Husband cheated 2 months after wedding

[Devast8d]

Well, where do I start? My head is still spinning.

The past two weeks have been hell and the world as I know it is over.

 

I've been married to my husband for just over two years. Immediately after the wedding he became really distant and wouldn't give me the time of day. I had some resentment towards him because he did very little to help organise the wedding that HE wanted (I wanted to elope) and that he insisted we had to have so as not to upset his family. So things weren't great between us. But when I confronted him about it at the time he said he wasn't sure he had made the right decision, he didn't know if he wanted to be married and he said he just needed time to figure things out.

 

He assured me repeatedly there was noone else. I figured he was depressed (he has been in the past) and tried to help him theough it. At the same time I was devastated. I cried every other day. I was useless at work. And my heart was braking.

Meanwhile. He was working all the time, going out drinking and coming home really late. This was very out of character. But i figured it was the depression.

 

Anyway, this went on for 4-6 months and it was the most awful period of my life (at the same I've everyone was saying 'so how is married life?' - Urgh! It was torture!). Since then, this have been good between us and i have been happy.

Then a couple of weeks ago I went to download something on his computer and his email was open. I am not sure why but I decided to click on his archive folder and there I was. An email dating back two years that proved his infidelity. He'd sent a smutty email to some girl he worked with.

 

When he came home he said it was a drunken one off pash followed by a few messages. I was devastated but decided that this was forgivable and was making progress towards healing. Then this week, I remembered that it was at that time that he reset his Facebook password. So I reset it and logged in to find that he had been having correspondence with her for 3-4 months and was telling her about how he was unhappy at home. I confronted him about I and asked why he lied to me.

 

At that point he admitted he had also slept with her three times, going back to her house after work and then coming back home to me. In the interim we'd been to a counsellor and he had lied there too- saying he never slept with her.

I was devastated.

 

I was so certain in my head that I was done. I was certain I would leave. Not only had he had an affair (meanwhile he even said 'well, that depends on your definition of affair! There wasn't any emotional attachment so I guess I never thought of it like that') but her had lied about it. At the same time. He has been saying all the right things, making all the right promises, and I believe he is deeply upset as he has been crying a lot, and deeply and I've never seen him cry before.

 

But i guess I don't really know him that well so maybe he's just upset he's been caught and is scared I will leave and everyone in his life will find out about it (everyone thinks he is the perfect husband and he's Mr Nice Guy - as did I. Whoops!)

 

So, I'm in a conundrum. there are a few questions that are plaguing me:

 

How do you know if your spouse really understands the gravity of what they have done? Is there anything in particular you ask for?

 

how do you determine whether the remorse is genuine when you dont feel comforable trusting the person?

 

How do you try to stop it happening again? In this case, because it was two years ago it is hard for both of us to recall exactly what we were thinking/doing, except that he was withdrawn from the relationship and I was resentful.

I'm not sure what to do yet. It's a rollercoaster of emotions but I think I'll be fine either way. I was so hurt back at the time (even though I didn't know the reasons for him being so distant) that I can't possibly go through that pain again. And if I start to feel like that I'll leave and i don't think that would be a huge loss at this point.

Edited May 27, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[whichwayisup]

He hasn't had ANY consquences and he feeds you what you want to hear and then goes ahead and does what he wants.

 

You don't have to divorce him (I wish you would though as he doesn't deserve you!!) but you certainly can make it seem like you're going to, to snap him out of it. As painful as this is going to be, my suggestion is, kick him out. Tell him that you love him but do not trust him. That he has betrayed and hurt you, he isn't acting like a loving and supportive husband, and he's immature!

 

Let him be on his own, experience what life will be without you. Maybe then he'll realize what he's done and wake the f up.

 

IF he is genuinally remorseful and is willing to work with you to fix the marriage at some point, then consider taking him back and do marriage counseling together. Life will go on, you can and will survive this, either with him or without him.

 

But for now, focus on you and getting your self esteem back. Sorry that you're going through this. He's a real shi.t to do this to you! Even more so since you've only been married 2 years.

[ComingInHot]

Devastated (sorry my tablet is possessed and sometimes doesn't let me use the # keys*)

You wrote, " ow do you know if your spouse really understands the gravity of what they have done? Is there anything in particular you ask for?

 

how do you determine whether the remorse is genuine when you dont feel comforable trusting the person?

 

How do you try to stop it happening again? In this case, because it was two years ago it is hard for both of us to recall exactly what we were thinking/doing, except that he was withdrawn from the relationship and I was resentful.

 

I'm not sure what to do yet. It's a rollercoaster of emotions but I think I'll be fine either way. I was so hurt back at the time (even though I didn't know the reasons for him being so distant) that I can't possibly go through that pain again. And if I start to feel like that I'll leave and i don't think that would be a huge loss at this point.

 

Dvstd, for many people, unless they have REAL consequences, they cannot truly understand the gravity of their actions and the affects on others.

You can NOT stop a cheater from cheating again. Only the cheater can "stop" himself from cheating again.

 

Lastly, I'm confused on your timeline (I could have misread though ). You mention TWO years ago then write he cheated TWO Months after you were M.

 

I guess, When was your H's and OW's last contact?

What do you "Feel" you should?

What do you "Think" you should do?

 

No matter what happens, it may be a Good idea to keep the evidence from his A in a safe place so you can use it if you need it to Anul the M & not D...? Ad if he plays "victim" and points to you as "villain" , well, w/the evidence, that will knock his lies right out of the park.*

[dreamingoftigers]

Two years of total lying? No Kids? Devastated you in the first months of marriage? Trashed you to OW?

 

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Seriously, read the myriad of threads on this forum, including my own and you'll see why.

 

This guy completely doesn't get it.

 

At LEAST chuck him out. He really really needs to go.

I know where you are at, you are in total shock and by the time you resolve that, you'll be attached to him again and play ball with the "promises" unless you make the move quick. Don't let him blindside you again! He isn't who you thought he was! He just isn't!

 

Get yourself checked for STDs. This is only the one that YOU CAUGHT. There may be more, may not be. YOU HAVE NO IDEA until he can show you proof, and even then, he's smashed your history to bits.

 

Part of marriage is being able to look back on the good times when things get bad. I can strongly assure you that you don't have enough of a foundation to pull this through. He wouldn't even help with the wedding he insisted on. He is completely passive-aggressive and conflict-avoidant about how he deals with unhappiness or anger. You will NEVER be able to trust this guy unless you sign him up for yearly polygraphs. OH......yay.....

 

Seriously, what has he done for you lately that makes up for cheating and lying throughout your marriage. What a TOOL.

[BetrayedH]

Read the thread pinned at the top of this forum, Things Every WS Needs to Know. This will give you a clue what true remorse looks like from your wayward spouse.

 

I also agree with the others that asking him to leave is a wise path. In fact, I would also encourage you to see an attorney to discuss your options or to file for divorce. Then IF you see what looks like true remorse to you, you can always pause the proceedings.

 

One of the challenges after an affair is discovered is that the wayward spouse's initial reaction is to do damage control. They don't want to lose their wife, lifestyle, and family nor do they want to suffer the embarrasment of being outed. They end up staying out of guilt, fear, and obligation. If you ask him to leave, then you will have removed that variable (much of it anyway). It is also a good way to ensure that your self-esteem stays intact; you shouldn't a cept less than you are worth and he hasn't yet proven himself worthy at this point.

 

What is HE doing to repair the damage that he's done and to rebuild trust? Why does he say that he had an affair? How did it end?

 

Keep posting and processing. I tell you, you can't buy the kind of wisdom that this place can provide if you truly engage and follow the advice that you think works for you.

[Devast8d]

Thanks all for your messages so far. We have been married for just over two years but the affair took place just two months into the marriage and I have no reason to believe it has been going on for the past 18 months.

 

As for my husband, he appears remorseful, is deeply upset (not sleeping, crying) and saying all the right things- he will change, he wants us to be more open, he would never jeopardize us like that again because it wasn't worth it, he got nothing out of it himself except for guilt and shame. And he says he hates that he has done this to me.

 

But then he keeps withholding details, not telling the truth initially and then when I push him he admits he has lied eg said he used protection every time but admitted last night he didn't. I can understand why someone who has been sprung and is scared of leaving might not be honest. But I know it doesn't excuse it and its hampering my healing.

 

He certainly does seem like a dud deal right now. But I still love him and he seems to want to change. If I give him a second chance I just don't want to look back in6 months or ten years though and realise it was a mistake.

[Furious]

Thanks all for your messages so far. We have been married for just over two years but the affair took place just two months into the marriage and I have no reason to believe it has been going on for the past 18 months.

 

As for my husband, he appears remorseful, is deeply upset (not sleeping, crying) and saying all the right things- he will change, he wants us to be more open, he would never jeopardize us like that again because it wasn't worth it, he got nothing out of it himself except for guilt and shame. And he says he hates that he has done this to me.

 

But then he keeps withholding details, not telling the truth initially and then when I push him he admits he has lied eg said he used protection every time but admitted last night he didn't. I can understand why someone who has been sprung and is scared of leaving might not be honest. But I know it doesn't

excuse it and its hampering my healing.

 

He certainly does seem like a dud deal right now. But I still love him and he seems to want to change. If I give him a second chance I just don't want to look back in6 months or ten years though and realise it was a mistake.

 

 

Liars are very good at crocodile tears.

 

Has he come clean without your insistence for the truth. Every bit of truth seems to have been dragged out of him. It's apparent he will omit and minimize, and give you tidbits. Omission is equal to an outright lie.

 

Marriage is a lifelong commitment. Your husband broke his vows to you within months of being married. Is this the man you're willing to have children with, is this the man who is worthy of your love.

 

If someone shows you who they are believe it. Don't listen to his words but listen to his actions.

 

If he couldn't handle becoming a married man how do you think he will handle being a married man with children?

 

You owe it to yourself to take a step back and process facts rather than emotions. Make a list of facts and compare it to his words and actions.

 

Loving someone doesn't mean loving yourself less.

[Devast8d]

Wildmtnchild I'm so sorry to hear you are experiencing something similar. It is the most painful grief I've ever known. As bad as the death of a loved one.

 

Reading everyone's posts has helped me a lot. While I know he has done something inexcusable and disgusting I realized through the advice to leave him that I don't want to. Not for him, but for me. I realized that while I might someday regret taking him back if he does it again, I might also regret it if I don't try to work through this difficult time with him especially as I don't believe he will do it again. I don't want to deny myself the chance for us to recover and to have him make it up to me. I don't want to leave just because I think that's what other people think I should do.

 

Time will tell whether I'm a fool. But right now, I feel a sense of relief.

 

And i know I will survive whatever happens.

[findingnemo]

My opinion is that you are not in position to judge whether he is truly remorseful until you are separated. I advocate for Rs but I also advocate for appropriate punishments for bad behaviour. Just as you have been advised, kick him out and tell him you need time alone to think about things. Yes, he will beg and plead but it is to be expected.

 

Kicking him out will bring home to him 1) how bad his actions were, and 2) you are willing and able to enforce your boundaries. Both those things he needs to appreciate so that he doesn't dare have an A again in the future. As much as it may hurt you to do it, just do it. You are not his mother who has no choice but to love her child whatever he does. You are his W. The crying, not sleeping is distracting you from your goal and putting you in the position of comforter. That's not good in the long term. You will feel conflicted and end up sweeping things under the rug.

[BetrayedH]

Your husband is giving you what we refer to around here as, Trickle Truth. It's common enough that we just abbreviate it as TT. He only tells you what you already know and maybe one more tidbit so you think you know everything. This is all part of a highly recognizable pattern. They lie, deny, minimize, and lie some more. You don't even know how long the affair lasted? He is resistant of about telling you the truth? Does that sound like true remorse to you? He is still actively lying straight to your face. Do you not deserve better than this? Is it possible that you are staying out of shock and fear yourself?

 

It's not wise to offer such cheap forgiveness while you are still in a fog of betrayal.

[dreamingoftigers]

Your husband is giving you what we refer to around here as, Trickle Truth. It's common enough that we just abbreviate it as TT. He only tells you what you already know and maybe one more tidbit so you think you know everything. This is all part of a highly recognizable pattern. They lie, deny, minimize, and lie some more. You don't even know how long the affair lasted? He is resistant of about telling you the truth? Does that sound like true remorse to you? He is still actively lying straight to your face. Do you not deserve better than this? Is it possible that you are staying out of shock and fear yourself?

 

It's not wise to offer such cheap forgiveness while you are still in a fog of betrayal.

 

You don't have to decide this second if you want to stay with him or leave him.

 

I was very reluctant to separate from my husband. The truth as to why: he repeatedly threatened the relationship by word and action. He would disappear so I knew that he was "serious." But truth be told, he was about as committed to staying away from the relationship as he was being in it.

 

I figured if we separated that he wouldn't fight for the relationship and just let it die out of fear or shame. I thought if I stayed in it that I would have a lot better hope etc.

 

Then one day I realized despite all of the crying and upset and "truth and feelings" he shared, that he was full of sh*t and wasn't going to stop. I also realized that even if he did not fight for the marriage that I did deserve better

than that. Overall my primary concern was that he would leave our daughter as well out of shame. And I didn't want them to fall apart. I finally realized that she deserves a Dad that will fight for her too instead of holding her mother's emotions hostage. He was booted. He disappeared for 8 weeks.

 

Then he got in touch and DEMANDED we go on a trip to visit his parents as a family. Pffffttt. At one point he blasted me about it. "this trip would make ME happy and it would make MY PARENTS happy and OUR DAUGHTER happy. Just can it and be HAPPY about as going as a family!"

 

But I wasn't happy and it was ridiculous. Then it turned out the two weeks of sobriety he had was total BS. He had been DTing in anticipation of meeting me three days later so we could drive across the country together with our daughter. OH HELL NO! I wasn't going with some half-drunk, pissed-off-in-withdrawal, angry lying cheater! Screw that!

 

He was really mad. Whatever. I wasn't dragging our kid through not seeing Daddy for 8 weeks to go across the country with "DT Daddy."

So he fumed for a bit.

 

Then eventually got the help he neededand started acting more like a husband and father than a petulant teenager.

 

But, honestly, yours did WAAAAY worse than mine did. The first two months??? Seriously. You've got very little to build on. The first few years are supposed to be you're Golden Era. You need something other than "how bad he feels now." even with the recovery effort he put in before that may very well have not been enough, but now to find out it was lies? You'll be living in half of a marriage at best. There's no foundation of "I could trust this person but they glitches up....here....and they're working on it. You can't pinpoint anything. Because he wrecked EVERYTHING.

 

And now you won't even boot him so he can figure out what his deal is, and you can see it. I honestly wonder if this is about "supervision." I'm not judging you, I went there myself and occasionally still do. If toucan keep an eye on him, you can "see if he's doing it again." "see if he's worth trusting." it's no way to live and there's no way you can just up and trust him again.

 

And no, sitting down and saying, "I can't trust you right away" is only going to get a trained-lying-seal to do his "honesty trick" for a little while until they go back to what they were doing before.

[BeholdtheMan]

Two years of total lying? No Kids? Devastated you in the first months of marriage? Trashed you to OW?

 

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Sound advice right here

[Devast8d]

I feel like such a head case. I had a day of relief and was sure we'd get through it. Then more lies.

 

I packed up today and have gone back to my parents. I don't want to stay in the house.

 

I am an anxious, heartbroken wreck. I think I've cried nearly all day long.

 

How could he do this to me! I wish I could fast forward through this nightmare. I can't bear it.

[BetrayedH]

I feel like such a head case. I had a day of relief and was sure we'd get through it. Then more lies.

 

I packed up today and have gone back to my parents. I don't want to stay in the house.

 

I am an anxious, heartbroken wreck. I think I've cried nearly all day long.

 

How could he do this to me! I wish I could fast forward through this nightmare. I can't bear it.

 

I'm very sorry to see this happen. For what's it's worth, your reactions are pretty normal. It's normal for you to want to forgive and salvage the relationship and it's normal for the wayward to do damage control and keep lying. It's such a predictable pattern that it is difficult and frustrating to watch it unfold. I was the same way as a betrayed spouse; it took me 8 months to discover that my wife was still lying.

 

It amazes me that the waywards keep lying but put on such a show about wanting to stay and wanting us to stay. They always lie about some details of the affair which are pretty inconsequential compared to the fact that THEY ARE STILL LYING. They fail to see that the lies, deception, and betrayal are the hardest things to get past - not some detail about how long the affair lasted or how many times they did it. They miss the point that we cannot forgive the lying when they are still lying. I swear, TT kills more marriages than the damn affairs themselves.

[BetrayedH]

You need to start taking care of yourself. If you're anything like the rest of us, you're suffering mind-racing, loss of sleep, and weight loss. I'm not a fan of anti-depressants but consider something to help you sleep if that's a severe problem. And don't feel guilty for leaning on friends and family; tell those that you need for support.

 

I also still recommend seeing an attorney soon to discover your options. He should really be the one to leave the marital home. Laws vary greatly by state but some could construe your departure as abandonment. A few states will consider adultery heavily in a divorce proceeding (in which case you need all the proof you can get) while most are "no-fault" and don't much care. But the fact is that you need good legal counsel. This is not to say you have to choose reconciliation or divorce but that you need to know your options and it sends the right signal to your H.

 

But above all, focus on yourself for a while.

[dreamingoftigers]

I feel like such a head case. I had a day of relief and was sure we'd get through it. Then more lies.

 

I packed up today and have gone back to my parents. I don't want to stay in the house.

 

I am an anxious, heartbroken wreck. I think I've cried nearly all day long.

 

How could he do this to me! I wish I could fast forward through this nightmare. I can't bear it.

 

You will pull through the quicker you slice away from this.

Honestly. There's way too much stupid in that one.

 

At least you can go home for a bit.

 

I'm very sorry to see this happen. For what's it's worth, your reactions are pretty normal. It's normal for you to want to forgive and salvage the relationship and it's normal for the wayward to do damage control and keep lying. It's such a predictable pattern that it is difficult and frustrating to watch it unfold. I was the same way as a betrayed spouse; it took me 8 months to discover that my wife was still lying.

 

It amazes me that the waywards keep lying but put on such a show about wanting to stay and wanting us to stay. They always lie about some details of the affair which are pretty inconsequential compared to the fact that THEY ARE STILL LYING. They fail to see that the lies, deception, and betrayal are the hardest things to get past - not some detail about how long the affair lasted or how many times they did it. They miss the point that we cannot forgive the lying when they are still lying. I swear, TT kills more marriages than the damn affairs themselves.

 

I went through it for years until I got sick of it and got through the "kicked in the head" feeling for long enough.

 

It honestly clouds your brain and floods your emotions. I wish I had had somewhere to go but I didn't.

 

I'm glad that you are out of there. Please don't go back. Look at his record not his promises.

 

With anyone you get involved with: look at their record, not their promises. You don't need to be their "parole."

 

Whatever happens now, be very very very nice to yourself.

 

I am so glad that you made it out OP, a lot that go back in don't make it back out for years, or when they get dumped because WS ran off with the AP. Good for you!

 

It won't seem positive for a little bit. But really, it will when you get established again. You won't have a life where you have to wonder what your husband is up to all of the time. That's worth ten marriages.

[dreamingoftigers]

You need to start taking care of yourself. If you're anything like the rest of us, you're suffering mind-racing, loss of sleep, and weight loss. I'm not a fan of anti-depressants but consider something to help you sleep if that's a severe problem. And don't feel guilty for leaning on friends and family; tell those that you need for support.

 

I also still recommend seeing an attorney soon to discover your options. He should really be the one to leave the marital home. Laws vary greatly by state but some could construe your departure as abandonment. A few states will consider adultery heavily in a divorce proceeding (in which case you need all the proof you can get) while most are "no-fault" and don't much care. But the fact is that you need good legal counsel. This is not to say you have to choose reconciliation or divorce but that you need to know your options and it sends the right signal to your H.

 

But above all, focus on yourself for a while.

 

OP, Either way, even if you lose big-time financially, you are young and can replenish a lot. Do get the best option but don't let your husband manipulate or intimidate you with divorce costs or losses. Getting away from this asshat liar is worth an infinite amount of money.

 

You may think that he's a "nice guy" at some point in the game here, and he might even be. But he's a completely messed-up and disrespectful guy. Don't forget that. He will drag you down. I've posted this link a lot this week:

 

The Scorpion and the Frog - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia