tinam Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 I've known all week it was happening today and I've been trying to prepare. But when they pulled away i felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. I was shaking so bad. All the tiny progress I've made the last 2 weeks down the drain. I feel like its day 1 again. I talked to the kids thoroughly to be sure they were ok with meeting her they said yes. I can't keep it from happening i guess. Just sucks so bad. He's over there playing house and im sitting here a complete and utter wreck trying to figure out how to get through this. I feel like im in the fricken twilight zone! We are suppose to be spending our Sunday together as a family. Not my kids going to his new love shack to meet his home wrecking wh*re!
trippi1432 Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 Hi Tina - I know that there is nothing that I can say right now that will make this pain any more bearable for you except to let you know I relate to exactly how you feel right now. Went through it myself over 3 years ago. I think the day he took our son to this woman's home (my son already knew her through his own friends), I walked back in the house and let out the most primordial scream I have ever heard in my life. It was the release of 15 years of pain but also the frustration of knowing nothing would ever be the same for the family and life that I had been building as a wife and a mother. I'm sure you know that your children will see this differently than you, they will rationalize what they can...it's new and they are trying to please the two parents that they know and love. ((((Hugs)))) to you today and please do something for yourself today. 1
PoopHappens Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 Tinam, Of all the bad things that happen in a separation and divorce, relinquishing control of the kids to someone else has got to be the toughest thing we ever do. I'm a father of one and the thought of some b*****rd who did nothing to create and nurture the incredible being that is my child should have a say in what happens is, well, near impossible to deal with. I feel your pain and it is intense. I'm sorry you're in it. 2
Shocked Suzie Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 Your H is an idiot! Feel for you Tine, is there someone you can be with today... Don't spend the day by yourself Hugs n thoughts xxx
Author tinam Posted May 27, 2013 Author Posted May 27, 2013 Hi Tina - I know that there is nothing that I can say right now that will make this pain any more bearable for you except to let you know I relate to exactly how you feel right now. Went through it myself over 3 years ago. I think the day he took our son to this woman's home (my son already knew her through his own friends), I walked back in the house and let out the most primordial scream I have ever heard in my life. It was the release of 15 years of pain but also the frustration of knowing nothing would ever be the same for the family and life that I had been building as a wife and a mother. I'm sure you know that your children will see this differently than you, they will rationalize what they can...it's new and they are trying to please the two parents that they know and love. ((((Hugs)))) to you today and please do something for yourself today. Thank you. I did have a breakdown after they left. But then picked myself up somehow. Hung out at my sisters. Layed in the pool. Went fishing with my neice and nephew . Felt ok. Then had to come home. Got a text they were spending the night. I walked in to an empty house and did just what you said. I screamed so loud! Grabbed an empty water jug that happened to be there and just started pounding it in the counter. I feel so alone.It was one thing till deal with him in another woman's home and life but i had my kids to come home to.an nowhere all there! Its just too much!!
Deerhunter Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 It's happened, it's done. Nothing anyone can do about it. What you have to hope for now is this OW being is a nice person to your children treating them the best way possible. You certainly don't want her mistreating them. If for some reason, she doesn't like kids, your ex will see this and he will really be in a pickle. Sorry it happened to you. You will get over it and be fine.
Author tinam Posted May 27, 2013 Author Posted May 27, 2013 Thanks. Really tough night. Kids called to say goodnight. My daughter said how nice this woman was. And everything was ok it was just awkward seeing daddy holding hands in the couch with someone else. Took everything i had not to lose it till we hung up. She kept asking if i was Ik. I reasuyrwd her bed i could i was. Totally list it when hung up. Called my sister. She was gonna come get me. I can't keep running away. I have to love here. I got through the night. This sucks!!!! Have to go to work. Looks like i haven't slept in weeks. Jeeze . Probably cause i haven't!
trippi1432 Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 Tina - It's important that you keep yourself busy and put good things in your life now. Build a good support network that you can rely on (like your sister) during the tough times. I know it's hard hearing things from the kids, but you are doing the right thing by keeping control of yourself. Your husband is an idiot, selfish, spineless and only cares about himself and his happiness. I looked back at your very first post to understand the background and the history: I can't believe what i am going through. I've been happily married so i thought for 15 years. Have 3 beautiful kids. I come home 2 days ago and see this look on my husbands face ill never forget. I asked what was wrong he just kept saying i don't wanna talk about it. Ok a little back info.When we first got married after 2 months he came home sat down blew me away said i can't do this. Long story shirt he left. We divorced for 2years but never really stayed appart. Its like we were dating again i guess.well then i found out i was pregnant and weather that pushed it along cause wed been taliking about it it. But we officially git back together. After a few weeks he changed his mind again! But then did again. Well after that it was really good. We remarried. It's hard when we love someone like this, a person who has this "yo-yo effect" on our hearts, our lives. Been together almost 16 years. I guess I've always had the worry of him leaving again whenever wed argue i suppose cause he done it so easily before. So when i saw his face the other day my heart fell. Even through we've been fine. We don't even fight. We're one if those couples other couples hate. After the kids went to bed he says he hadn't been happy for some time. IAfter fighting a while it also came it he's been cheating on me. This is so not him. I am crushed and shocked. And feel do foolish for not seeing any signs at all. First, yes, the signs were there but you loved him anyway. The anger you feel right now is at yourself as much as him because you loved him anyway. I want you to know that it's perfectly okay that you loved him and believed in him. Now, you need to give your heart back to you so you can heal. Love yourself for a while so can work on this hurt that he is throwing at you. It will help to make you handle what the kids are going through as well. It will also make you stronger so you can stop being a revolving door for this man as the history is there from the beginning that he isn't capable of being happy with what he has. This woman will probably find that out too. Do something nice for yourself today Tina. (((Hugs))) 3
Shocked Suzie Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 Agreed, when your kids are away surround yourself with good friends and family, get as much support as you can...have you looked up any divorce groups in your area. I know it's all going so fast, but to make you gain some mental control back for your own self worth, you must try to do one of the two ASAP...legal advice and see your doctor, your doctor will be able to give you some advice on possible places to go, people to see. Also treat yourself to some good books to read on recovery. Legal advise was the best thing I ever did, try to go somewhere that is recommended...even if it's for the one off consultation to find out your rights etc... I really feel for you, I'm thankful my H back off after trying to do the same thing... Your H has made me wild!! I hope one day he falls flat on his face! Such self centered actions on his and the OW part Just be there for your kids, their chat about her won't be easy for you...try to remain calm and open for them to talk, although I know this will be very difficult ((((hugs)))) Tina....get as much support as possible
UpwardForward Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 I've known all week it was happening today and I've been trying to prepare. But when they pulled away i felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. I was shaking so bad. All the tiny progress I've made the last 2 weeks down the drain. I feel like its day 1 again. I talked to the kids thoroughly to be sure they were ok with meeting her they said yes. I can't keep it from happening i guess. Just sucks so bad. He's over there playing house and im sitting here a complete and utter wreck trying to figure out how to get through this. I feel like im in the fricken twilight zone! We are suppose to be spending our Sunday together as a family. Not my kids going to his new love shack to meet his home wrecking wh*re! The progress you've made is still there. It's just that there's always going to be new cogs in the wheel. It's only natural for you to feel this way because children are supposed to reside w mother and father in the same home. For what it's worth, I remember a few years back when I would listen to Dr Laura from time to time. She always preaches divorced mothers/fathers should not remarry until children are of age. So children do not have to be used in this manner. My 'kids' were nearing adulthood when they were first summoned to be at the 'other' household. I had just become a Christian and was on my face praying, I was so desolate, defensive and hurting. It really helped immensely and as time went on, things got Much better - and as I (their prev protector) released them. 2
Yasuandio Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 (edited) Tinam, As a contributor here on LS, (although somewhat laid back lately), I felt so saddened by your thread, I do want to reply and, mostly, piggyback, and/or emphasize two specific statements that touched me here. I have never had any children, however, my 27 year marriage end formally last year. It was, and still is, like losing a limb. I recall so vividly, the evening of my primortal screams, in the form of an extended panic attack, in front of my Mother - some four years ago. Trippi so accurately describes the extreme innate reaction in terms of the betrayed feelings of not only a wife, but MOTHER also (the later I will never comprehend nor bear - but only imagine in my mind based on a limited yet horrendous experience of my own). Upwardforward concludes a recent post with advice, I believe an outstanding and wise way to position your terrible grief. This is, (and there really is no choice), to "release your children," to be (let's pray), loved by another person - at the very least, liked. This is much better than if the OW disliken you wonderful children. You must agree with that, right? Therefore, and I know it is easier said than done, but, are you not happier that this OW is nice to your children, and they do at least "like" this woman that has been "monkey wrenched" into their lives? This is a better outcome than anything less, is it not? I am hurting for you too. But in my almost five years experience I will tell u something I learned early on, on a movie Chanel or TV, somewhere. Of course, I was angry and torn up like you, because of length of marriage. I felt I had lost or given up my life for this man, like a fool. That now, here I was left, without anyone, with an illness on top of it. And it seemed he had so many options that perhaps I would not have (this was my low self-esteem talking at the time - I thought no one would want me). But the TV program, whatever it was stated something like, "he also gave up his youth in the marriage.". And it made me feel much better about, and I "released" some of the anger - related to the age issue (e.g., wasting my life with him). For, I did so much enjoy my time with him for many years. The key word, to move forward, in a positive direction is "release," I believe. Both Trippi and Upwardforward speak of it. One thing is for sure and for certain, YOU are their real Mom - and no one, nobody, is gonna change that! I hope this helps u. Yas Edited May 28, 2013 by Yasuandio 1
M30USA Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I've known all week it was happening today and I've been trying to prepare. But when they pulled away i felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. I was shaking so bad. All the tiny progress I've made the last 2 weeks down the drain. I feel like its day 1 again. I talked to the kids thoroughly to be sure they were ok with meeting her they said yes. I can't keep it from happening i guess. Just sucks so bad. He's over there playing house and im sitting here a complete and utter wreck trying to figure out how to get through this. I feel like im in the fricken twilight zone! We are suppose to be spending our Sunday together as a family. Not my kids going to his new love shack to meet his home wrecking wh*re! OP, here's something to think about: Divorced dads have it worse than divorced moms in this particular area. Assuming, for the sake of discussion, than you have the typical custody situation with the mom having primary, think about how much less time your children will spend with the OW in comparison to any current/future spouse you might have. This is something I am currently battling in my mind. As far as I know, my ex has no boyfriend or prospective spouse, but inevitably the time will come. I must accept the fact that, not only will my kids have a stepdad, but they will also see him more than they see me! This really sucks.
Simpleoldschool Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 (edited) Tinam, sorry for everything that has been quite difficult for you. it seems you are taking this quite hard. Get it OUT so it doesnt stay put. You need to sleep though. i know the suggestion sounds impossible with the feelings that come at night. Frankly, i have no idea how i got through the nights at the time long ago. but in hindsight dont lose sleep. the deprivation makes the thoughts more intense. If you have acess to a gym beat the SHIIIIII out of the punching bag. im talking about jet lee, jackie chan, bruce lee and anyone else you can think of crazy woopass style to the bag. I dont know how people can leave someone. you sound like your upright. Maybe it might be time to, start spending time with some other males even if you dont want to. Dont get prego. Not saying mess around either but to instill first that all men arent evil or people who betray and then, spend time getting to know new people. i think its best at this time, outside of work to get into a real hobby. Books, art, debate team, i have no idea. search for local places in your area that you are interested in. for awhile there i did some serious window shopping and man i looked good in those shoes in my imagination. Let me tell you i was at all the parties with people loven them kicks. i dont know. maybe write a love story that you would live to have one day. by no means am i an exceptional writer and i have to laugh sometimes at the stuff i write. Its like wtf yo. Just fill your emotional space with anything other than "HIM". remember no matter if this other woman is in their life, you are still MOM no one can take that. i think its best at this point if you can your sister go out and adventure toghether. talk with her, alot. do girl stuff. i still have no idea what you guys reallyt do when you get toghether but do that stuff. Be a woman. have fun. try new things. atleast to get your mind off things and to make you tired enough to sleep. you really, need to relax. take a deep breath and take a bath. sit in the bath and watch a comedy. a comedian. your a girl, paint your nails and feel good about it. shi* make a rainbow on your hands and toes. lol have you kids paint them. i have no idea but most of all have fun. life shouldnt be spent in the corner of depressing thoughts and LMAO watch this is you get the chance. The Best Break Up Advice Ever - YouTube and then watch this one after it made me laugh. the day i watched them i took a hammer to my rings. dont do what i did thought LMAO. Stop Feeling Sad All The Time! - YouTube if anything youll feel a little bit bette and repeat watching them till your bored. see when your bored youll go searching for things to do. heres some seriously good advice. Kids sister and PILLOW FIGHT! Edited May 28, 2013 by Simpleoldschool 2
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