Atalya Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 Hi All, I'm sure most of you have seen my post about my breakup being the most complicated. Now that I'm at 39 days NC, I've looked at my relationship with Jay in a more postive light and have seen the problems at most angles. Jay had a lot of insecurties and the time and issues and let them get to him causing him to run away from the relationship we had. Jay has been through a lot in his 22 years on this Earth. He is also dealing up with a scary diagnosis of Lupus. This was very hard for him to deal up with in our relationship. I was as postive as I could be with him. I did as much as I could. I even wanted to donate one of my kidneys to help in a few years because his kidneys may fail at that time with the progression of his illness. It was a big thing for me to want to do as I would have to go through the surgery for it. His life has been difficult and for a lot of it, it was always a fight. As I will say, he's been moving mountains since he was young. He's moved a lot of mountains over the years. Jay thought it was better to run off than face his problems. It didn't serve anyone well. I've done much better in life but he has been struggling and has no idea how to deal up with this situation. I've left him alone but he tries to get my attention and has been trying for awhile. He hasn't been able to talk to me directly but through other ways he's been showing he would like my attention. I've ignored him and it will continue because he needs to learn that I am no longer chasing him, that he must come back on his own. Jay is someone who doesn't like to be ignored and to have the person who loves him do that is tough on him but it is for the better. He must come around on his own. I understand why he blames me so much for everything. Jay is upset at himself and feels awful that he let the person he loves the most go and that he hurt the person who cares for him most. We all make mistakes and sometimes at the wrong time. It is very hard for him to face what he did. He feels awful that his problems got in the way of his happiness. I forgive him for his arrogance, his unkind words, his anger, and much more. I hold no grudges and what has happened between us in the past. I know he thinks about everything and when he's ready, he will reconcile with me for I'm already ready to reconcile all of this. I hold no negative feelings. What's done is done and all we can do is start a blank slate and start over. Jay is not a bad person. He may have done things the wrong way but he's far from bad. Sometimes it takes a wise person to put themselves in their lovers shoes to see how they feel. I've done exactly that. There is an armor that is sheilding him and underneath the arrogance and anger there is a a scared person. A person who doesn't know what to do. A person who lost the greatest love he had but it is still within reach. I'm seeing a person who is a shadow of their former self. A person that is lost. A person who feels awful for running out on a good thing. A person at battle with the inside. It's not about me. I'm not to blame. I must remember that. We had a bond so deep and a love that was so intense. We were connected many ways especially through Judaism our religion. The word Shalom means peace and goodbye in Hebrew. I have found my own peace, my own Nirvana. Jay must do the same for himself. He must not blame himself for his illness, he doesn't have to be afraid to reconcile, he doesn't have to be upset for hurting me, and he doesn't have to be hard on himself for his mistake anymore. It is now in the past and that's not where he should live. I don't know what will happen in the next couple of weeks or so but I know he will return. I've had so many people misjudge him, tell me how to do our situation, give him the wrong advice, and tell me to give up. This is between us both and I had to make a decision to shut out many people while doing this because I was tired of the negative. I was tired of being told how to handle this situation when they don't know all of it like I do. Somtimes you can't listen to everyone, you do best on your own and that's how I've been since we've broken up. Our closest friends have been loyal and have accepted my decsions. I've gone on long enough, so I'll end it here. I believe there is still a chance for us to work things out. At this time, I've reached my Nirvana, my peace. I'm sure when all the problems are gone and the insecurites calm down, there will be a space for me to reenter this relationship wiser, more stronger, and better than before. That we will start our new slate. That we will have a new relationship. For now, I must keep thinking positive and keeping going. We'll cross paths when it's time.
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