He lied, I kicked him out

[weylyniw]

I'm so confused and emotionally involved in all of this, I hope you guys can give me some outside perspective.

 

Backstory: I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 years. No real big complaints in our relationship, we've had typical long-term couples stuff but by and large everything has been great. He is sweet, funny, and supportive. He did cheat in a past relationship (long story), but I have done my best not to let the past cloud our future until he shows me otherwise. We have been long distance for a few months (and will be till the end of this year) while I am out of his state for an education. We talk every day, multiple times a day. It's been tough, but we've got it together.

 

We are also involved in a non-profit, volunteer hobby together. He runs it, I provide training for new members. We recently got a new member, a very young (21), pretty girl who lives close to my boyfriend. She is very "green" but interested in what we do. She is engaged and recently bought a home with her fiance. They fight a lot and she confindes in anyone who will listen (to include my boyfriend, who on his admission just brushes her off). She and her finace always make up, as one can tell from her Facebook page when she expresses her undying love to him.

 

She has been hot and cold attending volunteer events, so I expressed my frustration to my boyfriend that I'm having a difficult time giving 110% as her instructor when she only pops up once every few months. I found out he has been helping her, once in person and a couple times on the phone. He told me about a few of these times. I told him it's not kosher that she gets special treatment. He agreed.

 

Onto the lies...The other day, Boyfriend texts me that a family member has been in a minor accident and that he will be with said family member all day the next day. I expressed my concern and took it as fact. Turns out, he went to an event for our hobby (a demo for school age kids) with this girl and neglected to tell me. I checked on him and his family member throughout the day, and he confirmed that's what he was doing. So I point blank asked him yesterday which was it, was he tending to family or with this girl. He admitted everything, that he was with her, that they did go to the event, and he only brought her along to try to keep her involved with us. He felt I would be mad if I knew he had given her special treatment again.

 

I was furious, not about the trip (I'm not jealous or suspicious by nature) but about the lies. The flat out lies to my face. I told him we're done and not to call me again. He was extremely apologetic, but said would accept and deserved anything I wanted to do. So I booted him out, have gone NC, and haven't spoken to him since.

 

A part of me is justified. A part of me misses him, he was a wonderful boyfriend and my best friend.

 

Please help.

[TaraMaiden]

Read the No Contact Guide in my signature.

 

Admittedly, it is written from the PoV of the dumpee. As such, the teminology may appear one-sided.

 

However, there is much in there which will be useful to you for several reasons, because of two things:

One, You are the Dumper (it will show you what NOT to so, in that position) and two, you are also, in an odd way, the dumpee.

 

You discussed something with him.

he agreed with you.

he then lied to you and went behind your back and behaved in a way that was deceitful and dishonest.

I won't say he 'betrayed' you because I think that's a strong term - but it's probably how you feel.

 

As to how you behave with him in the joint environment of what you do together, the answer is also in the NC guide, (it was written originally by a guy who worked with his ex, in the same building....) but as a summary - all and every necessary contact must focus solely on the stuff you do together as volunteers. no personal chats, no friendly banter. Just focus "on the job" and leave it at that.

[weylyniw]

Thank you guys. The validation on my decision really does help. Damn it hurts, though.