Mrlonelyone Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I agree with your final advice to the OP. However Push Pull isn't a "tactic". That would imply that folks act that way on purpose. In fact it is a deep seated unconcious reaction people have based on past traumas. It is part of who they are. Which is all the more reason for the OP to just move on from this. He could only change with years of therapy and introspection which he isn't doing. It's not like he can just stop. No, he doesn't fear abandonment. He tells you he fears abandonment. This is part of the push-pull tactic. Find excuses for the manipulative behaviour. This is what he has convinced you of, to gain your sympathy and pity. This fills you with the fear that, if you leave him, he will fall apart. This is his version of the self-fulfilling prophecy: "I fear abandonment. I don't want you to leave me, because then, you will have abandoned me. I will continue to insult you, push you away, try to create distance between us, because I 'fear commitment'. This will mean you will move away and might leave me. Which means I am right to fear abandonment." See the destructive cycle he has you trapped in? He doesn't fear abandonment. What he fears most is that you will free yourself from his control. he believes he has you exactly where he wants you: Dancing to his tune. And he is playing on your kind-hearted, soft and wonderful nature to exact control of you. Move away, dearest. Move right away. 2
shexy Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 It sounds to me like he's just looking for a way out - I agree with what Ninjainpajamas said. You deserve to be with someone who REALLY wants to be with you, and it sounds to me like he doesn't. 3
edgygirl Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 (edited) I'm not sure how to say this but I think I've been this guy in a few of my first relationships... (and I'm a woman!). A mix of commitment-phobe with fear of abandonment. I know I didn't do it on purpose. I am a fundamentally good person. It's just something that was ingrained in my personality and behavior. Must have been the way I was raised or my early interactions as it doesn't make much sense to me either. MrLonelyOne might have a point, this all could be psychological... I'm not 100% sure this guy is manipulative and mean. Either way, he seems to have a long road to find himself in life, acknowledge a pattern and learn new behaviors. Might take a long long time, many years. Are you willing to be played with your emotions until he learns better? Not sure I would take it. I feel pity remembering a few people I hurt (not on purpose) around 10-15 years ago. I wasn't there yet so it wouldn't have worked with them. My point is, even if he's not mean per se, it might not work for you guys. Edited May 28, 2013 by edgygirl 1
youngnlove89 Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I'm with the same exact guy. It's devastating. It's hard. You can't just leave someone you love. And you try to give every possible excuse to stay. You can read my threads, I have been in an off and on relationship going on for more than 2 years now. We are currently "on". This is our pattern. We breakup. Get back together and then breakup again. I honestly don't know when it will ever end. For the first 6 months, he broke up with me three times. Since then, I've been the one breaking up with him, because I'm afraid he will break up with me. So to keep my "power" I leave him. And then we go NC for a couple weeks and then we are back on. One time, we didn't talk for almost 2 months, we were doing good! I really thought it was over. But then something horrible happened to me and he came to the rescue. Is this my destiny? And I'll complain. I'll complain that he doesn't buy me flowers, doesn't invite me to hang out with his friends. Goes on trips without me. Won't live with me. Won't even commit to being my boyfriend. But yet...here I am. I obviously have a problem. So, I know how you feel. You aren't alone. It can make you go crazy. It makes you sad. It ruins any self esteem you have left. But yet...it's still a choice. We still choose to be with them every day. And until we make that decision to walk away, we will continue to be unhappy. 1
Author HappyendGirl Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 I'm with the same exact guy. It's devastating. It's hard. You can't just leave someone you love. And you try to give every possible excuse to stay. You can read my threads, I have been in an off and on relationship going on for more than 2 years now. We are currently "on". This is our pattern. We breakup. Get back together and then breakup again. I honestly don't know when it will ever end. For the first 6 months, he broke up with me three times. Since then, I've been the one breaking up with him, because I'm afraid he will break up with me. So to keep my "power" I leave him. And then we go NC for a couple weeks and then we are back on. One time, we didn't talk for almost 2 months, we were doing good! I really thought it was over. But then something horrible happened to me and he came to the rescue. Is this my destiny? And I'll complain. I'll complain that he doesn't buy me flowers, doesn't invite me to hang out with his friends. Goes on trips without me. Won't live with me. Won't even commit to being my boyfriend. But yet...here I am. I obviously have a problem. So, I know how you feel. You aren't alone. It can make you go crazy. It makes you sad. It ruins any self esteem you have left. But yet...it's still a choice. We still choose to be with them every day. And until we make that decision to walk away, we will continue to be unhappy. Guys thank you so so so much for the advice!!!!I really feel guilt all the time.Like whenever he doesn't respond to my texts,i always feel like i've said somethign wrong and then i keep thinking about it for days and keep worrying.But whenever he wants to talk to me I always respond,i'm always there.It's basically all on his time.The last time i texted him i sent him a text i wanted to send to one of my female friends.I asked do you wanna go to the movies but then i realized i texted him instead of her so i texted i wanted to send that to my friend and he hasnt responded.it's 2 weeks already :(I know he's busy with work etc.but he has the time to talk and like his friends statuss on fb and cant even text me Youngnlove89,I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through the same thing:( When you break up with him or pull away,He keeps coming back??
edgygirl Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Youngnlove89,I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through the same thing:( When you break up with him or pull away,He keeps coming back?? Just a quick note: you seem to be having a hard time seeing the big picture. You keep looking into specific details in your relationship to give validation for you to keep seeing him. I know you're in the middle of the hurricane, but the small things he does or doesn't do don't really matter. Try to see the big picture of the problem you're facing, it will be much better for you long term. 1
youngnlove89 Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Youngnlove89,I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through the same thing:( When you break up with him or pull away,He keeps coming back?? Yes. Always. He makes contact. Says he misses me. Invites me to hang out, cuddles me, won't let me go, baby talks me, kisses me and he is so sweet. He doesn't break up with me anymore, instead it feels like he pushes me away by not treating me right. Like not buying me flowers, not inviting me out with friends etc. He even told me he is afraid of commitment and he tends to push away people. He owns his issues. He knows he is the problem. And he wants to get help. He knows he pushes me away and doesn't want to. He told me he is lonely because he doesn't know how to let people in. I get tired of it. Break up with him. Initiate NC. Get weak. He knows the deal. He is always waiting for me to take him back. He knows I can't leave him, because time has shown him that. He does keep promises though. He doesn't lie. He doesn't cheat. He never flakes out on me and always responds to my texts when we are together. I would not like it if he didn't do those things. He knows that. Even though he has commitment issues and fear of marriage, he does commit to me in the sense that he respects me and remains loyal. We have made promises to each other to not see anyone else or date anyone else. And I trust him that much. He is never on his phone around me. He thinks it is rude to be texting when with someone. I like that about him. And he has done sweet things for me. We have gone on trips together. He does care or me. I just don't like how he can't commit to me in the sense of being in a long term relationship. He says he refers to me as his girlfriend but when I asked if we can be bf and gf he says he can't. It's confusing. It's very difficult loving someone like this. 1
Author HappyendGirl Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 Yes. Always. He makes contact. Says he misses me. Invites me to hang out, cuddles me, won't let me go, baby talks me, kisses me and he is so sweet. He doesn't break up with me anymore, instead it feels like he pushes me away by not treating me right. Like not buying me flowers, not inviting me out with friends etc. He even told me he is afraid of commitment and he tends to push away people. He owns his issues. He knows he is the problem. And he wants to get help. He knows he pushes me away and doesn't want to. He told me he is lonely because he doesn't know how to let people in. I get tired of it. Break up with him. Initiate NC. Get weak. He knows the deal. He is always waiting for me to take him back. He knows I can't leave him, because time has shown him that. He does keep promises though. He doesn't lie. He doesn't cheat. He never flakes out on me and always responds to my texts when we are together. I would not like it if he didn't do those things. He knows that. Even though he has commitment issues and fear of marriage, he does commit to me in the sense that he respects me and remains loyal. We have made promises to each other to not see anyone else or date anyone else. And I trust him that much. He is never on his phone around me. He thinks it is rude to be texting when with someone. I like that about him. And he has done sweet things for me. We have gone on trips together. He does care or me. I just don't like how he can't commit to me in the sense of being in a long term relationship. He says he refers to me as his girlfriend but when I asked if we can be bf and gf he says he can't. It's confusing. It's very difficult loving someone like this. WOW everything you've said here applies to me I'm sorry to hear that you've been going through this for years now.I know how you feel.It's awful.You blame yourself.You want to fix him and you do so much and he still stays the same.Youngnlove I wish we could talk about our issues hahaha.Do you have like a way I can message you privately?It's nice to talk with someone who knows about all of this. 1
youngnlove89 Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 WOW everything you've said here applies to me I'm sorry to hear that you've been going through this for years now.I know how you feel.It's awful.You blame yourself.You want to fix him and you do so much and he still stays the same.Youngnlove I wish we could talk about our issues hahaha.Do you have like a way I can message you privately?It's nice to talk with someone who knows about all of this. I can put my email up here real fast and then maybe one of the Mods can delete it? haha I'll give you my email address that isn't my private one. And then you can email me on there and I'll give you my private email address. [email protected] Hope you get this in time! 1
Author HappyendGirl Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 I can put my email up here real fast and then maybe one of the Mods can delete it? haha I'll give you my email address that isn't my private one. And then you can email me on there and I'll give you my private email address. [email protected] Hope you get this in time! ok i'll email ya now :)Thanks!
TaraMaiden Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Look, HappyendGirl and youngnlove89, It's all very well finding comfort and unity in your situations. They're alarmingly similar and frighteningly, they seem to tragically mirror one another. But I would urgently suggest that you use such a bizarre coincidence to help one another find strength to leave your respective relationships; to encourage fortitude, resolve and determination to end these self-defeating and ultimately soul-destroying situations. Not to 'support' one another, and to compare notes, and to perpetuate the existences you have chosen for yourself. You know, both of you, how toxic and dsysfunctional your respective circumstances are. Use this as leverage. 1
mortensorchid Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I don't like the sound of this. But the only thing to do with this guy is to do NO CONTACT. No phone calls, emails, IM, etc. Walk away, go on about your business and try not to let it get to you. Get busy doing other things, let him stew in his own juices. And if you never hear from him again, you're DONE with him. THis sounds like my old bf from 10 years ago. He started going all crazy on me 9 months into it, he started saying things like he wanted us to keep dating but not be exclusive. Then he broke it off and said he was a hopeless romantic and he was bored with me. Then he came back and said he wanted to try again. 6 months later he broke it off again and said my active lifestyle was too crazy for him. Excuses, excuses. So then I got my first real bf after him (about 6 months later), and he came over crying. I had not called him in months and he thought I was mad at him. I said he broke up with me and he just missed my new man who left an hour ago. *facepalm* Move on from him, he doesn't deserve a good woman like you.
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