasn't been that long. His friend leaves for a few minutes and we're left alone. I tell him I finished my applications for grad school, and since I applied to a school in the same city he wants to move to eventually, he suggests that we go together, live together. I was taken aback and didn't know what to say, so I just respond with a 'sure why not?'. Right afterwards, he says: but i just want you to know that we'd only be roommates. I'm in love with another girl. I look confused and call him delusional. He said, I'm saying this because I feel I have to, its more about you than about me. I don't want to hurt you. His friend comes back, and he mentions the letter again and leans in to kiss me, to 'show' me that friends kiss like that. I block him with my hands. 1/2 later he leans in again and says, I really want to hug you right now. Can I hug you, or kiss you on the nose, or put my head on your shoulder? I give him a firm NO. And he jerks back and is visibly hurt. He asks me If I'm in a bad mood, so I don't know if he's pretending to be oblivious or if he really is that obtuse. Finally I get up and leave and he begs me to stay. This past saturday he sends me a text in the evening asking me what I am up to, and I did not respond, and havent heard from him since.

 

The girl he is in love with, has nothing to do with me, I know that. But it is difficult to take him seriously. She lives in another country and was here for the past 2 summers for a film festival. When he rejected me that night, he made it sound like they were together. When we decided to be friends a month ago, he told me he went on a few dates with her and felt some energy, but they are not together. 2 weeks ago he tells me he's not in any serious relationship. Now he's telling me he's in love with this girl, who he met a few times, who he's not together with, has no idea whether he'll be with her, and is tenaciously holding on to this 'energy' he feels. But he expresses such adoration for me, and I just want to ask this foolish question: how can you only harbor platonic feelings for me?

 

This is what hurts most: I am not trying to change his mind, nor will I be able to understand his feelings. I am hurt, that he brought up the issue again. That is something you bring up when you feel like you have to, isn't it? I was slowly trying to transition into being his friend (even though in the long run this might not have worked) and was not chasing him. So why did he feel the need to bring up the issue-he made it sound like I gave him a reason to do so. Am I wrong to think that he was acting selfish and self-absorbed? If he felt like I harbored deeper feelings for him, why didn't he back off, like I was trying to do by not contacting him as frequently? Why did he beg me to come out, act as if he had not seen me for so long, and then reaffirm that we will only be friends? I feel like he was not considering my feelings, and was condescending. He repeated several times to his friend, 'isn't it great when you have a best friend', and then tried to kiss me to 'prove' that this is what friends do? It is a friendship that he is now trying to force and based on his own terms, to try to simplify things, to try to force me to think differently about him. He did the same thing that night he accused me of doing the night I revealed how I felt-to try and force something to happen.

 

I just don't think he has a right to express his love and adoration for me, if he knows how I feel? Just how I tried very hard to act like a friend and haven't asked for anything more, shouldn't he have backed away a bit as well? It seems to me as if his actions that night were not logical. By reaffirming that he has no feelings for me in that way but loves me very much, and then reiterating that I am his best friend, doesn't this show that he is acting in a selfish manner, by not considering how it is making me feel? If he saw that in the past month I was willing to put it aside for now and act like a friend, WHY did he feel the need to make himself clear once again?

 

Throughout the month, he would mention several times, randomly, something about me and him and our love story, how we have enough scenes between the two of us to make a good film. Then he'd say something like, what would you do with a punk like me, look at how i'm dressed? He'd tell me to find a bf. Meanwhile, I'm passive the whole time, not sure how to respond, because I don't do or say anything to compel him to say any of this to me.

 

I don't know whether I should contact him this week, and explain how he hurt me, and why we can't be friends any longer. Or should I just not say anything? I don't know what to do any longer. I feel as If I lost a friend. He was a friend, with whom I wanted something more, and now I don't know how this would have worked in the long run. I don't want him to think that I do not care and have dropped him. I love him and care for him, more than anyone else until now, but he hurt me deeply that night and I don't know where to go from here.

[BornToDie]

You're exactly right. This guy isn't logical at all. He seems pretty impulsive while stringing you along and keeping lines blurry at the same time.

I was in your same situation: guy would ask me to hang out, be flirty (putting his arms around me, being touchy, etc.), we'd hook up, and then he dropped the bomb that he was in love with another girl. Used the same exact wording, "my heart is taken." Right after we had hooked up. And then told me that he liked me, but we'd only ever be friends, nothing more.

Sound familiar? The fact that this guy only shows up every now and then, is "in love" with a girl he barely knows, and then mentioned you two moving in together (but ONLY being friends!) raises so many red flags.

In the end, guys like these don't really consider your feelings that much. It's sad but true. Run in the opposite direction. He isn't worth your time.

[NikadVise]

Just to clarify one thing, which makes this all even more confusing, is that this this past month we have been acting like buddies and spent nearly all our free time together. So he wasn't showing up every now and then. I just don't get why he felt the need to reaffirm to me that we are just friends b/c he's in love. I didn't say/do anything to make him feel the need to say that to me. At first I thought that was his way of finally getting me angry and rid of him. Then he texts me last sat night to see what I am doing.

[NikadVise]

And I don't know whether I should contact him so I can explain why I am upset, why I don't think we can be 'friends' any longer (whatever that meant in this case).

 

Every time I feel like reaching out, I think of how he behaved and become livid again. If he truly saw me as a friend, wouldn't he have reached out to ask me why I haven't responded? Am I angry over something?

[NikadVise]

I need some advice again. Last week his female friend came for a visit and the three of us went out. I met her before. I had arranged with her and he of course showed up. He asked if she could stay over my place for the night. I said yes and the three of us went back to my place. I went to bed early, and another one of our friends came over. They were trying to wake me up to join them but I was too exhausted. Next day they all leave and I find an open condom wrapper on the floor. I confront him about it and he says yes its mine, what about it? I stormed off in anger and said I never want to see you again. A few days later we sat down to talk. I told him why I was angry: It's not easy to open yourself up to someone and make yourself vulnerable, and I revealed my feelings to you several months ago. Not that much time has passed, so even though we became friends, what you did was disrespectful to me. You have been alluding these past 2 months that you feel I still see you more than as a friend, so if you had that feeling, and went ahead and slept with someone in my flat, it shows that you do what you want and have no respect for me. He would urge me to find a bf, what are you going to do with a punk like me, etc. So he was using some superficial guise of friendship to justify what he did.

 

He responded: You are acting like an aunt. Sex is normal. We are friends, you are not my gf. I like people who are open. You should find something else to worry about (I told him you are basically saying that I have nothing better to do in my life than be concerned about this), you became too attached. I don't take anything seriously. I like meeting new people (implying that I don't and became attached to him) I didn't know you would be so hurt by that. I am a rational person and you have to learn to control your emotions. I hung out with you because you are a very interesting and specific type of person. I told him its best we just cut off contact, and he agreed.

 

Did I overreact? I wasn't angry that he slept with someone, and that is what he thought. I cannot stop him and I have no desire to, but at my place?

[WordvAction]

I need some advice again. Last week his female friend came for a visit and the three of us went out. I met her before. I had arranged with her and he of course showed up. He asked if she could stay over my place for the night. I said yes and the three of us went back to my place. I went to bed early, and another one of our friends came over. They were trying to wake me up to join them but I was too exhausted. Next day they all leave and I find an open condom wrapper on the floor. I confront him about it and he says yes its mine, what about it? I stormed off in anger and said I never want to see you again. A few days later we sat down to talk. I told him why I was angry: It's not easy to open yourself up to someone and make yourself vulnerable, and I revealed my feelings to you several months ago. Not that much time has passed, so even though we became friends, what you did was disrespectful to me. You have been alluding these past 2 months that you feel I still see you more than as a friend, so if you had that feeling, and went ahead and slept with someone in my flat, it shows that you do what you want and have no respect for me. He would urge me to find a bf, what are you going to do with a punk like me, etc. So he was using some superficial guise of friendship to justify what he did.

 

He responded: You are acting like an aunt. Sex is normal. We are friends, you are not my gf. I like people who are open. You should find something else to worry about (I told him you are basically saying that I have nothing better to do in my life than be concerned about this), you became too attached. I don't take anything seriously. I like meeting new people (implying that I don't and became attached to him) I didn't know you would be so hurt by that. I am a rational person and you have to learn to control your emotions. I hung out with you because you are a very interesting and specific type of person. I told him its best we just cut off contact, and he agreed.

 

Did I overreact? I wasn't angry that he slept with someone, and that is what he thought. I cannot stop him and I have no desire to, but at my place?

 

Yeah you did the right thing, but now stop going back to him at the ring of his bell. All he's had to do is beg a little and throw you some bread crumbs and you fall for it. Cut him off and end this "friendship" for good. There is nothing good to come of it

[whichwayisup]

He isn't interested in you that way and sees you 'as a friend' whereas, you have deep feelings for him and aren't seeing him as 'just a friend'. You have your heart and emotions involved, he doesn't. So, in his mind, what he did was no big deal and yes, he is right, you aren't his gf so in his mind, you have no right to be jealous or feel hurt. He doesn't owe you an explanation, he doesn't have to answer to you. You say he's your friend but you have strings there and he is very aware of this. You're attached to him and he isn't attached to you..

 

Being friends with someone you (general you) have a crush on, or you're in love with, have deep feelings, extremely attracted to, is REALLY hard. Because of how you feel about him, it complicates things. You unknowingly read into what he does or says, you react and feel pain, feel like he's hurt you.

 

Your approach is from a romantic side, his approach is just platonic. This is where the problem is and why this friendship with him is unhealthy for you and you're hurting so much.

 

Stop treating him as a boyfriend... That's what he feels you're doing, treating him like you own him on some level and that pain/hurt/jealously that you feel is ALL driven because of how you feel towards him.

 

Just read rest of your post, I see you've ended it with him. Better for you.

Edited June 24, 2013 by whichwayisup

[NikadVise]

I agree. Thanks for the advice. He was aware of this---and he doesn't owe me any more explanations and I understood this---but wasn't it still insensitive and selfish of him to use my place to sleep with someone else? He could have stayed away, but he made a choice that night knowing all of this. This is what mostly angers me. That he was aware and went ahead and did what he wanted at my place, and not see a problem with it.

[NikadVise]

If I had found out he slept with someone (not at my place), I would not have mentioned anything to him, since I am aware we are not together. I understand I have no right to do that. The fact that it happened at my place-well, for that I am angry and know that he had no right to do that. It means that the entire time that he considered me a friend, well that was nonsense. A friend is someone who tries to be aware of their friend's feelings/emotions, who tries to understand the other person. He just didn't care. And I'm mostly hurt because of this. He even tried to make up with me several times, asking, are we friends again? That was an even bigger slap in the face. Either he is really that oblivious, or is just acting. Also, no one forced him to hang out with me all the time these past 2 months. He even made an assumption that we would spend a holiday together. So I do feel used, in a way.

Edited June 24, 2013 by NikadVise

[whichwayisup]

I agree. Thanks for the advice. He was aware of this---and he doesn't owe me any more explanations and I understood this---but wasn't it still insensitive and selfish of him to use my place to sleep with someone else? He could have stayed away, but he made a choice that night knowing all of this. This is what mostly angers me. That he was aware and went ahead and did what he wanted at my place, and not see a problem with it.

 

Yes, completely selfish, even more so since he knows how you feel about him. In his own way (ass.hole move!) by doing that his actions tell you he doesn't respect you or how you feel. He isn't being considerate of your feelings, so therefore, he ain't a true friend!