Flatline Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 This is Day 5 of our breakup. Everyday I wake up gasping in pain and nights are even harder to take. Yesterday was my high school graduation, and I had to spend it without the one I love, when we have been together for 2 years..in total 4 years of friendship all through high school. I have been diagnosed with depression before. Ive had it all through our relationship, and I can understand how miserable I had made her. A few days before graduation, I was walking my girlfriend home, and she seemed just fine, she was playing around with me and smiling. But she had a lot on her plate. I was hearing about her college worries, the money worries, she didnt have a dress for the occasions, she was feeling fat like always, she was upset over an AP Exam that suddenly got pushed to that day when it should have been days after, she was on her period (told me the day before) and she was feeling sad about graduation all at the same time. Now, when I told her that I had waited at least 10 mins earlier than the usual time she tells me she'll be out, she gets all upset and starts telling me how I'm better than her, how I stay up late like she used to do but now can't. It was all the strangest mood swing I had ever seen in.my.whole.entire.life. So then she starts breaking up with me! and I..i break down, because we had had such a nice day the day before and on email a few days back, she had seemed so happy. I dedicated a song to her and told her I'd play her a song one day and everything, she was really loving. This just all came out out of the blue. I overreacted and made a whole scene, and sworn alot, giving her the excuse that I need time to "mature". I shouldn't have done that, it was so childish, yelling all over the neighborhood and acting so harshly when she kept following me and trying to soften everything up. I shouldnt have sworn at her, but I needed to leave and she kept going after me grabbing my arm and touching me after I told her to leave me alone. Throughout this last semester of school, i have tried to be really close to her, you know? Ive tried to be more loving with her and get us to be close, because she leaves for uni in the summer but she just reacted so differently, so resistant. She's afraid of being with me because it'll just turn into another fight, we bicker alot. Why? because while I struggle with my depression, my girlfriend has bulemia and the thing that comes with it: depression. A two for one special. And our issues rub together and it doesnt breed anything good. You know, ive tried to give her space. She's tried to break up with me before in one of her fits. She promised to give me a second chance, but she never got into that second chance with me and tried to make it work with me. She sometimes says she regrets the whole relationship! A thought process from graduation being so near and thinking it was all a waste. She's afraid this whole thing will happen in college and just wants to be "free". She regrets not being with her "friends" but i never stopped her!! Hell, she calls me a jerk but what about her friends? One of them came over and randomly said I had eyes the color of pee! (medical condition). She said she should have broken up with me earlier. But I just dont understand her. I failed her. I should have been strong for her and comforted her in her time of need, while shes feeling like this, but her stuff only irritated my depression and killed our relationship. During grad she looked like she was in a funeral, walking with her mom, both of their heads down like someone died, she was all hunched and stuff. I saw her a couple of times, and she gave me that smile where you know it's her? that smile right as I came up for the diploma. Smiled again when I thumber her up as she walked out towards the middle. I didnt meet her in the crowd but I saw her. I was too spineless to ask for a picture at least, since we've known each other for 4 years. I know she still loves me, despite all the resentment and hate she has inside, alot of it from what she lets herself think, shes always thinking of herself as crap. *always* feeling fat. Hell, she half hates me for being skinny, something I have no control over because of my condition. I want a second chance so I can be there for her, because once high school was over this was all supposed to turn around for us. You guys, I have gone through so much, even gone homeless. Living in a hotel room for a month. And it really affected me. It kills me that now that I earned myself a new life, i don't have Rachel, the one thing that really mattered. I lost one to gain the other. This is just too freaked up. And it all seems like it happens to me. Now, what have been my mess ups since then? We've traded stuff back because of her, she said we should keep the gifts because it was when our hearts were happy. I had a photo album that I had made for her as a graduation present, and I gave that to her when I went over. Inside i put a letter, sort of a goodbye. When she came to drop my stuff there was also a letter, telling me to trust her and that she loved me. That we needed this at least for now. Essentially I understand she left the door open because we both need to mature. I know she needs to too. But I just...cant take this..I have emailed her four times. One the day of the break up to try. And three times on the day before graduation, one a poem. Since then nothing, because on graduation and onward I told myself I wouldnt contact her..she hasnt emailed back, nothing besides the goodbye letter with all the stuff she gave back. Im trying to go cold turkey but this girl...she's the girl of my dreams. How can I let her go? She says maybe after college we could get together..but am I just a doormat, a back up? She said maybe in college we could be friends and start from there but.. I cant stop thinking about her with some other guy..=/ I want to be the one who's there for her. I never gave up on her, she's the one who didn't hold on. It's like dropping out of high school on the last day. The ball is in her court. But I just..i need help.
Venom01 Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 (edited) My Dear Friend, I'm sorry for your loss. This must be a very difficult time for you. As many of us have shared on this forum, breakups are not easy. I'm not entirely sure, but it sounds to me that you're in school right now and could possibly seek some assistance from a counsellor or school therapist- likely at no fee at all. I think it's great that your getting support from others, sometimes speaking about what you're going through helps reduce it's power (mentally and physically). You may find it helpful to continue talking about you're feeling to your friends and family. At the present time, try finding acceptance in the situation. To think that you'll never find another partner that will love you just as much as her is ridiculous. Humans are naturally loving creatures. Be strong my friend, find some time to pamper yourself. Edited January 6, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author Flatline Posted May 26, 2013 Author Posted May 26, 2013 This isn't about my depression, i am being treated, and I feel like I almost have it beat. This is about her. I want her back...it's all I want. Another chance. Im afraid she won't come back, and I dont know how to deal with this. She told me I should get experience since she's my first one. Date other girls. But then she tells me she'd be "jealous". I just cant understand this.
Venom01 Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 This isn't about my depression, i am being treated, and I feel like I almost have it beat. This is about her. I want her back...it's all I want. Another chance. Im afraid she won't come back, and I dont know how to deal with this. She told me I should get experience since she's my first one. Date other girls. But then she tells me she'd be "jealous". I just cant understand this. One hand washes the other. You can also see a counsellor or therapist for other reasons unrelated to depression. You may want her back and your telling yourself that, but what's that thinking doing for you? What would happen if she didn't come back. What would your life be like? Ask yourself this, what advice would you give a friend in a similar situation. I think it's time to take your ex-gf advice and start doing what's best for you, and part of that is likely moving on.
Author Flatline Posted May 26, 2013 Author Posted May 26, 2013 How can I move on when I'm still in love with her? We're both in love, she's just doing this to protect us. To protect me from how she's feeling because I know she sees how irrational she's being and hates me getting hurt. You're going to tell me that she's okay and then 5 minutes after she's not and that's a reason for me to give up on her? She may have given up for now, but I know her. She knows we're each others, that we're meant to be. Our futures are laced together. This girl is one of those where you just *know* she's the one. And i've seen what's out there man. There's no other girl i want, most are completely vicious, and they dont even know I exist! If she didnt come back, id regret for the rest of my life what how miserable I made her due to my depression/circumstances. I want to fix it, I want to make her happy with me. She feels it too, she just needs some time to heal and forget about the past so we can start over.. my heart hurts so much =/ and its only day 5
TheMink Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 How can I move on when I'm still in love with her? We're both in love, she's just doing this to protect us. To protect me from how she's feeling because I know she sees how irrational she's being and hates me getting hurt. You're going to tell me that she's okay and then 5 minutes after she's not and that's a reason for me to give up on her? She may have given up for now, but I know her. She knows we're each others, that we're meant to be. Our futures are laced together. This girl is one of those where you just *know* she's the one. And i've seen what's out there man. There's no other girl i want, most are completely vicious, and they dont even know I exist! If she didnt come back, id regret for the rest of my life what how miserable I made her due to my depression/circumstances. I want to fix it, I want to make her happy with me. She feels it too, she just needs some time to heal and forget about the past so we can start over.. my heart hurts so much =/ and its only day 5 Hey man, I was about to head off to bed, but I saw your post so forgive me if some of this doesn’t make sense of there are spelling mistakes etc. because I’m half asleep. So when I read your post I can see that I’m in a similar situation as you at the moment, and I experienced exactly what you’re going through. So to start off I’d like to tell you my story. I’m 17, and in my last year of high school so from what I can see I’m a similar age to you if not a bit younger. So from the ages of 12-16 I hadn’t interacted with a girl since I enter high school. Mainly because I was shy, not very outgoing, introverted and I was very overweight before I lost it all. I needed a date for my semi-formal, so I was introduced to one through mutual friends. I was incredibly shy and had poor conversational skills. Just looking at her I got butterflies. I finally built up the courage to text her. It was a completely different world talking to her. Eventually we got together as a couple. We were pretty intimate, and about 4 and a half months later, we had decided that we wanted to lose our virginities. So we did, and it was one of the best moments of my life. Throughout the period we were going out we did have rough spots, times where we fought and were on the verge of splitting, but we always seemed to sort things out eventually. We were in a relationship for 9 months, until about a month ago she said that she had become bored of me and had lost her feelings, and was sick of my insecurities. It was such a shock. I thought that we were going so well together, we were talking about how I was going to kiss her senseless on the weekend, and that she was taking me to this cafe that she liked. But by me saying something so small that showed my insecurities like ‘I’m boring ‘ sent her over the edge. It was like she was just looking for a reason to break up with me. She was my first love, and guess what? She was a mental wreck, but it just made me love her even more. Her parents were divorced, and as a child she was physically abused by her father, who was an alcoholic and a drug user. When she was 11, her father was involved in a road rage incident leading to him driving a car off the road leading to the death of the driver and injuring 3 passengers. He's currently serving a 14 year sentence in prison, and last year she got to see him in prison for the first time in 5 years. At around the same time, her father's girlfriend, tried to commit suicide in front of her. She suffers from depression, and has on and off anxiety attacks, and suffers from night terrors. I have feared for her own safety at times, I have seen where she has cut herself. I really am the first kind of person that has come into her life that has truly show that amount of care for her. Although her mother does care for her, when she tried to talk to her mum about her depression and anxiety she just brushed it off, and wouldn't take any action. And went to the point that my girlfriend asked me to talk to her mum about it for her, which I gladly agreed to do (of which I might add her mum made fun of me for doing so). My girlfriend hasn't really ever had a father figure in her life, and the one that she was starting to see as one (her mothers partner) died when she was 13. I've always been there for her, worried about her, cared for her, been a shoulder when she needed someone to talk to. For the last 5 weeks after she broke up with me, I’ve been trying to understand and come to terms with what happened. And trust me, it is really hard to deal with it as everyone on here will be able to tell you. At first I tried being friends with her, but she just turned out to be a bitch, and made things harder to move on. At the moment I’ve been in NC for two weeks. And I think it’s exactly what I think you should do as well. From what I can tell you’ve tried your hardest to sort things out but you can’t. As much as it sucks I think you need to move past this girl. You could go on for weeks and weeks trying to figure out what went wrong, what you should of done, what she should have done, questioning if her feelings for you were real or not. Because that’s what I’ve done. There is no answer to those questions. But at the end of the day it’s just one of those things that happens. When someone says that things are over, you’ve got to accept that, and respect their decision. The best thing for you to do right now is go no contact. For two reasons, the first one being is that it helps you heal and deal with the heartbreak and secondly it let’s her miss you which will decide whether she gets back with you. There is no easy way to get over this, you’re going to go through a lot of hurt in the next few weeks, but it has to be done if you want to move past this girl. There’s no point dwelling on what could have been. The chances of first loves staying together forever are very slim if not impossible. It sucks, but I’ve learnt it the hard way, and you will have to eventually as well. I’ll expand more on this in another post because I’m too tired to at the moment. But just to conclude, I think it’s time for you to go no contact. It’s time to move past this first love and find someone that you deserve. And I know it’s not easy to see now, but she’s not the perfect girl. I was thinking the exact same thing, and I still do from time to time. You’ve got to realise that she’s just going to be the first of many wonderful girlfriends that you’ll have. Maybe the next one will be better than her, and maybe she won’t be, but eventually one day you’ll find her. And I’m coming to terms with that at the moment as well. I’ll talk about this more in a future post, but just so you know, you’re not alone in this, we’ve all gone through and are experiencing that same thing that you are right now. One day at a time, you, and I, will get through this You need to stop thinking that she’s ‘the one’ because it’s not true, you’re idolising her and putting her up on a pedestal. Because if she really was the one she wouldn’t have done this to you. Being in love and staying in love is something that people need to be dedicated to, and work together to make it work, but from this it’s very obvious that she obviously doesn’t care about the relationship as much as you do. She’s not the one, you need to stop this line of thinking. About a month ago, I felt EXACTLY what you are feeling right now, and trust me, I now realise that it’s not true at all.
Author Flatline Posted May 26, 2013 Author Posted May 26, 2013 Other girlfriends won't cut it, I dont want any of them. "wonderful"? are you serious? how can any girl ever come close to how beautiful she looked when she smiled, to how her cheeks blazed. Her cheeks, man when she smiled and they raised she looked amazing. Im not looking to move past this girl. How can you tell me that she doesn't love me when 1). She tells me I need experience with other girls, but tells me she'd be "jealous" 2) She doesn't want to return my plushies and stuff, says so I won't give them to other girls 3) I'm telling you she was just fine the day before. 4) I tried to give back all her gifts and stuff she made for me but she just gave them back. Its because she doesnt want me to forget her, she wants us too. I accept that she's gone maybe now..but not forever.. I can't. She said we need time to heal, and I want that hope even though i hate being thrown hope. How can I win back her love once some time passes?
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