xo_dannie Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 My ex and I have been on and off for about 5 years. We broke up after almost 2 years and it was extremely hard for me. I cried almost every day, I could barely hold it together at work and didn't want to go out or do anything. After we broke up, he immediately hooked up with a girl that I extremely disliked. It was devastating because I had gone over to his house to try and make him talk to me but found him with her. BAD idea, I know. Anyway, it killed me and for months we didn't contact each other. During this time, I tried my best to stay positive. I hooked up with other guys, etc but I was in a lot of pain. I can't explain how damaged I was at that point in time. I felt so alone, angry, hurt... Then one day he showed up at my work and we talked for a couple minutes. At this point, I was starting to feel better and less broken up and I knew I could still keep going with the no contact thing BUT he ended up texting me. That broke me down and long story short, I kept talking to him and we started using each other to hook up although I was still in love with him. He wasn't just to make that clear, he still wanted to do him. He was probably going through G.I.G.S. or something. Even though he was sleeping with me, he was seeing other girls and partying etc while I was crying, feeling bad about myself etc. It was probably the darkest time in my life. So many points in time where I told him I couldn't see him anymore and he always got angry at me for trying to cut him out of my life. The thing was he was sending me mixed signals and false hope, telling me that the girls he was seeing, it wasn't going to work out etc. Then one day I just had enough and I stopped talking to him. Fast forward months later, he contacted me again. This time I had my guard up. I wasn't looking or expecting to get back together and I would only talk to him when he contacted me. I don't know what it was but he seemed like a very different person to me this time around. One night he invited me over just to talk and well, he asked me to try again. I agreed and so it began. It was great at first but I know that I wasn't completely over the things that he had done to me in the past. I guess all of that guilt and hurt sort of passed over into this relationship and we started arguing. Then one night, he went out clubbing. Crazy but I felt something was very, very wrong. Lo and behold the next day, he told me he had made out with another girl, enjoyed it and wanted to break up with me. It sounds cruel but he wasn't being cruel. He had a lot of issues he needed to work out and sort through. He even told me that he wanted to go see a therapist. At first I begged to work things out but of course that didn't work. I exploded on him once through text messages but in the end I told him that I was always here to be friends with him and so far I haven't contacted him in 2 weeks. This time, breaking up with him wasn't as difficult as it was the first time around. I am feeling so much better, I don't really "care" as much as I used to. I don't really know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. All I know is that if I want to move on and be happy the way I deserve, I need to forgive. Forgive him and whatever else is bringing me negative energy and it's great so far. I'm having a lot of fun, going out, meeting new people, hanging with my friends; just living life in the moment. Some days I miss him for a couple weak moments but the moments pass and I brush it off. I know I deserve a lot better but I also know that he isn't a bad person. I still love him and sometimes I think about us getting back together but then I think about being with other guys, living my life, being happy. I guess I can't make up my mind if it's a good thing because I am okay right now. I feel free and strong and I don't need anyone to make myself happy. But I don't know if its a bad thing because I'm a lot colder... uncaring? I have always been a very passionate person and I hope that all the trauma I suffered through doesn't make me heartless in the end as a way to protect myself from getting hurt again. Anyone else at the stage where you're starting to get over it? I know it's a wonderful thing to be so strong so I'm not complaining! Just never thought I'd reach this point. 1
Recommended Posts