How to proceed with separated man???

[Frank13]

frank, you've apparently missed the part that this guy is separated, (STILL MARRIED) and it's highly probable that he is still married, not even separated at all. That is reason enough to not go there, never mind the other RED flags.

 

Do tell us........do you date separated/married women? You've had experience in this area?

 

Plenty of separated guys and gals whos marriage is dead. When you have a house together and investments like 401K with a lot of money, it's not so easy to just divorce. In community property states the assets will be split. Who wants to see half their assets gone or worse because of a vengeful spouse. Some people even choose to stay married, for example to give insurance to the spouse, while in a relationship with someone else.

 

If he is cheating on his wife and playing both the wife and Daisy, of course she shouldn't have anything to do with him. Howver, no one knows the true story.

[daisybuchanan55]

Frank, any thoughts on my texts?

 

My other option would be to send something completely breezy, as if I wasn't aware any time had gone by at all, like...

 

"Hey Mike! Just wanted to see how you were doing. How's the new place? The kids? Fill me in! :)"

 

Short and breezy or was my longer (and obviously WAY riskier) "honest" message better?

[Frank13]

Oh and maybe add in, "And also thank you again so much for the other week. I honestly had such a fantastic time :)"

 

Does that indicate enough interest?

 

No. You have to repair the damage so have to sort of bend over backwards to show you are interested.

 

I would be a little more forward. Tell him you think there might have been a misunderstanding, that you had a great time, and that you really would like to see him again. Maybe even suggest a day.

 

This way you don't have to explain anything but you are making it clear you want to see him again.

 

I know that goes against your rules of him being the man, but you either want to see where it goes with this guy or you don't

[whichwayisup]

Plenty of separated guys and gals whos marriage is dead. When you have a house together and investments like 401K with a lot of money, it's not so easy to just divorce. In community property states the assets will be split. Who wants to see half their assets gone or worse because of a vengeful spouse. Some people even choose to stay married, for example to give insurance to the spouse, while in a relationship with someone else.

 

If he is cheating on his wife and playing both the wife and Daisy, of course she shouldn't have anything to do with him. Howver, no one knows the true story.

 

ALL the more reason for her to not run and pursue this guy. Even if he IS separated, it's so new. He just moved out and is dating and testing the waters?

[whichwayisup]

Frank, any thoughts on my texts?

 

My other option would be to send something completely breezy, as if I wasn't aware any time had gone by at all, like...

 

"Hey Mike! Just wanted to see how you were doing. How's the new place? The kids? Fill me in! :)"

 

Short and breezy or was my longer (and obviously WAY riskier) "honest" message better?

 

I really think you're making a mistake but by reading what you're saying, I can tell you're going to text him and go for it, see how it all plays out.

 

Don't ask him anything! Not about his kids, his new place, or his ex wife. Nothing! Just send a text saying, just wanted to say hi, hope to hear from you soon. That's it. Short , sweet and to the point.

[1FootOut]

After sending the text, are you prepared for yet another period of waiting for a reply?...Receiving a reply from his WIFE?...or even ANOTHER WOMAN who he HAS invited to the apartment?

 

I think that will just make things worse for you.

Also, it may be possible that the date didn't mean as much to him as it meant to you, and this guy has no idea that you are sitting at home with your stomach in knots over him.

[Frank13]

 

Frank, I'm curious where your advice is coming from. Did you have some experience where a girl was behaving in a similar way to me and you took it to mean "uninterested"?

 

Yes, I had a similar experience. When I saw the woman I thought she was one of the most gorgeous women I had ever seen. Never thought I'd even get to talk to her.

 

Went out a couple times and got the same lack of interest in texts. Many times she didn't reply at all. Even called her and left voicemail but she never called me back. Then when I disappeared because I thought she wasn't interested, she would text. As soon as I replied, it was back to the lack of interest and no replies.

 

It got to the point where she made me feel bad about myself. Do you know what that did? It made me not want to be around her and she became very unattractive to me. I finally had enough and disappeared. Never heard from her again and if I did, I would never reply.

 

I still don't have a clue if she was playing it cool (the dates went very well) or if she really wasn't interested but when she made me feel bad about myself, I didn't want her in my life.

[daisybuchanan55]

At this point I am 80% convinced he got back with his wife so yes, I am prepared for no answer. And yes I considered his wife or some other woman reading it, which is why I am not sending anything over the weekend and am going to wait until I know he is at work.

 

I just want to send this to eliminate Frank's possibility that he thinks I'm not into him.

 

I won't ask him about anything personal. Agree now sending something short is all that's necessary. I don't really think a text message, now that I'm thinking of it, is the appropriate place to get into in-depth conversation anyway. If he has half a brain cell he'll realize that the act of me reaching out at all indicates interest. The content probably isn't that important.

[daisybuchanan55]

And btw Frank I wasn't as elusive as your woman was. I remember one thing in particular I did that made no sense was when he wished me a safe flight early in the day, I didn't respond for eight hours...until after I had landed. Still, my response was plenty chatty and friendly. It just came eight hours later.

 

The rest of the trip went that way. Long pauses between texts. Sometimes he would double text and I'd wait again, but I'd always EVENTUALLY respond.

 

Will admit though, I was NOT anywhere near my level of chatty prior to the date. I'm a storyteller when I text...I'm talking long paragraphs and I respond at lightening speeds...and here I was, waiting and waiting.

[Frank13]

After sending the text, are you prepared for yet another period of waiting for a reply?...Receiving a reply from his WIFE?...or even ANOTHER WOMAN who he HAS invited to the apartment?

 

At least she would know wouldn't she? We could make up more what ifs.

 

What if he was glad to hear from her? What if he felt she wasn't really interested, but she showed him she was and he was happy to see her again.

I think that will just make things worse for you.

Also, it may be possible that the date didn't mean as much to him as it meant to you, and this guy has no idea that you are sitting at home with your stomach in knots over him.

 

Yeah, that's why he would double and triple text. He kept initiating, and guess what? The op made it look like she was blowing him off.

 

You can't keep taking from a guy, never giving, and expect it to go anywhere. If he takes you out on a few dates and pays, inviting him to your place for dinner would be a way to reciprocate and show you aren't just a taker.

 

The OP needs to learn that it is give and take. No guy wants to feel used. No guy wants to put in all the effort for no return.

 

Then when she shows lack of interest and the guy does what any sane man would do, all the ladies paint him as an axe murderer.

 

Frankly, if he kept doing what he was doing, you would all be saying he is insecure and have a million other reasons why she shouldn't see him again.

[2sunny]

Since he portrayed himself as separated - IF you intend to contact (I'd call) do it over the weekend - that should give you an idea if he's available or busy.

[Frank13]

And btw Frank I wasn't as elusive as your woman was. I remember one thing in particular I did that made no sense was when he wished me a safe flight early in the day, I didn't respond for eight hours...until after I had landed. Still, my response was plenty chatty and friendly. It just came eight hours later.

 

The rest of the trip went that way. Long pauses between texts. Sometimes he would double text and I'd wait again, but I'd always EVENTUALLY respond.

 

Will admit though, I was NOT anywhere near my level of chatty prior to the date. I'm a storyteller when I text...I'm talking long paragraphs and I respond at lightening speeds...and here I was, waiting and waiting.

 

Wow. Did you ever hear the saying "We make time for things and people who are important to us"?

 

Eventually responding doesn't let you off the hook. I have seen threads from women who were in this guy's position saying "Even if he is busy, it only takes 30 seconds to reply to a text". Why is it so important to them that the guy responds quickly, but not the woman?

 

Can you honestly read what I quoted you saying above and not see how he felt you weren't interested? Really?

Edited June 2, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Frank13]

Since he portrayed himself as separated - IF you intend to contact (I'd call) do it over the weekend - that should give you an idea if he's available or busy.

 

I agree and especially with the calling. Too much had been screwed up to hope a text will be taken the right way. He may want to respond to a text but wait for a second text from you to prove you are really interested. You may take his lack of response as not being interested and never text him again.

 

If you call, you guys can work it out better. You can chose to explain your side depending how he reacts. You will be able to accomplish more in a 10 minute call than in a day of texting. Heck, you may even be on the phone for hours.

 

As a guy in this situation, my respect for you would go through the roof if you came clean and told me you were acting uninterested because you were nervous, playing it cool, etc and didn't want to mess things up because you like me a lot.

 

Being half assed at this point would make me think your actions and statements aren't matching and I would be suspicious of your motives. What a relief it would be to him to find out your actions were because you really were interested in him. Remember, you already blew it with him. You have nothing to lose at this point.

[Frank13]

Daisy, take it from a old lady who has learned some hard lessons, NEVER EVER bend over backwards for a man, especially one that you have just met. Please don't yield to that kind of advice. Men respect women who have boundaries and who value themselves and won't twist themselves up like a pretzel to be available on the man's terms. If a woman gives her power away at the beginning by "bending over backwards", she will always be at a disadvantage and it sets the tone for the future. Bending over backwards is not a sign of a healthy romantic relationship.

 

Good advice, IF The woman hasn't gone and messed things up from the start. I would never tell anyone to bend over backwards to the guy if things were going well. But when she messed things up as she did, she now has to do a little repair work.

[Frank13]

Well that explains why you are projecting what happened to you onto Daisy.....because you didn't get the outcome you wanted. Your past negative experience shouldn't be the reason you are encouraging a young woman to take high unnecessary risks, on a man who may have been lying about this separation.

 

"MAY HAVE BEEN LYING". You are taking your past experiences and projecting what happened to you onto Daisy because you didn't get the outcome you wanted.

 

Your past negative experiences should not be the reason you are encouraging this woman to throw away a potentially great relationship without a shred of proof.

 

According to you, all women should not date because they would be taking a risk.

 

No one has shown why they guy is so bad other than taking wild guesses. She showed lack or interest. He got the hint and left her alone. How can no one see that? If he hadn't you would be calling him a stalker.

[Frank13]

At this point I am 80% convinced he got back with his wife so yes, I am prepared for no answer. And yes I considered his wife or some other woman reading it, which is why I am not sending anything over the weekend and am going to wait until I know he is at work.

 

I just want to send this to eliminate Frank's possibility that he thinks I'm not into him.

 

I won't ask him about anything personal. Agree now sending something short is all that's necessary. I don't really think a text message, now that I'm thinking of it, is the appropriate place to get into in-depth conversation anyway. If he has half a brain cell he'll realize that the act of me reaching out at all indicates interest. The content probably isn't that important.

 

Okay, it is obvious you think you know more how guys think than a guy does. You have no proof whatsoever that he is back with his wife. He was in Paris for months and moved out within two weeks (which I think is quick to find a place and get power and water and move). But you are 80% sure he is back with his wife. Tell me where you got your crystal ball from because I would like to know the facts with no evidence.

 

You are right that a text is not is not the appropriate place for an in depth conversation. That is why you should call him. That way you two can go as little or as far as you want based on how the call goes. You talked for 7 hours on a first date and had a great time! But now all he is worth is a half assed text.

 

You want to make a half assed gesture and expect him to fall at your feet. When it fails, and it will because everything you have done since the date was opposite from how you were before the date, you will say "See Frank, I told you so".

 

Do the guy a favor and don't contact him. Find someone else to play games with. He deserves better. If I were him and read the stuff you wrote here, I'd think there was something wrong with you and would never want to see you again.

 

You and everyone wants to keep thinking you treated him perfectly and he just disappeared. That is not what happened. Take responsibility for your actions in making him disappear. Sounds to me like you want someone to stalk you.

 

I am done wasting my time. Some people you just can't reach.

 

P.S. Never date again. Evey guy MIGHT really be married, seeing someone else, lying, poor, a criminal, or just not perfect etc etc etc.

Edited June 2, 2013 by Frank13

[daisybuchanan55]

Okay, it is obvious you think you know more how guys think than a guy does. You have no proof whatsoever that he is back with his wife. He was in Paris for months and moved out within two weeks (which I think is quick to find a place and get power and water and move). But you are 80% sure he is back with his wife. Tell me where you got your crystal ball from because I would like to know the facts with no evidence.

 

You are right that a text is not is not the appropriate place for an in depth conversation. That is why you should call him. That way you two can go as little or as far as you want based on how the call goes. You talked for 7 hours on a first date and had a great time! But now all he is worth is a half assed text.

 

You want to make a half assed gesture and expect him to fall at your feet. When it fails, and it will because everything you have done since the date was opposite from how you were before the date, you will say "See Frank, I told you so".

 

Do the guy a favor and don't contact him. Find someone else to play games with. He deserves better. If I were him and read the stuff you wrote here, I'd think there was something wrong with you and would never want to see you again.

 

You and everyone wants to keep thinking you treated him perfectly and he just disappeared. That is not what happened. Take responsibility for your actions in making him disappear. Sounds to me like you want someone to stalk you.

 

I am done wasting my time. Some people you just can't reach.

 

P.S. Never date again. Evey guy MIGHT really be married, seeing someone else, lying, poor, a criminal, or just not perfect etc etc etc.

 

 

I think calling would be a TERRIBLE idea, given that I have no idea the reason for his disappearance. Maybe it's my fault; maybe it's his. Who knows? If I call him and apologize for disappearing and being nervous and everything else you suggested, I could end up looking like an idiot if what's really going on is that he decided to get back together with his wife!

 

Maybe it's lame but personally I am more comfortable with a text. Even a double text. I'll make sure it conveys interest. And whether or not he responds will give me an indication of where exactly he is. Right now I haven't the slightest clue. I can speculate all I want, but when it comes down to it, no one really knows.

 

I understand where you're coming from and appreciate your advice Frank, but please know that my actions/thought process are not coming from an entitled, evil place. They are coming from a desire to protect myself from getting hurt or repeating mistakes I made in the past. Last year I was involved with a man and I had to do a lot of initiating. He never once took me a nice, real date...we only hung out at his place, went for drinks, etc. During this time I developed STRONG feelings for him, and little did I know I was just one in a rotation of women. It really did a number on me and I'm afraid of that happening again.

 

What I need to tell myself here is that this man already invested more in those seven hours and the previous week/few days after than I got out of the entire relationship with the guy from last year. Looking back, I can see he was in no place for a commitment and never indicated so...I was simply seeing what I wanted to see and ignoring the rest, making excuses for his bad behavior.

 

I want to believe this current man is a good guy with honest intentions. He took me on a wonderful date, put a lot of effort and money into the entire thing and showed a genuine interest in me. This man is NOT the guy from last year.

 

So, before you villify me for behaving this way with this new guy, just know that last time I was so excited about a man, it ended with me alone in my bed crying after we'd have sex because I knew he didn't love me or even really care about me. I'm afraid for that to happen again and don't want to take the risks I did with the last guy if it will mean feeling like **** about myself all over.

 

My response is naturally to want him to do all the initiating. I guess I never thought of things from his perspective, which, if he's telling the truth, are that he has been beat down way worse than I was in a loveless marriage and was just looking for some positive, genuine conversation with a pleasant human being. He found that with me and I am 100% positive this guy thought I was the absolute bee's knees.

 

I agree risk-taking is sometimes necessary in relationships. I will take a risk here and contact him, but I cannot fathom a phone call because I just know I would blabber on and on and there is still a chance he is trying to work it out with his wife and I'd look like a pathetic nutcase.

[ComingInHot]

Maybe this has already been said and I missed it but (to me) Daisy's question should be:

 

 

How do I proceed w/a MM who is Married but tells me he is separated?

 

Kind of like, how would one proceed w/a MM who is _________________ (insert adjective here) Living in another state, living w/an abusive W, is a serial cheater, is a coworker, can't have children, is 14 years older....

 

My point? He is STILL a MM so (as usual) my answer would be, You Don't! He Is Married!

Daisy, please consider the fact that you are asking how you should proceed w/a MM, and is that something you are willing to accept for Yourself, and ALL that it implies*

CIH*

[daisybuchanan55]

I honestly don't know enough about the situation to cast judgement on it. Again, we only went out once, and obviously didn't spend the majority of the date talking about his marital issues.

 

I have no clue how close he is to divorce/if he's filed papers/talked to a lawyer.

 

There is A LOT of money/assets/children involved. I don't really know much about divorce but I would imagine this would complicate the process.

[CarrieT]

You went out ONCE.

 

He disappeared.

 

 

THAT ALONE should be enough for you to walk away. Don't you get that?

 

If he were interested, you would have heard from him.

 

I seriously hope you don't send those series of texts you were considering. They scream obsession.

[CarrieT]

Let's reiterate the important points, shall we?

 

I honestly don't know enough about the situation to cast judgement on it.

You don't know what is going on, yet you are projecting hopes into and onto the situation.

 

Again, we only went out once, and obviously didn't spend the majority of the date talking about his marital issues.

This is a HUGE one! You only met the guy ONCE and you already developed an attachment?!?!?!

 

 

I have no clue how close he is to divorce/if he's filed papers/talked to a lawyer.

Again - correct! His wife may not even know if he is thinking of leaving her. Talked to a lawyer? How do you even know if he and his wife are REALLY discussing divorce? Maybe he was projecting his desires.

 

There is A LOT of money/assets/children involved. I don't really know much about divorce but I would imagine this would complicate the process.

Which is why there might not even be a divorce. A lot of very wealthy people stay married - and cheat! - because of the assets.

 

 

 

Walk away, walk away, walk away....

[neveragain34]

What I need to tell myself here is that this man already invested more in those seven hours and the previous week/few days after than I got out of the entire relationship with the guy from last year. Looking back, I can see he was in no place for a commitment and never indicated so...I was simply seeing what I wanted to see and ignoring the rest, making excuses for his bad behavior.

 

I speak for most of us (except Frank), when I say we can't wait till you reach the same level of awakening of your current situation with MM, stop seeing only what you want to see, realize he is in no place for a commitment either, and then stop making excuses for his bad behavior.

[daisybuchanan55]

Just an update: I texted him this morning just saying how is everything? Kept it short and light!

 

He responded right away that his kids begged him to try and make the marriage work so that's what he is doing, he had a great time with me, he's sorry for being MIA but that's what is going on, then asked how I was.

 

At least I have my answer! I now realize in the back of my mind I had to do that in order to make sure it was nothing I did. I'm really happy I did that.

 

I responded I completely understand, I respect what he's doing, admire his commitment to his family etc. And I really do.

 

Now I can move on and not be constantly wondering.

[daisybuchanan55]

And by the way, I'm SO happy to prove all the posters wrong who assumed this guy was a lying, cheating *******.

 

He proved to be quite the opposite, being upfront when I reached out about his decision to work things out with his wife and I respect that even if it's not the outcome I wanted. Anyone should be so lucky to be married to a man like that!

[daisybuchanan55]

Why would he have any reason to lie to me if it's clear we aren't going to see each other again?

 

I may be naive but you seem incredibly bitter and cynical.