White lies... are they admissible?

[AverageCat]

I caught my girl in somewhat of a lie.

 

She had told me a while ago that she'd never contact her ex again after we got in an argument. (Ex is doormat kind of guy that keeps sending her texts saying he desperately loves her)

Fast forward to a few days ago, we were having a few rough days. She was getting jealous about one of my friends, who pretty much tried to kiss me, although there was nothing on my side, besides a friendship.

 

So she contacted her ex, who obviously gave her some validation and reassurance. After we talked things through and had an amazing weekend, she told me her ex had contacted her, but said she hadn't replied (LIE).

But she also told me how she feels bad about him, because they had been friends for a long while and he is drinking and crying every night thinking of her, which makes it kind of understandable.

 

Putting all the pieces together:

- I know this girl is IN LOVE with me.

- I know she wouldn't do anything big to compromise what we have.

- I also know she LIED to me about something, probably because she didn't want an argument to stem from it.

- I also am 99.9% sure she has no feelings with her ex anymore.

- I DO understand the contact with the EX. I don't understand the lie.

 

My options:

1. Just let it go.

2. Mention to her that her stories don't add up and if she wants to tell me she can.

3. Give her an ultimatum and if she still lies walk away.

[noneive]

I'm glad that you feel secure about your relationship. If you are sure she loves you and wants to stay with you, then she lied in order to not hurt you. She probably didn't want an argument and didn't want you to think that she is interested in her ex. However, lying is NOT okay in a real relationship. It is childish. I would talk to her and tell her you noticed that her stories don't match up and you're worried about why she told you a different story. (Don't say the word lie though!!) But make sure she knows you never want this to happen again. Good luck!

[AverageCat]

The problem is we had a huge argument about her lying over something similar a while ago. I was not very sure about the R back then.

 

Since then, she's been very careful, although I've caught her in a few lies.

- When she got jealous she told me these 2 guys had hit on her, when they actually hadn't.

- Contact with her ex, where she told him she has moved on and stuff, although he keeps telling her how he is living just to see her again. That's the only thing that would give meaning to his life (WTFFF?)

 

Honestly, I know that we all tell lies, and she is not doing anything TOO bad... but I would like for her to grow from these and to not be afraid of my judgement...

[joystickd]

The problem is we had a huge argument about her lying over something similar a while ago. I was not very sure about the R back then.

 

Since then, she's been very careful, although I've caught her in a few lies.

- When she got jealous she told me these 2 guys had hit on her, when they actually hadn't.

- Contact with her ex, where she told him she has moved on and stuff, although he keeps telling her how he is living just to see her again. That's the only thing that would give meaning to his life (WTFFF?)

 

Honestly, I know that we all tell lies, and she is not doing anything TOO bad... but I would like for her to grow from these and to not be afraid of my judgement...

She lied again so show her a$$ to the door. In terms of a relationship it has to be open and honest. If she lies to you then she don't respect you.

[noneive]

I don't know if you need to kick her out asap. But lying is a bad thing. Maybe it's okay between friends but it makes for an awful relationship. Just talk to her about it. She should NOT be trying to make you jealous though. She sounds a little insecure and needs to learn to trust you for a good relationship.

[joystickd]

I don't know if you need to kick her out asap. But lying is a bad thing. Maybe it's okay between friends but it makes for an awful relationship. Just talk to her about it. She should NOT be trying to make you jealous though. She sounds a little insecure and needs to learn to trust you for a good relationship.

He needs to kick her out asap because she lied and if she don't trust him then she don't respect him

[USMCHokie]

I hate white lies and make sure the girl knows that. For me, a habit or predisposition to tell white lies is a dealbreaker.

[Almond_Joy]

The problem is we had a huge argument about her lying over something similar a while ago. I was not very sure about the R back then.

 

Since then, she's been very careful, although I've caught her in a few lies.

- When she got jealous she told me these 2 guys had hit on her, when they actually hadn't.

- Contact with her ex, where she told him she has moved on and stuff, although he keeps telling her how he is living just to see her again. That's the only thing that would give meaning to his life (WTFFF?)

 

Honestly, I know that we all tell lies, and she is not doing anything TOO bad... but I would like for her to grow from these and to not be afraid of my judgement...

 

 

White lies grow into gray lies, then into huge and horrible black lies. Sounds dramatic, but I don't think people who lie without blinking about truly shameful acts wake up with the confidence to lie about doing things they know full well they're not supposed to be doing. They start with small lies to avoid conflict or for superficially good intentions (i.e. I don't want to hurt so and so - which I'll come back to at the end of this response), and then get comfortable with the small lies and tell bigger ones.

 

You didn't mention in your OP that this isn't the first time you've caught her in a lie.

 

If she thinks you let her or she can get away with lies when there's nothing going on, what do you think she'll try when she's got something really and truly bad to hide?

 

Nip this in the bud. Call her out on it and make it clear it's not okay for ANY reason and it needs to stop, like yesterday. This is all the more alarming because the lies are surrounding contact with an ex where there are still romantic feelings at play. Even if she loves you and you love her and you two would never INTENTIONALLY do anything to hurt each other - to me it looks like she's playing with fire. "Harmless" interactions like this are a breeding ground for infidelity or the "I don't know...it just happened" scenarios.

 

Also, this ex's delayed recovery is not her responsibility. This dude still wants her romantically. Is she going back to him? No? Then why do they still need to be talking to each other, if she's with you and you two have the relationship she wants? There's no reason. I get she feels bad for him, but having her in his life isn't gonna help him get over the breakup any faster. She's not really doing him any favors by keeping a close friendship up. The only reason I can see her doing this is because she's getting something from that friendship that she wants and isn't getting or seeking in her relationship with you.

 

A lot of people tell white lies for a seemingly good reason - they don't want to hurt someone they love. But to me, love and respect go hand in hand. So if you feel like you're with someone that can't understand or emotionally accept the things that you do then you don't feel like you can totally be yourself with that person do you? Furthermore, how much do you really trust and respect that person? That's how I look at it. To lie to someone you supposedly love and respect, in my eye, is an insult. You don't lie to someone you respect.

 

If she really wants to be with you she needs to be comfortable talking to you about what she does and why she does it, and trust that you will acknowledge and respect what she has to say even if you don't agree with her line of thought. In turn, she also needs to be willing to look at herself and how her actions serve to undermine the relationship. There are some behaviors that are simply detrimental to a healthy, fulfilling monogamous relationship. She needs to understand that and adjust her behavior accordingly if this relationship is a priority for her.

 

I know that was a long response but I really can't stand liars lol. If you really love, trust, and respect someone there's just no reason for it - not even small white ones.

Edited May 27, 2013 by Almond_Joy

[Joaquin]

If you call that a white lie it would be interesting to hear what you consider a proper lie.

[therhythm]

I hate white lies and make sure the girl knows that. For me, a habit or predisposition to tell white lies is a dealbreaker.

 

If you call that a white lie it would be interesting to hear what you consider a proper lie.

 

Pretty much the quoted... The minimum you should do is really tell her that lying to you is putting your trust in her at stake and is not helping the relationship.

Anyway I would not want to continue a relationship with someone who finds lying to me a normal thing to do.

[edelveis]

I believe that lies,even small ones,is a very bad things.a very bad habbit and red flag you shouldnt ignore or try to underestimate.dont take any rush desicions and give it a few more time.talk to her honnestly and tell her how you felt when she lied to you and that you cant stand lies and you wont be able to forgive her the next time she will lie to you.and see how things go.if she lies to you again then its time to let her go.best wishes and good luck!

[apple OR orange]

something doesnt smell right here, might re-read this later in more depth.

 

However its not the lie, its the subject..... women can be very good at covering there steps, they get to know YOU well enough to show you what they want you to see, so the fact your super secure means she knows what tell and not tell you to make sure you stay where you are.

 

Generally knowing a few minor points like that can show a huge problem below (icebergs are 90% below water, the tip is a very tiny part of a huge problem).

[soccerrprp]

She lied about responding to her ex when she knew that you wouldn't like that. AND, she has an ex that she is in communication with....why?

 

You're okay with that?

[Ed the 3rd]

Tell her to break contact with that pleb. If anything for his sake. If she doesn't then you have a problem.

[crederer]

That's not a white lie, bro.

 

A white lie is saying no when she asks if she looks fat.

[martys]

if she keeps lying it will slowly but surely ware on you man... if it carries on it will turn into you not being able to trust her... i've been there. you have to say something, a lie is a lie, and should not be present in a relationship... talk to her!

[LostGirl11]

A lie is a lie. No matter how big or small. My ex told me white lie. He stopped replying to my texts and told me he fell asleep. But he put his foot in it and I caught him out so he had to the truth. Turns out he was just tired and just wated to chill, wasn't in a chatty mood ect.

 

If I hadn't have caught him out he wouldn't have admitted it.

 

This may seem minor to some people but it really got to me! Why go to the trouble of lying about something so stupid!

 

From then on I doubed everything he told me.

 

Lying about texting an ex isn't a small harmless lie. Seriously, don't trust her.

Edited May 27, 2013 by LostGirl11

[AverageCat]

Like I said please don't doubt what I know and how I know it, but I'm 100% sure.

- She loves me.

- She has no feelings whatsoever for her ex.

- She CAN lie.

- She has a LOT of other good traits.

- She would NEVER cheat on me.

 

I do not agree with people who say lying about even simple stuff is beyond bad and inexcusable. I think it's somewhat unattractive, but can anyone look themselves in the mirror and honestly say they have NEVER lied???... Cuz I can't. I think it starts from childhood when you start lying to your parents to not disappoint them and you keep on going.

 

I talked to her yesterday and told her what I thought. Did not expect any confession.

 

She even told me she feels so good with me because she can tell me everything and we have communication like never before in an R in her life... but still she couldn't tell me for fear of yet another argument, or me straight up leaving.

 

I am very confident in this R and can see it going far and I really don't wanna break it because of this, but I really can't find a fix... I feel like that's a trait of one's personality... but on the other hand, I know that the perfect person simply doesn't exist, so in whichever R I'll be I'll have to compromise with some bad traits...

[Almond_Joy]

Like I said please don't doubt what I know and how I know it, but I'm 100% sure.

- She loves me.

- She has no feelings whatsoever for her ex.

- She CAN lie.

- She has a LOT of other good traits.

- She would NEVER cheat on me.

 

I do not agree with people who say lying about even simple stuff is beyond bad and inexcusable. I think it's somewhat unattractive, but can anyone look themselves in the mirror and honestly say they have NEVER lied???... Cuz I can't. I think it starts from childhood when you start lying to your parents to not disappoint them and you keep on going.

 

I talked to her yesterday and told her what I thought. Did not expect any confession.

 

She even told me she feels so good with me because she can tell me everything and we have communication like never before in an R in her life... but still she couldn't tell me for fear of yet another argument, or me straight up leaving.

 

I am very confident in this R and can see it going far and I really don't wanna break it because of this, but I really can't find a fix... I feel like that's a trait of one's personality... but on the other hand, I know that the perfect person simply doesn't exist, so in whichever R I'll be I'll have to compromise with some bad traits...

 

I am not denying or negating that you two love each other.

 

I was trying to point out that this behavior can and likely will severely undermine what you two have over time.

 

In the first response I was focused on how disrespectful she is being of the relationship by doing this and how this can develop into infidelity. But I also want to emphasize the effect this will have on you in this relationship if you allow this to continue or be seen as acceptable in any capacity.

 

Because you both love each other you are both risking an aspect of emotional security by having this relationship. Every couple does this. She is laying the groundwork to a serious threat to the emotional security and strength of the relationship when she lies to you. It doesn't seem like that right now, I get that. But if this is her regular mode of operation, you're not going to be dealing with frustration like what you have now behind only one or two lies. A year from now you will be carrying the negative repercussions of SEVERAL lies she has told you. As much as you two love each other do you honestly think that won't have any effect on your sense of security in the relationship? Even if they are small lies.....she's making this a habit. The small lies will add up. The problem will only get larger and harder to work through because you'll have all these built up negative effects. It doesn't sound like you're rolling over or turning the other cheek here, but it does seem like you're minimizing how big of a problem this is. As another poster said, this is the tip of an iceberg. The iceberg will only get bigger and harder to work around if you don't completely demolish it as soon as possible, metaphorically speaking.

 

I don't see any benefit to wholeheartedly trusting someone who lies to you, but it sounds like that's what you're trying to do here. It is NOT unreasonable to expect your gf not to lie to you, ever. Yes at some point everyone has told lies. I used to do it regularly for the same reasons your gf's stating (or that you're assuming? Don't remember which exactly right now). But just because everyone's done it doesn't mean they A) have to keep doing it and/or B) that's it's a good or even healthy way to conduct relationships. Just because people are never going to be perfect does not mean that we can't try to do the best we can with our words and actions. This is all the more true for relationships because it's not just one person's time energy and heart on the line. She seems like she lies to avoid or deflect talking about things that she is emotionally vulnerable over. She's probably scared that if she shares that vulnerability with you, you will hurt her....which essentially means in some ways she does not trust you with all of herself. That was my train of thought when I used to lie or deflect about things. Acknowledging and respecting vulnerabilities is foundational to trust, intimacy, and long-term love. She's not doing either of you any favors by not owning up to things she's emotionally sensitive about.

 

The motives for your gf's lying, though well-intentioned for her personal emotional security, are short sighted and counterproductive to the type of relationship you two are striving for. If she lies to avoid conflict that is all the more reason for her to stop doing it. If she can learn to resolve conflict with you without trying to make you jealous or lashing out at you, which probably leaves her with some feelings of guilt afterwards.....I mean you think your relationship is great now....can you imagine how much more open and burden free and loving it would be if she can work through these issues with you and do away with being defensive? If you two are on cloud 9 now you'll be on cloud 11 after working through this problem together. Your conviction of total trust for her will only be reinforced because her actions will align with her words in yet another aspect of the relationship. And her trust and attachment to you will reach a new depth of complexity and emotional security than before. I don't know one woman who doesn't want that with a man she loves and wants to spend her life with. It's a win win situation.

 

It's not unreasonable to envision that kind of relationship and strive towards it, instead of observing dysfunctional behavior and allowing it to continue or be minimized because "people aren't perfect.". You're saying this isn't a big deal. If it were an isolated incident and you two weren't serious about this relationship maybe it wouldn't be. But it sounds like you're serious, and this is not an isolated incident - it's a habitual behavior. It's not healthy and will likely lead to the development of feelings or actions that will hurt and distance both of you from each other in the long run. If you don't think so go over to the cheating or infidelity forums. See how many affairs and divorces and irreconcilable splits come about from "harmless white lies" and the avoidance of putting a stop to them. There are plenty.

[FitChick]

Her insecurity and not the lying is the problem. If whenever she feels unhappy, neglected, criticized, she is going to try to make you jealous. At some point men and women like this often have an affair, justifying that you made them do it, the other person meant nothing, it was just sex, etc. I personally don't need that drama.

 

She needs to find a therapy that works for her. PM me if you want recommendation of the best one for this type of behavior.

Edited May 27, 2013 by FitChick

[123321]

Make it easy for her to tell you the truth by not trying to restrict her. Accept that there are people in her past, and some of them will keep in contact, and some of those will be past romantic interests.

 

Make it EASY for her to be honest about everything.

[AverageCat]

Im not trying to restrict her. And she said it herself that this is the most open R she has ever been in. I try to not judge anything she says me EVER...

 

As for Almond Joy. I agree with you 100%. And I do wanna work these things but how can I, if she doesn't even accept there is a problem...

 

What I was trying to say is that I don't wanna just find a new GF because something is not working with the current. I'd rather us both work on this, but I'm not sure HOW. That is my question.

 

Right now I just pointed it out and did not make a big deal out of it, since I don't think repeating things over and over or getting in an argument is constructive....

But maybe giving some kind of ultimatum would be more effective. Idk, I'm lost.

[Almond_Joy]

Im not trying to restrict her. And she said it herself that this is the most open R she has ever been in. I try to not judge anything she says me EVER...

 

As for Almond Joy. I agree with you 100%. And I do wanna work these things but how can I, if she doesn't even accept there is a problem...

 

What I was trying to say is that I don't wanna just find a new GF because something is not working with the current. I'd rather us both work on this, but I'm not sure HOW. That is my question.

 

Right now I just pointed it out and did not make a big deal out of it, since I don't think repeating things over and over or getting in an argument is constructive....

But maybe giving some kind of ultimatum would be more effective. Idk, I'm lost.

 

You don't have to approach it as an ultimatum. You can say that you really want her to be open and honest with you about everything as it can only make the relationship stronger and better. You follow that up by making it it clear that you can't trust her if she keeps doing this. That's not an ultimatum because you'.re not trying to force her to do anything. All you're doing is telling her what your response will be if she keeps doing this. How she chooses to proceed after that is entirely her choice without really trying to force her to do anything. If she really wants to make this work she will step up and try to work on this behavior with you

 

I'm sorry to see that you seem stressed and frustrated about this. Just act on what you can see as the best interests for you and her in this relationship. I would think your gf would be receptive to your initiative and earnest desire for, ultimately, a better relationship.

[Shepp]

Right now I just pointed it out and did not make a big deal out of it, since I don't think repeating things over and over or getting in an argument is constructive....

But maybe giving some kind of ultimatum would be more effective. Idk, I'm lost.

 

I wouldnt give her an ultimatum -

A) if she's an already insercure kinda girl which she sounds lie it ould backfire

B) most honest people who lie do it when there backed into a corner and ultimatum is the ultimate backing into a corner

 

 

If it was me I'd grab a couple of beers and take my bros boat out with her (a ause it's a chilled atmosphere and b cause she can't walk out less she fancies a swim ) and then just chat - I think there's deeper issues at play of insecurity and I think you need to get through to her in a positive way. Ultimatums never work out well!