all_cats_rgray Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 So its been a year, since my seven year relationship ended. And the bright person that I am, creeped his facebook. Front row and center is a loving photo of him and his new girlfriend. He met his new girlfriend a month after we broke up, and they are going strong. I didn't think I could be replaced so easily. I, guess I have gotten better. Its just odd to see how moved on he is. And well, I'm not. It hurts to see that I am nothing to him now..his words. "well we had a great time" A year... I still stuck here. In so much pain. Please don't tell me I should be doing better by now. I KNOW THIS. I feel like im stuck in a Shakespeare play. How can I love someone so much, that does not care for me. I don't know what to do anymore.
KPChick000 Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 I know what you're going through. My ex and I broke up four months ago and he is now seeing someone else. I did the same thing this weekend by looking on fb. Saw things that hurt a lot. Still hurting right now. I wonder the same things- how he could have moved on already; how he is seemingly living his happy life while I am still stuck; how I was easily "replaced". My only advice is the one to myself too: Don't torture yourself by looking up things. It really kills the momentum we have built by maintaining no contact. Everyone takes their own time to grieve and there is no timetable, so don't worry about that. But, try not to do things that will slow down the process (fb).
McGriff Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 I'm sorry for your pain...I too am dealing with heartache going on 3 months now, so I can imagine a year is just frustrating. One thing I was thinking when I read your post, is the fact that he entered a new RS one month after your LTR. That's just not something I can comprehend. I mean I dated my ex for only six months, and while I've gone out on dates since the BU, there is no way I could enter a new RS yet. I know everyone is different, but that seems to say one of three things---(1) he had checked out of your relationship long before your BU, and was already "over you", or (2) he was trying to get over you by immediately seeing someone else, and it "stuck" (which is rare), or (3) he is the luckiest SOB ever to find a new, healthy relationship only a month out of his old one. I know it sucks for you, but I'm skeptical of whether he's that happy. I hope you find happiness soon!
siankat Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 Hun, i am so sorry you are feeling this way Have you made any big changes to your life in the last year? Do people things and places still remind you of him?
ConfusedT Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 There is no amount of time that things can be fixed in! It's ok that he's moved on, because at some point, you will too! and you will see why you and him didn't work out. Stop looking at the past as being negative, see it as positive, that him letting you go actually set you on your path for a new life. You dont need him to be happy, you just need to be happy. A man cant do that, trust me, i've tried for years and I'm stuck in the same spot. Broken hearts are the hardest to fix, but they will. Have you tried dating??
Author all_cats_rgray Posted May 29, 2013 Author Posted May 29, 2013 I went to my therapist with this question. She's also a marriage councilor. Basically she's my go to person, and i believe anything she says. I tell her; "how can my ex still be with his rebound, it's been a year and he met her a month after BU" Her; " Yep, and he could marry the band-aid. But in the end it won't work out. The foundation of every relationship is important. It you build a relationship shaky ground, its only a matter of presser and demands till in falls" "Regardless this has nothing to do with you..." I try to trust her, I bet she's right... And regardless this has nothing to do with me.
Leigh 87 Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 She may be the love of his life. It helps me to recite facts: - what my ex does is of no concern to me - ignorance is bliss until the indifference stage kicks in; at which point you will not care who he is with or how in love he is - I have not reached that stage as yet so it is crucial that I DO NOT break No Contact and attempt to look at his life in any way; no facebook, texting, calling, or asking mutual friends what is going on with him. Avoid his friends and family at all costs. - Know that time will heal, but you have to honestly act like he your never going to see or hear from him again - know that if you feel the pain, go through the grieving, and totally cut him and anyone who knows him out of your life for long enough - you will be indifferent to him and his actions.
siankat Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 the fact you are a year on asking a therapist 'how come he is still with his rebound' speaks volumes to the fact that your mentality is that of someone, who is in the process of going through a breakup. If you are asking this question now, you are trying to understand and label something you can never understand, and cannot put a label on. You have to accept you will not have the answer to your question, ever. All you can go on are facts, you two are not together and you have to live like you never will be again as you cannot, especially under these circumstances, 'lay in wait' for him. Your pain seems to stem at this point from rejection. It is just astonishing how many (not all) people on here say; - why did he leave me for her when i have x,y,z - all my future plans now shot to pieces cos he no longer wants me - i can't stand the thought of him with someone else - how can he forget about me so quickly -did he ever care - - The list goes on. The reason i find these comments so astonishing is because none of them relate to the person posting, actually saying, 'i valued xyz about them and it's going to hurt that i dont have that in my life now' 'im going to miss the way he/she ...' 'it kills me that she/he is not there in the morning waking me up with a kiss' A LOT of the focus always seems to be on feelings of rejection, jealousy, outside validation, comparison, and when you think about it, what does that have to do with the ex and 'your love'? So if you find yourself at this point you need to stop looking at THEM for answers to YOUR problems. 4
Leigh 87 Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 - if what he is feeling towards a new women upsets you then you have a long way to go - your aim is to stop caring who he is with, how much he loves her or not, and generally just lose all interest to know what is going on in his life - never contacting him again is the only way to move on. Any contact will only keep your feelings for him alive, EVEN if you lose the hope to get back together with him. The hurt and pain will remain as long as you remain in any contact with him, which includes social media stalking. - No Contact even means eliminating all his friends from your life. You are not ready to hear what they have to say about him by the sounds of things. Your not indifferent yet. ............................. I am speaking true, hard facts here. I am desperately hoping that regular therapy, sticking to strict no contact, and dealing with any thought I have of my ex effectively, will lead to a pain free life. The pain we are feeling CAN dissipate and go away within months if we are strong enough to go about things the right way! I AM SO sorry you are hurting, I would be devastated if I saw my ex with another women at this stage, therefore ignorance is my best friend. ..........................
siankat Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 So its been a year, since my seven year relationship ended. And the bright person that I am, creeped his facebook. Front row and center is a loving photo of him and his new girlfriend. He met his new girlfriend a month after we broke up, and they are going strong. I didn't think I could be replaced so easily. I, guess I have gotten better. Its just odd to see how moved on he is. And well, I'm not. It hurts to see that I am nothing to him now..his words. "well we had a great time" A year... I still stuck here. In so much pain. Please don't tell me I should be doing better by now. I KNOW THIS. I feel like im stuck in a Shakespeare play. How can I love someone so much, that does not care for me. I don't know what to do anymore. This!!! Guess what, you are in luck, because YOU can fix this. That feeling is rooted in your self worth being attached permanently to this mans rejection of you. It has nothing to do with him directly and everything to do with you having a healthy relationship with yourself.
Leigh 87 Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 the fact you are a year on asking a therapist 'how come he is still with his rebound' speaks volumes to the fact that your mentality is that of someone, who is in the process of going through a breakup. If you are asking this question now, you are trying to understand and label something you can never understand, and cannot put a label on. You have to accept you will not have the answer to your question, ever. All you can go on are facts, you two are not together and you have to live like you never will be again as you cannot, especially under these circumstances, 'lay in wait' for him. Your pain seems to stem at this point from rejection. It is just astonishing how many (not all) people on here say; - why did he leave me for her when i have x,y,z - all my future plans now shot to pieces cos he no longer wants me - i can't stand the thought of him with someone else - how can he forget about me so quickly -did he ever care - - The list goes on. The reason i find these comments so astonishing is because none of them relate to the person posting, actually saying, 'i valued xyz about them and it's going to hurt that i dont have that in my life now' 'im going to miss the way he/she ...' 'it kills me that she/he is not there in the morning waking me up with a kiss' A LOT of the focus always seems to be on feelings of rejection, jealousy, outside validation, comparison, and when you think about it, what does that have to do with the ex and 'your love'? So if you find yourself at this point you need to stop looking at THEM for answers to YOUR problems. Personally, I am missing just having my ex and everything about HIM. I can see myself looking back with a bittersweet feeling within months if I cut him out entirely. I cannot really comprehend not caring about him with another women at his stage, or anytime soon though..... I have no idea the stages of grief, however; getting okay with missing him? I can se myself doing that. Being okay with him being with a new lover? NOT OKAY for a very long time. I guess ignorance is crucial until you reach the indifference stage. Right now I miss waking up and going to sleep with my ex more than anything.
Leigh 87 Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 Regarding rejection.. This is what helps me. It may or may not help the OP: I tell myself THESE facts: - it does not matter how fabulous I am; not all men are going to fall in love with me - beautiful and fabulous people get rejected by men who simply cannot fall in love with them - we had a very loving and special time together, but I just wasn't the one for him -my ex was sexually attracted to me and I was enough for him on a personal and physical level, but he cannot change that he did not think I was the "one" that he wanted to marry and stick by through anything. ......... OP - I sure as hell feel bad that I was not the one for my ex. It KILLS me. Really. I do not think it is because I was not good enough or not pretty or awesome enough. He simply lacked the feelings for me, in order to stay forever. It happens every day. To very successful and beautiful women. Please, your worth much more than ONE man who did not stay in love with you.
amaysngrace Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 You feel what you feel. But it's a little bit silly to keep thinking about him when he's not thinking about you. He's not all that special if he can just jump from one relationship into another. Why do you spend so much energy thinking about someone who isn't even all that special? You know what? It's been a year. Take whatever money you would have spent on him for his birthday and Christmas presents and go get a new haircut or a new outfit. Then grab a friend and grab a drink looking new and fresh. He's not worth it so stop thinking that he is. And go live your life. 1
BustedUpInside Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 So its been a year, since my seven year relationship ended. And the bright person that I am, creeped his facebook. Front row and center is a loving photo of him and his new girlfriend. He met his new girlfriend a month after we broke up, and they are going strong. I didn't think I could be replaced so easily. I, guess I have gotten better. Its just odd to see how moved on he is. And well, I'm not. It hurts to see that I am nothing to him now..his words. "well we had a great time" A year... I still stuck here. In so much pain. Please don't tell me I should be doing better by now. I KNOW THIS. I feel like im stuck in a Shakespeare play. How can I love someone so much, that does not care for me. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't think anyone would tell you that you should be better by now. Personally, I am surprised that you are even doing as well as you are. I am going to be brutally honest here, but I really don't want to hurt your feelings because I know how hard it must have been for you to see those things on Facebook. You are not going to get better. That is, it will be impossible for you to fully move on until you acknowledge and take responsibility for your situation. You have allowed your self worth and self esteem to be completely reliant on how your ex thinks about you. Whatever he says about your relationship has become a direct reflection of how good or bad your life is. If he seems happy in a new relationship then somehow that becomes a testimonial to how little he must have cared about you. Did you ever consider that, despite the fact that you two weren't able to sustain a relationship, that the very reason he is able to love someone new is because you taught him how to be a more loving person? That the break up wasn't a deliberate attempt to ruin your life but actually a loving gesture. Something that he felt he had to do in order to give you both the best chance at future happiness. I know it hurts. I really get that. I am currently in the process of separating my feelings and putting myself back together. Some things that i keep in mind when I start to get upset about my ex possibly moving on: 1. My self esteem is not dependent on what he is doing. We are separate people. I tell myself how good I am. If there are things that need to be fixed, I will fix them or not, but no one can tell me if I am worthy. I am the only one to make that judgment. 2. Whatever my ex is doing is not a competition. Facebook, twitter, tumblr, etc is not reality. Nobody every puts statuses about the days that they spend crying, not going to the gym, and then eating a pint of ice cream in front of the tv. They only put the happy pretty photos and statuses. So, I am competing with an illusion and therefore I can never win. It is better to compete with myself. Am I better than yesterday? Can I be better tomorrow? What can I accomplish by next week? 3. Just because my ex is in a new relationship it doesn't mean that he didn't value our time together. Relationships break up for a variety of different reasons. Maybe he thinks it was my fault, maybe he doesn't. Maybe it was his fault, maybe it wasn't. It doesn't matter now because I am heading towards the future. I can occasionally look back fondly or with some irritation, but my main focus is on how to improve my own life. 4. If I spend all my time thinking about him and what he is doing, and he spends all of his time thinking about what he is doing, then who is left to wonder and care about me? Hopefully these help you too, because you really do deserve to have a better life than wondering "what if" all the time. Instead, you could be wondering "what next" and then making it happen
J_L_C Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 I went to my therapist with this question. She's also a marriage councilor. Basically she's my go to person, and i believe anything she says. I tell her; "how can my ex still be with his rebound, it's been a year and he met her a month after BU" Her; " Yep, and he could marry the band-aid. But in the end it won't work out. The foundation of every relationship is important. It you build a relationship shaky ground, its only a matter of presser and demands till in falls" "Regardless this has nothing to do with you..." I try to trust her, I bet she's right... And regardless this has nothing to do with me. I'm curious to know what your therapist says about you still being hung up on him a year later? I'm curious because its been 10 months for me and I can relate 100% to what you're saying. I'm approaching the one year mark soon too and haven't made much progress.
amaysngrace Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 I'm curious to know what your therapist says about you still being hung up on him a year later? I'm curious because its been 10 months for me and I can relate 100% to what you're saying. I'm approaching the one year mark soon too and haven't made much progress. I hate to say but you should see a therapist too. What a waste of a year. What are you doing to help yourself? Just hanging out in the break up forum and getting second hand counseling from posters here? Not to be mean to you or to cats are gay but is it any wonder why you broke up? Strong men like strong women. Not emotional wrecks. 1
imconfused101 Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 Hi ladies, I hope I can help a bit as a man who dated a man for 4 years as my first love (if you dont like for who I'm well, sorry you cant change me) I know how you all feel, it really sucks doesn't? I broke up with my ex last year in 3/31/12, it was the night before I had my CPA exam, yeah I failed, I trashed 2 months of my study but I passed the next one with 98...and even worst it was 5 day before my birthday. I felt like the most unlucky person. Until now, I still feeling up and down especially on the weekend when I didnt have much stuff going on. which is why im still here looking for support but i'm fine now. these are suggestions based on my experience: If you have money go on travel (don't have to be europe, in my case i went to canada since it's cheap and closed) I went there alone with motivation that I can be independent and excited for my own adventure. While you go there keeping yourself busy, explore as much as you can. Take pictures (I asked stranger and it was interesting that I ended up talking with them and went to grab a drink), say something funny on your fb status about people, or what ever you see. your friend will see how independent you are and likes your pics. etc. BE happy dont think about your ex at all. IT will much better if you go there with your best friend. this way will gain your confidence that you can be happy to be alone... on your daily basis, if you have job put more your focus on it, take more projects to keep you busy i know it's kinda suck but there's a good cause behind it. I actually made it to senior position within a year. I used to tell my ex about the dream job and position that i wanted. now, I got it my friend told him about this and he couldnt believe, yes of course because i make more than him now. Go out with your friends and talk about hot guys that you see in the bar or mall. and try to date a bit. Even you might think you cant replace him, well go out with a new guy for dinner just make new friend doesnt hurt right? for Girls, window shopping makes you feel better! trust me, I dont like to spend much money on my clothes, but buying sales stuff doesnt hurt. Even just walking around the outlets for day and trying stuff that make you look better..it's actually fun. this help to gain your confidence that you are actually good looking and will find the right person. if you have nothing to do at home, listen to music. watch tv show marathon (dont listen or watch to something that make you feel worse) listen to Katy perry, she has lot of songs that to keep you strong for being alone...christina perri- jar of heart...Rascal Flatts- I'm moving on...listen to the lyrics they actually make you think that you are rejecting them...make you feel better. Also keep in mind, each of us has something unique inside us that nobody has. in this case, for him. I'm a very good problem solver in any situation, i know how to make things work and how to deal with people. He's very weak on those. he always called me for advices when he has emergency. I always think this way, he can find and date a guy much hotter than me, smarter than me, anything better than me. But, he should know that there's only one K(my initial) and no one can in this world can replace me cause I'm created to be unique. If he doesn't want me anymore is his lost and good luck with all his struggle... So far these work for me, although sometimes I still hit the wall but at least i know how to co op with my feelings. Trust me, if you are able to show them that you dont care they will try to crawling back to you. in this case, you need to know how to reject because all they do just giving up mixed signal. and Dont give too much information! if they started asking with who? or when? answer: with friends, and maybe, i dont know. just keep it sweet... I hope my advices would help...sorry if it's too long or bit confusing. i would be happy to reply...keep in mind, BE HAPPY!!!!! 1
J_L_C Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 I hate to say but you should see a therapist too. What a waste of a year. What are you doing to help yourself? Just hanging out in the break up forum and getting second hand counseling from posters here? Not to be mean to you or to cats are gay but is it any wonder why you broke up? Strong men like strong women. Not emotional wrecks. Have you checked out my thread? Sherlock Holmes Couldn't Figure This Out is what it's under. 1
Leigh 87 Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 I just look at things from a factual and logical perspective. -you and your ex want to date and find the right person and end up totally happy ever after - it is hard to find a person that is a good fit for you in every way and who you are also deeply in love with and also feels the same way about you - even with the ideal person for you, where there is mutual love and respect; there are still personal issues that can hinder the relationship from progressing ....................... - It IS HARD to find the right person - it is inevitable not all relationships will work no matter how awesome you are - so you move on and totally forget about the last person since there are MANY other guys out there. .................... Those are the series of events that will and should happen. For reasons though, your not letting things progress. You found love, it didn't work, and you still care that it didn't work a year later. ................... I think you need professional help. After a year your doing very well, you went through a lot and you are still alive and enjoying life to some extent. You still have some work to do though, and I do not think that you necessarily have the ability to deal with your thoughts and feelings in a productive way .................. Always remember that people break up every day, some people that were in very serious and loving relationship. Like I was in. People don't work out with the one partner, so they move on to the next person they happen to really like!
amaysngrace Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 Have you checked out my thread? Sherlock Holmes Couldn't Figure This Out is what it's under. I just did and read what you wrote. He's a tool. All he cares about is himself and you're wasting your time trying to figure out how he could do that. If you care about him so much and he cares about him so much then who is caring about you?? You need to stop thinking about him. Like yesterday. Go take a hot bubble bath, meditate, drink hot tea, get your toes done....something, anything to start caring more about yourself than you care about him. It serves you no purpose to think about him. None.
siankat Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 I hate to say but you should see a therapist too. What a waste of a year. What are you doing to help yourself? Just hanging out in the break up forum and getting second hand counseling from posters here? Not to be mean to you or to cats are gay but is it any wonder why you broke up? Strong men like strong women. Not emotional wrecks. Typo?
Author all_cats_rgray Posted May 29, 2013 Author Posted May 29, 2013 I'm curious to know what your therapist says about you still being hung up on him a year later? I'm curious because its been 10 months for me and I can relate 100% to what you're saying. I'm approaching the one year mark soon too and haven't made much progress. "haven't made much progress" is a harsh judgment. She doesn't say, anything that is normally posted on these forms, which really questions the help that some people attempt to toss at people. Or the abuse that others toss at you. Most of the advice that Love Shack of it goes along the line's of forget it him, move on, he's a *******. The advice that my therapist states is; Firstly, your not messed up, how you feel after one year is normal. Don't be so hard on yourself, your doing great. Lets look at the pattern of relationships from your childhood, teen, youth. Why is it that rejection affects you so much? She explores my difficult childhood, and how I was abandoned by my mother..ext..ext.. How the my when I feel rejection I feel it like I would a little girl. ( Again, I don't put myself down for that ) That I had a traumatic childhood. ext ext.. That my self esteem can be compared. To asking a adult how has lost their foot in a childhood accident, "get over it" "forget it, move on." Emotional scars are easy to hide. They don't leave a large gash across your face for everyone to see. BUT they can be as debilitating as a loss foot. AND one of the strongest things to do is to get help. I try very hard minimize, well that the past, forget it move on. But really has that ever helped anyone? So thus self examination/ cognitive behavioral therapy / psychoanalysis have been proven methods of recovery. And really I don't know why people look down on the ones that haven't moved on healed as fast as others. It is not a sign of weakness to love and care for someone. Especially to love and care for someone so much that the pain of losing them hits them deep. Personally I question the people that move on so fast about how detected they are from their emotions. Everyone wants to use logic to fight their way out of this. But we are not vulcans. Anyways, just some thought to think about. 1
Author all_cats_rgray Posted May 29, 2013 Author Posted May 29, 2013 Typo? No, just seems like a troll. No, not all men like strong women btw. Some like them soft, feminine, pliable so they feel more like a men and in control. I never said I was strong, im more of the sensitive, care for your kids, take care of you type. Not everyone is strong I guess I just have to kill myself.
amaysngrace Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 No, just seems like a troll. No, not all men like strong women btw. Some like them soft, feminine, pliable so they feel more like a men and in control. I never said I was strong, im more of the sensitive, care for your kids, take care of you type. Not everyone is strong I guess I just have to kill myself. I'm not a troll. Look how long I've been here. <---- And with that being said, if you care to look you'd see my past has been a difficult one to overcome, although when I set my mind to it, I overcame being raped at age seven in less than four months so.... And I'm never short of male attention from strong men, not the ones who need weak chicks to feel masculine. That's okay. I understand that it takes all kinds to make the world go around but heaven forbid you should have a real dilemma and I hope that you never do. It may just ruin you for the rest of your life.
siankat Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 can i ask you something all cats, (can i call u all cats? What is your natural state of being? You know, when work is fine, you were with ur bf, there were no major life upheavals and ur needs were by in large met, what was ur natural state of mind? E.g. content, always seeking more, anxious, fearful, up and down, pessimistic, optimistic, cynical, realistic, idealist etc And in what ways do u find you are different now to how you were at that time?
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