smoky eyes Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 I'm faced with the choice of a future with one of two men, and it is a bit the classic "love or money" dilemma. The "money" is my ex-boyfriend of five years, who after realizing he made a number of mistakes leading to our breakup, is determined to make things work. I was never head over heels in love with him, but after so many years, I do love and care for him. He's a good person, he's financially stable, we could have a good life together complete with a lot of travel (which I love). I already know I can live with him. The sex is kind of bad but he certainly loves me and we do a lot of fun things together. The "love" is my new partner, who provides the compatibility and sparkle I feel I'd been missing. I think he'd be a wonderful husband and father, is devoted to me, has glowing reviews from all his friends and acquaintances, etc. We could be the best of friends, the best of lovers, and generally one of those couples who seem pretty perfect. However, I would definitely be the primary earner here, and while I have some earning potential, I don't see I personally making us well off, and it worries me. It's not about having a big house, or car, or anything. I just want a basic level of stability, to provide well for future kids (I'm 29, not desperate, but some time in the future), and to do a bit of what I love. The window for choosing is closing. Any thoughts?
Author smoky eyes Posted May 27, 2013 Author Posted May 27, 2013 Thank you. I know in general it's best to aim for love and respect, I just feel it's not so binary in my situation. I do love the "money" guy... I'm just not IN LOVE with him, and while I adore the other one, I think his money making abilities may improve but I also want to feel like my kids will be reasonably off (not spoiled, but that we can take holidays and stuff, especially since we're from different countries and grandparents would be all over the place, etc.)
CarrieT Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 Do yourself a HUGE favor and don't marry either of them. Seriously - you are talking yourself into "settling" for one or the other and you will always be left questioning your decision and suffering from GIGS. It is possible to have the whole package and it is obvious you just have never experienced it yet. Hold out -- it WILL happen, but only if you are patient and believe it IS possible. And NOT settle... 11
LittleTiger Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 If this is how people choose their life-partner these days (eenie meenie miney mo - oh, this is too difficult - lets see what strangers on the internet say) it's really no wonder there are so many broken marriages! If you want to approach marriage as a business transaction then do so. Marry your ex and remember that being unhappy with certain aspects of the 'deal' is the price you paid for security for your children - that should, hopefully, prevent you from straying when the going gets tough. You don't need to worry about giving up someone you're 'in love' with either. If you were really in love with your current boyfriend you wouldn't be considering the possibility of dumping him in favour of your ex! 8
karnak Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 I'm faced with the choice of a future with one of two men, and it is a bit the classic "love or money" dilemma. The "money" is my ex-boyfriend of five years, who after realizing he made a number of mistakes leading to our breakup, is determined to make things work. I was never head over heels in love with him, but after so many years, I do love and care for him. He's a good person, he's financially stable, we could have a good life together complete with a lot of travel (which I love). I already know I can live with him. The sex is kind of bad but he certainly loves me and we do a lot of fun things together. The "love" is my new partner, who provides the compatibility and sparkle I feel I'd been missing. I think he'd be a wonderful husband and father, is devoted to me, has glowing reviews from all his friends and acquaintances, etc. We could be the best of friends, the best of lovers, and generally one of those couples who seem pretty perfect. However, I would definitely be the primary earner here, and while I have some earning potential, I don't see I personally making us well off, and it worries me. It's not about having a big house, or car, or anything. I just want a basic level of stability, to provide well for future kids (I'm 29, not desperate, but some time in the future), and to do a bit of what I love. The window for choosing is closing. Any thoughts? Sorry, but I don't think you're the kind of person who should marry. EVER You're dealing with human lives and emotions here. Yet you see this as some sort of business transaction or strategy game. You seem a materialistic woman. The kind that always want to be on the winning side of things. Regardless of whoever you marry, as soon as things start to get troublesome, you'll bail out or cheat. I'm pretty certain your "boyfriends" can't see this side of yours. Most women like you hide it from their lovers. Otherwise they'd be labeled as "gold diggers" and worse. 1
Silly_Girl Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 Learn/earn enough to pay your own bills and the decision will be so much simpler 4
Eggplant Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Marrying somebody with whom you are not in love is sad not only because you aren't in love with that person but also because you are no longer ever available to fall in love with anybody, as you will be taken and married. How can you devote yourself to a man body and soul whom you don't madly love? 2
Eggplant Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Are you truly in love with the man you say? Being in love makes you temporarily insane and willing to fight all obstacles. I wonder if you're not merely in deep "like."
edgygirl Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Playing devil's advocate... Why everyone seems to think you should only marry people you are madly in love with? I used to think like that, but I changed my mind. Marriage is more than that and the notion of romantic love is new in history. There are other things that need to be taken into consideration. I understand why some might think OP is a gold digger but... although I do not appreciate gold diggers and am not one by any means, I do think a woman has to make smart decisions in life regarding the earning potential of the guy she marries. I don't think love and marriage is a one size fits all. Different people have different needs. I think OP should not be judged for having different needs and views of what (her) marriage should be. 3
Mr. Lucky Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I think the old expression of "love is better in times of no money than money is in times of no love" applies here. Any financial considerations take a back seat to the need for a deep bond that only love brings. If you're in love, you'll figure the rest of it out... Mr. Lucky 4
Author smoky eyes Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 Sorry, but I don't think you're the kind of person who should marry. EVER You're dealing with human lives and emotions here. Yet you see this as some sort of business transaction or strategy game. You seem a materialistic woman. The kind that always want to be on the winning side of things. Regardless of whoever you marry, as soon as things start to get troublesome, you'll bail out or cheat. I'm pretty certain your "boyfriends" can't see this side of yours. Most women like you hide it from their lovers. Otherwise they'd be labeled as "gold diggers" and worse. I know this is one of those delicate issues where "gold digger" gets thrown around a lot, but I don't think I'm particularly materialistic. I'm happy to rent my whole life, I've never owned or wanted a car, my idea of a great date could be a nice restaurant or could be coffee. I make enough money to cover myself and am fine with that but I don't make enough money to keep a family of four, say, at a reasonable standard. I'm not looking for a sugar daddy, just someone who could pull their own weight. The guy I'm in love with is fantastic, but I just worry if the allure would wear off in 10 years with three kids, me working all the time, and us still not able to afford a holiday. Is that so materialistic? I think it's a fairly common preoccupation of women my age (I obviously wouldn't have cared at 23). 1
Author smoky eyes Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 Do yourself a HUGE favor and don't marry either of them. Seriously - you are talking yourself into "settling" for one or the other and you will always be left questioning your decision and suffering from GIGS. It is possible to have the whole package and it is obvious you just have never experienced it yet. Hold out -- it WILL happen, but only if you are patient and believe it IS possible. And NOT settle... I think those may be my father's thoughts exactly. 1
findingnemo Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 It is wise to consider financial status when deciding to get M. Money problems in the future can lead to great unhappiness. My philosophy is that while money can't buy happiness, it sure can make you comfortable. But it shouldn't really be about money per se. It should be about the potential of the man and his ambition. If the one you are in love with has very good prospects and is a hard worker, you will likely be financially stable in the future. At the same time, if the one with money has a certain risky traits, the odds are he may not have money in the future. Money comes and goes. People inherit money and fail to make more. Others win the lottery and blow it. Many work hard and make money slowly but steadily. The question should be which one will be a good provider emotionally and financially. Which one will be a good H and father and will have your back for the rest of your life. Even those marrying for love shouldn't assume these things come with it. Everybody should make a few calculations before getting into a commitment. 2
karnak Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I guess many people forget that money tends to disappear quite easily. Once you have few or no money, if you don't have feelings, what happens to the marriage, then? (sigh) 1
Els Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Obviously given the question 'money vs love', the answer is fairly simple. But really, that's a poor choice of question, given that the choice really seems to be between a guy with almost no income whom you don't really love, and a guy with a higher income whom you don't really love either. I'm not sure whether you phrased the question poorly on purpose, or not. Plenty of women don't desire to be the primary breadwinner in a M, as in the case of your guy #1. Choosing not to be in such a situation is not the equivalent of 'marrying for money'. Women who genuinely marry for money, set their eyes on a much richer man whom they don't love. 1
Author smoky eyes Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 Obviously given the question 'money vs love', the answer is fairly simple. But really, that's a poor choice of question, given that the choice really seems to be between a guy with almost no income whom you don't really love, and a guy with a higher income whom you don't really love either. I'm not sure why it's been decided that "I don't really love" the poorer guy, except that apparently if I really did I'd be so head over heels that none of this would matter. I do love the poor guy, but I'm also trying not to shoot myself in the foot; being with him will mean a) being the primary breadwinner, b) possibly being borderline poor forever anyway and c) a lot of other headaches like moving him to my country to increase MY gainful employment chances thus going through a lot of red tape and separation and pretty much erasing his chances of getting a good job which I didn't enter into because they didn't seem directly relevant. But thank you for not thinking I'm a gold digger.
dichotomy Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 One is the "best of lovers" The other is "the best provider of money/support" I suspect sooner or later either man you marry will understand your bottom line view of them - either he does not measure up in the bedroom or he does not measure up in the wallet. You might think they won't - but they will figure it out. Please don't do this to these "nice guys". If you are deciding to marry pick someone who is your alpha male all around. You will be happier and your man will feel happier. Also if I may, ask yourself how you stack up as a mate. 1
Pillow Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 According to love languages, there are people out there who have FINANCIAL SECURITY as one of their top love needs. I suppose everyone has forgotten about that. Just like some men have sex as theirs, other's have affection, some people do have financial security as one of their top five.
findingnemo Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I'm not sure why it's been decided that "I don't really love" the poorer guy, except that apparently if I really did I'd be so head over heels that none of this would matter. I do love the poor guy, but I'm also trying not to shoot myself in the foot; being with him will mean a) being the primary breadwinner, b) possibly being borderline poor forever anyway and c) a lot of other headaches like moving him to my country to increase MY gainful employment chances thus going through a lot of red tape and separation and pretty much erasing his chances of getting a good job which I didn't enter into because they didn't seem directly relevant. But thank you for not thinking I'm a gold digger. So the guy#2 is a foreigner? Is he educated? Do you think you'll be the primary breadwinner for a few years at the start or forever? Why do you think you'll be borderline poor forever?
LittleTiger Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 It's been proven over and over and over that love ain't enough. You're right there - but you try making a marriage work without it! Unless of course it's openly a 'marriage of convenience'. There is nothing wrong with somebody choosing to marry for money. Provided they are honest about it and accept what they are giving up......and being honest means the husband knows about the arrangement too. In my book, it's a heinous crime to pretend that you love someone when you don't - if they marry you based on that lie, you're basically stealing their life! It's a pretty safe bet that a woman who marries a man she doesn't love (or lust after) for security will be 'happy' until she approaches middle age and the children are becoming independent. That's when she suddenly forgets the original 'deal' and comes down with a nasty case of GIGS. 2
Author smoky eyes Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 So the guy#2 is a foreigner? Is he educated? Do you think you'll be the primary breadwinner for a few years at the start or forever? Why do you think you'll be borderline poor forever? Both men are foreigners (from the same country, or rather, I'm the foreigner). In the case of the financially stable one, it doesn't matter so much. He wouldn't have too much trouble getting accepted in my country, and due to the financial stability, we could just do whatever in the meantime. In the case of the best lover one, I'd probably have to marry and sponsor him, and while he's one of the smartest and best read people I've ever met, no, technically he's not "educated." "Borderline poor" might be overstating it. I may surprise myself career-wise. I have a masters degree and some experience, but obviously with the current economy.... etc. etc. But yes, I'd see myself as the primary breadwinner more or less for good, which is why I'm nervous.
LittleTiger Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 According to love languages, there are people out there who have FINANCIAL SECURITY as one of their top love needs. I suppose everyone has forgotten about that. Just like some men have sex as theirs, other's have affection, some people do have financial security as one of their top five. Financial security may be high on someone's list of priorities but it certainly isn't one of the five love languages.
Author smoky eyes Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 In my book, it's a heinous crime to pretend that you love someone when you don't - if they marry you based on that lie, you're basically stealing their life! It's a pretty safe bet that a woman who marries a man she doesn't love (or lust after) for security will be 'happy' until she approaches middle age and the children are becoming independent. That's when she suddenly forgets the original 'deal' and comes down with a nasty case of GIGS. Really good perspective, Little Tiger. Thank you! That does sound like the kind of mid-life crisis I might have. Is it a heinous crime if the lie is never revealed though? We were running on this for several years already...
concerned-friend Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Really good perspective, Little Tiger. Thank you! That does sound like the kind of mid-life crisis I might have. Is it a heinous crime if the lie is never revealed though? We were running on this for several years already... It's easy to gloss over things for several years, especially because there's no commitment and no kids. Several decades is different because you'll realize someday that you've lived longer than you have time left and have to decide whether your life has been satisfying enough that you'll happily continue with whoever you're with. However, I believe people can learn to love each other as long as nothing significant is missing. Sometimes it's hard to see what that is though. If there's no sparks so early in the relationship, you need to make sure that's the case. Neither of them sounds perfect at this time. Maybe you can wait.
LittleTiger Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Really good perspective, Little Tiger. Thank you! That does sound like the kind of mid-life crisis I might have. Is it a heinous crime if the lie is never revealed though? We were running on this for several years already... Of course it is! If you marry a man you have 'luke warm' feelings for, but he believes you are in love with him, then you are lying to him and your marriage is therefore a sham. You are also robbing him of the chance to meet someone who genuinely appreciates him for all that he is, someone who will find him wildly sexy and unbeatably special. You are allowing him to walk into a situation which carries a risk he's not even aware of. That is incredibly selfish. Please wait until you meet someone who 'shines' in your eyes - that way you don't need to worry about having a mid life crisis before you've even married them. 3
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