blind_otter Posted October 2, 2004 Posted October 2, 2004 I have been seeing this guy for about 9 months now, off and on. It's been an extremely rocky relationship. About three weeks ago we started having problems yet again because he quit his job and he hasn't yet been able to hold down a job for more than 2 months and I've had to support him for ages. I haven't been working recently and we were basically both living off my savings and I was getting more and more irritated and I know I was being pushy, but even though I got a new job finally, my savings are now nearly gone! A week ago some woman called me from his cellphone and told me they had been seeing each other for three weeks (how interesting), and she asked me to stop talking to him because I was interfering in their relationship. I told her that I wasn't aware that I had broken up with my boyfriend since I had had sex with him the day before....long story short....he called me the next day and I was mortified. I told him if he wanted to start another relationship that was fine, but he could have had the courtesy to end it himself! He claimed that they were merely friends, she was a girl he had known in high school and they met recently out at a club. He went on to say that it had "never been on that level" between them, and then he seemed to pretend to get angry and said he would call "that crazy b*tch" and tell her that he wasn't talking to her anymore. He claimed that she had been at a party he was at and he had left his cellphone on a table and she had picked it up and called me all on her own. I think he is full of crap, to be quite blunt. It hurts awfully because I do love him. But I think that things might have gotten so bad between us that he is actively looking and he simply doesn't respect me any more. Or maybe he senses that I am not truely committed. The thing is...I've been lying to him this entire time we've been together. As far as my boyfriend knows, I got my divorce finalized last year. But I never did. My husband went to federal prison for pot. In all honesty - I love him and he loves me. But he knows I am seeing other people and actually told me to. He refuses to ask me to remain faithful. He seems convinced that prison will change him to the point that we won't be able to be together when he gets out. I know part of that is the shame he feels at his reduced circumstances. And I know that you can love someone and not necessarily be able to have a relationship with them. Already in his letters...he is a totally different person...we had been on the brink of divorce before he even got in trouble for pot, but now that he is sober for the first time in nearly 10 years (he was an alcoholic), he is a changed man. So, this is rather complicated. I guess what it boils down to is that I would try to re-build a foundation of trust between my boyfriend and I, but I really want to be with my husband. but he will be in prison another 3 years, and he has told me "I think we both know it will probably be impossible for us to be together after I get out" - but why did he not want to finalize the divorce, either, then??? In a perfect world I would just be with my husband. But even I realize he is no longer the person I married, after just a year in prison. I seem to have a sick addiction kind of relationship with the boyfriend. Like, I don't really *want* to be with him, but I don't want anyone else to have him either. It's a possessive kind of feeling. It makes me feel sick to my stomach, really. What's worse is, as he's been in prison, my husband and I have frequently exchanged letters and his letters are beautifully poetic, they totally make me fall in love with him, but he keeps complaining that I am falling for an image in my head, and I will be disappointed in his reality. I don't know what to do. I just feel horrible for everything. I just want my husband back. But he isn't sure he wants me back. I just feel like I messed everything up for everyone.
Mary3 Posted October 3, 2004 Posted October 3, 2004 The BF is using you !! He is slacking off and letting you pay all the bills and thats no mistake that he found a sap like you ( a nice sap ) BUt kick his a** out to the curb and stop supporting him . He sounds like he is CHEATING on you too ! Now I know you are lonely but stop being a Giver to a man thats a TAKER ! What has he bought you in the last 6 months ? What bills has he paid in the last 6 months ? How much cash have you given him ? He is CON MAN !@ Gee your husband in prison should be advising you of these losers you are seeing on the outside.... Good luck !
Merin Posted October 3, 2004 Posted October 3, 2004 Consider being on your own for awhile... You DON'T need to be in a relationship to be okay. The boyfriend is a jackass... certainly... but hiding the fact that you're STILL LEGALLY MARRIED doesn't exactly make you a whole lot better (In the honesty department) You've lied to this guy for almost a year regarding BASIC information so to be p*ssed that he has lied to you (even though he is unaware of your deciet) still seems very hypocritical IMHO. Regarding your husband.... well considering how long he was sentenced I'm pretty sure that making a divorce or even seperation legal wasn't priority for him... not like he is exactly all about doing what the law would require right... so the fact that he was being sent to federal prison, and didn't bother to file for divorce or get the final decree what ever the situation was isn't to suprising. Obviously this other guy you've been seeing, dating whatever isn't a real straight forward kind of person... and from what you've said, you don't really like him anyway (I can see why) so why not break things off with him, and just spend some time on your own for awhile.
Recommended Posts