Dating the younger girl (Insecurity + pretty long post)

[d.grayman]

First post here, bonjour everyone.

 

 

I've been talking to this girl recently and it's throwing me for a loop. I'm 27 and she is 21. I wouldn't say this is a huge gap but it's enough to put us in two different states of mind.

 

I can't quite put my finger on it but I like her. Out of the girls I've been with she's not the most attractive or the funniest - maybe it's her shrewd honesty but I just love to be around her and my attraction to her has swelled to a slight hint of emotion! Kind of came out of nowhere honestly.

 

I'm older and very experienced with women sexually but when it comes to relationships I've honestly only been in one with my first love. That lasted from 17 - 21 and since then I've basically just "enjoyed life", done some dirt and all the other things guys do (use your imagination). I'm definitely not a saint and I won't pretend to be. Maybe I've been avoiding relationships due to the extreme feeling of agony that giving into your emotions sometimes brings, but I can't control these feelings.

 

The problem is I am slowly but surely catching more feelings but I'm also realizing I am insecure. It's the same feeling that I felt with my first love. She was extremely attractive (the cheerleading captain) and I had so many people that hated on me just because I was with her. Guys broke their necks to look at her and I just felt like I wasn't up to par with them, but she stuck with me. Back then I was the high school nerd that always wondered how I got with such a beautiful girl but now I'm different - I'm the one that turns heads. I have much more confidence in myself and with the opposite sex but that same feeling of insecurity is still nestled deep within me and it's coming out now that I've allowed someone back into my hard shell. I just have an overall feeling of inadequacy and it's tearing me apart.

 

I think it's because she's just in a different phase of her life than I am. Even if I don't like it there's no way that I'm going to stop her from going out, partying, drinking and doing all the things college people do. That's a time in your life that you'll never get back and I know exactly what she is going through. Basically she hasn't done anything yet! She just turned 21 and I gave her some alcohol. Needless to say I got raped that night once it took effect.

 

Next she hasn't been anywhere and rarely leaves her room. She tells me about all the things she wants to do and is interested in seeing and I've realized that she is just entering into that "exploring" phase. She is slightly curious about females, threesomes, and even swinging. She's extremely open sexually, but wouldn't dare do anything without my permission/consent. This doesn't mean she wants an open relationship; She wants me to be there joining in on the fun. Normally I would be all for this, but now that feelings have crept in I'm starting to get that possessive feeling and don't really want to share. Alas over the years I've realized that if someone really wants to do something they will do it eventually.

 

She has a tendency of telling me everything also. About the exes, their penis sizes, past relationships, amount of sexual partners, how many guys hit on her in a day, who she thinks is attractive, what attributes I lack and where guys are touching her when she dances with them at the club. When I say she tells me everything I mean everything. She's so open with me that it's ridiculous. I guess this is a good thing but at the same time I really don't want to hear half of the stuff she thinks she needs to tell me. It just makes my anxiety levels shoot through the roof.

 

I'm just tired of feeing this feeling guys. It's good to know that I still have emotion after all these years but the insecurity gives me anxiety and a really bad feeling in my stomach combined with an uncomfortable nervousness. I hate it and wish it would just go away. It's been so long since I've felt anything real for a female and when I finally do it's with a college girl that is just getting into living life. Honestly I feel like the relationship won't last. I wish I could just live in the moment like I used to but I can't really do that anymore.

 

I'm at the beach with the guys right now. On the strip all I see are young guys tugging on the girls getting their attention and I can't help but feel like she would like that type of thing. I guess the question is how do you deal with dating younger people and how do you handle a relationship that you really don't think will last completely?

 

P.S. This isn't a post about cheating. I wholeheartedly believe she is a loyal person and won't step out on me

Edited May 26, 2013 by d.grayman

[GB25]

Hey I was in the same position as you and there was also a thread on this subject recently started on the dating forum

 

I am a little older than you and dated a girl right around the age of you're girl so there was about a 10 yr age gap..she also was/is in college and liked to go out/party/smoke weed etc..

 

Its really really hard man..girls at that age for the most part do not know how to function in a monogamous relationship they just lack the maturity. They jump ship at first sign of conflict..now you're girl may be different but you are asking in general of dating younger/party girls..

 

At that age they will say/do things that you cannot analyze or even comprehend because they are on a totally different wave length. When I was with mine she was sooo inconsistent and would do things and say things that had me like WTF is she doing but all my friends would say ..dude you are trying to analyze the actions of a child it won't make sense..and that is the truth.

 

I tried to date a very young girl and wanted her to act like a woman but reality was she was a child..so my advice was be very cautious because girls that age can swing from guy to guy very quickly with no remorse or regards to emotions...it's not that they don't care it's just the maturity level is just not there..

 

You will be looking over you're shoulder and wondering why you arent a main priority..but unfortunately in college the significant other isnt always the main priority and at age 27 you might wanna be..and that will frustrate you a lot

[FitChick]

Did your girlfriend leave you because she wanted to experience more and see the world? Sounds like you might be repeating history, hoping to create a happy outcome this time. The past is past. Find someone who has already done those things so at the very least you will have more in common and at the very best you will both be ready for something serious.

[d.grayman]

I'm going to check out that thread GB and see how people are handling their situation. Honestly she was pushing for the relationship more than me. I know all about how younger girls are but for some reason she kept pursuing to make me hers so I just gave in since I was feeling some type of way about her anyway.

 

FitChick: We just grew apart. We argued all the time and eventually ended up lusting instead of loving. However after we broke up she did immediately have another guy so I'm guessing most likely she was ready to experience those things also. In all honesty at that age I felt the same way that she did.

 

You guys are right though, I might just have to put my feelings on ice before my heart gets broken again and my emotional shell hardens even more.

[hppr]

Next she hasn't been anywhere and rarely leaves her room. She tells me about all the things she wants to do and is interested in seeing and I've realized that she is just entering into that "exploring" phase. She is slightly curious about females, threesomes, and even swinging. She's extremely open sexually, but wouldn't dare do anything without my permission/consent.

 

People will tell you that they are 'all like that' when they are younger but they aren't believe me.

 

If you wanna be with this girl then you need to be 'open' to those sorts of things as well, like bringing home a girlfriend and the idea of her grinding with other dudes at a club etc and it sounds like you aren't.

 

Maybe give that stuff a try just to see if you can put up with it but if you are in the settle-down phase she's not there yet and I don't know that she'll ever 'be there'.

[123321]

I'm mid-40s, my GF will be half my age soon, and I snicker at the thought that you think your relationship is with a significantly younger woman.

 

I would humbly suggest that what you are dealing with is more about you and your maturing into a phase of life where you are starting to think about things as being more permanent, than about an actual age gap.

[d.grayman]

hppr: That's my plan. She went to the club last night and told me a guy was feeling all on her breasts and she told him to back up. I'm going to give a try to being open to things and if I can't handle it I will just drop out of the relationship.

 

d00d you're right bud, I'm the main problem here. I think I may go to a counselor and try to get to the bottom of why I'm feeling so insecure. I have a lot of things going for me so I really don't know why I feel this way. I need to figure this thing out because I really want to give this girl a chance, she seems a lot more mature than a lot of girls her age.

 

By the way thanks for the responses everyone, they are really helping.

[Adele0908]

The issue to me is not her, but your feelings of inadequacy and insecurity.

 

Even if you broke up with her, most likely you will run into the same problems with another woman that you really like, whether she was younger than you, older than you or your same age.

 

You have to work on conquering your insecurity or you might get controlling. You already sound slightly controlling... saying that she wouldn't mess around on you without your permission...you can't control her behavior no matter what you think.

[d.grayman]

Adele: By my permission I meant she asks me before she does anything that would compromise the relationship. For instance one of her female friends is interested in her and she asked me how I would feel if she had her first female experience with her - I told her I was okay with it. I'm really trying to be honest and open with her but I haven't quite figured where I'm going to draw the boundary of being open versus just being a yes man.

[Eddie Edirol]

Do you want her to NOT be attractive to other guys?

 

Do you have no idea why she wants to be with you, and you think she'll jump ship and you wont know why? Thinking you'll get blindsided while youre heart is deep in it will create this sort of insecurity and anxiety.

 

Are you falling for her more but just letting your heart go and not thinking of the logic of the situation?

 

Did you just decide to now settle down and thought since shes here, might as well give her a shot despite things you think might not be compatible about you two?

 

Do you want her to not be as sexually experimental as she is?

 

To me your best bet is to hold off getting feelings involved until you really know why you should get your heart involved. I didnt see anything in your OP that showed you are certain about anything with this girl.

[d.grayman]

Good questions Eddie. She is attractive and I want her to stay that way, to me and everyone else! I also love her sexual experimentation. The line about getting blindsided is what hits home, and that's simply because I haven't confirmed why she wants to be with me. We're going 9 months strong now so there must be something there.

 

I'm going to hold off adding any more feelings to the mix like you said and figure out a few "whys". I think it's been so long since I've felt anything that I'm just letting my emotions lead the way which could be a recipe for disaster.

[Eddie Edirol]

The line about getting blindsided is what hits home, and that's simply because I haven't confirmed why she wants to be with me. We're going 9 months strong now so there must be something there.

 

I'm going to hold off adding any more feelings to the mix like you said and figure out a few "whys". I think it's been so long since I've felt anything that I'm just letting my emotions lead the way which could be a recipe for disaster.

 

Ah yes, the whys are important. Since youre very experienced with women, didnt you know while youre with them the psychological reasons that they were attracted to you? Didnt you know the things you said and did that made them like you? Thats the key to your security. If youre just running around nabbing women willy nilly and have no idea, its easy to get scared.

 

For instance, I learned quite a few things on how to make women look at me differently, subtle things, and its usually the obvious.

Dont be needy,

have some kind of talent,

be passionate about a few things,

dont be negative or stubborn,

be willing to break a routine

dress and groom decently (Subjective to the womans style thats looking at you),

dont NEED anyone,

make them chase you (subjective to the normal push and pull power deal - everyone does it to a degree, they just wont admit it),

tease them a lil, challenge them, dont be afraid to make fun of them in a fun way,

dont make them be all and end all, at least at first,

give them your heart in drips and drabs, not all at once,

dont let them take up all of your time, things like that.

 

You probably did alot of this if not all. Its the basics of what many women are attracted to. But you really have to examine what her agenda for being with you might be.

Is she really insecure herself?

Does she have self esteem problems because of things that happened to her psychologically?

Is she on the rebound, using you to get over someone else, and she'll wake up eventually?

 

You have to see how much of these things you can figure out, and use her honesty, to find out if her intentions match yours. A guys who just wants to get laid wont care if a woman is on the rebound. A guy that wants a wife and kids and wants true love will not want to take that chance. its hard to get someone to admit things that will be a deal-breaker, so you might have to see through her so called "total honesty".

 

People will tell you all sorts of things that seem like the truth, but omit other truths. Truths like her sexual experimentation is surfacing now because her last bf dumped her for being too frigid. So she thinks of what he would have liked and hopes the next guy will like it. Great for the new guy, bad if she isnt over her ex fully. Know what Im sayin?