Breaking up, LDR. NC or best friends?

[Pandy13]

Hi everyone,

 

I need some help with my situation. I had a LDR with my ex boyfriend for a year and then a month and a week ago he broke up out of the blue. He said he was confused about his feelings whether he was in love with me or he just considered me as his best friends. Then after we agreed to go 2 weeks of NC to get our feelings straight. Well, I sorta cheated and wrote him 2 letters (I know I was bad; I did things that I was not supposed to do).

 

Then 2 weeks passed and he told me that breaking up was what he wanted. He said he loved me but just like a sister because he doesn't feel romantic towards me anymore (I guess it's because of the distances and lack of physical contact?). He said breaking up helps release stress of being in a relationship for him (I'm not sure how? Anyone can shed some lights?). He said he still wanted to be best friends but hoped it will not be a forced friendship, meaning I should not stay friends w him just bc I want to get back together in the future.

 

After that I went NC immediately. 3 weeks later he texted me on the topic (which was not related to us) about how he doesn't want to graduate (he's a college senior, doesn't have a job yet and is very confused about what he wants). I waited almost half a day before I decided to text back in a very neutral, non-interested tone. Then things ended there for the day. 2 days later, he texted me again saying "blehhh one hour until commencement starts" and how he thought 4 years of college were a big waste of his time (he didn't do very well in college as he wished to).. I texted back in neutral tone again and things ended there.

 

So the thing w me is I still want to give us a try to work things out because I realize there were many things that could have been done differently for us to work again. Yet, he said weeks ago that his feelings were not really there to try though he knew I would want to. But I think life after college would make him change his mind. I have always been there before to support him and comfort him and do my best role as a gf.

 

On one hand, I want to go NC forever because that would make him miss me and may change his feelings. On the other hand, I also want to be around and talk to him through his issues (he has a lot of issues w depression and self-esteem, etc) so that he finally realizes that I'm the one.

 

I know you guys will probably tell me to quit and move on, which I have been trying to do but it's really hard.. When I thought about whether to go NC or to become friends w him, I'm just confused and don't know what to think because right now I can think on both sides of the issue...

[eachcomingnight]

Hi, Pandy.

I too recently broke up after being in an LDR for about 18 months.

I think the standard advice of no contact applies, perhaps even more so after an LDR break-up. The reason being that so much of a LDR is based on communication rather than on physical presence/shared time and activities. So if you continue communicating as before, it will be difficult to accept that you are actually broken up, and your healing process will be prolonged.

 

My ex also said that things didn't "feel right" anymore although he cared about me as a person. Stopping our communication has helped me realize that I can indeed live without him and actually be happy and whole following the break-up of our relationship. I broke NC once and felt awful afterwards - because I realized I was doing it with the hope of getting back with him, and I saw that that wasn't going to happen.

 

I'd say get out anything that you need to to feel as much closure as possible (total closure is probably not going to happen) and then cut him off and focus on yourself.

 

Good luck!

[Pandy13]

Hi eachcomingnight,

 

Thank you so much for your post. I am thinking the same too like how coming back is not going to happen. But I still think in the future as things change after college for him, he'll change his thoughts about us?

 

BUT hmmm I've made up my mind (OMG I hope I do bc I tend to vacillate after a few days..) that this hope is something in the future and depends on what he thinks and for now what he thinks should NOT matter to me anymore, AT ALL!!

 

SO, I'll stop stalking his fb (I'll do my best NOT to by thinking about the pain I feel after stalking him and seeing how he's still moving on with his life). I'll stop responding to all of his texts. I will still think of him very very often as I've been the past 3 weeks but doesn't mean I would want to communicate with him.

 

I must stay strong.

 

It's strange because I think about this now but then a few days later I'll change my thinking and wonder what if he changes his mind, what if he wants to come back in the future, what if not responding to his texts gives him signals that I've completely moved on...

[Pandy13]

And like after this, I'm very confused about relationship, being in love, etc. I don't think I'll have the confidence for any LDR anymore though I know that this will be more likely to happen because I'm still at my early of twenties. People will move around temporarily and so I may end up with someone in the future who has to live far away from me... I still can't think straight from this experience so far..

[eachcomingnight]

Hey,

No problem. Glad I could be of some help. I'd stick around here and continue to use it as a place to post your thoughts and feelings. Also, reading other people's stories has been so helpful to me.

 

I thought I was going to be with my boyfriend forever, and I also found myself clinging to hope following the break-up. I think what was most helpful to me was realizing that hanging on to hope was really what was causing much of my pain post-breakup. The initial days and weeks were certainly a period of pain and shock but past that, it was this "what if" that kept me feeling anxious and upset and uneasy. When I broke NC about a month after the break-up, I realized that I had been secretly holding out hope that he would say "I've been waiting for you to reach out, I changed my mind." When that didn't happen I realized that this was for real and that I had to let go of the hope and accept it. I also feel that my ex may regret his decision at some point in time but the reality of right now is that he doesn't, and he wants to live his life so the best that we can do is live ours as fully as we can without them.

 

Healing can be a painful and drawn-out process. You will feel an incredible range of feelings and you have to just feel them and work through them. It's really frustrating to not be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but eventually it will start shining through and these first few days/weeks will be a distant memory.

 

I carried a journal around with me for the first 2 weeks of NC to pour out all of the thoughts I wanted to send to him.

[eachcomingnight]

As for your follow-up post - I know I'm not at all ready to move on to somebody new because the thought of someone else inevitably leads to comparisons to him that make me feel sick ... so I have decided not to even think about future love, relationships etc until I am even more healed than I am now.

[Pandy13]

Thank you so much for sticking around and helping me with this moment of panic/ weakness even though I don't even know you in person. I wish I know you in person though so that at some point in the future I can give back what you've helped me.

 

I think whenever he texted me (and yes he always initiated texting), it mostly has to do with his personal breakdowns and I feel like a jerk if I don't respond to give him some encouragement. And if I don't respond at all, he automatically picks up the clue that I'm really no longer interested, even in friendship, and have already moved on.

 

But see, thinking like that, I'm trying to feed my own hope and obsession. So I think I have to tell myself that "ok, I've moved on, really have and must show him that I have completely done so by not talking to him at all!" even though I've agreed to being his best friends before still after the breakup. So now I think I'm torn between keeping my words and doing something good for me, which is to move on and remove him completely from my life. So I guess I should be selfish here?

[Pandy13]

And I just read some of your previous posts:

 

You said you flew to see him in person after the breakup with hope of rekindling things? I was telling my ex the moment he said breakup was what he wanted. His reaction was absolute objection because he felt like we already broke up and trying to be together in person was just like him using me for physical purpose. He didn't want that because he made that mistake with his previous ex.

 

And I agree with something you said that "he had had so much time to worry about how he felt that it was too late by the time I saw him." I think my ex had so much to worry about our relationship too that he thought ending things early was better than being in a relationship for another year and then things would be too rough to end. Isn't so strange how guys think? And I mean co'mon if there are things to worry about they should at least let us know so we can work on things together. Isn't it so?

[eachcomingnight]

We are quite similar, it seems. One of the things that has helped me get through this period of time without totally self-destructing is that I have a pretty good read on my own feelings, motivations, etc. You seem to have a good read on yourself as well. It's easy to be in denial, as you'll see if you read enough posts on here.

 

Yes, I would say it's time for you to look after yourself (I wouldn't even call it being selfish). He had the option of your love and attention and look at what he did with that. Now he wants to keep your attention while not giving you the benefits of commitment. How selfish is that?

 

My recommendation is, when you're ready - when you've realized that this is causing you way too much pain to be worth it - write him an email that explains to him that you had really hoped to be friends but that you've realized that it is really too painful to continue your communication, and that you are going to have to focus on yourself. Encourage him to do the same. If you must, you can let him know that your lack of response doesn't mean that you don't care, just that you can't be his shoulder to cry on anymore.

 

If you do choose to do this, write it out and then sleep on it - give it 24 hours, go back over it, delete anything that appears desperate or aimed at getting him to respond.

 

As many on here have said, if he did a complete 180 and changed his mind, he'd let you know - but truthfully, issues like confusion over commitment generally take a long time to resolve themselves, if they ever do. You'd probably be back to this same place in a short period of time.

[eachcomingnight]

Haha,

And we are even more alike, I guess.

I flew over before things ended, actually, but after he was pretty certain that he was going to call it quits. It was a difficult experience as he acted pretty normal (aka like my boyfriend) for most of the time before he finally said that a break-up was what he needed.

 

I agree with pretty much everything you said at the end of your last post. He also was thinking way ahead and actually brought up something like "Well we never fight so we'll never break up..."... as justification for ending it then!! It was so bizarre hearing him say these things, but in the end I don't think he really understood why he felt compelled to end it - he was just trying to find possible things to blame it on. It really doesn't matter why he made that decision, though - he made it, and "it is what it is." I have to move forward.

[Pandy13]

I agree. I read your story. Seems like we are on the very same page. We are all great partners in relationship. The problem lies in the other partner, which sucks because it's out of our control and I hate it when my life and feelings have to rely on something I can't have any control over.

 

I was thinking about just shutting myself out of his life completely, not even planning on explaining my own reasoning. I feel like I've tried to explain too much too him. But now you're suggesting I should explain to him about my cold behavior? Is that what you'd advise me to do?

 

And I agree with your reasoning. He's being the selfish one. If I keep responding, I'm just treating myself as someone else's option. This is NOT how I should treat myself.

[Pandy13]

Hi metal_chick,

 

I agree with you. I guess the reason why I still sit around to be his doormat is because I have agreed to be his best friends and for my best friends, I always sit around to help them deal with their problems. So I guess I'm just trying to be a good friend with him you see.

 

I also agree that NC must be about me and me ONLY. But sometimes I'm torn between doing something good for myself vs. keeping my words and being a good friend.

 

Thanks for your strong words thou. They keep me firm.

[eachcomingnight]

If you feel you've gotten everything out that needs to be said and you are ready to just go NC, then go for it!

 

I wanted to explain myself for two reasons - one, he was as kind to me during this whole painful process as a dumper can be, and i still cared about his well-being, and two, I wanted to make sure that I was crystal clear about the fact that I would not be talking to him anymore.

 

Where you go from here is totally up to you.

 

Good luck!

[Pandy13]

eachcomingnight, I appreciate your thoughts. I'm sure I need to move on and I will stick to NC regardless. Now I'm just debating between disappearing without any words of goodbye/ explanation vs. spilling everything out as you said you did in your relationship and then disappear. Hm... Did you ex express thoughts of remaining good friends and not wanting to lose you as a friend at any point?

[eachcomingnight]

He certainly did. At first he confessed that he had imagined a Ted/Robin friendship (have you seen How I Met Your Mother?). When we broke up he told me his greatest fear was losing me forever. In the few emails that we had afterwards, he repeatedly expressed this feeling, and after I broke NC he said that his one hope is that we can meet up once I get to his country in the Fall ("even if just for a brief check-in.") I basically said I didn't see the point in any of that, that our contact had re-confirmed for me that I need to be completely detached for him, and that I wouldn't be in touch any more.

 

I think that letting go 100% is more difficult in the short-term as you struggle with the feelings of immense loss, but as you become used to it it will be infinitely less painful than continuing contact.

 

I've got to go to bed - but best of luck dealing with this situation.

[Pandy13]

Thank you guys. I'm actually very amazed by the process I've come thus far. The first week of breakup, I was devastated and shocked. I found reading ppl's stories on here helped and that actually gave me the strength to do NC, which I still think was the best decision I've made since the time when I ran after my ex and begged and all.

 

Now that I'm about 3 weeks of NC, I've been able to find things that helped me focus on myself. And so I still come back here to post some questions about my confusion. Then reading other people's stories, especially from those who are currently where I was 3 weeks ago, and being to respond to them with very clear view and strong words give me even more strength to carry on with my NC and what I believe to be the right thing for me.

 

I'm feeling much better though I just had my moment of emotional breakdown an hr or 2 ago.

[Pandy13]

And eachcomingnight, you said you're 3 months of NC by now? How are you feeling so far? You probably don't even know what he's feeling so far as well?

[umirano]

Go / stay NC. You're not together anymore. Any conversation is pointless with regard to your (former) RS. Break NC years down the line, when you are completely over him, either you with someone else, or him with someone else and it doesn't bother you.

 

I don't think you should "spill out" everything to him. That's trying to get closure. It doesn't work that way. Words can only do harm, enjoy the silence. The reason is, words need interpretation, and it will never end. You'll be discussing it to death, or him, and it won't let you move on.

 

I broke up, LDR too, just yesterday.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/long-distance-relationships/396227-we-broke-up-too

 

By now I have deleted all conversations (e-mail, text, messenger), blocked her from all the messaging and social network services, removed + burned pictures and sent off her belongings to her relative.

 

I'm feeling pretty good. I still think of her, and the future we lost. But meh... c'est la vie, non?

 

I'm fairly confident not being reminded of her in any way will help me move on asap.

 

Good luck to you!

[eachcomingnight]

Hi again

 

Nope, not even close to 3 months NC. I'm at about 2 months post break-up (when I last saw him). I started NC a few days after I returned home, managed it for a month straight, then broke it with a friendly but unemotional message which led to some friendly back-and-forth conversation, realized that was a mistake and went back to NC, and it's been another two weeks since then.

 

I agree that you shouldn't "spill" things in the name of closure - but I do think that a final "I need to go NC" email is sometimes the way to go, if you are worried that going NC without contacting him is going to lead to him contacting you more, saying things that will bother you and tempt you to break your NC. If you genuinely believe you're ready to cut him off without explanation and ignore anything he sends your way, then I'm all for doing that.

 

As for how I feel - I'm okay. Truthfully, I still think about him most of the time when I'm not otherwise occupied (working, hanging out with friends) - but they are just thoughts, and they don't hurt any more. It's just a kind of conscious awareness that he is no longer in my life. I anticipate this will fade in time.

Edited May 26, 2013 by eachcomingnight

[Pandy13]

I agree with all that has been said.

 

umirano, I'm sorry about your breakup. It's a tough one. You're the one that leaves and you do seem to have very strong reasons. My ex-bf broke up and I see no strong reasons of it, just like the case of eachcomingnight. But I'm at the point where I don't want to understand anymore. Regardless of what happened, he gave up on us; he was the one to walk away because of the distance. He's surely not the one for me to sit around and kicking myself for a broken relationship.

 

eachcomingnight, I agree. I do think of him most of the time and it's almost a month and I hope this feeling will go away soon. I'm still friends with him on fb and I've been contemplating the idea of blocking him. I don't want to see him online; I don't want to see his updates, etc. I put him on limited friend list last week so I don't have to see him online on fb chat. I changed settings so I don't have to see his updates. But once in a while he still pops up bc of mutual friends' tags (even if I block him from my fb, this still pops up anyway). If I choose to do this, I'll also have to figure out my phone setting so he will get blocked as well. I really just wanna disappeared from his world and so he will from mine. I don't feel like talking or explaining myself/ thoughts anymore bc I'm just exhausted overall. Though I must say I do usually feel lonely and sad especially when I'm not occupied with work or going out w friends.

[Pandy13]

I started feeling missing him so much today. It hurts. I'm in such great pain ((((((( but I have to endure it...