For AP/fAP: Physical violence after D-Day

[threelaurels]

Affairs can be dangerous for any party involved. As evidenced by many cases, affairs are the kind of thing people kill over, and any party related to the affair can be a victim or offender (BS, AP, WS, and even the WS & BS's children).

 

Even if it doesn't come to homicide, many APs are at risk of assault/battery when a D-Day occurs. I'm not implying that anything other than a very few BSs become violent toward the AP once discovery happens, but the heated emotions involved in affairs certainly make it a possibility that a BS, perhaps one who is already mentally unstable, will physically lash out at the AP.

 

For current APs, are you ever afraid that the BS will become violent towards you if the affair is discovered? Have you taken any security precautions as a result?

 

For former APs, same questions, only using the past tense.

 

If anyone has experienced physical violence after D-Day, feel free to share your story.

 

Again, this thread is in no way implying that only the BS becomes violent after an affair. There have been plenty of cases where the AP has harmed the BS, the BS has harmed the WS, the WS had harmed the BS or AP, and, unfortunately, where the AP has harmed the BS's children. Plus any other combo you can probably think of.

[MissBee]

I recall once story in which the OW told the BS at a party (although apparently she was under the impression that the MM told her already) and the MM slapped the OW. It was MM on OW violence in that case and not the BS. I remember that story quite vividly, as it was alarming to me and I was even more alarmed that the OW forgave it. I don't care how mad a man is (and in this case, he's a liar, because if the BS knew, why get so mad???), if you raise your hands to me, without me first raising mine to you, and slap me...we are DONE!

 

I wasn't afraid of violence. I think I joked about it once but wasn't actually afraid of it in my former A. We lived in different countries and I didn't see how things would escalate to that level, unless the dday occurred in person while I was visiting him, which I did think about sometimes, but it was more so fear of it being awkward and embarrassing more so than violent. We didn't have a dday though, so things ended without much fanfare and there was no physical violence involved during or after the A.

Edited May 27, 2013 by MissBee

[Praying4Peace]

My H, after the first or second Dday, was so angry he grabbed my wrist, pushed me and once in the middle of a heated fight slammed something down and shattered it. He also kicked me hard in the back once when we were in bed and 'talking'...I guess that was because I wasn't throwing MM under the bus. I was so naive back then!

 

The BW of my exMM was so angry once she ran after him with a large kitchen knife. She also was so upset after one of the Ddays (or I think it was just in general) that she threatened to cut herself. Once, we had to all meet and her arm and wrist was black and blue from where she repeatedly hit him over and over (he told me to look for it, she confirmed it later when she told my exH about it). After that incident he told her he was out of there, calling lawyer the next morning, but she begged for forgiveness and one more chance.

 

Yeah it can be a really bad situation. Especially when the kids can see.

[dubliner]

It takes a certain kind of personality to inflict violence on another person.

My exhusband was that type of personality.

I was the bs, when I found evidence of his affair I took his mobile phone while he slept and confronted him in the morning.

How he lied, but i already had all the evidence and calmly fed him truths. He went into rage, denial, panic, he smashed up the room then choked me until I gave him the phone back.

His neat little compartments were merging into one big nuclear boom and he had no control.

He was always an aggressive, controlling man, but he'd never gone that far before.

[MissBee]

Good topic.

 

When I was dating (what I thought was a separated man, he lied, he was married) he led me to believe, well scratch that, he LIED about many things, one of them being that the stbx was unhinged and had threatened to harm him. There were several stories he told me, later confirmed to be partial truths or great exaggerations of things that she had said or done. So yes, I was afraid, that this woman might hurt me.

 

After the truth came out, it's clear that the the reasons he told me these lies were to keep me from talking to her, should she call or email me. It was all about him covering the lies he had told me and that he had told her about me.

 

He also used the threat of violence on her, in order to keep her from talking to me. He told her, upon their d day, that he had broken my husband and I up, (I wasn't even married) and that my husband was a very mean man, who carried a gun. Total lies!

Thank goodness that in my case, the threat of violence was only lies told by xmm, but it goes without saying that it can and does happen. There are people who are dead, even innocent little children, because of infidelity. That is a fact!

 

SMH

 

Every time I hear stories about your exMM, I die laughing . It's not funny, but it kinda is, in terms of how insane he was, making up massive lies about you I'll never get over him saying you were a drug addict...wtf??!!

[tbf]

As a suggestion, it's probably not a good idea to use fap as an acronym.

[threelaurels]

I recall once story in which the OW told the BS at a party (although apparently she was under the impression that the MM told her already) and the MM slapped the OW. It was MM on OW violence in that case and not the BS. I remember that story quite vividly, as it was alarming to me and I was even more alarmed that the OW forgave it. I don't care how mad a man is (and in this case, he's a liar, because if the BS knew, why get so mad???), if you raise your hands to me, without me first raising mine to you, and slap me...we are DONE!

 

What were the circumstances that led the OW to tell the BS? Even if the BS knows, I can't really imagine why an OW would confront the BW in public if she is still engaging in the affair. I agree with your assessment that the BS probably did not know.

 

When I was dating (what I thought was a separated man, he lied, he was married) he led me to believe, well scratch that, he LIED about many things, one of them being that the stbx was unhinged and had threatened to harm him.

 

This is something I'm curious about. If the MM is telling the OW that the BW is unhinged and the OW believes it, why stay in the affair? Provoking a mentally

unstable person and then placing yourself in the line of fire isn't what I would call a smart move. I'm thinking some OW do not believe they will get caught, but what about the ones who want the MM to leave? I wonder how many OW would say they are willing to die or encounter serious harm for the sake of being with the MM?

 

My H, after the first or second Dday, was so angry he grabbed my wrist, pushed me and once in the middle of a heated fight slammed something down and shattered it. He also kicked me hard in the back once when we were in bed and 'talking'...I guess that was because I wasn't throwing MM under the bus. I was so naive back then!

 

I'm sorry that happened Was this the first time your H was violent with you?

 

 

He was always an aggressive, controlling man, but he'd never gone that far before.

 

I'm glad you're not with him anymore. Domestic violence is never okay.

[threelaurels]

As a suggestion, it's probably not a good idea to use fap as an acronym.

 

Yeah, I didn't realize that until after I had posted the thread... Oh well

[SweetiePie12]

 

For current APs, are you ever afraid that the BS will become violent towards you if the affair is discovered?

 

We discussed this early on as I reminded him what a risk and sacrifice I make to be with him, and he said that actually he thought, if anything, she would go after him, not me. That was little comfort, because I love him!

 

Have you taken any security precautions as a result?

I had some weird stuff happening at my front door (moved welcome mat, etc.), so I clicked "like" on a home surveillance company at Facebook. The prankish & immature antics immediately ceased. Edited May 27, 2013 by SweetiePie12

[threelaurels]

We discussed this early on as I reminded him what a risk and sacrifice I make to be with him, and he said that actually he thought, if anything, she would go after him, not me. That was little comfort, because I love him!

 

Did you tell your man this? What did he say?

 

Nice decoy!

I actually have security and you know what's hilarious? The guys I talked to who did my installation said that the biggest piece of security you actually get with home security systems is the little placard sign that they put in your front lawn. Looks like you might have just proved that!

 

I have heard the same thing. I have zero trust in home security companies though. I have been robbed twice in the past, and one time they kicked down the front door and somehow managed to disable the alarm. The cops said things like this happen more often than you think, and that many alarms are actually fairy easy to disable. I paid for nothing

 

Anyway, because of the robberies, I wanted my new place to be extremely secure. My neighborhood is so big that we have our own police department. You have to go through the cops to get in. Visitors can enter for a $10 fee to go to the restaurants, the lighthouse, or the beach, but they stop letting them in around 10. There are plenty of cameras around, the police do drive-arounds, and I still have a worthless security system anyway. I think the only place I could possibly be safer is in a castle with a drawbridge and a moat.

 

I also have guns in the house and often conceal one when I leave. I'm pretty sure I'm paranoid, but it sure beats dealing with the cops and insurance companies

Edited May 28, 2013 by threelaurels

[Summer Breeze]

I never thought any more about physical violence because of the A. I know it happens but I know from personal experience you can be attacked walking down what you consider to be a perfectly safe street at a perfectly safe time of day. I know it happens but if you look at the fact 50% of Ms are touched by infidelity and there are 3 parties involved who could potentially be violent for different reasons, it doesn't happen often enough to have bothered me.

[findingnemo]

The threat of violence after d-day wasn't so much an issue, as the threat of suffering retribution. I just had no idea what BW would do but expected it to be unpleasant.

[Summer Breeze]

The threat of violence after d-day wasn't so much an issue, as the threat of suffering retribution. I just had no idea what BW would do but expected it to be unpleasant.

 

Funny that I never truly considered it would happen. I'm not the type who would do something like that so didn't really dawn on me someone else might. I am however, the type that if she had done something I would probably have found some way to return the favour.

[cocorico]

 

For current APs, are you ever afraid that the BS will become violent towards you if the affair is discovered? Have you taken any security precautions as a result?

 

For former APs, same questions, only using the past tense.

 

 

The fBW in my case had a history of mental illness, and had previously violently attacked her then-H in front of the kids, before the A. So I was very concerned for his safety when he told her of the A and his intention to leave. Even though she chose not to believe him, he still barricaded his bedroom door after that, until he left.

 

I was not concerned for my own safety. Aside from at that point living in a different country, I was physically fit, well able to defend myself and confident in my surroundings. She could not possibly have come out of it well.

 

After we moved in together, and she was forced to accept the reality of the situation, there were stalkerish incidents of someone entering our home while we were away, fiddling with my underwear, etc and I remain convinced that it is her, but have no incontrovertible proof at this stage. She avoids confrontation, preferring to leave if we ever happen to be in the same place, so I doubt she'd have the balls to do anything while we are around.

[Got it]

Affairs can be dangerous for any party involved. As evidenced by many cases, affairs are the kind of thing people kill over, and any party related to the affair can be a victim or offender (BS, AP, WS, and even the WS & BS's children).

 

Even if it doesn't come to homicide, many APs are at risk of assault/battery when a D-Day occurs. I'm not implying that anything other than a very few BSs become violent toward the AP once discovery happens, but the heated emotions involved in affairs certainly make it a possibility that a BS, perhaps one who is already mentally unstable, will physically lash out at the AP.

 

For current APs, are you ever afraid that the BS will become violent towards you if the affair is discovered? Have you taken any security precautions as a result?

 

For former APs, same questions, only using the past tense.

 

If anyone has experienced physical violence after D-Day, feel free to share your story.

 

Again, this thread is in no way implying that only the BS becomes violent after an affair. There have been plenty of cases where the AP has harmed the BS, the BS has harmed the WS, the WS had harmed the BS or AP, and, unfortunately, where the AP has harmed the BS's children. Plus any other combo you can probably think of.

 

No it was never my concern nor did it come to fruition.

[Got it]

The threat of violence after d-day wasn't so much an issue, as the threat of suffering retribution. I just had no idea what BW would do but expected it to be unpleasant.

 

While this possibility was not lost on me, I weighed each possibility and planned accordingly. She also had an affair that had not been disclosed to all, so there was the evidence of that if things got terribly ugly. But my normal protocol, and what I did do, was no reaction towards her on the few things done and told dMM to handle it. I did retain counsel to make sure I understood my rights.

[findingnemo]

Funny that I never truly considered it would happen. I'm not the type who would do something like that so didn't really dawn on me someone else might. I am however, the type that if she had done something I would probably have found some way to return the favour.

 

Lol! I honestly don't know if BW has it in her to exact revenge on a OW. I just know from stories here that the oddest things happen when an A is discovered. Perhaps I was also projecting since I knew that air it were me, I wouldn't let it go.

[MissBee]

What were the circumstances that led the OW to tell the BS? Even if the BS knows, I can't really imagine why an OW would confront the BW in public if she is still engaging in the affair. I agree with your assessment that the BS probably did not know.

 

I don't remember all the details of this story.

 

I actually don't know. I can't imagine a party would be the right time to do something like that or even bring it up esp. if you believed he already knew.

 

Based on MM's reaction, it seems he thought it was inappropriate and the BS probably didn't know, but his actions were indefensible smh.

[findingnemo]

While this possibility was not lost on me, I weighed each possibility and planned accordingly. She also had an affair that had not been disclosed to all, so there was the evidence of that if things got terribly ugly. But my normal protocol, and what I did do, was no reaction towards her on the few things done and told dMM to handle it. I did retain counsel to make sure I understood my rights.

 

She was hiding an A? Hmmm. Yep, you were prepared.

 

I've always wondered what I'd do if I found out xMM's W was having an A. I'm not sure I would disclose and I'm not sure that if he found out I would encourage him to get a D. Somehow, in my mind, it would make them even. Okay that's OT, your post got me thinking. But a good thread idea!

[Finally Settled]

I suffered at the hands of mm. It wasn't right after d day..but he beat me severely.

 

I hope you notified the authorities and had him prosecuted to the fullest possible extent.

[findingnemo]

So sorry, Smooch.

[stillafool]

When I was in the 3rd grade my best friends brother came home from the army. He was really, really goodlooking. He was in a relationship with a girl who also was also really, really goodlooking before he went in the army. While he was gone the girl married another man. When my friends brother came home he and the girl started having an affair. They were at a cookout and were on the front porch kissing. The husband was hiding in the woods across the road and shot and killed both of them. That was the scariest thing I'd ever heard of and my little friend never seemed to be that happy, playful little girl again. Of course now she has recovered but it took her a long time not to mention the rest of the family. So sad how some affairs end.