paigej91 Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 (edited) So I've got a situation on my hands that I was hoping to get some outsider input on (I apologize for the length in advance). There's a guy I've been going on dates with for awhile on a regular basis. We met in a business setting, which I think is important to mention because it shapes the relationship we have to some extent. We met randomly, ended up getting coffee to talk about business, and found out we get along famously-we talked for 2-2.5 hours about all kinds of things (most of it non-business related) instead of the 30 or so minutes we scheduled. We connected extremely well during this, and since then we've been going on dates (Most of it has been "1-2 drinks and conversation" dates, but there's been a couple more original dates as well). Going off of this, I don't think it'd be crazy for me to say he's "different" than other guys I've dated or been interested in. I don't feel like I'm illogically obsessed and "crazy" about this guy like I have been with others. While I do think about him constantly, I don't feel irrational like I usually am; the chemistry isn't making me head-over-heels/illogical, but there certainly is a quiet, more calm kind of connection/chemistry. Instead of it just being superficial interest and curiosity, I genuinely like this guy a lot as a person and it feels so natural/easy to just talk to and be with him. I'm also physically attracted to him, but I seriously can't get enough of his character/intellect/etc. (I am guessing this is similar on his end. He "enjoys spending time with me", though I know my physique is also a big part of it for him). We've gone on at *least* 6 dates (probably 7-8 though) by this point (we haven't had sex, but we've been physical), and so I really don't see him in only this professional light anymore. Even though there's a 5 year age difference and I still have 1 year left of college (he works full-time), I can see us being in a relationship. This is where I am having issues, though, due to limited experiences with the late stages of dating and moving into relationships. I am afraid that we are starting to stagnate, because we've been on multiple dates, but he does not seem to be there entirely emotionally (or maybe even know what he wants) yet. When I've brought it up (nicely, but direct enough) he either says as little as possible, or he responds by asking me the same question back. Is it possible that we still need to date more? Despite this issue, he treats me well and is very nice to me overall, and talks to me on a regular basis (he even tells me WHERE he is/what he's doing). And he always pays for me, so he seems to have some kind of interest besides sex. We haven't spent any time together in the last 3 weeks (partially because of finals and both of our busy schedules/being out of town on weekends sometimes), which I also find concerning. He still initiates texts with me, though. And he will say things about doing things in the future like "I'll tell you about ___ next time we hang out". So my questions I'm hoping to get advice on are: 1. How should I deal with this ambiguous relationship/friendship right now? -He's definitely a "go-with-the-flow" person and never plans/thinks anything ahead in his daily life (whereas I'm opposite), so maybe nothing is wrong and it's just his style. 2. What does it sound like is going on right now? If this situation sounds similar to anyone else's experiences, please share details 3. Do we still need to date more or should things be getting exclusive by this point? Thank you SO much in advance for the help! Edited May 27, 2013 by paigej91
RedRobin Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 These are only things you will know by asking him yourself. Tell him how you feel, like you did here, and see how it goes.
Visforvampire544 Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 I know how you feel. I couldn't gauge my girlfriend's interest level at first (still can't to a degree now!) but I was lucky that valentines day was looming which was the perfect way to make us exclusive, as cheesy as it is People move at different paces, but his actions you've mentioned sound similar to mine. If you really feel like you want to be in a relationship then it's probably best to outline to him where you see things going to better understand his interest level and see if he meets your needs. Who knows, he could be wondering the same as you but is too shy to admit it. Hope all goes well! 1
Adele0908 Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 From what I can tell he is not looking for a relationship and is just going with the flow. If you want things to progress you will have to be patient, and be yourself. What would make him want to be exclusive is if you were fun to be around, not overly serious, and not too concerned about being boyfriend and girlfriend. If you want to see how interested he is, simply drift away to do your own thing and live your life. You can still keep it friendly, but let him miss you. It will give him time to think about what he likes about you, and could escalate the relationship.
Star Gazer Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 From what I can tell he is not looking for a relationship and is just going with the flow. Agreed. I also don't get the sense, given the stagnation, that he wants anything to change/progress.
Author paigej91 Posted May 27, 2013 Author Posted May 27, 2013 (edited) What would make him want to be exclusive is if you were fun to be around, not overly serious, and not too concerned about being boyfriend and girlfriend. If you want to see how interested he is, simply drift away to do your own thing and live your life. You can still keep it friendly, but let him miss you. It will give him time to think about what he likes about you, and could escalate the relationship. This is good advice, and sounds a lot like how he must think. I've been doing exactly this (being busy and not initiating anything), and he still keeps coming around and talking to me. How long is too long to be unconcerned about being boyfriend/girlfriend? At what point would I just be someone he's stringing along? I know some people (including myself) can be very ambivalent, but I still plan to just view this as a "friendship" until he does something that shows he wants to go to the next level. Edited May 27, 2013 by paigej91
Author paigej91 Posted May 28, 2013 Author Posted May 28, 2013 Thanks for the advice everyone! Anyone else have some input or insight?
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