What do I do with all my pain??

[Bunnyrabbit]

We have both agreed that it's not working anymore after being married for thirteen years. It was never great and we had a really rocky start. But we did have love and chemistry and we tried making it work. But when he took a job abroad which we both agreed on him doing I think we both grew up and grew apart. Not wanting to waste more time fighting and not having the same long term goals we have decided to go our separate ways. We don't have any kids. But my question is: how do I deal with all this pain?? Although I have so much love for him still I know in my heart that we can't make it work. But this is so very painful that I'm at times wonder if I can even deal with this. When we were still together I used to think of all our bad times and things that annoyed me with him. But now when we are no longer together all I think about are the good times and memories and it's killing me inside. I want to focus on everything that was bad but my mind only goes to his good sides that I miss. I feel like I can't function because I'm surrounded by memories. All movies remind me of him, songs and seeing couples out is like putting a knife in my stomache. To think that I will never hug him or be near him again is torture and I lose my breath just thinking about it. I try to think of everyone that has gone through this and been able to move and and actually met someone new. But all I think about is "how does one do that" ......When does it stop hurting this much or if ever? I feel like I can't go on feeling like this......

[Mr. Lucky]

Assuming he feels the same way, why would you give up on a marriage where you have such strong feelings?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Bunnyrabbit]

Because there has been both physical and mental abuse. We started of as just friends and I told him everything including my past. He was always interested and loved hearing about that until he started having feelings for me. Now my past was suddenly a very bad thing and he had terrible issues with it. Believe me, I don't have more of a past than anyone else. He was just very jealous and insecure. So from then on he would bring up old stuff whenever or wherever throughout the years. I never knew when it would be brought up and he would ask the same questions all the time. I still don't know what kind of sick pay off he got from it. If I didn't answer his questions he would get violent and force me to answer. It did get better throughout the years with less fights and insecurities. But he could still get up in my face and I could never trust that he wouldn't do something. I was always left feeling "dead" inside after this kind of interrogation but I was never strong enough to leave. But a year ago I started realizing that I can't live a life of never feeling completely safe and that it wasn't right what he was doing. It was never really talked about because I know he would never change. He always felt entitled to keep his behaviour because I was the one with a past. So now I'm more left with wondering why I even think of him in only a good way and not concentrating on all these awful fights he picked with me. Yes, we had great times of course otherwise I couldn't have stayed. He had a wonderful side most of the time and that's the one I now think of and miss so terribly. But I want to focus on the bad things and I can't. I understand I have self esteem issues since I've allowed to be treated this way for so long. But it's still so painful and can anyone else share how they were able to move on??

[robfos]

For me it went something like this:

 

The first 2 weeks - was drunk most of the time. Pain was intense and unrelenting.

3rd week - started spending as much time with friends and family. Pain was a little better but not much. Time with others helped, but as soon as I was alone again I felt overwhelmed. Still drinking a lot but not as much.

4th week - still spending as much time as I can not being alone. Talk to whoever will listen about my pain and what I am feeling. Getting counseling. Drinking less, pain is diminishing. Still overwhelming at times, but less frequent and less intense.

5th week onward - pretty much repeating the 4th week

 

So, overall, the main things that helped me were spending time with supportive friends and family, talking about my pain to anyone who would listen as often as I could, getting professional counseling, and the passage of time. Drinking did not really help much, but it was an escape at times.

 

I know it's not the answer you want to hear, but for me at least it was the truth. I wanted a silver bullet too. I kept looking on forums and searching the internet for something that would just erase this pain from me. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. We have to work through our pain, face it, analyze it, question it. If you just let it sit there it will eat you alive.

[rolo99]

I'm just starting my 11th week since I was blindsided when my husband of 13 years came home & informed me that our marriage was over.

 

It's been like this (fyi...I work at home):

 

Week 1 & 2: work/cry/work/cry for 8.5 hrs, then out w/friends or home alone getting drunk & crying. Didn't eat, didn't sleep, had thoughts of killing myself. Got a lawyer.

 

Week 3 - Can go a work day without crying. Still getting drunk almost every night. Started seeing a therapist weekly.

 

Week 5 & 6 - Up to a whole day without crying. Drinking about 5 times a week. Down 9 lbs.

 

Week 6 - The last time I saw/spoke to the STBX when he was allowed one last visit to the house to get stuff, until it's final. Had friends over for support, which helped keep my sadness & anger in check. Cried hard for 4 days after. Thoughts of hurting myself happen daily.

 

Week 7 -Went to see some friends that gave me a pep talk. Had 4 full days of not crying. Most since it started.

 

Week 8 - Climbed a small mountain, cried but proud of my accomplishment. Went home, cried & slept.

 

Week 9 -Trying to keep busy, stlll drinking, starting to function better. Ran into STBX at a local store. Left immediately without talking.

 

Week 10 - Been a wreck. Feeling like I'm back at weeks 1&2. Not drinking as much but not eating much either. Just spend every minute at home, and frequently in my car, sobbing. One night started scratching myself with a knife, looking to change the source of pain.

 

I wish I could tell you that it gets easier. It does start to, then WAM....it seems to go right back to where I started. I'm tired of hurting.

 

 

 

 

For me it went something like this:

 

The first 2 weeks - was drunk most of the time. Pain was intense and unrelenting.

3rd week - started spending as much time with friends and family. Pain was a little better but not much. Time with others helped, but as soon as I was alone again I felt overwhelmed. Still drinking a lot but not as much.

4th week - still spending as much time as I can not being alone. Talk to whoever will listen about my pain and what I am feeling. Getting counseling. Drinking less, pain is diminishing. Still overwhelming at times, but less frequent and less intense.

5th week onward - pretty much repeating the 4th week

 

So, overall, the main things that helped me were spending time with supportive friends and family, talking about my pain to anyone who would listen as often as I could, getting professional counseling, and the passage of time. Drinking did not really help much, but it was an escape at times.

 

I know it's not the answer you want to hear, but for me at least it was the truth. I wanted a silver bullet too. I kept looking on forums and searching the internet for something that would just erase this pain from me. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. We have to work through our pain, face it, analyze it, question it. If you just let it sit there it will eat you alive.

[Bunnyrabbit]

It didn't really make me feel better but I appreciate your honesty even thought it's brutal to hear. I guess the only way out of this is going through it and suffer. I just wish I could concentrate on all his bad sides and our fights instead on focusing the good times we had. Your mind is really playing mindtricks on you and it's killing me................

[Mr. Lucky]

But we did have love and chemistry and we tried making it work

 

Although I have so much love for him still I know in my heart that we can't make it work.

 

I want to focus on everything that was bad but my mind only goes to his good sides that I miss.

 

To think that I will never hug him or be near him again is torture and I lose my breath just thinking about it.

 

Because there has been both physical and mental abuse.

 

If I didn't answer his questions he would get violent and force me to answer.

Your first and second posts sound like they're about two different people. I don't see many good times in physical abuse...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Simpleoldschool]

BR,

 

if i could say something.

 

Is it not going to work, because you've made the choice it wont. Is it truely too much.

 

first be a problem solver.

 

Both of you. Porblem solvers. Since inherantly the problem resides between both of you, both of you can, indeed fix it.

 

First, is there really any past worth focusing on. Everyday is indeed a new day.

 

as far as the ligitimate concerns of safety weigh in, has he ever hit you?

 

second as for whatever BAD things have happened, most negativity should be let go if you hope to move forward.

 

I am interested, what are his feelings in description towards you.

 

lets weigh what he says against what he has done. if you wouldnt mind. i dont want to give advice where full, important details are left out.

 

Now im going to approach what i do know, gently. some of your expieriences and pain could be abuse trauma. Trying to gain the approval you never had, out of any particular reason you were in love. First this love was real to you. you are very lucky regardless of the circumstances to have such a thing for someone. you are a perfectly normal person with perfectly normal feelings.

 

When you go out, there will be things expecially if you are in the same area that remind you of what happened. But if he is truely gone, then there will be pain but for purpouses of the argument. is this really someone worth hurting over, more than you already have. First you have a love bone. THATS RARE IN A WOMEN. second dont become bitter. You sound like a catch for the right guy. TAKE YOUR TIME AND PACE YOURSELF.

 

feel good about what you did toghether and thats it. do no cry, and if you do realize its ok to cry. cry as hard and as long as you want but realize things will be ok. they truly will be. someone else, if not him will love you in a way you had wanted to be loved in this relationship.

 

For woman, it will be a place of SAFETY. in your feelings and in this new mans arms. you can have that, and you should. Times will be lonly but love yourself most of all. WHATEVER YOUR DOING, your doing it. its your life, something only you could be doing.

 

At this point in time like i would instruct most people focus all that love on yourself.

 

Go to the mirror. look at yourself. Tell yourself you are an amazing person. someone amazing is standing infront of you, and that person is you. Say it aloud you LOVE yourself. You did everything you could, your very best and you suceeded at doing your best. THAT IS an accomplishment. Something you did. something you can be proud of. then smile at everyone you meet when you go out and do not think about him. focus on smileling. as deeply as you can, because you have something someone else wants. YOU , you are something someone is looking for. You will be ok and you are beautifull in all the ways someone wil tell you, you are.

 

Take your time and your pace. Never hurt, unless its nescesarry. take your time and live YOUR life. whatever the moment brings you.

 

GIRRRRRLLLL. put on some lipstick and laugh at those lips. kiss something i dont know. go out on the town. you can be you. wear a dress JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN. take on all new expieriences. and LAUGH LAUGH ALOT LAOT ALOT ALOT ALOT. and hard. for no apparent reason and then laugh because your laughing. thats a reason to laugh. go to a movie. talk to guys, to girls. get out there. those who want to be your friends will.

 

make your interests a part of YOUR LIFE AGAIN.

 

live...live...and then live some more.

 

HOEVER AVOID BARS RIGHT NOW. you are NOT ready for you emotion and alchohal to meet in the same place with other people.

 

watch this, and watch it again.

 

Stop Feeling Sad All The Time! - YouTube

 

he has alot of funny videos hahahahaha. feel better girl, your worth it to be happy about being you.

[Simpleoldschool]

Try this on your next go around.

 

Mentally love someone first. i mean find out if they are a person to invest in emotionally. Have fun with people you meet but make evaluation on their character. Dont jump into a relationship because it feels good. You have no idea how many thorns you are going to fall on.

 

Then when you have mentally taken into account traits that are worth falling in love with. fall in love. you will be sure you can trust this person.

 

as an excersize. write what you most love about yourself. these are reasons someone should love you.

 

Then write out what you want your next expierience to be like. in detail. all the traits you want in a man. dont make it a list that no one can fufill. dont make a cross-hatch between james bond arnold schwarzenegger and rambo with channing tatums personality and a notebook setting. lol.

 

also so you understand what having fun looks like alone watch this.

 

[Simpleoldschool]

sorry i meant to post this as a link edit.

 

The Best Break Up Advice Ever - YouTube

[Bunnyrabbit]

Thank you for taking the time to respond and making me feel better. It's scaring me how this is effecting me. I'm also shocked over my own reaction because the way I feel right now should have been how I felt the times he was mean to me! But I just filed that pain away I guess and ignored it. Although I do know those times when he went into his temper tantrums that I knew in deep inside my heart that we wouldn't last. I was just waiting for that day when I was able to move on. That day never came because I never really took that step. Well, we both kind of did. I gave up when a Medium told me that the marriage was over. That helped me realize we need to move on but I never thought I'd feel this way. It's to the point where I don't know how to get through the day and especialle the nights. I'm not one to go out either. It's hurting me to know how he is just moving on with his life while I'm suffering the way I am. Although I'm the one that should be glad it's over because I don't want to be treated bad again. But I keep wondering how other people break up so easily and move on??? While I'm in such pain and can't even imagine being with anyone else ever again???

[robfos]

But I keep wondering how other people break up so easily and move on??? While I'm in such pain and can't even imagine being with anyone else ever again???

 

I think the only way two people can do that is if they never really had a strong connection in the first place.

 

This is probably not the best time to be thinking about another relationship; while you are in in all this pain. You need to work on yourself, healing and moving on. But maybe you can think about one thing. Imagine meeting someone who can give you that connection you had with him, without the threat of physical or mental abuse?

[Bunnyrabbit]

That was an AHA moment like Oprah would have said! I realize I have big issues with self and I really think this is supposed to happen. So I don't sit here and question why it happened. But to get through this is so very hard.

But what you just said is so true and I want to take that with me and try to focus on. Thank you for that!!!!!

[GuyInLimbo]

You're in the grieving stage. You need to go through it. But you will come out the other side.