Do I just get used to it?

[Ruger]

I have never posted here before, but I'm hoping for some light to my situation.

 

I have known him since I was 3 years old...today I'm 28, he is 32.

 

His sister suggested we date, I guess it took him a few months to gather the courage to talk to me/ask me out. He is VERY shy and reserved. Always has been. Even though we have known each other since kids, we all went our ways in life as normal, but always kept in touch here and there. He was scared, fear of my stepdad not approving, etc. He contacted me New Years Eve anyways, we went on a few dates, everything is wonderful. March we went on a weekend trip to the mountains, was great! In April, he asked, and said, knowing his situation (job on call 24/7, working lots of evening, living situation being 1 hour away from me) would I still go steady with him. I said yes. Everytime we manage to find time to get together, which isn't very often, its always great. He is affectionate, funny, has told me at one time I drive him crazy (in a good way) has talked about different things to do, just needing to find the time to do them. (movies, comedy clubs, etc.) We share the same interests.

 

Issue I'm having...not a lot of communication between visits.

 

This is basically a long distance relationship...because of his job really. So...I automatically think we should be talking every couple days...especially with the fact he doesn't text. So...really...all we have is the phone majority of the time. He doesn't call me much. Even when we 1st started dating, it was once a week maybe? Anytime he has called, its been to say he is free to get together. Making plans. The odd time to see how I am. I don't call him everyday, I don't want to bother him while working...crazy hours - driving as much as 13 hours a day - if not more, so sometimes he is sleeping during the day. If I do call him, its every 4 or 5 days or so. I call with fear that if I leave it...he won't call for even longer...or ever LOL

 

This month has been really hard on me...since its still a new relationship...I am learning. He has been non stop on the go with work in and out of the city the past 3 weeks due to shutdowns. It should slow down soon. He was decent with contacting me before this...we were starting to talk almost everyday prior...he hasn't called me once the past 3 weeks...its been all me - in total I've called him 4 times in the 3 weeks...recent one gone to voicemail. My insecurities are there...I'm not showing them to him, but I am having a tough time with them. Fear that his lack of contact is lack of interest. Maybe due to my past. I then think how ridiculous I may sound saying that...a 32 year old man, if he didn't want to be in this relationship, why would he ask. Its just all a circumstance of work. Sure...a 5 min phone call should be easy and decent...I guess my question is...is this something I should be bringing up? or is it too soon to worry about it...that this is something I will need to get used to?

 

When we started dating, we both said we don't play games. So I don't think this is a game thing...maybe more of a "letting work take over too much" thing...

 

I apologize for the novel...but hopefully someone is willing to give feedback - thank you for reading

 

- Ruger

[Adele0908]

To me it looks like he still cares about you and that he is just focused on work.

 

You're getting a bit insecure which happens to everybody, but if you act through your fear, and make decisions through your fear, or call him a bunch of times based on your fear, he can and will sense it, because fear has an energy to it, just like anger or joy or sadness.

 

The reason he only calls with a purpose is because that's normal masculine behavior. Women call to talk on the phone and talk about any and everything, but most guys I know talk on the phone for a purpose, and get off the phone as quickly as possible.

 

But he still calls to check in, just not as often as you would like. I think he still cares and is just focused on work. I would leave him alone for awhile, because there could be some issues at work or some other issue that is taking his attention. Women multi-task, guys usually don't, so if he has something on his mind it will take more of his attention. When he comes back to you, then you can discuss what you want to discuss. But not when he has pulled away, that is the worst time to get clingy and insecure.

[Divasu]

It sounds like he's been keen on spending time with you and his actions demonstrate that. He asked you about 'going steady'. Not everyone can keep up a pace of talking on the phone when you're not together, you're both doing other things whether it be work, friends, family, hobbies, etc. Sometimes men just don't seem to have the same interest in the telephone as women do.

 

Having said that, I think it's okay to mention it. I'd personally be more concerned having not seen in each other in three weeks, because I feel that takes more of an effort versus dialing a phone number (you want to be treated like a GIRLFRIEND, not a "phone friend"). This is a very delicate time, the early stages, so try to relax and keep an open mind because that amount of time apart can definitely drive two people apart if there is not enough quality time spent. It can take some time to work your way into a pattern of talking, seeing each other, etc., and that pattern changes over the course of the relationship. In the meantime, try to focus on other things and keep busy until you can have a proper conversation.

[Cutiepie1976]

When we started dating, we both said we don't play games.

 

He's 32. You're going steady...in other words, you're in a relationship.

 

All relationships require good communication. If the level of communication and interaction is too infrequent to meet your needs, it is on you to bring it to his attention in a productive fashion so that you both can work on an acceptable compromise. It is not okay to let things fester if you want a healthy, successful relationship.

[Ruger]

Thank you for your replies, all very helpful. He called me tonight so I will keep all advice in mind as we move forward

[Divasu]

Thank you for your replies, all very helpful. He called me tonight so I will keep all advice in mind as we move forward

 

What a coinkydinky. Right after you posted this thread?

 

But you're welcome and good luck.

[Ruger]

hahaha pretty much. He always returns my calls or answers so I wasn't surprised.

[todreaminblue]

hahaha pretty much. He always returns my calls or answers so I wasn't surprised.

 

that to me is the biggest sign with a guy if he returns your calls even if they are haha or yep...and you get off the phone two minutes later........that is proof of interest...when a guy doesn't bother to return a call even if its two days or three days later that it is returned...not returned at all.....not good..its disregard..good luck and i am glad he replies to you all the time........deb

[Divasu]

hahaha pretty much. He always returns my calls or answers so I wasn't surprised.

 

Oh... I thought based on your post that it upset you that he hasn't 'initiated' calling in three weeks. I guess you're okay with it, yayyay! (btw, it's okay to have insecurities ). On to the next crisis!

[Galaxias]

It seems like there are several things going on that you're trying to wrap your brain around:

 

-you two were friends for a long time and now you're in a relationship

 

-you're in a LDR

 

-there seems to be some underlying issue with your stepdad

 

 

Those are all issues that can make any new situation more difficult than it might be otherwise, and that's natural.

 

It's also natural that you might want to see him more than once or twice a month, or, failing that, talk to him more than a couple of times a month.

 

Maybe, while remaining true to the going steady thing, you continue your life and your activities and let him just call you when he's available. It might be very difficult at first to distract yourself from the very understandable desire to initiate more contact, but then, when he DID call or contact you, you'd know for certain that he IS interested in you and the relationship.

 

Because, honestly, it really is that simple. If he's interested, he'll find a way to call/contact you no matter what else is going on in his life. If it's just too darned inconvenient, then hey, do what you gotta do.

 

I think it's the only way you'll know for sure, aside from actually asking him straight out and gently and kindly letting him know that while you appreciate how busy he is, and that you understand that the level of contact you have now seems to be ok for him, YOU, personally, would like (whatever it is you'd like). Would there be any way to work out something mutually satisfying?

 

If there's still no additional contact forthcoming, he may indeed be wonderful (just like you), but he may just not be wonderful for you. It's ok if that's the case. It'd just make you more ready for the one who IS wonderful for you.

 

Either way, though, you do have a right to work things out so that you get what you want or need from the relationship, too.

[Ruger]

Oh... I thought based on your post that it upset you that he hasn't 'initiated' calling in three weeks. I guess you're okay with it, yayyay! (btw, it's okay to have insecurities ). On to the next crisis!

 

Oh you are correct, it does bother me a little. He called but it was based on my voicemail prior. But like Deb said, it's interest which I've always known deep down. It's my insecurities that make me think otherwise...almost like I'm LOOKING for the negative haha bad! Thank you for your reply Deb, much appreciated. Galaxias: thanks for your input too, I completely agree...but with reading that...no relationship is perfect and it all needs work. I will definatley keep your advice in mind, I do believe he is right for me though. I have a lot to get used to. Being that we live 1hr away, you dont think of it as a LDR at first...but adding the heavy job to it...reality sinks in haha And if something truly bothers me further on, you are right as well, I have to communicate that. The issue with my stepdad...is silly. But not. He was scared. He has always gone on hunting trips and fishing trips with him and knows how protective my stepdad is of me...he never really knew how much my stepdad respects him today. When I told my stepdad...he was shocked and unsure at 1st, but now...super happy

[Honour]

Awww, that's great to hear! And it's good that you maybe thought about it a bit. It did seem to me that the main thing bothering you is the infrequency with which you see each other, and the fact that he seems to rarely intiate contact (although it seems he's receptive to your contacting him).

 

Should be simple enough to just let him contact you when he's willing/able, and if that's not often enough to your liking, you do have the right to bring that up in a non-confrontational way (as in, you're simply seeking a mutually satisfying resolution). Like maybe THEN ask him if there's anything HE'D like for you to do to facilitate contact.

 

But I honestly think you'll feel better if you have that expressed assurance from him spelled out clearly, rather than trying to extrapolate from a few convos a month.

[Ruger]

Well...I'm not sure if any of you are still following...but I'm a mess.

 

Friday night, my boyfriend called me and said he felt we should stop seeing each other. I am so shocked...I asked him why and he said he feels he has things he wants to accomplish/goals that he needs to focus on right now...he said he felt pressure (from not being able to see me) and he felt we didn't see eye to eye...but heres the thing...I don't believe we had enough time together to see eye to eye on anything yet! I know for a fact he is not seeing anyone else so...hell, HE asked me to be with him. I started to ask for examples on the "eye to eye" thing and he had none. I asked him what he possibly wanted to do that couldn't do with me still in the picture. I told him I was fine with not seeing him often (cause of work) all I wanted was a little more communication..and he hasn't done that till now! He started talking about the pressure part, about how I would ask when I could see him and he never knew...he figured I was expecting marriage and ****, I have never NOT ONCE mentioned that word around him, and he then says "you are asking me what we are" and that was WAY before, he asked me to be his girlfriend AFTER I said that...3 MONTHS AGO. He then said maybe in a couple months we can come back to it and re-evaluate everything...I felt it was silly to break up now and come back to it two months later...asking him if we could just leave it and talk about what we wanted now. But he kept saying he felt we shouldn't see each other...I asked him if he had no feelings for me anymore...he paused and said no. I found that very hard to believe...especially since nothing has changed in the 3 weeks since I have seen him, and we left off on great terms. I can't help but feel like he freaked out...I care about him so much...more so because he is already like family to me. He acted so selfish saying he wanted to spend the 1% of his free time with his friends and having fun this summer. Cause 99% of his time is work. I know he has a lot of issues...he has been extra busy with work and he has been known to be quite miserable..more so the last few weeks...but now I have to pay for it...he gives up on this only 3 months in...yea I know its better now than 6 months from now...but regardless this would have hurt. He asked me to be his girlfriend and now all of the sudden he is done. I expressed to him that I felt us breaking up felt incredibly wrong right now. I asked him what his heart was saying because he kept reffering to his mind...but he had no real answer for me.

 

I haven't eaten in 2 days...I have waves of emotions...if he mentions coming back to things after 2 months...how can he say that if he says he has no feelings left...but then again...how can he not have feelings left at all? Its like this is all a lie, he's freaked out, and is pushing me away. I am just so upset right now...this all felt incredibly right...nothing was wrong...and now he wants to just be miserable and alone. I don't know how to handle this right now...my heart is heavy, I'm tired of crying, and I'm tired. I'm sorry for the rant...I had to get it out...I thought talking to his sister might help, but shes just as confused...she doesn't know what to say (she set us up) we both agree he has messed up big time. But...like I say...he has a history of issues and communication problems...oh and to top this all off...he had to be a few drinks in to break up with me...classy. </3...he's 32 years old and I get...this.

[kazuma]

Hmm sounds like something I did back when I had problems. Not sure if this helps but I had clinical depression (almost all gone now) when I was with my ex.

 

I did what your bf did and broke things off with her. We were in ltr and I saw her 3 times a year. I had a miserable job at the time and worked really long hours. I broke up with her because I felt like I wasnt making her happy, that I couldn't make her happy, and it didn't feel right being together when we had so little contact (I didn't want the ltr to keep her from enjoying life). I only got to see her 3 times a year, whenever I had a rare chance of taking vacation and she was 3 hours ahead timezone wise.

 

I couldn't tell her the real reason because I knew she wouldn't accept it. I really loved her but, instead, i lied and made excuses as to why I was breaking up with her.

 

The outcome was that it was a mistake for me; she ended up with a guy after a few months and seems really happy -- I'm stuck single and not having any luck at all.

Maybe he's doing something similar to me... Sounds like you two need to talk face to face, be open, and honest.

[Ruger]

I would love to have talked about this in person. But he's closed off. If he wants to talk I guess he can contact me later. I can't chase after him...he made this decision. He says I've got a good thing going for me and he's trying to get things going for him. I get he hates his job/home right now...but I accepted him for what it was. Believing in him to make the changes. Not expecting him to lose feelings or break things off so sudden. It was truly selfish...unfair that I had no say/consideration in this decision.

[QforLove]

These aren't situations where you get to have your say. When one person feels a certain way, that's it. Having your say will only drag things out.

 

It sucks but this is the way it happens sometimes. Find a relationship where you want to talk to that special someone whenever possible, and they want to talk to you. If things don't feel right, they aren't right. You'll find that perfect connection. It's out there. Now you get the chance to find it. It's a good day

Edited June 10, 2013 by QforLove

[AverageCat]

Communication goes a long way.

 

Have you ever told him about this needs of yours? Try a very emotionless speech about how you love when he calls you because it makes you feel special. And try some of the calling yourself If it becomes a one way street he might be uncomfortable with it.

 

EDIT: When I first met my gf I was the same. Slowly but steadily I learned how much she loves communication between us daily. I honestly did not see it ever as a big deal, but if she needs it she needs it

[Ruger]

I told him a few times that it would be nice to hear from him, or that I liked hearing from him. It never changed much, there were a couple weeks here and there where he would be good with calling...and then it would stop. Start again...stop. The last 3 weeks, I was the one calling...and it wasn't like I was calling everyday...more so every 4 or 5 days...just to say hi. We would end the conversation with him saying we would talk later...but he would leave days on end...before we broke up...he let 10 days go. Then I called, and this is when it snowballed cause for the first time ever, he never answered or called back that day. So I texted him the next day just seeing where he was...he called, was in a foul mood, I told him it wasn't appreciated, and the next day...all his excuses to break up with me (while he had a few) came up. So thats why I don't understand the pressure part...cause I never made it a big deal if he didn't have an answer as to when I could see him again..it was just a question. I wasn't harrassing him with calls either. I gave space.

 

Before he asked me to go steady, he had a moment of "freaking out" silently one morning because the night before we talked about us...and I mentioned telling my stepdad...he got a little upset (he was nervous to tell him, cause they know each other well) and the next morning he wasn't suppose to leave till 9am for hanging out with the guys...he ended up leaving at 7am...very quiet too. But he came around...now...I don't know.

[Teknoe]

Ruger, first off sorry to hear. Tough situation; I know it hurts.

 

Can I ask about his dating past? Are you his first GF? 3rd? 5th?

 

Can I also ask how intimate you guys were prior to breaking up?

 

His behavior just seems slightly off... although granted he could be a workaholic, but I find it interesting a guy asks to go steady and then just doesn't communicate. Of course, it varies... each guy communicates to varying degrees.

 

It's hard to say really since I don't know him or you.

I just pray it all works out and that you find peace in your heart, with or without him.

[Ruger]

Ruger, first off sorry to hear. Tough situation; I know it hurts.

 

Can I ask about his dating past? Are you his first GF? 3rd? 5th?

 

Can I also ask how intimate you guys were prior to breaking up?

 

His behavior just seems slightly off... although granted he could be a workaholic, but I find it interesting a guy asks to go steady and then just doesn't communicate. Of course, it varies... each guy communicates to varying degrees.

 

It's hard to say really since I don't know him or you.

I just pray it all works out and that you find peace in your heart, with or without him.

 

Based on what I KNOW...I think I'm his 4th GF? As for intimacy...after about the 4th date, which I believe was end of March... (we started talking in January, first date in February, asked to go steady in April) We slept together. It wasn't right off the bat. We made out and controlled ourselves agreeing to behave a little longer till we did end up sleeping together. It wasn't a sudden move, and he was calm about it all then too. Never left, always stayed. Was...cool. If you are asking as like...right before breaking up...we were last intimate about 3 weeks ago before work picked up...that was the last time I saw him. And there was nothing wrong or off about any of it or that whole weekend we spent together.

 

His behaviour is off...I know there is obviously communication issues. Otherwise...yea...no clue.

Edited June 11, 2013 by Ruger

[Ruger]

So...really... I had the time wrong. We were official for only 2 months. Not 3.