Sending an apology

[SquishfulOne]

All,

 

I've been reading stuff on here for a while but have a situation that I would appreciate your advice on. We mutually broke up about 9 days ago. I've been thinking things over and - although she did some thoughtless and selfish things to me - I also acted in a similar manner towards her.

 

As part of moving on, I have decided to apologise to her. My original plan was to hand write a letter and put it in with some stuff I am sending back to her (it was an LDR and I have some stuff of hers). But I think she may see something like that as being too OTT as being an attempt to manipulate her, rather than a genuine apology.

 

While I would like a second chance (now that the dust has settled, I've realised that it isn't the fun stuff we did together that I miss, it's her and the things she said and did when she was around), I do not think that it is a realistic prospect. I think she is just too angry at me and she doesn't strike me as the sort of girl who would try again.

 

We have had some limited contact since. The day after we broke up, she did email me and say she'd like to stay in touch but I replied and she hasn't said anything more since. I spoke to her briefly a couple of days ago about stuff we're sending back to eachother and that's been about it.

 

Apologising for what I did will hopefully help us both to feel like we can move on. I've put an (unfinished) draft of what I'm saying below. I didn't want to give specific incidents as I feel it may drag things up for her and make her depressed again, which isn't my intent. I'm also not expecting her forgiveness either.

 

My question is, does this sound ok and also do you have any recommendations for how I can end what I'm saying?

 

Now that I’ve had some time to think things over with a clearer head, I have realised what an idiot I have been. I am writing this to you to apologise for my behaviour.

 

Looking back now, I can see that I acted very selfishly. I don’t blame you for being angry at me.

 

I should have listened better to what you were saying and given you the space you needed. I also should not have listened to other people who knew little about you and said things that in my heart I knew I didn’t mean.

 

I do not offer up any excuses; there were reasons for things that I did and I truly did believe that I was trying to fix things and make you happy. I was wrong.

 

I’ve taken the time since to think things over, to learn from my mistakes and improve.

 

I understand now that you needed me to be there for you by understanding and giving you the space and time you needed for yourself. I was so stupid and wrapped up in things that I failed to give you that.

 

I have been an absolute arse for the last couple of months. I think back on the things I said and did – and I feel awful for it.

 

You were absolutely right the whole time and I was too stupid to take a moment and think things through. Well, you know that I’m a bit slow on the uptake sometimes – <there's a little private joke here I've removed as it won't make sense to anyone reading it>

 

 

Ironically, we are very similar in many ways. We wanted the same thing at the same time – to fix things but we approached it very differently. You needed space so you could think and work things out, whereas I stupidly tried to do it through words. I’ve now learnt that is incorrect. There’s a time and a place for talking in relationships but in my stupidity and stubborn-ness I lost sight of things and got hung up on trying to ‘fix it’.

 

I foolishly thought that by trying to fix things, I would make you happy again. That was very thoughtless and insensitive of me, as you needed that time for obvious reasons and didn’t need me blathering on.

 

I want to offer you a deep and heartfelt apology. I am truly sorry for the thoughtless and insensitive things that I said and did. I look back on those things now and I think ‘that isn’t me, I’m not that kind of person’. I know that that does not undo those things. I have always prided myself on being an understanding and caring person but I failed you massively right when you needed me to be those things the most.

 

I also extend that apology to your family. For any upset or annoyance that I may have indirectly caused them too.

 

 

Does that sound like a good apology or do I need to rethink? I'm planning to send it in a couple of days but want to do this right. The last thing I want to do is stuff this up and hurt her even more, rather than showing her I am truly sorry.

 

 

Thanks

[Ordinaryday]

I don't like long flowery apologies for a number of reasons: no matter what you say, you WILL be expecting, or at least hope for, a response and if you don't get one you will be hurt all over again.

 

if she responds rudely you will be hurt, and if she responds with something like "hey thanks for that, good luck with the future" that will hurt even more.

 

also, I have sent messages like that in the past, and though I understand you are not thinking clearly, sending messages like that makes you look pathetic which is hardly an endearing quality.

 

If you HAVE to send a message, the best thing you can do is make it short and sweet, something like "I'm sorry for how I acted during the relationships, I've learned from my mistakes. if you ever want to give us another try my door is always open" - it basically says the same thing in much fewer words and added bonus, you don't look pathetic.

[Giha]

I thought about doing the same thing when she broke up with me. I had it written and everything. I came here to ask if it was a good idea, the answer was basically no and boy am I glad I listened.

 

Reading the letter now, almost three weeks later, I realize it would've been a bad idea. It would easily make me look weak and desperate.

 

I did however call her, because I had to know I tried. She still turned me down, however I still feel it was the right thing for me to do. I'm glad I kept very calm throughout the conversation while she started crying and saying how sorry she is. I managed to keep my dignity and self respect, and I know if I sent that letter things would have come across very differently.

 

So basically what I'm saying is, wait a couple of weeks more. Take a breather. Then read the letter again. If you feel its still worth sending, I'd still not recommend it but do what you have to do.

 

But if you do send it, make sure you say everything you want to say because that would probably the last time you get the chance.

[Ordinaryday]

After I was dumped one time I foolishly, when I was in a bad emotional state, sent her an email pouring my heart out to her, telling her how hurt I was, blah blah blah. she responded with this half-assed apology which I at the time accepted, because I was so grateful to hear from her.

 

I realise now that sending the email not only made me look beyond pathetic, it also gave her a huge ego boost because in the email I mentioned how great she was. It also gave her a sense of 'closure'

 

It is one of my biggest regrets, sending her that letter. if I could tun back time the second she said "let's just be friends" to me at the end of one of our dates, I would have said "let's not" and just stormed off leaving her in her dust!

 

God, I wish I had done that instead! I SO REGRET sending her that wimpy email!

 

the only consolation I have is that in her response to me she said she wanted to stay friends (I know it was just a line) and she said that I should email her from time to time to let her know "what I was up to".

 

I said I would, but I never did. no point in looking even more pathetic than I did when I sent that email!

[SquishfulOne]

Thanks for the replies. :-)

 

I've already accepted the fact that it is unlikely she will want to get back together, which is why I'm not asking in the message. I will also be highly surprised if she replies at all. It's more so that I can at least go in the knowledge that I said sorry, so I feel like a better person for it. Believe me when I say that she has plenty to apologise for but it's unlikely to ever happen.

 

I'm not sure I agree that apologising for mistakes you made makes you look weak or pathetic. If someone apologised to me for something they had done wrong, I think I would respect them for it. That could just be me though, I guess.

 

I'm certainly not going to grovel or anything. Hence why I have not asked for forgiveness. I'm certainly not going to beg her to come back or anything like that either. I don't 'need' her back.

 

If/when I send her the apology and she most likely doesn't reply, I will at least be able to walk away from things knowing that I was able to admit I made mistakes.

[Ordinaryday]

what people on this board don't like a lot about so many 'apologies' is that a lot of them are self-serving - the person apologising is not doing it to make the person they are apologising to feel better, they are doing it to make THEMSELVES feel better - the feel guilty about what they did and by apologising, even a halfassed one, they are able to shed to guilt.

 

it has happened several times to me. I never respond, but it was always the dumper 'apologising' to me, not because they wanted to reconcile or anything, but a halfassed one to shed their guilt.

 

and when they dump me and leave me in the cold, I don't feel particularly inclined to ease their conscience by saying to them "hey no worries, thanks for that, good luck with everything" hence why I ignore their apology

[inaya42]

i also tend to respect people who apologize for bad behavior. it alleviates guilt -- as it should. but it can also alleviate hurt. oftentimes, the feeling of hurt is compounded by its not being recognized by the person who caused it.

 

with that said, though you don't explicitly ask for reconciliation, your letter still sounds like that is what your seeking. there is no need to list and explain every single thing you have done wrong. i would suggest that if you really want to send an apology, make it two to three lines at the most: something along the lines of "sorry for my contribution to the failure of our relationship. i recognize that the breakup is best for both of us. thank you for the experience of you. i wish you lots of luck in the future." then DO NOT expect a response and DO NOT reply if you get one. in other words, apologize if you think it will have some genuine healing affect for each of you as you go on in your single lives and then go NC until you heal. good luck.

Edited May 27, 2013 by inaya42

[avelonia2013]

I think it all depends on you individual situation. In some cases your apology may be very fitting. Only you know deep down if it's right send it or not.

[SquishfulOne]

Right, I've just sent it. I've been going over whether I should do it or not all evening. I had a quick re-read of the last few emails she sent to me and when I thought about it, I don't want to be laying awake all night still thinking it over.

 

It was probably too early to send it. It's almost guaranteed that she won't reply. But I do feel better for doing it. I'm going to go and bin a letter she wrote me when things were good, along with a card that said I was her soul mate.

 

I'll give it until I go to bed and then if she hasn't replied (which I know she won't but I'll give her a chance anyway - I know she sees these things more or less as soon as they come in) then I'm blocking her on Facebook.

 

I actually feel better for sending it. As funny as it probably sounds, I think this is the last push I need to sort in my mind that she's gone.

 

I've said sorry for my wrong-doing in it. She'll never say sorry for her part, but now I feel like the better person for having done it.