Dealing With Being Dumped for Someone Else

[kadmoore]

Hi everyone,

I'm new to this website and decided to join and post for two reasons. First, I wanted to stop feeling alone. Like I was the only one going through the pain of being dumped by someone I truly loved and also because I wanted to share my story.

I was recently dumped by my boyfriend that I had for close to 2 years. Within these two years we has several breakups as well as down periods. The thing is, when he got together with me, he has just gotten out of a deep relationship with an ex that had been going on for years in an on and off manner. Therefore, in our relationship he kept having doubts of whether he wanted to be with her or me that repeated itself every few months or so. Naïve me, I thought it would go away, I thought he would just have to grieve his ex and we would be able to be together. But the years only showed me that he would probably never get over her and I was right because he dumped me two weeks before our two year anniversary to go back with her.

 

Over the past few days I realize it is not only the fact that we broke up that is hard to take. By taking a few steps back I could see that we clearly could not go on in that manner. I lost all trust I had in him and the relationship was causing me great anxiety and stress. I could no longer think about myself, I was completely obsessed with doing everything I possibly could to keep him with me. It was emotionally draining. This is so not because I kept fighting, but hearing him talk to me about his confusion and tell me that he could never love me like he loves her really got to me. I didn't see my self worth anymore. I was just glued to him like a drug. So what hurts the most is no matter how much I tried, how much I loved him, it wasn't enough to keep him with me. He left me anyway regardless of how much I cared about our relationship.

 

I would understand if he left me because he though we were no longer a match, but he left me for a woman who which he broke up with multiple times and had so many problems with. He kept breaking up and getting back together with her over and over again and the same problems kept resurfacing. So I keep asking myself why ? Why would he leave me to go back to something that clearly did not work after trying time and time again. How could he believe that it could possibly work after he left her so many times, cheated on her and broke up because he thought things were not right ?

 

With that said, the explanations for this and the things he told me the day we broke up were very hurtful and disrespectful. He told me that even though he tried he could never love me like he loves her and that he simply has to try with her again. He told me that he would apply everything that he learnt with me in his new trial with her. He said that he is thankful that he met me and had a chance to be with me because I changed him and now , finally, he is ready to be with her. This angered and saddened me. It makes me feel like all I was for him was a tool. A course and now he's ready for the job. It make me feel like I meant nothing to him. He even says that he will go to therapy to work on his commitment issues and that everything will be perfect and well with his "soul mate" which is clearly not me. This is what I cannot yet simply get over and I don't know how to.

 

A part of me still wonders if it's my fault, If I just wasn't good enough. I begged him to say and I promised I would change out of desperation. But I have to realize that I am better than that and I deserve to be treated well. It just really hurts to know that while I am grieving , sad, depressed and lonely at home, he is working on his relationship with her and is happy. A part of me wants him to be mopping, wants him to be sad over us. A part of me even wants his new relationship with his ex to fall to pieces so that he can realize that he made a mistake leaving me. Not necessarily because I want him back, but because at least I could know that I did mean something. That he just didn't wipe me out of his life one day and did not care the about us.

 

Tomorrow is going to make it a week since we parted, a week since we are no longer in each other lives and I am still hurting. I know its a process and one day Ill be okay. But, I spend my days in sadness thinking about where he is and what he's doing with her. I'm trying to be strong but it is hard. This is my first real relationship seeing that I am turning 20 in august and people say the first is always the worst. A part of me wishes it never happened, but I know I have to come to terms with it one day.

 

However, he actually left her all times. He kept saying that they are not compatible and blah. And now all of sudden, thanks to me apparently, he's changed and now they can live happily ever after somehow! Because he realizes he has commitment issues n is now seeking therapy? What bout all his other issues , the lack of trust, communication ? It'll all magically disappear?

 

it's still pretty hard to take it all in. what does she have that I don't? Why would he go back with someone he broke up with at least 8 times with instead of being with me ? I'm hooked on this thought I just can't seem to let it go !!

Hopefully I will find love again and be happy one day. I just do not see it now.

 

Is anyone going through something similar or did in the past and would like to give advice or just share their stories ?

 

Or even if you haven't ?

 

I would really appreciate it to know that I am not alone and things do get better.

 

Thank you

 

Kad

[metal_chick]

Most of us get dumped for someone else. I've dated that kind of bloke. Wash, rinse, repeat. You can set a clock by them. Yes, the first relationship is the hardest. But you seem to at least know that things will get better from here.

 

Purge this loser from your life. Don't indulge him, just forget about him.

 

You handle breakups better the more you go through them. Implement a fool-proof strategy now, and I promise, it can be applied to every subsequent breakup, it will jump-start the healing process, and you'll spend less time dwelling on the end and more time focused on the future.

[siankat]

Part of me wonders if the reason you felt so much for him was because you never felt like you truly had him and his heart above all others? It's a vicious circle of never quite giving you enough so you chase more til you are so tightly wound all you can do is think about this other person and the relationship and how you can cut yourself some slack in it by bringing them closer to you so you can chill for a while and enjoy just being together with nothing to prove.

 

I ask this because that seems to be what transpired and having been in a similar situation where i felt i was not his number one choice, i remember trying to be on my A game the whole time, distracting him from something/someone else, fighting for a place in his heart as it seemed, he let me halfway in so i would work hard to get the other half in right? Wrong.

All to no avail and once i started noticing behaviour that i felt i could not accept, which was a basic lack of attention or focus on us, i let him go.

 

It sounds like you got in deep yourself with this guy. Are there things though that you can see objectively that you would have found hard to put up with longer term?

 

I had an ex, who returned to me time and again after being with others, but i didn't find it flattering in the end because i grew to dislike what he stood for as a person. I think if you can focus on his bad points it could help you in putting space between your feelings of wanting the real him, and the idealised image you may have of him.

[siankat]

Ps i doubt him and the on off ex will last...it never does. Maybe you were too good for him and he couldn't keep up! Maybe he didn't feel like top dog in the relationship! NOt how it's supposed to be but he probably didn't feel your equal and therefore will be happier playing in the mud with his safe old ex. You will hurt for a while, but while your horizons will have expanded, they will just be doing another lap around the same old track Do you think that sounds like fun?

 

C'mon girl you have better waiting for you Life is full of wonderful surprises. Keep being true to you and it's important more than ever to fight for your future, where someone will want and appreciate the whole of you and you will enjoy a much better type of relationship!