pryncessleah Posted October 3, 2004 Posted October 3, 2004 Ok so I guess I need to know if I am out of line for being upset here. My boyfriend and I met and instantly started dating. We clicked really well and it only made sense to move in together (within 3 weeks). Both of us had been single for over a year before we met. Now the problem..... We both were registered with a few of those "dating"sites since we had been single. I, within about a week, had removed my profiles and unsubscribed because I was not single anymore therefore I didn't need to get emails of who is available in my area. He, still 3 months later, has not. He gets these emails and he always said that he just deleted them. Yesterday, I found out that he looks at them to see who is in the area. His excuse was they could be people he knows, he thinks its funny, etc... BUt yet, his picture and profile are still there and unchanged. I try to trust this man. He knows I care deeply about him but he holds his feelings back. Yesterday he said something to me that hurt my feelings. Basically, don't question him about anything because we are not married. To me, that is like... You are good enough to live with, sleep with, and take care of me, but not good enough to know what is going on with me in MY life. I have never let a man talk to me like that, nor do I plan on letting it happen again. I guess I need some understanding in all this?! HEPL ME!!!
toffee Posted October 3, 2004 Posted October 3, 2004 As you said, you felt as though you were no longer single and needing the service of a dating service. On the other hand, your boyfried continues to subscribe to a dating service. Also, you recently found out he views the profiles to see if any of them are in the area. He states he might know some of them. I believe he continues to subscribe to the dating service because he's still looking. Might be wrong. But, it sounds feasible. If he's content, why would he continue to subscribe to a dating service. Why is it important to know if he knows those who match him. He's still looking! God bless you in this!
Author pryncessleah Posted October 3, 2004 Author Posted October 3, 2004 He isn't a paying memeber but he still gets emails from about 3-5 sites each week, telling him the matches in the area. I just don't know what to do. I moved all the way from Ohio to live here and be with him and now look at me. I feel like a fool sometimes. He makes it like it is my fault to be jealous but he shouldnt need those emails, right?
toffee Posted October 3, 2004 Posted October 3, 2004 Originally posted by pryncessleah He isn't a paying memeber but he still gets emails from about 3-5 sites each week, telling him the matches in the area. I just don't know what to do. I moved all the way from Ohio to live here and be with him and now look at me. I feel like a fool sometimes. He makes it like it is my fault to be jealous but he shouldnt need those emails, right? Whether he's a paying member or not has nothing to do with the trust issue. I don't feel like it's your fault that you're jealous. If he gave you a reason to trust him, you wouldn't be jealous. Personally, I don't see why he needs the emails. But, maybe there's nothing to it. I don't know. However, I believe you should follow your heart, and your gut feeling. If more of us who are involved in relaitonships would pray more, we'd have less problems. Always know that God cares (even about your relationships). Blessings!
Merin Posted October 3, 2004 Posted October 3, 2004 Originally posted by pryncessleah Ok so I guess I need to know if I am out of line for being upset here. My boyfriend and I met and instantly started dating. We clicked really well and it only made sense to move in together (within 3 weeks). Both of us had been single for over a year before we met. Now the problem..... We both were registered with a few of those "dating"sites since we had been single. I, within about a week, had removed my profiles and unsubscribed because I was not single anymore therefore I didn't need to get emails of who is available in my area. He, still 3 months later, has not. He gets these emails and he always said that he just deleted them. Yesterday, I found out that he looks at them to see who is in the area. His excuse was they could be people he knows, he thinks its funny, etc... BUt yet, his picture and profile are still there and unchanged. I try to trust this man. He knows I care deeply about him but he holds his feelings back. Yesterday he said something to me that hurt my feelings. Basically, don't question him about anything because we are not married. To me, that is like... You are good enough to live with, sleep with, and take care of me, but not good enough to know what is going on with me in MY life. I have never let a man talk to me like that, nor do I plan on letting it happen again. I guess I need some understanding in all this?! HEPL ME!!! Well I can understand why you're upset regarding him still being enrolled in single sites... but I must say that after knowing one another for only 3 weeks, and you moved to another state and moved right in with him... probably not the best decision. It takes time to get to know someone regardless of how well you click or get along in the start of a relationship... Had you taken more time to get to know him before moving in, you probably would've found out what his thoughts or feeling were on "committment" and known that as far as he was concerend if he isn't married then he isn't accountable or responsible to you for his behaviour.
toffee Posted October 3, 2004 Posted October 3, 2004 i thought moving in with him after knowing him for only 3 weeks was premature as well. 3 weeks isn't enough time to really get to know someone. but, you've done it. now you have to deal with the situation you're in. know that you have my sympathy. best of luck!
tokyo Posted October 3, 2004 Posted October 3, 2004 I think you rushed into something. And he´s not ready for a close relationship with you. He´s looking, because he feels pressurized and suffocated and he´s doubting that you´re the one for him. I wouldn´t be surprised if he in general is a bit commitment phobic. I also think you have started to invest quite a lot of emotions and don´t get that much back. Sometimes it´s great and sometimes you feel lonely. I´m just making guesses here. I´ve done worse than you, that wasn´t three weeks, but kind of three days, day and night. The whole situation was weird and stressful. I think there were similar signs as in your case, after a while he started holding his feelings back and I got nervous. It was too much in too little time, too much emotions, too much pressure, too many bad experiences, too much fear, too much everything. If I was you I would talk with him about your moving together, that maybe it was too early and that you would like to back off, thus you will give him time to think about you and his feelings for you. You might be tremendously in love with him (I assume that, as you moved in so quickly), but be sensible, if you put pressure on him because of all the emails, etc. he will retreat. I think rather making the decision to stay with you and commit to you and give up looking for better matches and all the fun, he will prefer to leave you and look for someone else. I don´t like playing games at all, but recently I thought, you must let them chase after you a bit in the beginning, otherwise they will not appreciate it. It´s him who must want to come to you. Back off a little and give him the chance to decide for you.
Quicksilver Posted October 4, 2004 Posted October 4, 2004 Sign back up to the dating service. See if he likes it when the tables are turned. You can also view available men. I would be upset with that also. Keep looking yourself. It is premature to move in with someone that soon MOVE OUT....... If he wants you he needs to stop making you have doubts. You will always have doubt as long as he is viewing the dating service. Find someone who is into you only.
Author pryncessleah Posted October 5, 2004 Author Posted October 5, 2004 So I have not signed up for dating services. I don't play his games. He isn't much of a communicator about his feelings so sitting down and talking would have to be forced (think chair, rope, duct tape). I DID write him a nice email explaining that he is way different then the man that swept me off my feet. I also used the "too much emotions, too much fear,too fast" line from someones post and I think he got my drift. Today, he is like he was when we first got together-- Cuddly, NICE, not an a$$ I stressed to him that I am not out to hurt him, lie, cheat, steal, blah blah blah. We all know that moving in together with ANYONE after 3 weeks isn't good. We also all know that sometimes when you meet someone, within the first like 24 hours.... You just know its a good thing. Wish me luck! Anymore advice is greatly accepted. And if he acts up again, you will here about it here FIRST. Thanks guys and gals!!!
tokyo Posted October 5, 2004 Posted October 5, 2004 That´s cool that you made it I wish I had known this forum when I had problems....
Papillon Posted October 5, 2004 Posted October 5, 2004 I think you worry too much. Does the dating site have a chat forum? Chances are he's made some friends online. I mean, really...being suspicious is one thing, but if it's with an electronic thing with no substance and no one to point a finger at? C'mawn. I constantly get email about how to enlarge my penis and so on, does not mean I need to have my penis enlarged. See my point?
tokyo Posted October 5, 2004 Posted October 5, 2004 Coming from a guy who fell madly in love with some woman on the internet.... yeah.....
Papillon Posted October 5, 2004 Posted October 5, 2004 It's a fuzzy logic match thrown up by an algorithm. It's not a flesh and blood person who is influencing the boyfriend. It's NOTHING, there is nothing. It's paranoia about what COULD happen. It all comes down to pryncessleah's insecurity. And kooky, it's not even remotely comparable to talking with a real, live person on the net, who interacts with you on an emotional level.
tokyo Posted October 5, 2004 Posted October 5, 2004 Ok, I think I got lost a bit. Is he interacting with people on the internet or not? If there´s a chat room, there´s interaction. And if he found someone who matches his profile and he starts contacting her? That´s still ok? Do you go out alone in bars when you have a girlfriend, just to make new friends or to see what´s still in the game field?
niko1999 Posted October 5, 2004 Posted October 5, 2004 Papillio, you kind of opened up my eyes to something different. My boyfreind has had a match.com account since we met. And though shortly after we really became serious, he stopped paying for the account, he still has it and still goes on it. But he doesnt contact the people(or so he says, and I really have no choice but to believe him), so he has no interaction with them. But at the same time, he occasionally downloads porn, both pictures and films on kazaa. And that doesnt bother me. there is no interaction. So if there really is no interaction between him and these girls online, it really isnt too much further off than him looking at porn. Becuase hes just looking, not talking. Ok, so maybe I just justified all his behavior, but Papillion, you kind of made me look at it from a different prospective.
SoleMate Posted October 7, 2004 Posted October 7, 2004 After knowing him only THREE WEEKS, you moved to a different state to LIVE with him? ???? That's your problem right there. You didn't get a chance to know him - for instance, to learn whether he is the type that will keep looking for another woman even when he already has one living with him. Now you know. I hope you can get your old life back.
girl_in_nyc Posted October 8, 2004 Posted October 8, 2004 I posted under "Found bf's "single" profile online" under the jealousy/cheating forum. ugh.
dizi Posted October 9, 2004 Posted October 9, 2004 I'm tired, so maybe I don't have all the info correct-but after only knowing him 3 weeks you moved to another state to be with him.......and he still has personal ads. If he loves you he won't miss having his profile up, will he? Ask him. If he needs them to satisfy his ego, you've made a grand mistake and need to try to get your life back, as solemate says. You are supposed to be his one and only, and this is how he shows it? What a jerk for making you feel like this : "He makes it like it is my fault to be jealous but he shouldn't need those emails, right?" Of course, you are the only one who can control your emotions, but who can blame you for being jealous? You went to another state to be with this person. He shouldn't "need" these emails. You ARE right. Please tell me that you would have a way back "home" if it came down to having to leave...
Author pryncessleah Posted October 11, 2004 Author Posted October 11, 2004 ok so... We had a talk and I told him why it upsets me and how much it hurts me. He has come around, for now. WHen he gets the emails from dating sites he has me help UNsubscribe him and remove his profile. That was his big excuse as to why he was still there. Things are getting much better. The fighting has been very NON existant since we really talked. Understanding each other is key and we are starting to do that And about my moving after 3 weeks.... I was already moving down here and I met him on one of my trips down South. We clicked and to us it made more sense to live together then to pay rent on 2 places when we would be at the others house everyday. I am a logical person and maybe this wasn't the best choice I made in my life but... I do not regreat it. Everything in life does really happen for a reason. Thanks to everyone on here and good luck in love.
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