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Should my girlfriend be making more effort with me?


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Posted

I've been with my girlfriend for 3 months now, but I'm starting to fear we may be encountering communication problems that need to be resolved. I'm 24 and she's 20.

 

My girlfriend is a very shy, laid-back and introverted person. Consequently, she very rarely shows her feelings towards me. She's even admitted herself that she's very 'stoic.' At first I saw this is a good quality as it meant her emotions are always in check - the last thing I need is someone who's constantly clingy and emotional.

 

But now I'm starting to worry as I'm getting virtually no affection from her at all. She rarely instigates conversations by text when we're apart or says she misses me, for example. If I don't contact her then after a few days I might get an impersonal "hi how are you" message, but lately our conversations have started to dry up. There's nothing to talk about other than work and her friends and I hate to admit that it's making me become bored. It just feels like we aren't connecting the same way anymore. What's bothering me the most, however, is that she very rarely asks to meet up, leaving me to do all the work - and she lives literally a minute's walk away down the road, to add insult to injury.

 

At first I didn't mind too much - after all, in the initial stages of dating it's all part of the fun of the chase. But now we're in a relationship I feel like she should be making more effort, and her lack of contact is making me feel very insecure and unwanted. I can't work out if it's her inherent laid back personality, a lack of interest or her being less invested in the relationship than I am. Surely things should feel more equal in a relationship?

 

I've noticed she has a particularly close relationship with her mother, which could be partly to blame as I believe she spends more time going out on daytrips and on holiday with her mother than the average person of her age. Her mother doesn't see her father all that often due to different working times, so it's almost as if she has become more dependent on my girlfriend to fill the void.

 

I've been wanting to talk to her about it, but I've put it off over the past month as she's been heavily stressed with university work and exams. I tried to be understanding and support her as best as I could. Now all her work was over, I was hoping things would turn around. It feels like we've barely seen each other for the past month or so, so I was hoping she would show more interest at this point now she's free.

 

But if anything these past couple of weeks have been worse. Last week following her exams I bought her flowers and treated her to an expensive meal to cheer her up and show that I cared and understand what she's been through as it was important to her. And yet instead of showing appreciation and making me feel loved and wanted we've had the usual pattern ever since: no contact for days followed by a "hi how are you" check-in message. Except this time I've not asked to meet up as I want to see how long it takes her to show the initiative.

 

I should also mention we have quite difficult schedules to work with, which doesn't help either. I work full time and she works on weekends. So if we meet on a weekend evening it's usually only for a couple of hours or so as she becomes too tired and needs to be up early. Again, she's worth it to me so I don't mind staying a bit longer on weeknights but it doesn't seem to bother her when she needs to go early. It's all become very frustrating for me considering how close we live to each other.

 

Despite all the negatives, I am very into her. She's a very nice, elegant and genuine girl that is rare to come by, so I don't want to lose her if I can help it.

 

Should I ask her to try and make more of an effort with me? If so, how do I do that without offending her and appearing needy/clingy/insecure etc? Any input would be much appreciated.

Posted

Despite all the negatives, I am very into her. She's a very nice, elegant and genuine girl that is rare to come by, so I don't want to lose her if I can help it.

 

Should I ask her to try and make more of an effort with me? If so, how do I do that without offending her and appearing needy/clingy/insecure etc? Any input would be much appreciated.

 

Despite the problems you're mentioning, I think it sounds like you really respect this girl and fear losing her because you might not come by the same kind of girl again. You mentioned in the very beginning what I think is the problem in your relationship: COMMUNICATION. You can't really avoid the awkwardness of bringing these concerns up, so you just have to tell her (nicely of course) what has been bothering you. Once she knows what's bothering you, she will hopefully change her behavior (if it doesn't, then maybe it's time to consider moving on).

 

It doesn't make you sound needy or insecure at all to bring this up. In many ways, I am a lot like the girl you mentioned, but I show affection and text him enough so that I don't appear too stoic. If your girlfriend is anything like me, she would probably respond well to a straightforward approach. She can't read your mind as to what is bothering you, and she's probably thinking everything is fine since you haven't mentioned it. It may hurt her a little to hear, but you're being honest and showing you want to make it work.

 

Good luck!

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Posted (edited)

Thanks for the replies so far.

 

I suggest not calling her and see if she contacts you, if not then I would suggest you move on.

 

Yeah this is exactly what I've been doing. 3 days later I got the obligatory "hi how are you text" but I didn't instigate interest in meeting. Another two days went by and she finally asked if I fancied "hanging out for a bit" - on the one day I happened to be busy so I had to turn her down. Again, this could have been avoided if she communicated with me. I asked the following day when she was free which was today. It's now been eight days since I last saw her, which feels a little strange considering how close we live. I actually feel nervous about seeing her. Because she's stoic I'm not feeling as if the time apart has bothered her - particularly when she's away on holiday for a week in a weeks time.

 

It doesn't make you sound needy or insecure at all to bring this up. In many ways, I am a lot like the girl you mentioned, but I show affection and text him enough so that I don't appear too stoic. If your girlfriend is anything like me, she would probably respond well to a straightforward approach. She can't read your mind as to what is bothering you, and she's probably thinking everything is fine since you haven't mentioned it. It may hurt her a little to hear, but you're being honest and showing you want to make it work.

 

Good luck!

 

How would you suggest I bring it up? I'm essentially asking for more attention which I'm worried could come across the wrong way. I'm having problems trying to put what's bothering me into words, really.

 

The other thing that frustrates me is the limited time we seem to spend together. I'm lucky if I get a couple of hours in an evening, but I can't see a way around this as she gets extremely tired from work. It's torture when she lives so near by! Like I said she works weekends whereas I work weekends, so it's a difficult schedule to work around. We also just end up coming to mine all the time lately so I'm trying to think of ways to spice things up as I'm paranoid we're starting to become bored with each other and drift apart.

Edited by Visforvampire544
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