starrynightz45 Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 So I went on a great 2nd date with a guy tonight. He put his arm around me, we held hands in the theater, and on the way out I reached for his hand and we held hands. As we walked out of the theater back to the car, he said we wanted to have a serious conversation. He asked if I was looking for a serious relationship or just dating around, and I said serious. He said that's what he wanted too, but that it took him a little time to get to the point where he was sure about that, and I said that seemed normal and fine, that I also wanted to get to know him better first. Then he said he felt unsure about how I was feeling because he felt that "I have a guard up, physically." I'm not sure what he meant. After he said that, we got on the elevator. We gave each other a peck on the lips in the elevator, and made out a little before he dropped me off. We've only been on 2 dates- once to a show, and tonight to dinner and a movie. Guys, what do you think he meant? Should I have hugged/kissed him more or something? I know I should have asked him, and I plan to next time, but now it's kind of bugging me because I don't know what he meant by having my "guard up physically"
noneive Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 I'm surprised he asked that question so quickly. It honestly seems a little presumptuous of him to say that. He barely knows you! If you are a little distant for a reason (you have trouble trusting others, you had a bad break up, or you aren't a touchy-feely person) you should talk to him about it. Don't change who you are or what you're comfortable with just for him though. Or maybe he's being insecure about HIMSELF and is placing it on you. In which case, RED FLAG! Don't date him. Good luck! You'll figure it out over more dates.
Star Gazer Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 What does he expect? For you to mount him in the theater? You've only been on two dates! 3
Junkshakemail Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 A guys perspective: When he said that he might have ment in two ways, either he was hoping to get lucky or he wanted more physical contact (touching, hugging etc) You definitely dont need to change who you are, what was he expecting for you to have sex on the second date? 3
MalachiX Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 Sounds kinda forward and a little odd. It may mean he wants to jump into the sack. Or...it may just mean he wants to be more affectionate. I just got finished going out with a girl who never felt particularly affectionate. We went out five times, fooled around once, and slept together once. Despite that, I always felt a little bit of a guard with her physically. She didn't seem to want to cuddle. She wouldn't really be affectionate at all unless it was sexual. The whole thing kinda messed with my head and got me to reconsider the relationship.
Author starrynightz45 Posted May 27, 2013 Author Posted May 27, 2013 A guys perspective: When he said that he might have ment in two ways, either he was hoping to get lucky or he wanted more physical contact (touching, hugging etc) You definitely dont need to change who you are, what was he expecting for you to have sex on the second date? Well I'm so glad everyone else here seems to see it my way! Exactly! I admit I'm slightly reserved and old-fashioned in the sense that I prefer to let the guy make the first move, but it was a second date! He didn't seem like he was hinting about sex, but then again maybe I'm just being naive. Like everyone here said, what was I supposed to do during dinner and at a theater! I'm definitely going to ask him the next time we speak, but it is bothering me in the meantime.
Author starrynightz45 Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 He just didn't seem like the type who only wants to get into my pants. He texted me about 30 minutes after the date to ask if I got home ok, and I said yes. He clearly made an effort to continue the conversation for about another hour, until I said I was going to bed. He's been in contact with me thru text everyday since the date, and it seems things are OK. But i just can't tell if his comment was insecurity on his part, or a red flag.
Author starrynightz45 Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 There's also a detail I left out. I've known this guy since August, but we were friends. He asked for my number in Feb, and that was when our 1st date was. At that point my ex kind of messed things up, and we stopped communicating. In early May he started contacting me again, and we had the 2nd date this weekend. So I guess it's not like we're complete strangers, the way people usually are on a 2nd date, but again, I don't know what he was expecting physically on a measly 2nd date! I THOUGHT it might still be insecurity due to my ex? Because in the past he told me he felt I had a wall up because of my ex. I don't know, ugh.
todreaminblue Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 There's also a detail I left out. I've known this guy since August, but we were friends. He asked for my number in Feb, and that was when our 1st date was. At that point my ex kind of messed things up, and we stopped communicating. In early May he started contacting me again, and we had the 2nd date this weekend. So I guess it's not like we're complete strangers, the way people usually are on a 2nd date, but again, I don't know what he was expecting physically on a measly 2nd date! I THOUGHT it might still be insecurity due to my ex? Because in the past he told me he felt I had a wall up because of my ex. I don't know, ugh. just be who you are, he should accept you if he truly likes you, some people take a little time to warm up, thats not bad to be that way, maybe for him its not something he is comfortable with, if that is the case, it is his problem not yours..........best wishes...deb 2
Ninjainpajamas Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 It basically means "give up the booty and stop playing hard-to-get"...he wants the intimacy to increase but doesn't know how to go about it or feel you are receptive enough for it...this guy doesn't want to take it slow, he wants to dive right in.....to your vagina. 2
jolie_baby Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 It seems he was hinting on sex. I would put off sex for a while, especially if that's already how you feel, and see if he would stick around. I hope it is not, but the line that "I want a serious relationship" and "because I want a serious relationship I want sex now" means he is either playing, or he is confused; in both cases better put off sex a bit till you know some more...good luck
scorpiogirl Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 This happened to me just recently. We went out three times. He wouldn't ever call me but preferred to text, even when I said several times I preferred talking on the phone. He was a nice guy, we had good conversation when we did go out (btw we never went out on the weekend, which was also a red flag for me, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt due to his job and studies). I've been accused of being TOO affectionate in the past when I'm not really a touchy feely kind of person anyway, and so I'm aware of that. Besides he didn't give me enough for me to allow him into my personal space just yet. After third date, where he tried to get me into bed, texted me all day next day, then nothing. After 4 days I asked what was going on. He said I wasn't affectionate enough for him. He hasn't spoken to me since. Reading your account of what he said just reminded me of this guy. He seems to be throwing out relationship bait. Something tells me he might realize he's not looking for one once you sleep with him. Do what you feel comfortable with, even if it means you're single a little longer. 5
Author starrynightz45 Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 This happened to me just recently. We went out three times. He wouldn't ever call me but preferred to text, even when I said several times I preferred talking on the phone. He was a nice guy, we had good conversation when we did go out (btw we never went out on the weekend, which was also a red flag for me, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt due to his job and studies). I've been accused of being TOO affectionate in the past when I'm not really a touchy feely kind of person anyway, and so I'm aware of that. Besides he didn't give me enough for me to allow him into my personal space just yet. After third date, where he tried to get me into bed, texted me all day next day, then nothing. After 4 days I asked what was going on. He said I wasn't affectionate enough for him. He hasn't spoken to me since. Reading your account of what he said just reminded me of this guy. He seems to be throwing out relationship bait. Something tells me he might realize he's not looking for one once you sleep with him. Do what you feel comfortable with, even if it means you're single a little longer. Good to know I'm not the only one! It's just confusing because he comes off as such a respectable guy! I wouldn't consider sex so soon in the most perfect dating scenario on earth, so I won't be making that decision at all. I guess I was just hoping that he didn't mean sex, but maybe that I just wasn't affectionate enough throughout the night and left him to initiate mostly. It seems ridiculous for a guy to expect sex on a 2nd date when he hasn't even kissed the woman yet. I think I'll go on one more date with him and ask him about this, but if I do get the sense that it's a sex thing, I guess I'll just cut my losses early.
Phantom888 Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 I am guilty of being a scum-bag during my Sexcapde phase (6 months). But the good thing is, I am an EX-scum-bag, and I do not advocate my past behaviors at all. I can honestly say, as many have mentioned, he is using the "serious relationship" thing to lure you. Yes, his comment was a subtle way of saying, "why can't we have sex now?" Don't fall for guys who want sex so soon....those guys are not relationship material. You want a man who respects you, and waits for when you are ready. I have had sex on 1st date and 2nd date with different women, and I never ended up dating them long term because they put out too easily. 2
veggirl Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 He was trying to guilt you into inviting him inside for sex. WTF I would have asked him what exactly he was expecting physically on a 2nd date.
Author starrynightz45 Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 I really appreciate all the input and advice! I guess I'm just naive! It just seems like he's putting in a decent amount of effort for someone who only wants sex. He's called me every single day since the date, and when I tell him I have plans with friends he always wants to know what I'm doing and who I'm with. He texts me to make sure I got home safe, and always sends a goodnight text. I told him I was at a club, and he asked me if guys were hitting on me. He's already mentioned a comedy club he wants to take me to, and a gallery opening. He also constantly makes comments about how I'm going to meet all of his friends soon, and I've already met one of his closest friends. This is all so confusing!
Author starrynightz45 Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 He called me yesterday and now I'm even more confused! He said he wanted to see me again this weekend. He said his parents were going out of town, so he'd be staying at their place and wanted to know if I'd like to go over to "watch a movie." He came right out and said "I'm not trying to have sex with you or anyhting like that, I just thought it would be fun. If you're not comfortable, I still want to see you and we can go do something else." Now I'm not saying I buy it 100%, but it seems at least somewhat to say that IF I go he's not EXPECTING sex? Also I'm not sure if I've mentioned this, but I've known him since August - we were friends (we met in college), but he didn't ask for my number or express interest until April. So I guess we aren't total strangers but still, I would never consider sex so soon.
jolie_baby Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 I am glad there is interest from his part, and that things seem fine. I would say you do what you are comfortable with, seeing him over the weekend, hanging out more, meeting his friends, and even watching a movie at his parents' place... but keep in mind no matter what he is expecting you should do only what you are comfortable with, and better (IMO) still putt off sex a bit. For me, I go by one rule when it comes to men: actions speak louder than words. Men can say ALL kind of things but it is their actions that should speak to you not their words. I don't meant to raise doubts about his actions (so trust him but dont give too much yet) because a guy can totally be infatuated with a woman but all out of a physical desire... now whether he realizes it or not, he may still only want sex... only time can tell so you better wait if you do not wish to be hurt... IMO, and I have met guys like that before, the fact that he met you in August and didn't show interest till April COULD also mean that he wasn't really interested at first, but then something happened and he realized he wanted to sleep with you... Now I am saying this because of few experiences I had with guys about this... where I know for sure they weren't (or couldn't at the time be) interested in a relationship but bluntly said after sometime that seeing me in that dress or saying or doing something made them want to have sex with me. Just sharing an experience and hoping it could be useful to you. 1
Author starrynightz45 Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 Thanks jolie_baby, i appreciate the advice! Well, I asked him about it and he said he likes to be more affectionate and was feeling that I may not be as interested as him because I wasn't being as affectionate as he would like. I explained that it was because I hardly knew him, and it took me a while. He seemed to understand. He called to invite me to his house to watch movies, which worried me again because it sounded like it was about sex. However, he said "I'm not trying to invite you over for sex or anything, I just thought it would be fun. If you're uncomfortable that's ok, I still want to see you and we can do something else." I decided to go with my gut and trust him, and went over. Well, he was an absolute gentleman! We cuddled and kissed but he didn't try for anything else. He said he really likes to be affectionate/cuddle, so I guess that's what was bothering him. As I left his place he said he'd call me to make plans for next week to go to a comedy show. So far, so good! 2
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