So I'm having a relapse day: Rant Included

May 27, 2013

Maybe it's just the calls I've had over the past 12 hrs, or the lack of food for the past 6, but I am triggering hard today.

I've been getting emails from my STBXW regarding the status of our divorce papers, mortgage papers and separation agreement, so contact has to be there. As much as I dislike it, it's something to be expected.

Issue is this, in one of the emails she said she's almost sick to her stomach thinking of losing the house.

That's what's she sick about. Our house. Not losing her husband. The House.

And I triggered hard after that.

I know I shouldn't and I reminded myself of what she, and the OM, did to me. I even re-read some of their emails, to remind me not to having these emotions for her.

I'm having these irrational thoughts, that, if maybe we met up for a coffee and just talked. Sorted things out. These thoughts despite the fact that she is still seeing her MOM, as well as her new boyfriend who was a close friend of mine, until he started dating her.

I'm already a bit of a downer today, since work hasn't been all 'sunshine and rainbows' and there are only so many traffic fatalities you can handle in a day.

I'm still angry as hell at her. Along with that, I'm hopeful something positive can come out between us. And sad. Just sad.

I'll tell you this, it's a lot easier to cry when you have an SCBA on and bunker gear, because they can't hear or see your face well. And I don't even know why I should cry. Some days I'm great, others I'm a ****ing mess.

She cares about the ****ing house, more than she does me.

I'm so jealous of all of you that have successfully R'd. Despite all the pain you've endured, you still have that person.

Start second guessing my decision to leave.

What if I just stopped being jealous, paranoid. Started being even more attentive to her needs, didn't put so much emphasis on sex (between us), was more sociable with her friends, wanted to party more, wasn't so introverted.

And she always gets back to me with tid bits of her life. How she's started going to the gym, eating better, monitoring her health, making all her doctors appointments.

Why couldn't she do that when I was around? I was always on her about those things, always willing to do all those things with her.

Might just be one of those days I'm feeling sorry for myself.

May 27, 2013

I personally think you made the right decision. If all she is sick about is the house, not the end of a relationship in her life. Then you deserve better than her.

Please don't feel jealous of those of the are in reconciliation. We have to look everyday at the one person that cut us the deepest. We don't get the chance to grieve and move on to something new and fresh. Yes we do have those moments when we are able to fall into someone's arms. But that person is remorseful and attempting to repair the damage they have done. It doesn't sound like your soon to be ex wife is capable of doing that.

HUGS!!!!

May 27, 2013

I suppose I'm jealous that your spouses' felt remorseful, and wanted to repair.

While mine, superficially wanted to. As long as I wasn't angry, resentful and confused. As long as I never brought it up, and acted like it never happened.

May 27, 2013

I suppose I have a serious Jekyl and Hyde personality going on right now.

I want her to be healthy, because she needs to be. I'm happy she's trying.

But I'm so angry she could never try with me, why does she deserve to be healthy NOW, after everything I gave her. After all the patience.

I do still love her, and I doubt I'll ever stop. It'll just turn into a different kind of love I suppose.

Again, she gets everything. She isn't walking away with any consequences. She still has love, from multiple people. Her OM, her new boyfriend. Am I jealous? Yes I am, I worked so hard to help her get to where she is today, with the house, career and such things.

Do I hate her? Some days yes I do. I hate the person I know now. The person I thought she was is dead, and perhaps that's the person I'm in love with and mourn.

I don't want her to be happy. I want her to suffer, I want her to see the devastation she's brought down. I want consequences.

Why does she get to go through her current life, care free and enjoying it.

I'm just angry I suppose, which is to be expected.

I want the best for her, because I'm a compassionate person.

I also want to see her fall from grace and suffer as much as I have/am.

May 27, 2013

I'm certain her life ain't all rainbows and unicorn *******s. She'll get hers soon enough. You, on the other hand can either sit around(with popcorn in hand) and wait for the show or go on with your life! Dude!!! Get out there and live!!!

May 27, 2013

Unfortunately, she sends the emails directly from her School Board email account, right to my department account.

So unless I had the Server Gods for the department screen the emails, not much I can do. Not sure that's kosher with my departments SOG's.

It's just frustrating. I move ahead 2 steps and she sets me back 4.

May 27, 2013

What if I just stopped being jealous, paranoid. Started being even more attentive to her needs, didn't put so much emphasis on sex (between us), was more sociable with her friends, wanted to party more, wasn't so introverted.

You already did A LOT when you were together. Trying to do more wouldn't change anything. If you tried to reconcile, she still would have cheated. Good Lord, she's still with the OM and she's now seeing another person. Your ex is not capable of being in a healthy monogamous relationship.

You're pissed off because you did so much for her and she did nothing but lie and cheat on you. It's not fair. So get her out of your life. Keep pushing forward with the divorce. Know you will have days like this when you have a lot of contact with her. Then, when the divorce is over, block her phone and email. Go 100 percent no contact. Any contact with her will make you feel the way you are right now. Stop worrying about her and focus on you. She does not deserve another second of you time.

May 28, 2013

SmokeRat wrote, " I want the best for her, because I'm a compassionate person. I also want to see her fall from grace and suffer as much as I have/am."

Hey there Smoke, you know, Everything you have written, including the above, show you are perfectly Normal.

Honestly, I think I'd be More concerned if you were Not feeling all the horrible stuff from her A.

Actually, it's people like your stbxw that scare the CR*P out of me. Those who lack the empathy, compassion and ability to take responsibility for the actions/behaviors & choices leave him/her having no conscience. These people are emotionally bankrupt sometimes and try to fill the emptiness w/things like houses, jewelry, men (in your stbxw's stitch) all to make them feel fulfilled regardless of who they hurt to get that feeling of importance.

SmokeRat, the lat thing you want to hear is probably me telling you that in time, things will get better. You will get better. Feel better.

But it's true.

Your stbxw is Not your concern anymore. Let Her work on Herself. And as far as her getting her comeupance... she will. Most times our worst enemy is yourself*

May 28, 2013

It's okay you think that.

It's hurtful.

But it's okay*

May 28, 2013

It's just such a tremendous set back.

Also given that it's becoming an enormous pain in the ass to sell her Engagement and Wedding Band.

I have my parents out there trying to get rid of them for me, so I can recoup some of the $10,000+ dollars I spent on those bloody things.

I'd like to fully move on, but the STBX is dragging her feet. Too busy with the OM and the new BF to get **** finished.

I've yet to hear about a title transfer taking nearly three months, the bank transfer taking three months, and drafting a separation agreement taking three months.

My parents are getting itchy trigger fingers to pull in our family lawyer, and my mother has even been entertaining ideas of taking the STBX is court for fraud, as she accepted all the wedding gifts knowing full well she wasn't interested in me.

Few things actually scare me in life.

One being my STBX's ability to lack all things empathetic and just. And the second is the raging Honey Badger of Doom that is my mother right now.

May 28, 2013

ERRKAY SmokeRat.......

Time for a little intervention.....

Issue is this, in one of the emails she said she's almost sick to her stomach thinking of losing the house.

That's what's she sick about. Our house. Not losing her husband. The House.

I know I shouldn't and I reminded myself of what she, and the OM, did to me. I even re-read some of their emails, to remind me not to having these emotions for her.

This is always a bad idea. It just brings on the flood. NC and LC includes not looking at stimuli that reminds you of them.

She is still seeing her MOM, as well as her new boyfriend who was a close friend of mine, until he started dating her.

I'm still angry as hell at her. Along with that, I'm hopeful something positive can come out between us. And sad. Just sad.

She cares about the ****ing house, more than she does me.

I'm so jealous of all of you that have successfully R'd. Despite all the pain you've endured, you still have that person.

Well, honestly, you could've still had that person too! You know? The person who cares more about the house and is still seeing their MOM and your ex-close friend. Is that really what you want? Is that what you want to be? In line for the affections of your own wife, who treated you like toilet paper.

My H and I are working on a recon. If we are lucky, in 2-5 years this won't taint our marriage so badly. His multiple step-outsides our marriage and how he treated me like toilet paper. Guess what? I STILL don't know if I can handle it, and it's been a long time since he's "acted out" and "randomly left." He's still angry, miserable and we scrap. Do the net costs outweigh the gains? Maybe. But I'll be 110% honest, if I didn't have a kid, I would've been gone eons ago.

The pain is only worth going through if you have something to look forward to at the end of it. With your wife, you had nothing to look forward to because she isn't truly addressing her issues. If she was, she wouldn't be dating multiple guys right now, when the house settlement hasn't even come in yet.

Your infidelity experience is among some of the worst I have read on LS. You weren't just disrespected, rejected and used. You were super-disrespected, super-rejected and super-super-used.

And I have come to know that the worse the experience was, the more it takes from our self-esteem and we "miss" our partner's validation even more. BUT SHE DID THIS TO YOU> she isn't your validator or friend. She isn't your companion. She's a total parasite. And your strength is so sapped right now that you can't see it. You are so relationally wounded that you'll take about anything to fill the gap where the parasite feasted on your flesh. FOR YEARS.

Heal. Just keep healing. Stop reminding yourself about the parasite and how it used to live in you. Stop remembering the experiences you had when the parasite kept you a little warmer from it's own body heat BECAUSE IT WAS SUCKING THE LIFE OUT OF YOU.

When I think of your parasite, I don't see a small, little wormy parasite, I see a creature like ALIEN feasting on chunks of your heart and exploding your life. I haven't even met the woman. By virtue of the internet she might not even exist (hopefully) and I already don't like her. She is so off of my Christmas card list.

And she should be off your's too. No coffee. Unless you are chucking an actual full coffee-pot through her window at 3 a.m. and your tires are screeching before she even has time to react. Let her wonder.

It may be illegal, but IT"S STILL healthier than meeting with this leech. My goodness, she is the type of person where I would hope that her home had gotten demolished before she could claim it. At least she wouldn't send you emails about "being worried about it."

Start second guessing my decision to leave.
What if I just stopped being jealous, paranoid. Started being even more attentive to her needs, didn't put so much emphasis on sex (between us), was more sociable with her friends, wanted to party more, wasn't so introverted.

Here's what would happen: you would resign yourself to a life-sentence with a parasite that would end up eventually crawling out of your lifeless carcass to the next-best host. She would cheat, cheat, cheat and she wouldn't care because she doesn't care NOW and she's had all of the consequences. THE EFFING HOUSE?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?

You would wonder where you would have been if you would've stayed away from her.

Honest to God, I think you would have better luck trying to bring a homeless meth head home for a date. At least you know what you are getting into. I am sure that a random profile on OLD would make a better-quality mate than your STBXW. That's not saying much.

And she always gets back to me with tid bits of her life. How she's started going to the gym, eating better, monitoring her health, making all her doctors appointments.

Why couldn't she do that when I was around? I was always on her about those things, always willing to do all those things with her.

Might just be one of those days I'm feeling sorry for myself.

Why not? Because she doesn't care about anyone but herself. When it came to putting you out, she was neither here nor there. But now she's got herself and her boyfriends to play fantasy tea party with and so she wants to pretend to be "strong, independent woman." What did she care what you had to offer? She had a host. Now she's looking for a replacement, or series or replacements. It seems that anyone will do.

FIND A HUMAN BEING.

May 28, 2013

I suppose I'm jealous that your spouses' felt remorseful, and wanted to repair.

While mine, superficially wanted to. As long as I wasn't angry, resentful and confused. As long as I never brought it up, and acted like it never happened.

Sounds like mine. It took him two years to figure out that he was not the only person on the planet and that he *might've* hurt someone else's feelings.

Long, long journey. I don't think your wife would make the connection for much longer than that.

With the way she blatantly cheats, she lacks an incredible amount of empathy. To the point where I sincerely wonder if she is a sociopath.

May 28, 2013

DoT;

I agree with everything you have said.

I'd honestly like to sit down with all of you at my favorite pub, drink and just talk.

Suppose it is just ghosts of the past haunting me, all the what if's and what could have beens.

I've always had issues letting things go, more so with my work. As I've taken every fire scene very, very seriously and it has been noted that I take injuries/deaths of patients pretty hard.

Suppose that just transferred over to my marriage as well.

I will have to see her in the next week or two, since we have to sign the divorce affidavit. I'm tempted to name the OM in the paperwork, so he and his wife receive a copy of the divorce papers via registered mail. Just so they know, what is going down.

The only good thing coming out of the pending 'meet up', I've been hitting the gym like a ****ing mad man. When I'm on shift, I try and squeeze in a few hours per shift, on my off days I try to fit in 3-4hrs of solid gym time.

Is it superficial? Yea it is, and I'm sure some of you will tell me, that she wont give two ****s how buff and fit I am, but it makes me feel good about myself.

But it's tough, at the end of the day, no matter how ripped I am or how much I can bench (only 25lbs off my current goal), I'm still crawling into bed solo. Bleh.

Oddly enough, I sent her the link to the LS forums for that post about what all WS's should know. Excellent article by the way.

When I asked her if she read it, she said she did but it wasn't the way she wanted to work on the marriage, and she's not willing to become submissive or have her tail between her legs (she much prefers another man's cock =p).

That struck me as odd, because I was giving her something that I thought would help.

May 28, 2013

DoT;

I agree with everything you have said.

I'd honestly like to sit down with all of you at my favorite pub, drink and just talk.

Suppose it is just ghosts of the past haunting me, all the what if's and what could have beens.

I've always had issues letting things go, more so with my work. As I've taken every fire scene very, very seriously and it has been noted that I take injuries/deaths of patients pretty hard.

Suppose that just transferred over to my marriage as well.

I will have to see her in the next week or two, since we have to sign the divorce affidavit. I'm tempted to name the OM in the paperwork, so he and his wife receive a copy of the divorce papers via registered mail. Just so they know, what is going down.

The only good thing coming out of the pending 'meet up', I've been hitting the gym like a ****ing mad man. When I'm on shift, I try and squeeze in a few hours per shift, on my off days I try to fit in 3-4hrs of solid gym time.

Is it superficial? Yea it is, and I'm sure some of you will tell me, that she wont give two ****s how buff and fit I am, but it makes me feel good about myself.

But it's tough, at the end of the day, no matter how ripped I am or how much I can bench (only 25lbs off my current goal), I'm still crawling into bed solo. Bleh.

Oddly enough, I sent her the link to the LS forums for that post about what all WS's should know. Excellent article by the way.

When I asked her if she read it, she said she did but it wasn't the way she wanted to work on the marriage, and she's not willing to become submissive or have her tail between her legs (she much prefers another man's cock =p).

That struck me as odd, because I was giving her something that I thought would help.

I noticed my husband had/has a real fear of being "controlled" in a relationship. But can't assert himself healthily without being aggressive. (It's improving).

When his infidelity was exposed he couldn't even believe when I said "work things out" meant something other than "crush you like the bug you are."

They fear it, big time. Being exposed for their issues, being manipulated, being controlled. EVERY DAY is like a competition to be 3 steps ahead of what you might do to hold them down.

If sex might draw them too close, they'll do it with more than one person so they don't get attached.

Attachment = control

taking responsibility for one's actions = admitting to a fault or weakness=opportunity for someone else to manipulate/control you

every time you push forward, they'll push back because if you get inside their bubble, you'll see what they think they are. They have some serious toxic shame at the bottom of that pool. To the point where it numbs attachment.

You can't reach her. Her walls are taller and thicker then China's. If you were to get in there, she'd just bolt anyway. These are people who have a hard time looking in an accurate mirror. They can't handle what they see. Often their context is so screwed that they just can't even figure out what is staring back at them.

Just know that it isn't normal. And honestly. You couldn't have saved her. You would have needed to get out of her way so that she could save herself. It's one of those things that will hit her harder down the road, if she ever becomes self-aware.

Otherwise, she exists in a world of using people and getting "screwed over" by them. They are like endless vending machines of validation, and when one breaks, it's on to the next. She was about as loyal to you as one would be to a vending machine as well. Until she sees others as people with actual feelings, she'll never be any kind of mate.

May 28, 2013

^ Sounds just like my STBX.

Except she loved to have other people have power over her i.e. OM. He could do no wrong, and was allowed to do whatever he wanted to her.

Me on the other hand, if I even mentioned having her 'go down there' I'd either be physically slapped or laughed at.

It's a weird mirroring of my emotions, that I want her to get better, I want her to continually suffer and never find happiness.

That I want her to be healthy, but at the same time I want her to feel the full brunt of her disease.

For her to find happiness, yet never fully achieve true happiness.

I try and not compare myself to the OM/boyfriend, because that is self defeating.

One is a chemistry/physical ed teacher, who will be in his upper 50's this year, is married with three children and the white picket fence house. He's known as the 'cool' teacher around his school and every girl below grade 12 thinks he's 'Brad Pitt'.

Her boyfriend and my now ex-friend is (and I will admit this), a ****ing genius painter and sketch artist. They work at the same Indigo store (part time), so my gut feeling is they were ****ing while she was still married to me and ****ing the MOM as well.

Both of them fit the bill of Tall, dark and handsome. While I fit the bill of shorter than tall, Irish as all hell, and I suppose people can stand to look at me for extended periods of time without going catatonic.

Mind you, I'm younger than the MOM by a few decades and 1.5 decades than the boyfriend. And I've had no issues when I was out with my STBX and her friends, that they were dropping compliments on me like confetti.

She's broken, I get that. I can't fix her. And part of me thinks she doesn't deserve, or have the right, to be fixed.

And it scares me that I would actually derive some pleasure from finding out in 10 years from now, that's she single, childless and miserable.

May 28, 2013

Cry man. It's the release you need and it's also grieving the loss of your marriage, the life you thought you'd have with your wife. She fooled you, she's a dud. I know you're having a tough time and a bad day, that's to be expected, but don't go rewriting history or hoping that if you'd done this or that, things would have been different. NOTHING you could have done would have changed the fact she is who she is and chances are really high that she would have cheated on you anyway.

I'm having these irrational thoughts, that, if maybe we met up for a coffee and just talked. Sorted things out. These thoughts despite the fact that she is still seeing her MOM, as well as her new boyfriend who was a close friend of mine, until he started dating her.

Does this guys wife know about the A? Sorry I can't remember. If not, it's time she was told. What a shi.t that day is to do this to you, talk about double betrayal. Bad enough she cheated, let alone WITH a friend of yours! Scummy, really scummy.

Yeah next time she emails and is upset about losing the house, tell her to grow up and get over it.

Hope as this week goes along you feel better.

May 28, 2013

SR

I can assure you that your soon to be ex will never be truly content or without dysfunction and drama in her life. She will most likely continue to leave chaos behind her as she plows through one relationship to another.

She's not normal, in the sense that she's oblivious to the destruction she invites and dishes out. No one can save her from herself.

I hope you realize that seeing her true colors is a blessing in disguise and that you are free of her. Imagine if this was 20 years from now, and as a middle aged man having to start over again. You are young and you own your future, leave the past behind and concentrate on living well and honouring yourself.

I promise you that there will come a day when all you feel is indifference about her. As soon as your divorce is final you must adhere to NC and stick to it.

NC and the consistency of it is the surest way and best way to move forward.

May 28, 2013

SmokeRat, you should be on your knees thanking God that you dogged this bullet. Could you imagine going through this with a family? The best thing you can do is become happy, really successful and have a great life, they hate that. I know it kills my ex to know I'll be spending my winters on the Amalfi Coast.

May 28, 2013

It's a weird mirroring of my emotions, that I want her to get better, I want her to continually suffer and never find happiness.

That I want her to be healthy, but at the same time I want her to feel the full brunt of her disease.

For her to find happiness, yet never fully achieve true happiness.

And what do you want for yourself?

Surely not to be wrapped up in this and her for very long.

One thing that spurred me forward in my separation was that I felt that the man I fell in love with had died a long time ago. Four years ago now.

So, I thought about it. Where would I actually be or going to if he had actually died instead of just cheated and gone nuts?

What would that look like? I even made it out in my mind that he had been dead for even longer. Like what would I be doing if it was 10 years, 15? (Although the math was terrible with a three year old at the time, but I am a little weird so I took a deep breath and just thought....frozen sperm and invitro.... whatever works, right?)

If you think of her as dead, that might really slam the futility of the situation into your mind and free you from all of this.

Think of yourself as letting the estate go because you didn't want to be there with all of the memories, like ghosts.

She'll fade eventually.

But seeing her as dead may help spark you into a new direction.

May 28, 2013

That's what's she sick about. Our house. Not losing her husband. The House.

and you want to reconcile with a cheating wife who cares more about the house than you...WHY?!

May 28, 2013

Man I totally get where you coming from. I sti have those great days and then those days where I go back and read the messages between my STBXW and the OM, well actually both of the OM. And I get sad and sometimes I wonder what could I have done different to make things work. But the reality of it is no matter what you do or did she still would've cheated.

I know it hurts knowing the fact the she is sti with the OM and it seems like her life is all peachy while your barely making it day to day. At some point we have to see things for what they are and not what we want them to be. At some point though everything bad thing she does will come around full circle to bite her in the ass. You might not be present to witness it happen, but it will and it could be right now and you will never know it. Just be strong man and know that your not alone in this.

June 5, 2013

Been awhile since I posted to this thread, so I figured an update is in order.

Today, I go to the Paralegal to meet with my STBX to sign off on a bunch of things, and hopefully, her mother will release the death grip she has on my STBX's bank account and I can get paid for a house that I still own, yet can't go in or near, for fear of legal action.

I can say this without an ounce of doubt:

I've walked through, literally, the depths of hell in burning structures and more or less scrapped people off concrete with a giant pizza flipper. Didn't bother me, part of a days work. Mind you I'd have a drink or two when I got home.

Today, I'm going to see the STBX, and I'm terrified. I have to actually see her. And she couldn't care less, since she's getting everything she wanted and has been able to keep her MOM and her new boyfriend.

I'm not looking forward to this meeting at all, because to her, it just seems to be a game where she controls all the pieces. She sent me an email earlier this morning asking me to come in an hour earlier than expected, so I could sign off on the Dog's ownership license and whatnot. She needs the hour earlier so she can get some running around done, and still be early enough for the birthday party she's attending this evening.

The balls this woman has. So instead of just taking one hour off my 24hr Fire Shift, I've had to request 2hrs off, which mean someone from shift D has to come in two hours early to cover for me. Luckily, I play dodge ball with the guys on Shift D, so they are kosher covering me.

I already know that my STBX is going to wear her tightest dress and highest heels just to rub it in my face. As well, I've received more than enough emails from her friends (used to be mutual friends ), that she's doing so much better with out me, and that I was just a 'Crutch Husband', and helped enable her poor health and poor control over her diabetes.

Days like this, I wish the Fire Department had a 'do no respond to/black list' for douche bags.

Going to be a ****ty meeting, and set me back lord knows how much in terms of recovery.

June 5, 2013

I'm not looking forward to this meeting at all, because to her, it just seems to be a game where she controls all the pieces. She sent me an email earlier this morning asking me to come in an hour earlier than expected, so I could sign off on the Dog's ownership license and whatnot. She needs the hour earlier so she can get some running around done, and still be early enough for the birthday party she's attending this evening.

The balls this woman has. So instead of just taking one hour off my 24hr Fire Shift, I've had to request 2hrs off, which mean someone from shift D has to come in two hours early to cover for me.

If it was inconvenient for you to move the meeting, why did you agree to do it? You're allowed to say no.

June 5, 2013

Sounds like a big bullsh*t game to me. The friends are just emailing you out of the blue to tell you that crap. Trying to rub it in and hurt you. Now I see why your ex is friends with these people. They are all sh*t!

Going forward, don't do anything for her that will be inconvenient for you. There is absolutely no reason for you to do so. Think only of yourself first when it comes to her. Don't give her any more control over you.

June 5, 2013

as hard as this realizations is, this woman is not your wife anymore, nor is she your friend. if what you say is true and she's still banging OM, and now your former friend, i suggest NC. let the lawyers deal with it. make it clear to her that you are moving on and don't want to know anything that concerns her.

obviously this woman has some serious issues if she's continuing to see OM and dating your former friend.

STOP THE INSANITY!!! go NC with her. you need to get tough..... c'mon now.

Edited June 5, 2013 by Artie Lang

Sign In

So I'm having a relapse day: Rant Included

Recommended Posts

SmokeRat

underwater2010

SmokeRat

SmokeRat

TobyBoy

SmokeRat

96nole

ComingInHot

ComingInHot

SmokeRat

dreamingoftigers

dreamingoftigers

SmokeRat

dreamingoftigers

SmokeRat

whichwayisup

Furious

aliveagain

dreamingoftigers

BeholdtheMan

xJonnyBlakex

SmokeRat

leonine

96nole

Artie Lang

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...