Author Leigh 87 Posted May 27, 2013 Author Posted May 27, 2013 I my ex and I look back on our time as pivotal and loving. I enjoy writing about the positive aspects. People here are quiet disturbing how they let me look back fondly. I mean, his personal journal wouldn't lie..... I am his first love, and it described how he live and breathed ' leigh' I actually find it I interesting how and why relationships fail; the most fascinating examples are of those of us who DID fell fully adored and loved, yet are left heartbroken. I am happy my relationship ended well. Really. That is a positive to me. I have had time and NC will be on my side once he is with new ppl.. As HARD as NC will be, I know that I would have felt a LOT worse if he had left me for someone else or confessed that he was not actually in live with me and/or had lost feelings. It would have been a different feeling entirely if he had..... left for another women. I would have let go straight away never looked back. It would have been more hurtful. I am glad to be able to look back fondly. Other posters should not try to take that away from me.
LostGirl11 Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 Honey... I am far from horrible. What I won't stand for, is when people try to convince me that hey, my ex never really liked me that much; that it was all in my HEAD. You're the one who said that my ex must not ever loved me. You're a nasty woman. Whenever people give advice or just give an opinion you say they're deluded, projecting, sick, heartless, discusting ect. Then you twist their words and close your thread like a petulant child just so you can have the last say. The mind boggles. There really is no need for it. If you're so clued up and so perfect, why are you on here? 3
smorgenHeckengard Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 Well... i'm glad you're taking a step in a more positive direction. Hope that you'll be a woman of your word. Only time can heal wounds. You can't sit and pick at them. Good luck.
dumPI Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 It's hard in the beginning. I remember having that feeling and thinking all the time: "I am not going to talk to her again. I am not going to talk to the person who meant the most to me in my life". It turns out after 7 months NC we talked again and started having conversations which ended again when she started fooling me again and dating someone else again. Then I got a crappy mail with more BS where she said she loved me but asked for NC. And I thought: No way I am answering this ever. It's been 7 months NC again and I couldn't care less if I dont ever speak to her. I mean sometimes it's time to be strong, go into survival mode and let time pass by. It's gonna be tough for you but the problem is the alternative, being in contact, is tougher. 2
smorgenHeckengard Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 Other posters should not try to take that away from me. I promise we're not trying to take it away from you. We just wish you would let it go. You can't carry on with the baggage of that. You hold on how much you loved each other for dear life and you just can't. Let it go Leigh, if you want to be able to move on. I'm not trying to be harsh, but you really have to look outside the situation. 1
xpaperxcutx Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 Leigh, I get where Andrew said you are full of drama. If you want to him get back through giving him ultimatums, then you know the answer would've stayed the same no matter what. Why, why, why must you always say this or that. It's a waste of breath especially if you want to heal and move on. Just ignoring him and blocking him is enough. He's not stupid. He gets the point. 1
youngnlove89 Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 I already got in trouble posting on here once about being "too mean". Those weren't my intentions. My intentions are, like I said before, to wake you up. I SEE MYSELF IN YOU SOMETIMES. I too was in denial. And I still am. This is not me being harsh, this is me being your wake up call. I want to help you. I want to be your cyber friend and help you get over this guy. I get how you feel when someone may portray something in the wrong way by saying "your ex never loved you" or "they didn't treat you right" or "your relationship really wasn't that great". I get how that can hurt. Because I have had that said to me a million times. But I know my ex loved me. I know my ex cared about me. And I know, even though our relationship wasn't a 100% perfect, it had many perfect moments. But that was in our relationship. We are broken up now, things are different. We can hold onto every ounce of hope we can muster, we can keep telling ourselves that they loved us, but that is holding on. Sure, they loved us, but we need to accept that it is over and it's time to let it go now. What good is love when it's just a memory? You should never ignore someone's pain or act as if it doesn't matter. For no matter how small their worry is to you and how simple to solve it may seem, to them, it is a disaster. And we all want someone to calm the storm, not to tell us it doesn't exist. So, I'm not telling you it doesn't exist, please understand that. Instead, this time, I'm trying a different route. This is what you said to another poster on this very site: NO matter how endearing, inspirational, hot, and fantastic you become since your ex left; They WILL NEVER fall madly in love with you. They never were to begin with, or they would not have left. You are better served moving on totally from an ex, and allowing yourself to find a person who truly IS madly in love with you; and will try to find a way to resolve things no matter HOW hopeless they seem. NC is to move on. Why on earth would you stay stuck on a person who will NEVER be able to fall truly in love with you no matter HOW awesome you become? We could all become the BEST version of ourselves and our exes would still never "realises" that they actually are crazily in love with us after all:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao: ..................................... Honestly, they could find a person that is not as hot as you; that is not as interesting as you; and they will still fall more in love with them, simply because they have the capacity to love them. They did not have the capacity to love us EVEN IF we were the absolute best version of ourselves.................... ............................................................................ Only like, 2% of the population leaves a person they were TRULY in love with, and come back. And the dumpee would only BE in the position to take them back once they had accepted NC and learnt to live happily without them. .............................................................................. If they somehow realised that were crazy in love with you/wanted to marry you/needed to try again with you, if you had been siting around being hung up over them, you would not be in a healthy mental state to take them back anyway. ............................................................................... To even be in the right mindset to take a person back if they are truly serious about it, you too should be in a healthy mental state to even consider a second chance! With NC, we can be in the right mind frame to think about taking an ex back. Not that this is what NC is for. ................................................................................ Look, NC is a double edged sword; you do not use to get them back, yet you NEED NC if your ever going to be READY to take them back. Sweetie, I could go through your profile and read all of the replies you have posted on here and back it up with further proof that you are not taking your own advice. It's so easy to dish out, but you can't comprehend it yourself. I'm even at fault for this. We are ALL at fault for this. PLEASE don't get mad at us. We are taking the TIME to try to help YOU. I could be watching my movie I just rented, but instead I feel the need to tell you WAKE UP LEIGH! You need to learn how to handle criticism. It's for your own benefit. We don't give a toot about Andrew, we are on here helping you out. So please, in return, respect us, don't be mean just because we are giving out tough love. Sometimes that is what we need. We need to hear other peoples perspectives, their opinion, because in the end it helps us to grow and learn new things. So, yes Andrew loved you. Andrew cared for you. But look where you are. You guys are broken up. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you anymore, it just means it stopped working. And if you ever want a chance with him again, you need to calm down, stop handing out ultimatums, let time heal, enforce NC and let fate do its thing. Be nice to us, we are here to help YOU. 7
metal_chick Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 Sweetie, I could go through your profile and read all of the replies you have posted on here and back it up with further proof that you are not taking your own advice. It's so easy to dish out, but you can't comprehend it yourself. I'm even at fault for this. We are ALL at fault for this. SO well said...
metal_chick Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Strangely; none of the people in real life that I know even knew what No Contact was! I didn't know it was an actual philosophy until a while ago. It was always just a reflex action for me - guy dumps me or I dump him = me falling off the face of the earth. It was out of sight, out of mind. I didn't care if they were balled up on the floor boo-hooing in intense pain, once the relationship was over, the time had come to take care of myself. I've never employed it as a tactic to get an ex back, but boy, has every single ex chased me when I did. I think it's natural for us to assume that if we can't have the relationship, the friendship is the next best thing. But that's a death sentence. You only end up dragging out the end of the relationship. I think we all know, innately, that when a relationship breaks down, that we're unlikely to keep that person in our life long term. And whilst it is painful (is it ever - particularly my last situation, I mss him something chronic), it is a cold-hard fact - that we need to cut loose the past in order to have a future. Wallowing becomes addictive - you see it on this board all the time. Because the pain is familiar, the idea of letting it go for something unfamilar makes us cling. The lesson of NC needs to be learned early. It is the only sanity saviour in the end.
dreamingoftigers Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Leigh, I get that you need to run it from all angles 12 times before you process it. I'm the same way. Something about the way we integrate things. I would totally look into some EMDR though. I found some of that died down after the fact. I also know what it's like to be in a relationship where when they come toward you, you want out. When they leave, you want back in. There's something about that real intimacy that's scary or bothersome. Like, if they would just stay a certain distance away, we could admire them and have this "ideal" of a boyfriend. Someone that loves unconditionally without expectation. It isn't healthy. It's actually pretty immature. But it takes time to figure these things out. I've been reading for years and still haven't grasped everything in the DO instead of SAY YOU'LL DO IT category. Leigh, at this point, stick to the DO. My heart goes out to you because I know that the hurt goes really, really deep, but then it just kind of evaporates at some point. Just, *poof* okay, I'm past that. Unlike most who recover slowly and gradually recover. But the hurt is so much more when you are the former instead of the latter.
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 Thanks younglove I now see that you're just trying to help. It just seemed like a lot of people were trying to convince me thst he was not that in love with me. I don't listen to people who say that I was deluded in thinking that he did ever love me.
dreamingoftigers Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I think he did. But I also think that he has validation issues. et al... 1
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 the hookers should have been a dealbreaker They were. I left before. He begged for another chance. He didn't blow it again with the hookers' but he did something even worse: he sought validation from HUNDREDS of girls online. HUNDREDS. It was never physical, but man.. I should have just left, worked on my own life with therapy and etc, and I am fairly certain that he would have gotten help in order to be with me again. Good riddens though! He can be the next girls problem. I hacked his accounts and saw everything. It was disgusting. He even went into a LESBIAN chat site, and used MY pictures!!!! He pretended to be a woman so that the women would send HIM sexy pictures! !!!!!!! I let it slide because I believed that he is seriously messed up. He used primarily hookers for sex before me, despite being good looking. More disturbingly, he had only ever had sex with ONE woman who he ever bad actual feelings for............... Then his mum died jusy before we met. They were extremely close. She did everything for him. I stayed because I really believed that he was in love with me in the best way that he knew HOW to love. He did treat me very well on an everyday basi. He is a very independent dude who likes his space and normally leaves girls who demand a lot of his time. In writing what he did is absolutely inexcusable. It is how he treated me on a daily basis that made me so happy. And insofar as intimacy and his desire to please a women because he enjoyed watching HER pleasure, he only had eyes for me. I totally trusted him the times he went out. He never bad eyes for other women; yet he has the ability to use a girl as a human sex toy, devoid of any emotion. It was a very different place for me to be in.... I'm not silly. I don't get into relationships with men who DO NOT adore me and make it known that they want to be with me more than anyone else. I did feel genuine love from him, and I do not think he will just EASILY find a woman where be thinks '' geez, now that I'm with her, I realize that I only did that crapp to Leigh 87 coz I was not all that in love with her'' That's why I stayed. I would not have stayed witb a man who I felt did all those things cos he just didn't love me much, and would suddenly change for a woman who really knocked his socks off. I couldn't change my drama and personal issues for him in the end, nor did he change for me. Be stopped tbe the physical cheating yet be needed the thrill of talking to ' new ' girls online. I still only think it's cos we did not love each other enough...... and I don't put up with people online thay tell me he only behaved in such a way cos he just had not found a woman that he crazy enough about. Look, the important thing is: it doesn't matter how he feels about me!!!! It doesn't matter whethef I was the love of his life or just a woman he used for sex. ALL that matters is that the relationship didn't work. I now need to forget he exists and move on.
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 On my smart phone apologies for the spelling errors. I'm seeing a therapist tomorrow. I miss my dogs very much. In fact, I block them out 100% because I can't allow myself to think about them. It's too upsetting. They are adorable. .... and both hate my ex lol. One bites and pisses on him when he even just tries to touch the poor dog.... my other dog just hates every besides me. Oh well. At least they live on loads of land.......... 1
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 I don't think either of us are in the right head space to be in a relationship. I think the way in which we love is off....... we were highly co dependant; we were extremely close but it went too far. He stopped talking to his friends as much and only wanted to be around me. I also have to address that tendency in therapy. ...of me to forget to work on my own life once I fall in love. We were in our own little world. We had never been that close and comfortable around another person. We felt like we would die without each other. You can see how horrible it was for me to lose my dogs, his dogs AND the adorable new born puppies AS WELL as Andrew. 3
metal_chick Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I think the way in which we love is off....... we were highly co dependant; we were extremely close but it went too far. He stopped talking to his friends as much and only wanted to be around me. I also have to address that tendency in therapy. ...of me to forget to work on my own life once I fall in love. Yup. All very relevant issues that should be addressed. 2
iouaname Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Leigh, I'm sorry that you're hurting so much, but I think that you're also analyzing too much. I think you're putting a lot of emphasis on your decisions and on his thought process and what you're thinking, and I think instead of doing that, you should just kind of take a breather and realize that no matter what -- you're going to get through this. I made a lot of mistakes with this breakup. I did all of the things that I should not have and I feel sometimes that I literally lost my mind, but I can say that nearing 6 months I am feeling much, much better. Don't spend so much time analyzing things (even your own decisions), instead just take your life day by day and try to treat yourself well.
Suave Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Best move I ever made was doing strict NC. This is after being head over heels for this girl for over two years. It was like she really had died or something. But she was holding me back. The false hope, the constant wondering of second chances and mixed signals...it was all detrimental to me growing as a person. 3
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 I miss my dogs:( Thanks for the support. It seriously helps that I'm going to Europe/ Russia in a month. And that I move towns and start a new job and life. The partying overseas sure makes this ****tt y time go faster! !! I am the kind of person who very rarely goes out and parties. But I am the craziness person at the club or party when I do get a tad drunk. Yep. Having an overseas trip sure does help you after you get your heart broken! When I get back, I'm moving hours away to be a live in nanny. The family sounds very nice, and they own a hotel/ pub... I'll be working part time behind the bar and also looking after their two kids, while I study part time online. I'm really where I want to be in life now. I like the idea of toning down my study to part time, so by at the end of the degree, I'll have thousands saved. I do an on studying full time for two years so I don't take too long to do the degree! I should have money saved to travel in those last two years too. Traveling is the thing in life I most look forward to; that and falling in love again with the right person. I'll try to really enjoy my time single! Was it strange for you guys to be referred to as ''single'' again?
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 Best move I ever made was doing strict NC. This is after being head over heels for this girl for over two years. It was like she really had died or something. But she was holding me back. The false hope, the constant wondering of second chances and mixed signals...it was all detrimental to me growing as a person. How did she give you false hope? What was it like when you spent time together after the breakup? My ex would still want to hold me and call me pet names:sick: It would have taken us both WAYYYYYY to long to move on, if we remained as we were. It was nice how we still loved and comforted one a new another, but it is very black and white when it comes to relationships; we are either together, or not. If you're not together, the being around each other with all the cuddles and trappings of a relationship, is akin to a slow death. Metaphorically of course. I have to admit, I did wonder at the time: if we hung out and we changed enough and we got along better, would we have moved on while still being around each other? Or back into each others arms? I feel SO......SO much more at peace with myself and asumed that it was just over forever.
Mme. Chaucer Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Honey... I am far from horrible. What I won't stand for, is when people try to convince me that hey, my ex never really liked me that much; that it was all in my HEAD. You're the one who said that my ex must not ever loved me. Leigh. Time for a reality check. Try to shut your internal nonstop chatter and maybe you'll hear this: You know all the things people say about your former relationship that you get so indignant and enraged about? Where do you think that ALL these people got these ideas from? FROM YOUR WORDS. YOUR POSTS. This is the picture you've given us. And the more you post, the more unlikely it sounds that your relationship was really the way you keep desperately, desperately trying to convince this world of strangers that it was. You haven't described a real relationship. That's why everybody doubts. 4
Suave Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 How did she give you false hope? What was it like when you spent time together after the breakup? It was more like we agreed to try things again to recapture that spark we had lost, we kept hooking up, she told me she still loved me and made it seem like everything was coming together again - and then out of the blue she just dropped me like I was nothing. I realized later that she was selfishly keeping me around in case things with this other guy she met didn't work out.
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