Not sure anymore

[Bunjyboy]

I'll try and keep this as brief as possible so bear with me here people.

 

Boy (me) meets girl

Boy and girl get on great

Boy and girl quickly fall in love

Boy moves into girls flat after 4 months

14 months later, boy isnt sure anymore

 

Recently (or not so recently) Ive had this awful feeling that something "isnt right" in our relationship and its come to a point where its causing me a lot of stress, pressure and Im seriously considering leaving my partner.

 

Basically when I moved in with my partner (her flat in another city) I left my home city and moved to another city. It was a big step for me as I was essentially leaving my "old life" behind (of which I had gotten very bored and tired of anyway). It was the first time either of us had cohabited before (we're both late 30's). Bar a few usual early stages hiccups things have generally been good up until a couple of months ago.

 

I started to notice elements of her behaviour that I didnt like at all, I figured this was to be expected and that I could ignore this but now more and more it is becoming a huge problem for me. Her behaviour isnt bad, shes a nice, kind, caring person. Its just that I really am starting to feel that we're just not compatible to some extent. The crux of it is that shes quite a hyper person and is "always on the go/in a hurry". The problem for me is that Ive always been a chilled out, take things easy kind of person. I need to be like this otherwise things get ontop of me and I get very stressed out. I think during the early stages of the relationship I was too overwhelmed by how great we got on and being in the honeymoon stage I didnt really notice this but now I really can and combined with a few other factors its starting to really get to me.

 

Its worth giving a picture here about some other problems that are feeding into and making this seem worse. At first moving into a big fast paced city seemed exciting and since Its where I worked it was handy not to have a 3 hour commute every day (I came from a nearby smaller city which is much more relaxed and less busy) but slowly I came to dislike living here. Its too noisy for me and I find it hard to relax here. Add to the fact that I moved into my partners smallish flat (as city flats are) and I feel kind of suffocated in a way and that I dont have anywhere thats my space (e.g. although I have made my mark in her flat its still very much her space). Also the fact I miss my friends and family doesnt help (I do still see them and do go back to my old home city fairly often). In short Im not very happy living where I am now, Im much less happy than where I lived before. We cant afford to move. Recently Ive developed problems with anxiety (ive never suffered from anything like this before) and have sought help on how to control it. Obviously being in a fairly stressfull fast paced environment doesnt help it at all. Ive been told I need to create a stress free environment for myself and have taken measures to do this (it has helped) but the constant on the go and hurried behaviour of my partner is really starting to wear me down. It wouldnt be a bold statement to say that to some extent she stresses me out.

 

I realise I might be being overly critical here so I spoke to her about it on a number of occassions. She understood where I was coming from and admitted she is quite hyper and always in a hurry. She told me shes always been this way (even when she lived out the city). This is fair enough and Ive tried to look past this but now Im at a point where Im not sure if we are such a good match.

 

This sort came to a head two weeks ago when we decided to visit a local beauty spot on a day out, she seemed interested and eager to go as neither of us had been before. Anyway we head out early by coach one morning on a glorious day and arrived to find some lovely scenery. As we started to walk along a visitor trail I noticed she was doing her usual hurrying along and seemed eager to basically get through the trail as quickly as possible (this is pretty much how she is no matter what we are doing). This annoyed me as we had nowhere to go later on and there was no hurry. I wanted to stop and bask in some of the beauty at some points but she seemed keen to keep on hurrying along. This pretty much made me feel as if I was sortof visiting this place alone as she was always hurrying us both along and it seemed strange. I mentioned this to her a day or two later and she replied that its just how she is. I can understand this and thats fair enough but Im really finding it hard to deal with as ontop of my anxiety and stress of living in the city its making me feel rather edgy and unhappy.

 

Deep down I have this horrible feeling that something is missing in our relationship. For a good few months now my Ive had a gut feeling that its maybe not for me this relationship and that deep down its not really making me very happy. Sure we have lots of good going for us and generally have a good relationship but more and more I feel as if its just not enough for me.

 

I think to some extent Im thinking that the grass is greener and somewho think that If I moved back to my old home city and my "old life" Id be much happier. This obviously isnt the case but more or more Im thinking that my instinct says it is.

 

Ive tried addressing the problems I have with our relationship but they seem to be coming up again and again. I seem to be the one always complaining about something. Of course I realise relationships aint all rosy and fairytale but constantly feeling unsure and confused about this is making me stressed and feel uneasy.

 

I dont know what to do at all and Im completely confused. Im not sure if I love her anymore even. Sure I miss her when we're not together and she has some great qualities that I really like but I also feel that to some extent Im not sure if she is the right girl for me. I have this feeling that if we split up I wouldnt necessarily be that upset, but based upon my admittely fickle nature Im worried that further down the line I might realise what I have thrown away. Ive ended relationships in the past for much less and regretted it later on.

 

Im worried that because I am so confused I shouldnt act hastily and do anything drastic as I might be making a serious mistake but the very fact that Im here typing this post makes me think that maybe this relationship isnt for me.

 

Im working away for the next 7 days so I figure its a good chance for me to think about things and see how I feel. Im considering speaking to her about a possible "break" when I return but Im not sure this might be the right thing to do.

 

In general Im fairly unhappy with everything at the moment and cant remember the last time I felt good about things (although obviously this might not have anything to do with our relationship). She a fantastic girl and has been very good to me so I feel awful for thinking like this but Id be lying to myself If I said everything is amazing.

 

Any advice would be much appreciated, hope this all makes sense. Thanks

Edited May 26, 2013 by Bunjyboy

[Adele0908]

I just skimmed it, because it was pretty long, but I think you just moved too fast. You moved in together after 4 months.

 

I think you two just need space from each other. It's pretty normal to feel uncertain about a partner at times, no matter how great the relationship is. Living together might make you feel suffocated because you are always together. What about getting your own place? It's not that she is doing anything to stress you out. What I believe is stressing you out is too much closeness. It is scientifically proven that too much closeness/intimacy raises a man's stress levels (by lowering his testosterone levels). You have to still be able to have your own life and do things that make you feel good, to balance yourself out.

 

Also, you say that she is this "on-the-go" person, and you are more mellow.

How is that bad? You two could actually really complement each other. She may be stronger in the areas that you are weak in, and vice versa.

Two mellow people may just sit around, never accomplishing or doing much. Two hyper people may wear each other out. You were attracted to her for a reason.

 

Also, I'm sure you are aware that a relationship will never make you happy and fulfill you in every way. Relationships are not there to make you happy, they are to make you conscious and self-aware. Happiness comes from within. So it's not that she has to please you, but you have to please yourself. You are responsible for your own happiness and emotional state.

 

Yes there could be a chance that she is not right for you, there could be a chance that "something is missing", and in that case, be true to yourself and what you want. Maybe move out, take some space for yourself, and re-evaluate if you want to go further into the relationship.

[Bunjyboy]

I think you two just need space from each other. It's pretty normal to feel uncertain about a partner at times, no matter how great the relationship is. Living together might make you feel suffocated because you are always together. What about getting your own place? It's not that she is doing anything to stress you out. What I believe is stressing you out is too much closeness. It is scientifically proven that too much closeness/intimacy raises a man's stress levels (by lowering his testosterone levels). You have to still be able to have your own life and do things that make you feel good, to balance yourself out.

 

I agree with you on this. I think there is a strong element of me feeling 'out of sorts' because of lack of my own space. I used to be a fairly independent guy and was used to having my own space doing my own thing but since moving in with my partner this has pretty much evaporated. Also the fact my life has completely changed may be what is making me feel this way (as opposed to our relationship), Ive struggled to adapt to living in her flat and feel I need some space I can call my own (for example if we had a bigger place it would be nice to have a room I could sit in and play Playstation etc). I feel as if I am a lodger and that its not really my own home.

 

From what I can tell she is very happy with the relationship (although I sense she is starting to feel low because Im obviously unhappy) and although of course she has lost some of her own personal space she is still in her own home. Plus her life in the city remains largely unchanged, she still has her network of friends and to some extent does the same things she did before I came along. On the other hand I have very few friends in the city and since moving here my life has drastically changed and Ive struggled to cope with it.

 

Getting my own place is a realistic option but I know it wont go down very well. She will be bitterly dissapointed and upset and I suspect she may well want to end it if I suggested such a thing. This puts added pressure on me and hence the dilemma Im stuck with.

[Bunjyboy]

Also, you say that she is this "on-the-go" person, and you are more mellow.

How is that bad? You two could actually really complement each other. She may be stronger in the areas that you are weak in, and vice versa.

Two mellow people may just sit around, never accomplishing or doing much. Two hyper people may wear each other out. You were attracted to her for a reason.

 

Indeed when I first started noticing how hyper she was (which really was only recently) I figured it was probably a good thing and to some extent it is e.g. she gets things done and doesnt hang around. But the problem for is that its all about balance and that isnt the way it is. Shes constantly hyper all the time and Its really starting to wear me out. Im getting tired of her constantly walking away from me (she never stops) when we're doing simple things like shopping or walking down the street. Ive mentioned this to her repeatedly but it never seems to make any difference. Of course I understand that some people like to be 'on the go' but when they're constantly bouncing round the flat and walking off from you in the street it starts to create an edgy uncomfortable atmosphere. I think on its own this may not be a bad thing really but throw in my problems with anxiety, me not liking the fast city pace and my lack of space and I feel as if I am under constant pressure.

 

 

Yes there could be a chance that she is not right for you, there could be a chance that "something is missing", and in that case, be true to yourself and what you want. Maybe move out, take some space for yourself, and re-evaluate if you want to go further into the relationship.

 

I feel as if its come to this point. I know I miss her when Im not around her and I know we do have a good thing going on but Im not sure how much longer I can go on like this. Im pretty confident that if I moved out and we continued to date things would be better. I have a friends house I can move into back in my old city but not sure if this is the right action to take. I do feel that the things I find difficult to deal with are amplified by the fact Im not happy where I live.

 

The problem I have is one day I feel 100% sure Im going to tell her I want a break (Ive even looked into moving some of my stuff out etc) but the next day im not sure if Its a good idea. Ive been turning this over in my head for a month now and to be honest its making me feel awful.

[apple OR orange]

you are with someone who doesnt fit with your lifestyle then you moved to a very fast paced are which again isnt your lifestyle, what did you expect to happen?

[Bunjyboy]

you are with someone who doesnt fit with your lifestyle then you moved to a very fast paced are which again isnt your lifestyle, what did you expect to happen?

 

I take your point. As I mentioned though I think at first (during the honeymoon stage) I was so overwhelmed and happy with how well we got on (we really did click) that I didnt really notice how hyper she was. I guess we didnt spend as much time together as we do now so maybe thats a reason for me not noticing it so much back then.

 

Another factor is that I had previously lived in a fast paced city environment years before I moved here (when I was younger) and I always really enjoyed it. I guess as Ive got older Ive come to realise that I need a more mellow place to live and find it very difficult to relax in the city. Sure I realise its my own fault for being so naive to think everything would be ok but not I find myself missing my old life. Basically it hasnt worked out anywhere near as much as I would of liked it too and if there is one thing Im sure of its that I prefer my old life back in the smaller less busy city.

 

Now obviously im aware that its silly to think like this and I should try and just put up with the situation (e.g. living somewhere I dont like and having a always on the go partner) but for over a month now Ive felt like crap about it and Ive reached a point where I really need to do something.

 

The problem is that even if I did seriously think that things would be fine if we moved to a more mellow area Im not entirely sure that would make me feel better. Im worried that if I expect my partner to move with me and then things went bad between us it would be very unfair to her as she would have moved and left the place shes been living in for the past 15 years for the sake of a guy who wasnt really sure about the relationship anyway.

 

So Im stuck. This just puts more pressure on me and makes me constantly feel like crap.

 

I totally understand this is my own fault for not considering everything before I moved in but the bottom line is Im confused about everything and dont know what to do.

Edited May 26, 2013 by Bunjyboy

[Bunjyboy]

Its day two of me working away for a week and theres no doubt I do miss her and it feels strange not being around her (and knowing I wont be for a week).

 

On the other hand, paradoxically I already feel much more chilled and relaxed without her around. It feels good.

[Bunjyboy]

Anymore help people? I dont know what to do and its getting out of hand now.