HappyendGirl Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 My bf has commitment issues and very low self esteem.He loves me,he told me he does and he said he's pushing me away distancing himself because he has commitment issues.He said he does have strong feelings for me but hes in denial and he doesnt want to have strong feelings so he wrestles with them,he doesn't want to feel love.Should i just make him miss me?would he then realize he has feelings for me and he'd stop being in denial??He told me to move on and broke up with me once for a week and then came back saying i dont want you to move on.It's gotten to a point where he starts getting mean and rude and i know it's all on purpose but i dont pay attention i just take it all in and pretend like it doesnt bother me.He flirts with other girls on purpose on facebook.Guys what should i do in this situation?I keep proving to him that i love him and only him but its making him push me more away.Should i just back off and wait for him to come to me first.Or i should i keep proving to him that i wont leave him no matter what even if he pretends to be mean.I'm just worried if i back away he'll think i moved on and wont do anything about it because he doesnt feel good enough so he wont come running back
FitChick Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 He feels he doesn't deserve love so when you say and act like you love him, you are making him 'wrong' so gets angry. Can you see that? You can't win. Move on, tell him to find a good therapist. You will now be able to spot guys with problems like this so will avoid becoming involved. You can't save him so don't try. Self-esteem has to come from within. 2
Addison312 Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 That is my ex bf, and trust me...let him be. A instigation like this will cause you much hurt. It's not you, I hope you know this.you could be Gisele and he still wouldn't be able to be who you need him to be. Move on and don't look back. Good luck. 1
Author HappyendGirl Posted May 27, 2013 Author Posted May 27, 2013 Thanks for the advice guys.But i love him so much.It'll be hard to move on.so i should just leave him alone and be distant and aloof if he does come back?
subversive Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 Break up. If you stay with him no matter how he treats you, you won't be showing him that you love him. You'll be showing him that he has permission to treat you that way. 4
Vinegar Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 this doesn't sound too good. I think a little fear is normal but not to the point to where you're being mean and flirting with other people on Facebook. I think your best bet would be to cut him loose. You can't fix his problems. They are his problems and only he can fix them which will probably take a very long time. 2
todreaminblue Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 My bf has commitment issues and very low self esteem.He loves me,he told me he does and he said he's pushing me away distancing himself because he has commitment issues.He said he does have strong feelings for me but hes in denial and he doesnt want to have strong feelings so he wrestles with them,he doesn't want to feel love.Should i just make him miss me?would he then realize he has feelings for me and he'd stop being in denial??He told me to move on and broke up with me once for a week and then came back saying i dont want you to move on.It's gotten to a point where he starts getting mean and rude and i know it's all on purpose but i dont pay attention i just take it all in and pretend like it doesnt bother me.He flirts with other girls on purpose on facebook.Guys what should i do in this situation?I keep proving to him that i love him and only him but its making him push me more away.Should i just back off and wait for him to come to me first.Or i should i keep proving to him that i wont leave him no matter what even if he pretends to be mean.I'm just worried if i back away he'll think i moved on and wont do anything about it because he doesnt feel good enough so he wont come running back I think you should have a heart to heart with him, ask him the question, either he wants to commit or he doesnt........tell him you love him but you dotn want to stay in a relationship with a guy who doesnt know what he wants....if eh wants you badly enough...he will either seek the help he needs to stay....or he will leave...those are his choices..doesnt take a rocket scientist to knwo what you do or dotn want or need.. please dont live your life in his forced denial or fear of commitment....step to it...and tell him what you need.....you deserve to be treated how you treat him, nothing less, you also deserve happiness...life is fleeting.....dont spend it not knowing where you stand with him,, not knowing isnt a path to happiness....seeking what you need to be happy is the way........deb 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 Guys often use their commitment issues to back away from relationships they are over with. It's a crutch and easy way to scapegoat responsibility and most importantly accountability. Regardless of the fact of how he "feels for you"...which trust me, is extremely debatable as a guy isn't going to tell you flat out he doesn't love you anymore, especially after "everything you've been through together"...it's a variation of the love you but not "in love" with you basically. Let him go, he wants out of the relationship, so he's just keep going to push you away until you finally leave...that's what he's trying to do, testing you and abusing you until you take the hint...but you're like a puppy that can't understand what's going on because after your owner beats you he gives you a hug, it's confusing your brain. The fact of the matter is you shouldn't be kicked in the first place. You thinking you can wait this out or somehow prove your love is just ridiculous and one of the oldest trick in the book that men use that they don't even realize to have their cake and eat it too. He'll keep abusing you and flirting with girls then end up going with one....or break up with you then dating the other girl. He doesn't want to be with you anymore but doesn't know how to get himself out of it...he doesn't have the balls or the pride. But you can always stick around like 5 million other women do in this scenario that mostly end up with the same results...the guy leaves anyway. Choose yourself and your self-respect over your love for him...instead of being a doormat that's going to get tossed out anyway in the end. All your doing right now is biding your time really, this can go on for years though if you're foolish and insecure enough. 8
Author HappyendGirl Posted May 27, 2013 Author Posted May 27, 2013 Thanks guys.But of he really was not into me and wanted me to move on,he'd let me move on.Whenever he feels like i start moving on he comes back and tells me he's sorry and doesnt want me to move on etc.It's like he doesnt want me to come close but at the same time he doesnt want me to leave him. He's a very anxious guy he has anxiety so he really starts to worry when we get super close :*(
Ninjainpajamas Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 Thanks for the advice guys.But i love him so much.It'll be hard to move on.so i should just leave him alone and be distant and aloof if he does come back? Enjoy having your face dragged through the mud as well as your heart....it's a funny thing what people call "love"...does this really look and sound like love to you? is this really it? Who told these women this is the "standard" of love? a movie? storybook? But don't worry it gets worse, eventually he'll stomp on both of them too...so if you think you feel like crap now, don't worry, you're sacrificing your "heart", as well as your pride, self-respect, self-esteem, self-respect...or whatever is left of it anyway. Sounds like love to me! and you'll be left picking up the pieces.....alone. 3
Author HappyendGirl Posted May 27, 2013 Author Posted May 27, 2013 Enjoy having your face dragged through the mud as well as your heart....it's a funny thing what people call "love"...does this really look and sound like love to you? is this really it? Who told these women this is the "standard" of love? a movie? storybook? But don't worry it gets worse, eventually he'll stomp on both of them too...so if you think you feel like crap now, don't worry, you're sacrificing your "heart", as well as your pride, self-respect, self-esteem, self-respect...or whatever is left of it anyway. Sounds like love to me! and you'll be left picking up the pieces.....alone. You're right:(I'm already hurt.I cry every night...blaming myself.
todreaminblue Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 You're right:(I'm already hurt.I cry every night...blaming myself. :0(......you shouldn't live this way.......you dont deserve it......seriously consider letting him go.......at least talk to him about what you want and need to be happy...hugs....deb.....
BluEyeL Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 Listen to Ninjapajamas and the others. They are right. i know how hard it is, but believe me, you can end up at 40 and alone..... It happened to me in a rather similar scenario. I might be married with someone who truly loved me right now if I moved on at your stage and didn't spend exactly 21 years on the wrong person. Save your time/life, no matter how hard it seems, it's the right thing to do for your own sake. I wish someone told me this when I was in my 20s. 1
Mrlonelyone Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 This sounds like what is called a Push-Pull relationship in the literature. Definition: Push-Pull - A chronic pattern of sabotaging and re-establishing closeness in a relationship without appropriate cause or reason. Also sometimes described as “I hate you…don’t leave me!” Both men and women do this. It can be associated with personailty disorders but there does not have to be anything clinically wrong with either of you for this to take effect. The best description I have heard of it is, it's like being attached by a 10 foot pole. I would call it being attached by a spring which alternately pulls you together and pushes you apart. You want more commitment, he wants less. Then as soon as you back away he is pulled back towards you. From his perspective: you smother him too much. Then as soon as you stop smothering him and "act normal" (as he may think of it) you don't want him. He only wants you, when you don't want him. Likewise you really want him more when he does not like you that much. If this is a pattern in other relationships you have had then you may need to consider therapy. If not then the solution is simply to cut this guy loose and find someone who won't push you away. Here are some good links to check out about it. Beyond the Borderline Personality: Push Me - Pull You : The Push-Pull Cycle Out of the FOG - Push-Pull Behavior Facticity: The Approach-Avoidance Cycle in Relationships TL;DR: In the end the only way to go forward is to back off from him. See if he comes back to you. Then see if you really want someone who only wants you when you don't want them. If you stay with him after that then some therapy is called for to make it work. If you have a pattern of having this happen in relationships then therapy might be a good move. If he is the first and only man to do this to you then he has issues and you need to just forget about him. 2
Ninjainpajamas Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 (edited) You're right:(I'm already hurt.I cry every night...blaming myself. This has nothing to do with you, you shouldn't blame yourself....what would you blame yourself for? not being good enough, not loving him enough? bull crap and you know it. You did nothing wrong, this is what many guys do growing up. They're thinking about themselves, and the next big conquest or adventure, they haven't found themselves and who they want to love yet...for them that's something way down the road and they'll eventually cross that bridge when they get there. Don't pin that crap on you, there was nothing you could have done or should have done differently, you were being you. You owe it most importantly to yourself, and the people who truly love you and care about you to not let yourself be treated this way, by anyone...because those people that are going to be there for you in the end...you know the people you always ignore their advice and get upset/angry by what you go through or if they knew what you were going through but you ignore it anyway because you want to see if this "works out"...so you have to alienate yourself into this little world with "your guy" why he pulls you back and forth and you don't know whether you're coming or going...I'm pretty sure you know that feeling. You need to think about why you're allowing this...why you're allowing yourself to be in this kind of relationship with a person who clearly isn't giving you what you want or need...only when it's convenient for them. Because that's the real problem here...nobody can take advantage of you if you don't let them..but you know what happens? guys use women like you like temporary band-aids for their own problems and issues, and because you've got your own issues you allow it to happen because you actually think you did something to deserve it...how ridiculous is that if you think about it? who "deserves" bad treatment by anyone for any reason? try justifying that to anyone, but it makes sense to a person who doesn't feel good about themselves and is caught up with someone who is abusing them and making you feel worthless and unacceptable...but you think you "love" them. Let go...not for him, but for yourself, don't fail you...or you might keep failing yourself for the rest of your life until you make a stand. Draw the line somewhere, treat yourself better than that, even it means being alone. Trust me, if you learn to treat yourself with love and respect...someone will actually value what you have to give because they know that's what's you expect for yourself. I know it's hard now, I know there's lots of tears...but invest in yourself, if you do that it lasts forever, when you invest in someone else, it only lasts until that person is out of your life...which might happen often, don't let this guy turn you down the road of vulnerability and insecurity, don't let this guy dictate what you expect out of "love". You can do better than that, you're stronger than you give yourself credit for. Edited May 27, 2013 by Ninjainpajamas 8
Author HappyendGirl Posted May 27, 2013 Author Posted May 27, 2013 This has nothing to do with you, you shouldn't blame yourself....what would you blame yourself for? not being good enough, not loving him enough? bull crap and you know it. You did nothing wrong, this is what many guys do growing up. They're thinking about themselves, and the next big conquest or adventure, they haven't found themselves and who they want to love yet...for them that's something way down the road and they'll eventually cross that bridge when they get there. Don't pin that crap on you, there was nothing you could have done or should have done differently, you were being you. You owe it most importantly to yourself, and the people who truly love you and care about you to not let yourself be treated this way, by anyone...because those people that are going to be there for you in the end...you know the people you always ignore their advice and get upset/angry by what you go through or if they knew what you were going through but you ignore it anyway because you want to see if this "works out"...so you have to alienate yourself into this little world with "your guy" why he pulls you back and forth and you don't know whether you're coming or going...I'm pretty sure you know that feeling. You need to think about why you're allowing this...why you're allowing yourself to be in this kind of relationship with a person who clearly isn't giving you what you want or need...only when it's convenient for them. Because that's the real problem here...nobody can take advantage of you if you don't let them..but you know what happens? guys use women like you like temporary band-aids for their own problems and issues, and because you've got your own issues you allow it to happen because you actually think you did something to deserve it...how ridiculous is that if you think about it? who "deserves" bad treatment by anyone for any reason? try justifying that to anyone, but it makes sense to a person who doesn't feel good about themselves and is caught up with someone who is abusing them and making you feel worthless and unacceptable...but you think you "love" them. Let go...not for him, but for yourself, don't fail you...or you might keep failing yourself for the rest of your life until you make a stand. Draw the line somewhere, treat yourself better than that, even it means being alone. Trust me, if you learn to treat yourself with love and respect...someone will actually value what you have to give because they know that's what's you expect for yourself. I know it's hard now, I know there's lots of tears...but invest in yourself, if you do that it lasts forever, when you invest in someone else, it only lasts until that person is out of your life...which might happen often, don't let this guy turn you down the road of vulnerability and insecurity, don't let this guy dictate what you expect out of "love". You can do better than that, you're stronger than you give yourself credit for. Thank you so much for your response.It brought tears to my eyes I'm not living these days,i'm just existing.My life revolves around him.Thank you so much for explaining everything.
TaraMaiden Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 Oh my goodness me.... Never, ever, EVER live your life to the extreme circumstance that you believe your happiness is dependent on someone else being there. It runs - AND ruins - your life, to the extent that you abdicate all responsibility for the state and health of your heart and emotions. I guarantee that if - IF - you follow the good, sound, caring and sensible advice of the good people above, in six months you will come back to read this thread, see your comments and think to yourself, "Oh gurl, how could you have been SO pathetic - ?!" I sincerely hope you do take to heart the good counsel you have received here. Nobody here has a solitary single clue who you are. But they recognise pain, anguish and dysfunction when they see it. You have the 'ears' of a lot of kind-hearted and experienced people here. many of whom have probably been in your shoes. Please take heed. Hard as it may seem, it really is for your total benefit to do your utmost and to try your very best - to follow advice. 4
TaraMaiden Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 Thanks guys.But of he really was not into me and wanted me to move on,he'd let me move on.Whenever he feels like i start moving on he comes back and tells me he's sorry and doesnt want me to move on etc.It's like he doesnt want me to come close but at the same time he doesnt want me to leave him. He's a very anxious guy he has anxiety so he really starts to worry when we get super close :*( No. He's a controlling jerk and he's yanking your chain in precisely the way he knows works. Why? Because he can. You are feeding into the cycle. And all you need to do is to step away - and this time, really mean it. For good. I guarantee when he sees this tactic fail he will resort to other kinds of emotional blackmail. He may even become insulting and abusive, then go back to being a whimpering apologist....so remorseful, didn't know what came over him, so scared of losing you, needs you in his life, can't live without you - begging, pleading..... But still won't commit. Go No Contact. The Guide in my signature is written with the perspective of the dumpee in mind, and even though technically speaking you would be the dumper, he has effectively, continuously shoved you away. He's destructive and manipulating. You really do need to shed this creep right now. (((Hugs))). 2
Tk123 Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 As much as I hate to say this, your best bet is to just stop talking to him. I know this is a lot easier said than done, but believe me he will just continue taking advantage of you if you stay around. There are plenty of single guys out there who would appreciate you for who you are. If I were you I'd begin no contact with him. Delete all sources of contact with him. Just know during this time he may come chasing you back. Although this is something you may want, remember what you're getting into. You've said he has come running back and he will be back again. You need to break the cycle and move on. We're all on your side here. 1
Author HappyendGirl Posted May 27, 2013 Author Posted May 27, 2013 No. He's a controlling jerk and he's yanking your chain in precisely the way he knows works. Why? Because he can. You are feeding into the cycle. And all you need to do is to step away - and this time, really mean it. For good. I guarantee when he sees this tactic fail he will resort to other kinds of emotional blackmail. He may even become insulting and abusive, then go back to being a whimpering apologist....so remorseful, didn't know what came over him, so scared of losing you, needs you in his life, can't live without you - begging, pleading..... But still won't commit. Go No Contact. The Guide in my signature is written with the perspective of the dumpee in mind, and even though technically speaking you would be the dumper, he has effectively, continuously shoved you away. He's destructive and manipulating. You really do need to shed this creep right now. (((Hugs))). Thank you so much for your advice.But if he fears abandonment and he fears getting hurt, me leaving would prove to him that he actually doesnt deserve love because thats what he thinks.He thinks he doesnt deserve love,he doesnt feel good enough.I dont want him to think i left him
apple OR orange Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 assumption a : you are trusting what he says, this is identical as... "yes i really want this so bad, but i just cant hand the money over, i cant press any numbers on the cash machine, i have number-o-phobia".... yeah right, say what you like, your not acting like you want the goods, your not getting the goods. 1
TaraMaiden Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 Thank you so much for your advice.But if he fears abandonment and he fears getting hurt, me leaving would prove to him that he actually doesnt deserve love because thats what he thinks.He thinks he doesnt deserve love,he doesnt feel good enough.I dont want him to think i left him No, he doesn't fear abandonment. He tells you he fears abandonment. This is part of the push-pull tactic. Find excuses for the manipulative behaviour. This is what he has convinced you of, to gain your sympathy and pity. This fills you with the fear that, if you leave him, he will fall apart. This is his version of the self-fulfilling prophecy: "I fear abandonment. I don't want you to leave me, because then, you will have abandoned me. I will continue to insult you, push you away, try to create distance between us, because I 'fear commitment'. This will mean you will move away and might leave me. Which means I am right to fear abandonment." See the destructive cycle he has you trapped in? He doesn't fear abandonment. What he fears most is that you will free yourself from his control. he believes he has you exactly where he wants you: Dancing to his tune. And he is playing on your kind-hearted, soft and wonderful nature to exact control of you. Move away, dearest. Move right away. 1
KraftDinner Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 Thank you so much for your advice.But if he fears abandonment and he fears getting hurt, me leaving would prove to him that he actually doesnt deserve love because thats what he thinks.He thinks he doesnt deserve love,he doesnt feel good enough.I dont want him to think i left him He obviously doesn't think you deserve love either. He treats you like crap and you keep coming back for more. Which makes him lose respect for you and makes him think you are eve less deserving of love. And the reason he doesn't want you to move on isn't because he cares. A lot of times people don't want someone but they still feel like that person is their property so don't want them to move on. It isn't love. It's ego, which you are helping feed. This is a losing battle. It's already over. It's amazing how much a breakup like this can hurt for a short time but just how much relief you'll feel after a few weeks. 1
Author HappyendGirl Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 No, he doesn't fear abandonment. He tells you he fears abandonment. This is part of the push-pull tactic. Find excuses for the manipulative behaviour. This is what he has convinced you of, to gain your sympathy and pity. This fills you with the fear that, if you leave him, he will fall apart. This is his version of the self-fulfilling prophecy: "I fear abandonment. I don't want you to leave me, because then, you will have abandoned me. I will continue to insult you, push you away, try to create distance between us, because I 'fear commitment'. This will mean you will move away and might leave me. Which means I am right to fear abandonment." See the destructive cycle he has you trapped in? He doesn't fear abandonment. What he fears most is that you will free yourself from his control. he believes he has you exactly where he wants you: Dancing to his tune. And he is playing on your kind-hearted, soft and wonderful nature to exact control of you. Move away, dearest. Move right away. Thanks sooooooo much for the advice!!!!!!!! Gosh i'm just so scared to pull back.What if it really is a fear he has.
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