Loving_Me Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 Is anyone else here celibate? If so, why and how do you deal with other people's reactions? Are any of them positive? I'm in my 20s and I've been celibate for the past three years following on from a traumatic relationship I had. I eventually ended it but I've just come to the conclusion that that I'm better off being relationship/drama free. I get attention from men but I really just don't want to hear it. I'm a strong and confident person and I think I can really do a lot more in life by myself. Whenever I try to discuss how I feel or what's on my mind with friends or family I'm immediately judged and shutdown, told that I HAVE to be in a relationship with someone. I'm sick of being judged and suffocated by other people's opinions so I've just stopped talking about anything personal with anyone. I'm hoping that this forum can be a space where I can just be myself...albeit anonymously. 4
BluEyeL Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 I feel you. People project their own situation onto you. I have the same situations sometimes, ppl insisting that you HAVE to have a relationship to be happy. When in fact, happiness is just intrinsic, if you were an unhappy person, you'd be an unhappy coupled person, and if you are a happy person, you can be a happy celibate/single person. I suggest you stop discussing personal subjects with people around you. None of their freaking business who/when/if you sleep with people. 6
CherryT Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 i was celibate for 5 years in my 20's. Like you, I had a long term relationship that ended traumatically for me. Many things from verbal abuse to cheating etc... I didn't want a relationship for a long time and wanted to work on myself. I did everything I could accomplish on my own (had a great career, started a business, created some asset). And when I finally felt "ready" to have a relationship, it took about a year or so to find that one. I am now happily in a relationship, we're talking about marriage, and I am 1000% happy about who I am and what I decided to do. If I wasn't celibate and just jumping from one relationship to the next, I'm not sure where I would be or if I would have recognized how amazing my current relationship is. At the time I was celibate, I had "friends" down right make fun of me. In your early to mid 20's, it's apparently a bad thing not to want to have sex (whether you're in a relationship or not). But I kept true to myself... and now that we've all grown, I am the only one with a successful relationship out of my old group of "friends". Just keep doing what you feel is right for you. 4
Maleficent Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 Wait until you're celibate in your 30's cause then you are really scary to women who are in relationships. mouha!ha!ha! Edit: people start telling you you should start thinking about having kids too! 1
Disillusioned Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 PUAs may well hate women like you, but I think if you're better off without that kind of drama in your life, then more power to you. The PUAs and game-playing women they chase after can go on playing their own dumb little games and trying to feel superior to you, but you and everyone who doesn't want to play games knows the truth. 2
Maleficent Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 PUAs may well hate women like you, but I think if you're better off without that kind of drama in your life, then more power to you. The PUAs and game-playing women they chase after can go on playing their own dumb little games and trying to feel superior to you, but you and everyone who doesn't want to play games knows the truth. hum....what's a PUA?
MrWonderful Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 Is anyone else here celibate? If so, why and how do you deal with other people's reactions? Are any of them positive? I'm in my 20s and I've been celibate for the past three years following on from a traumatic relationship I had. I eventually ended it but I've just come to the conclusion that that I'm better off being relationship/drama free. I get attention from men but I really just don't want to hear it. I'm a strong and confident person and I think I can really do a lot more in life by myself. Whenever I try to discuss how I feel or what's on my mind with friends or family I'm immediately judged and shutdown, told that I HAVE to be in a relationship with someone. I'm sick of being judged and suffocated by other people's opinions so I've just stopped talking about anything personal with anyone. I'm hoping that this forum can be a space where I can just be myself...albeit anonymously. This is normal after getting out of a traumatic relationship. Its better to focus on yourself sometime, you'll find that "spark" again when your ready for it. Don't feel bad, and anyone who makes fun of you is a moron. Goodluck 3
Seductive Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 (edited) Is anyone else here celibate? If so, why and how do you deal with other people's reactions? Are any of them positive? I'm in my 20s and I've been celibate for the past three years following on from a traumatic relationship I had. I eventually ended it but I've just come to the conclusion that that I'm better off being relationship/drama free. I get attention from men but I really just don't want to hear it. I'm a strong and confident person and I think I can really do a lot more in life by myself. Whenever I try to discuss how I feel or what's on my mind with friends or family I'm immediately judged and shutdown, told that I HAVE to be in a relationship with someone. I'm sick of being judged and suffocated by other people's opinions so I've just stopped talking about anything personal with anyone. I'm hoping that this forum can be a space where I can just be myself...albeit anonymously. Is this temporary celibacy or permanent? I was in your situation when I had a very abusive sexual relationship. I became celibate not only to protect myself, but to prove my abuser wrong. My abuser told me I was a whore with no self-control, so I decided to show him that he's full of crap. ! I didn't have sex with anyone for 2 years until I met my serious boyfriend at the time. I don't regret it either. Waiting got me what I wanted, which was a loving and committed relationship. It helped me kick that abusive ex-boyfriend to the curb. I think you're doing the right thing by letting yourself heal. I'm unclear as to whether you want to wait for the right man or be celibate forever. For those people that judge you, tell them to come back 10 years later when their relationships fail. You will be getting the last laugh. Trust me. Edited May 27, 2013 by Seductive 4
JuneJulySeptember Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 Is anyone else here celibate? If so, why and how do you deal with other people's reactions? Are any of them positive? I'm in my 20s and I've been celibate for the past three years following on from a traumatic relationship I had. I eventually ended it but I've just come to the conclusion that that I'm better off being relationship/drama free. I get attention from men but I really just don't want to hear it. I'm a strong and confident person and I think I can really do a lot more in life by myself. Whenever I try to discuss how I feel or what's on my mind with friends or family I'm immediately judged and shutdown, told that I HAVE to be in a relationship with someone. I'm sick of being judged and suffocated by other people's opinions so I've just stopped talking about anything personal with anyone. I'm hoping that this forum can be a space where I can just be myself...albeit anonymously. If it makes you feel any better, I was pretty much celibate through my 20s. Not by choice, though.
Author Loving_Me Posted May 27, 2013 Author Posted May 27, 2013 Thank you so much for all of your supportive and insightful responses. I wasn't sure if anyone would respond and you've all made me feel so much better. It's so nice to be heard. Is this temporary celibacy or permanent? - I think it's permanent.
todreaminblue Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 I have been celibate for years now, my close friends and family know how i feel about being intimate with someone,I am not a casual girl...... they accept me and i accept them ........they want em to be happy casual sex to me and for me feels like unpaid prostitution......and i wont go there....they rib me sometimes but its good natured ribbing about my cobwebs.......i just tell them ill knit them some booties or a scarf with my cobwebs if they dont shut up.....they shut up about my celibacy they say thats gross and we talk about something else......seriously..... guys see me as a challenge.......i recognize that and make it clear im not interested in sex......i cant be with someone i dont have strong feelings for....as far as sex goes...it has to be a committed loving long term relationship.....if any of my family didn't accept that or guys who want to play games........i dont need them in my life.....i have come too far to change what i believe for anyone......and i hold my beliefs close they keep me strong.....the friends and family I have been blessed with, understand why i am the way i am and want me to be happy ....those who dont want me to be happy.....dont matter to me......deb 1
apple OR orange Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 well over 15 years, i know my place on this planet and sex isnt anywhere in my life as others arnt interested. Not by choice i might add, and has to kinda bad side effects as well which i wont go in to.
Seductive Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 True, I agree it's unnecessary to divulge your dating life to every Tom, dick and Harry. I had a friend that thought I was a lesbian, because I never "talk about guys". Once you talk about your love life, you open a pandora's box. People get nosy, gossip, or give opinions that can make you feel bad. Some of the worst dating advice ive received is sadly from other female friends. People mean well, but their advice can hurt more than help. 1
Author Loving_Me Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 happiness is just intrinsic, if you were an unhappy person, you'd be an unhappy coupled person, and if you are a happy person, you can be a happy celibate/single person. I agree completely. Not much else to say, lol. i was celibate for 5 years in my 20's. Like you, I had a long term relationship that ended traumatically for me. Many things from verbal abuse to cheating etc... I didn't want a relationship for a long time and wanted to work on myself. I did everything I could accomplish on my own (had a great career, started a business, created some asset). And when I finally felt "ready" to have a relationship, it took about a year or so to find that one. I am now happily in a relationship, we're talking about marriage, and I am 1000% happy about who I am and what I decided to do. If I wasn't celibate and just jumping from one relationship to the next, I'm not sure where I would be or if I would have recognized how amazing my current relationship is. I really relate to what you're saying, I'm starting my own business and doing so many things I've wanted to do for years. I know that if I keep moving forward I'll be successful. But, I don't see a relationship in my future. I fear what it could do to me. To me being in a relationship is like being a sitting target. It's destructive for me. I'm a strong person, but every has their limit, I think I've reached mine. I have no trust left as far as relationships go. Having said that, I truly think it's is wonderful that you're happy and in a serious relationship with someone who is treating you so well. And I'm glad that you did what you wanted to do and didn't buckle to pressure. Wait until you're celibate in your 30's cause then you are really scary to women who are in relationships. mouha!ha!ha! Edit: people start telling you you should start thinking about having kids too! Oh I'm a woman, lol. And people (older relatives) are already dropping hints... PUAs may well hate women like you, but I think if you're better off without that kind of drama in your life, then more power to you. The PUAs and game-playing women they chase after can go on playing their own dumb little games and trying to feel superior to you, but you and everyone who doesn't want to play games knows the truth. Thanks. This is normal after getting out of a traumatic relationship. Its better to focus on yourself sometime, you'll find that "spark" again when your ready for it. Don't feel bad, and anyone who makes fun of you is a moron. Goodluck Thank you! Waiting got me what I wanted, which was a loving and committed relationship. It helped me kick that abusive ex-boyfriend to the curb. I'm sorry to hear that you went through such an abusive relationship. Your ex boyfriend sounds terrible. But his abusive was a reflection of his poor character and no reflection on you. Glad to hear you've found someone loving who treats you well. I have been celibate for years now, my close friends and family know how i feel about being intimate with someone,I am not a casual girl...... they accept me and i accept them ........they want em to be happy casual sex to me and for me feels like unpaid prostitution......and i wont go there....they rib me sometimes but its good natured ribbing about my cobwebs.......i just tell them ill knit them some booties or a scarf with my cobwebs if they dont shut up.....they shut up about my celibacy they say thats gross and we talk about something else......seriously..... You've got a great sense of humour and lots of patience with people! I haven't had sex with anyone for nearly 2 years, by choice. I'm honestly happy with my choice to be celibate temporarily. I think not having a partner is giving me time to seriously reflect upon who I am, who I want to be and ultimately, what kind of partner I want in the future. I made the choice after being used a number of times by a number of guys. I realised I was making poor choices, and the only way to solve my decision-making skills with regards to men, and who I slept with, was to take an indefinite break. It's helped clear my head, and actually view sex and men in a healthier light. There are always going to be people who project their own values, desires, goals onto you, be it career, relationship, lifestyle etc. I'm child-free also, and boy, do I get stick for it! I think the types of people who will criticize you for your choice are the types of people who are insecure in their own decisions, and may think you're making a judgment call on their lives. Also, people have an odd tendency to think that everyone must want the same things out of life that they do, and don't get it when people don't. Eventually, I learned that the only way to deal with them is to stop telling them things that do not concern them. If they ask about my relationship status, sure, I'll tell them, but I won't volunteer it. I've had friends say "I'm too fussy" about men and I always roll my eyes, and say "Well, that's not something I'm ashamed of." In all honesty, I spent a long time selling myself short. Settling for the first guy to show interest. Now I know I can make it on my own, and I don't have the same pressure that they do to settle down. If it happens, it happens. If not, no big deal. Just do you. Those who mind, don't matter. Those who matter don't mind. Thanks so much for your comment! I'm think I'm in transition. In terms of relationships/friendships and other things in my life. I really just want to lead a better more peaceful life. For a long time I expected my friends to treat me as I treated them. I hate gossip and privacy is very important to me. If someone tells me something personal I keep it to myself, if they are sensitive regarding a personal issue (love life, future plans, health, weight loss, family issues) I won't bring it up or I'll be mindful of what I say. I've really tried to show compassion and consideration to other people but I've come to realise that just don't get that in return. I used to confide in my oldest childhood friend and one of my cousins. I avoid my cousin these days, I respect her as a person and she's got great qualities but the conversation always ends up with her trying to ram the idea of being in a relationship down my throat. And I always feel terrible afterwards. She's nearing 30 and she wants to get married and have a family, but that's her life not mine. I got an invitation to her birthday party today, it's a few months away and usually I'd just RSVP and go and support her but I don't know...if I'm just going to be a target for judgement I'm staying home... My had to end my friendship with the childhood friend for that and other reasons. I'd need another thread for that. *Sigh* I know things will get better it's just tough at the moment. Knowing I haven't and am not getting what I give in friendships and that similar things happened in the relationship I was in....well it's given me a LOT to think about. I can't tell you how helpful all your comments have been. I don't feel so alone and I feel a lot better. I know I'm doing the right thing for me and it's refreshing to be able to just say what's on my mind and to not be judged for it. Celibacy really seems to be a big taboo. 2
Pompeii Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 (edited) I don't see why you'd be judged. If there's anyone who will be judged, it will certainly be the males who are inexperienced or celibate throughout their twenties. Male virginity has a much lower price than female virginity. However, there is only a certain threshold women can reach when they are virgins before they are regarded as the crazy cat lady next door. For men, virginity/celibacy seems to be somewhat of a multiplier effect: the more and longer you are a virgin, the less ideal of a partner you seem in someone's eyes. Regardless of whether you have no baggage, you are cast aside as defective and unworthy of affection. There's a reason why there are more male virgins than female virgins, at almost any age bracket. This is something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life, as I removed myself from the dating game earlier last week, and it's something I know I will have to bear - alone. Some guy will see you as a a prize. Me, not so much. I often believe I was born in the wrong era, as I hate many conventions of the modern world. I like the societal progress we have made in many areas, but in terms of sexuality, we have a long way to go. I do not like how society and my friends (unconsciously) make me feel like a lesser person, like a lesser man because I am a virgin. I hate feeling like **** every time I'm reminded of the fact that I'm undesirable. Not everyone is cut out for a relationship or sexual encounters. Edited May 28, 2013 by Pompeii
ascendotum Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I'm in my 20s and I've been celibate for the past three years following on from a traumatic relationship I had. I eventually ended it but I've just come to the conclusion that that I'm better off being relationship/drama free. Gee, you're a female and you are taking comfort in not being in a relationship to avoid the drama. If you tell that to your friends then I guess there's less chance they will be wondering if you have secretly gone lezo. If you are attractive, then you'll get pestered a lot from guy's once they get a whiff you are single. Other women/couples will feel sorry for you and try to set you up (many think its a crime against nature for an attractive person being single for too long). If you are unattractive, then people couldn't care less. I find it happens quiet often for women after a traumatic relationship. they tend to wall themselves off emotionally to avoid any discussions or to avoid encouraging any guy to ask them out. Have you ever had a decent bf? The way you talk, it sounds like not really.
ltjg45 Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I'm sick of being judged and suffocated by other people's opinions so I've just stopped talking about anything personal with anyone. See? This is why I chose not to have any friends. The last male "friend" I had was asking me as to why I never had a girlfriend. He certainly had no desire to find out "why" I never had one which is that I can't find any decent women worth dating but he was more curious if I gave up and wanted to turn gay, which is an avenue I refuse to go down. Needless to say, I cut off all contact with him a few weeks later. Unless I want to share my personal business or you have a valid reason to know, you don't need to know anything about me.
Estate Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Is anyone else here celibate? If so, why and how do you deal with other people's reactions? Are any of them positive? I'm in my 20s and I've been celibate for the past three years following on from a traumatic relationship I had. I eventually ended it but I've just come to the conclusion that that I'm better off being relationship/drama free. I get attention from men but I really just don't want to hear it. I'm a strong and confident person and I think I can really do a lot more in life by myself. Whenever I try to discuss how I feel or what's on my mind with friends or family I'm immediately judged and shutdown, told that I HAVE to be in a relationship with someone. I'm sick of being judged and suffocated by other people's opinions so I've just stopped talking about anything personal with anyone. I'm hoping that this forum can be a space where I can just be myself...albeit anonymously. Nothing wrong with being celebate, nothing at all. But you say you want to talk about it to friends/family... when they shut you down you come on here looking for affirmation or praise? That's your problem right there... don't expect people to sing your praises for something you insist on bringing up. It's your choice and good for you for sticking to it if you are really happy but stop looking for other peoples approval and praise for it. It's not for everyone and people often don't appreciate people bringing up these topics of "My beliefs" as if they should feel bad about themselves for not subscribing, mostly it turns people away.
pcplod Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Don't it just piss you off that anyone offers unsolicited advice about how you should conduct your life, about any aspect of it, never mind your intimate or sexual relationships? I mean, it would be understandable if it were to have a negative impact on their own miserable existences, but it never does, yet it never stops them. Heck they never even pause for breath or reflection. In a way, I could muster a brave face if it was coming from some intellectual heavyweight, like Pliny the Elder, Plato or Socrates, even Gore Vidal, but when in reality it is people like Pat Robertson or Jerry Falwell you just want to go lobby your local politicians to get them to pass a law endorsing involuntary euthanasia. What's wrong with making your own decisions, good or bad? You're the one who has to live them. As for those little homilies such as "Don't tell me I didn't warn you", "I'm older and wiser", or "You don't want to be doing that", sheesh! All you got to know is what the relative advantages and disadvantages, merits and dismerits are. You can defer and change your mind as long as you understand and appreciate that an opportunity now may not be the same as it is in the future. That's life. Choices. Decisions. Win, lose, understanding, accepting. The really sad thing is that it really should be possible to discuss these things neutrally and objectively without getting that feeling that you are being told what to do or feeling that you are being told what is expected of you. 2
Adele0908 Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 I think as long as you are doing something that makes you happy, then why not? When people judge you they are just projecting anyway. It takes courage to go against the grain. 1
Author Loving_Me Posted June 6, 2013 Author Posted June 6, 2013 I find it happens quiet often for women after a traumatic relationship. they tend to wall themselves off emotionally to avoid any discussions or to avoid encouraging any guy to ask them out. Have you ever had a decent bf? The way you talk, it sounds like not really. No, I haven't.
bafflio Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 No, I haven't. Everything depends on context and circumstances in life and people just loooove generalizing and forming rules and enforcing them to others. The idea of a relationship is that a couple shares feelings, experiences, trusts one another, love and build something beautiful together. Well, that is the idea. But unfortunately not every relationship follows the ideal path in reality. I am not being pessimistic here. Some people may have wonderful relationships. So they may think relationships are nice to be in. But there are also bad ones. Thus one cannot say 'you should be in a relationship because it's great!'. Frankly, what I find inexplicable is those people who aren't even in ideal relationships believe that everyone should be in a relationship, pestering those who aren't. 1
Author Loving_Me Posted June 6, 2013 Author Posted June 6, 2013 Everything depends on context and circumstances in life and people just loooove generalizing and forming rules and enforcing them to others. The idea of a relationship is that a couple shares feelings, experiences, trusts one another, love and build something beautiful together. Well, that is the idea. But unfortunately not every relationship follows the ideal path in reality. I am not being pessimistic here. Some people may have wonderful relationships. So they may think relationships are nice to be in. But there are also bad ones. Thus one cannot say 'you should be in a relationship because it's great!'. Frankly, what I find inexplicable is those people who aren't even in ideal relationships believe that everyone should be in a relationship, pestering those who aren't. I've found that people in abusive relationships or relationships where they are being taken advantage of in some way tend to be the most vehement. I agree with other posters who say it's a case of projection, they want someone else to 'achieve' what they do not have. I've stopped trying to talk to anyone in my life about how I feel about relationships or anything that's personal or important to me. I think it's easier to post here and to keep a journal in order to express myself. On another note, what you said about how relationships should be, is wonderful. And even though I'm not in one, I appreciate what you wrote.
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