Fintan Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 This is my first time posting on this site... Apologies for the length, I wanted to get it all down but I've tried to break it up as much as I can. Well it starts off by I've been going out with this girl for two years.. I'm absolutely head over heels for her, I really am. She's the same about me - I get on really well with all her friends and her family love me... I've done some voluntary work for her mums company and created a whole new website for them, got them loads of work, etc, etc. We get on really really well! She tells me how she feels all the time, talks about the future, etc... Then five weeks ago she split up with me. Says she still loves me, but that she needs to be single and on her own for bit. She continuously said she's sorry and that it has absolutely nothing to do with anything I have/have not done. She says that I am still perfect and that she loves me but that she needs to be on her own for a bit. But that she can't give me any guarantees about getting back with me... Although she does want to eventually, she doesnt want to give me any false hope. I've spoken to her best friend and she just said the exact same... She's 23, just got a new full time job and a serious boyfriend. And that she just felt too old and settled for her actual age. If that makes sense? I spoke a few things over with Her best friend about what I wanted to tell My ex and The best friend said to get everything off my chest... So I did on the Saturday night (1 week after the break up) when she allowed me to phone her... This is a transcript of what I said on the phone: "I just want to start off by apologising for last Friday! I’m really sorry and my emotions got the better of me because I thought I had lost you forever. I’m sorry! I also hope you don’t mind me taking the opportunity to speak with your best friend last night. I just needed to take the opportunity to talk a few things through about where I went wrong and let her know that I really care for you! Following speaking to Her, I fully understand what happened! Things were getting too serious for you – you are only 23, you now have a very good full-time job and a serious boyfriend. she said that you just felt a lot older and more settled than what you are! You make me so happy and although I found this break very hard so far, I understand why it was necessary and have found out a lot about myself. After speaking on Facebook on Saturday it kind of reassured me that you still loved me and that you just weren’t in the right place for us at the minute. Although, I was still quite sad and upset, I realised that you weren’t giving up on us completely. I also think I understand where your feelings came from – me! Too much pressure was put on our relationship, on you and us. This was mainly from me and for that I apologise. One of the main reasons for this is me… I thought I was miserable when I was down here, away from you, away from The city I want to be in, etc. I explained this to Your best friend as - 'Looking back over the last couple of months I realise I have been a right miserable sod at being stuck at home when I'd rather be in Up there, and as a result, I think, you always felt the need to be in contact with me... Text, FaceTime, in person, etc. I in no way aided this - in fact I got to kind of expect that as bad as that makes me sound!' Over the last few days I realise I hurt you too much doing this and that I started taking you for granted... I always tried to make you happy don't get me wrong, I just started to get on your nerves a bit I guess! What the last few days have shown me is in fact that I wasn't miserable! Instead I was lucky to be in a very good job, lucky to have decent friends, lucky to have a great family and extremely lucky to have you! I think I was focussing on being miserable and in turn dragging everyone around me down [including you]. Whereas now I'm trying to look at the positives in life! I also realise that over the last few months you never had much time for your friends, or any time with your family or even time by yourself! I was always hanging about I realise now this was a big mistake and for that I really do apologise! I just want you to know that I realise all this now and that I want you to spend time with all of the above. Anytime you weren't working (very hard) you felt you had to either be with me or in contact with me. I also realise that instead of being miserable I should have been happy to be in a decent job, and to spend more time with my family and friends rather than put more pressure on you and us! I suppose the same was on me, instead of worrying about the silly things I should have concentrated more on myself and the important things for you! This I promise will change. You need time for your friends, family and yourself! Time without me hanging around or constantly bothering/nagging you! I also need some 'me' time to spend with mammy and daddy and some of my friends. And also on my uni work and the marathon which I'm training for. Again, none of this is your fault!! The majority is mine... I would say the we should try and see less of each other, even go every other weekend, etc, etc. We'd still even get the odd night during the week to spend together whenever suits us both. Conclusion... We're both very busy at the minute but I still want to make our relationship work so badly! And I will do anything! I love you, You know this... And I think (hope) you still love me! All I want is you back in my life as my wonderful girlfriend! ❤ I am determined to do anything I have to do to achieve this. I’ll take things extra slow, cut back on seeing you, less FaceTime, more nights out, etc, etc. I just really want you to be in my life! You and I had the perfect relationship and I want us to have this again! I’m determined to do anything to win your trust in me and I will take it as slow as you want and/or need!" Now to explain the above message... Firstly, my ex got a new job recently with Large company and her first two months were spent in across the water training, but she was home every weekend... That's why i said about the space etc - We always spent weekends together because we couldn't spend week nights together. even though when we were in her parents house or down here, we always stayed in separate beds - Weird, but just the way it was. We were used to it and it didn't matter to us! Since we split, we have exchanged some texts, nothing major - last week was her last training week in and on Sunday I just wished her a safe flight... On Wednesday she had a final exam so I text her to say I hoped the work was going good, and that I hope she does really well And on Thursday she text me about results and worrying about them, so I replied saying she had nothing to worry about. On the Saturday after I read out the above message to her, she started to cry on the phone and couldn't speak, so she said could we message for a bit instead... For the record I kept my emotions in check reassuring her I was ok... If that makes sense? So we messaged, for a bit then as she was unable to speak because of her crying... Transcript below: Ex: I'm fine. I need you to know this is nothing to do with you. I feel like you're really beating yourself up over this, but it's nothin you've done or haven't done I said I was taking the break as a chance to reevaluate everything and make some improvements in me... As I am doing thisl Ex: You dont need to change! Ex: I'm worried we're looking at this in two different ways.. We've split up. By referring to it as a break I think you're giving yourself a lot of hope that this will all blow over in a week or so. And that's why I keep saying you need to look at this as a break up I replied: I just thought that following last week, you kept saying you still loved me and that you were hoping we would get back together... But that you just didn't want to be serious for awhile. Ex: I do love you!!! You can't just switch feelings off after two years... But i need to be single/on my own right now. Ex: At this point I can't imagine ending up with anyone else, you're right. But that could be 10 years down the line or three months, or it could end up never This really set me off - So I asked will she be looking for anyone else... She replied 'No I won't be seeking someone else' I just said then that i loved her, and why did she need to break it off... She replied the same as previously said, adding: It just all got a bit much for me and I freaked out. I just need time! I'm sorry about everything Finny, I really truly am! It's not how I wanted everything to be. Please try and be ok. I then said I still loved her, and I loved every minute of our time together and us! and that if she's ready and willing to get back to me just let me know.telling her she means the world to me (which she does) and always will! Ex then said: We'll cross that bridge if/when we come to it. I then said night night and that I hoped she slept ok! Her best friend was texting a few times the day after saying: I wanted to text you last night but thought I'd leave you be... im sorry it didn't work out the way you wanted Maybe it's best leavuing her be for a bit ad just enjoying yourself with friends and family. I replied: Yeah! I told Ex last night whenever she wants to get back or meet up or anything I'd be there for her! Thank you for everything, especially over the last two years assisting with present picking etc... (If you can put a good word in for me, please do ) I'm devastated but hopefully it'll work out and we'll get back together stronger than ever Her best friend replied: No problem! And of course she knows we all love you anyways - so I wouldn't worry about that! Just try not to worry about things and enjoy what you have going on other than all that! Then I left her for a few days and sent her this text message on the advice of a friend of mine (she has went through something similar and are back together engaged and happier than ever): "Hi! Just wanted to let you know I love you more than anything! You mean the world to me, you truly do! I'm going to try and make this my last message to you for a while (for as long as you want). I want to give you the space you need at this time! I have been so happy these last two years with you, you know this! It has been the happiest time of my life! This is gonna be the hardest thing I ever have to do - but I understand that right now you need some space. You are an amazing and special person and you deserve to be happy! Again, I want you to know I love you, us and our relationship... I'll always love you! And I'll always be there for you, I promise! I always will! xxxxxx P.S. Sorry for pestering you!" After this she replied... 'Saying thank you! I really appreciate it. You aren't pestering me. I hope you're ok and have a really good day at work.' It's been three weeks from that message and I haven't initiated any contact. However, she has been in contact with me five times (none for the last week or so). All about trivial things: First time: asking about a court letter (long story short - we both walked in on a armed robbery of a shop now have to go give evidence). She also asked if I had gotten the PayPal refund for a dress I bought her that she sent back, and also asked about my family. Second time: The next day she messages me Happy Birthday. We then exchanged a few messages about her family and dog (whom I also really miss as sad as that is haha). Third time: Then four days later she messaged me on Facebook chat and we messaged for around half an hour. I showed my friend (mentioned above that has went though the similar situation) all of these conversations and she said that she thinks my ex is missing me and talking to me. She advised me not to initiate any contact but to respond to me ex when she initiates. Fourth time: My favourite football team were playing and their manager was retiring at the end of the season and this was his last home game. My ex just text me out of the blue saying "Good riddance to the red-faced bully... " referring to this... I just replied jokingly saying "I'm not going anywhere Or are you talking about someone else? " she then replied with an inside joke... We then sent two or three meaningless messages referencing a few 'inside' jokes. Fifth time: Nothing major, just asking how I was and giving me information about the court date (again... Only giving evidence). I replied saying I was good and thanks for the information, nothing more. There was really no need for her to message me as the police phoned me too! They have done each time it was cancelled previously. On a further side note.... A few pictures popped up on my Facebook timeline that she was tagged in... I noticed she is still wearing the watch (I got one Christmas) and another piece of jewellery (charm bracelet) which I got and used to add to on special occasions (Christmas, birthdays, anniversary, Valentines Day, etc, etc). From other pictures that just pooped up, I can clearly see she is still wearing the charm bracelet on nights out with friends (even five weeks after the break up). That is where I am now... I'm devastated about the split and I really want my ex back. Any advice would be much appreciated! P.S. We really did have a great relationship I done everything I could for her and she helped me as much as she could as well! She does mean everything to me! Thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings! And again... Apologies for the length!
confused00 Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 This is tough. I am a girl lol i would say let her go and let her experience life without you. If you guys didn't really have any problems then it possible to say maybe she just doesn't feel the same way anymore. I don't know for sure and if you read my thread when an ex stays in contact it can be confusing trying to figure out their intentions. Its possible they still care and are a good person but not looking to get back together. i have been both a dumper in a two year relationship to whom I wasn't inlove with him and I broke up with my bf of four years i did the whole texting thing i still told him i loved him because I did we had gotten into a fight and i got unsure and then got back together a month later and then he broke up with me and now have been back and forth for a year.
Author Fintan Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 This is tough. I am a girl lol i would say let her go and let her experience life without you. If you guys didn't really have any problems then it possible to say maybe she just doesn't feel the same way anymore. I don't know for sure and if you read my thread when an ex stays in contact it can be confusing trying to figure out their intentions. Its possible they still care and are a good person but not looking to get back together. i have been both a dumper in a two year relationship to whom I wasn't inlove with him and I broke up with my bf of four years i did the whole texting thing i still told him i loved him because I did we had gotten into a fight and i got unsure and then got back together a month later and then he broke up with me and now have been back and forth for a year. Thank you for taking the time to reply! Quick update from when I wrote the original post... She initiated contact with me on Facebook chat around last Wednesday! The chat was fine, much like before the breakup! None of us mentioned what happened, the relationship, etc. I really hope she is beginning to feel that she is missing me and think about what she has lost! As for me, I was ok up until yesterday, when I broke down repeatedly. I went out with my friends last night to a festival, which kind of ended in disaster as my friends got too drunk and left me being sober(ish) thinking how awful the night was and leaving early! Today has been awful too, really missing her! My parents are worried about me (not that they should be), saying I should go see a Counsellor. I don't think this is a bad idea, but is it really going to help me? I mean I know what's happening and what's going on and what I have to do (and not do). I really want her back and the disaster that was last night just makes me miss her even more! I'm determined to give her the time and space she wants, whilst I am also working on myself... Doing things I want to! Plus I'm supposed to be going out with my friends again tonight And I just don't feel as if I'm able to, or want to! I'm trying to live my own life, not thinking of her, etc, etc. but it just doesn't seem to be working at the minute. Any advice or guidance is welcome! Sorry to be a 'downer'!
totallylost5040 Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 My advice. Enough with the games. Get together wit her face to face and asks what she's want. Because to me it seems like she's keeping you around or testing you. You are a grown ass man and don't have time for this. If you want to keep chit chatting with her that's great, but she's def misleading you. Trust me, i've been misled before and right now it SUCKS, because "she didn't know that after our break up" she thought i knew.... B.S. anyways, I'm in the same boat, i keep thinking about this girl A LOT and its driving me crazy at times, its getting better though. Think of it this way. It does make sense at what she said... 23 you don't really know who you are at that point and it takes a lot of figuring out. At my point, I am 31 and the girl i was dating was 30, if you are dating at 30, you should know what you want, but again have to realize that at that age, relationships take WORK. So take it from me, it'll take her some time, but don't trust to hope, because she is young and probably doesn't know what she wants... besides you are in your 20s and single, BEST TIME EVER!
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